Excellent read. Can't to find out what happens next chapter.

If only i'd been a beta-reader, I would've known this genius before. Great story though.

Here's my review for you: This story prompted me to register an account here and make my first comment. A rather eerie beginning to an interesting premise, and so much more coherent than most of the stories I've looked at today. Curious to read more.

Lots of unanswered questions, so it's sort of difficult to comment on the story itself, from this addition. Still curious to see where this is going, just taking kind of a wait-and-see-what-happens stance.

Some awkward sentence structure here and there in this chapter, especially around the middle, like it could use one more proof-read.

By the way, just noticed the Story of the Blanks reference in chapter 1, after skimming it again. I think that sentence about the fireplace confused me the first time.

>>4365943659

Yeah, I've noticed it too . Thanks to that, I'm currently rewriting large parts of the story, just to make it sound better.

Also, I loved SotB, and I had to write a shout out somewhere in the story. Gratz on noticing that reference

Doing fine so far.  You've kept a good air of mystery, though it's likely the story is a bit dark for my taste.  Well enough written to keep me interested.

So celestia and luna were getting weak,  and she's been using these fillies? Are the royal sisters going to die?

>>128369128369

Not "she's", you should've used plural form there, not singular.

It's more complicated than that, but basically: no 'food' -> they die.

Thank's for commenting the story, by the way!

Mm.  What kind, and how detailed of a review would you like?  There are a few things that I spotted here, but I don't know whether you'd prefer just a concept check or nitpicking or tough love or what.  Do you only publish to FIMFiction, or do you work within gdocs for your drafts?  A lot of us use gdocs so we can do in-line peer reviews.  Much, much easier than copy+pasting from non-gdocs, but still doable if need be.

>>156348156348

Personally, the easiest way to contact me would be via email, I can send it to you if you'd like via fimfiction's PM system.

And when it comes as to how would you like to review it... Everything goes

The first thing I thought about when I read this?

AMYGAWD IS GOLLUM!

Still, great so far and you have me hooked!

I was just thinking: "If all of the worlds magic suddenly vanishes, the pegasi would drop from the sky, the are flying through magic."

And then THUMP. The first one drops.

Like it so far. Personally I would introduce a main character in the first scene, even if it is only a prologue, so the audience gets more involved.

Continuing with first chapter.

>>156506156506

Well, it was/would be literally impossible to introduce the main character in the prologue, due to the simple fact that the characters weren't even born during the time the prologue was written. Simple as that

>>156538156538

Yea, well in THIS prologue. But it would be entirely possible to start with another scene and explain the sorry state the world is in at a later point. Maybe in a dialogue.

Now this has really gotten my interest up. It introduces enough characters and plot for me to get hooked.

I would have liked to get a bit more description of Red and Sweet, for I can barely imagine them with what you wrote.

And I found your exposition of Lankys moral when he took the necklace superfluous. I think that should have been guessed from his actions. Don't need to get everything told outright.

Other than that I liked it. Found the idea of tattooed cutie marks intriguing. This is tracked.  

>>156611156611

>>I would have liked to get a bit more description of Red and Sweet, for I can barely imagine them with what you wrote.

Good point. Will fix that.

>>I think that should have been guessed from his actions. Don't need to get everything told outright.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

>>Found the idea of tattooed cutie marks intriguing.

Whomever said they were tattoed?

Mm.  I'll go for broader review commentary for this.

Language: I know English isn't your first language, but while the sentence structure overall is pretty okay, you've got a lot of odd word choices and flow.  There's pretty much nothing you can directly do about that, as fixing that is a matter of absorbing the literature of the language to understand what seems like a strange term or phrase to use.  If you'd like to improve on this point, make sure you're reading good books and not just fanfiction.  Since your profile says you're into Sci-Fi, I recommend: Dune by Frank Herbert, Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, Armor by John Steakley, The Mote in God's Eye by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.  All of them are excellent, though the problem with Dune is that absorbing the language he uses might not be all that beneficial.  

Concept: Your story has a neat concept, and it's definitely drawn my interest.  The way you go about introducing it is a bit lengthier than it needs to be, but the pegasi pancaking really helps drive the point home.  

Characterization: Obviously slim comments for this, as you've only got the one named character.  I immediately have to wonder how much Golden Barley matters to the story.  It'll be fine if he somehow ties in within the first chapter, but since no other characters are introduced, the focus is on him, since he's the only one given the special attention of a name, cutie mark, and other descriptive attributes.  

Flow: Jarring.  Very, very jarring.  You jump directly from a particular day into a brief period describing Equestria's enemies, and then do the same for an open-ended aftermath period where Luna's Domain and Terra are introduced.  Everything after the initial day effectively reads like a synopsis and not a prologue.  I'd suggest sticking with either the particular day, or a zoomed out explanation of what happened over the time period, rather than try to combine both.

Final thoughts: It's not painful to read, but there's a lot of work to be done.  For instance: the massive section for Author's Notes is pretty unwieldy.  I'm not much of a dedicated reviewer, so I'll point you to PonyChan's /fic board.  If you're not used to -chan style boards, it can take a little getting used to, but there are lots and lots of reviewers there willing to help folks out.  If you're like me and don't want to pick a particular reviewer to pester, find the thread called "The Training Ground" and follow the instructions to post your stuff there.  Someone will eventually pick it up, especially if you only submit a chapter at a time and wait until your review comes back to submit another.  It can take a while for them to work through your stuff in this way, but it would probably be worth it in the end, even though you've got this on EQD already.  

Great work, I look forward to see where this story leads.

Impressive concept, I like the twist. Not too happy with your use of Applejack as the mean one, but understandable. I am impressed with the overall flow of the story as well, It's hard to get a tale of this magnitude going (I should know, been working on one for two years). If you need any assistance, please, let me know.

~Ethereal Chronicler

"It's easy to write, if you have the mood, the initiative, the will, the creativity, the imagination, the support, the means, the eloquence, and the creativity. But besides that, the most important thing you can have when writing is the ability to tell a story. If you can tell an audience about your trip to the grocers and have them begging for more, you have a rare and powerful gift."

The prologue was awesome! though, i seriously dont like horrific pony fan fics personally

Nothing to critic on this chapter.

One thing i realy liked: Just when I though Lankys story about how he got into Everfree unconvincing, Teal utters the same reasons I came up with.

This is amazing so far. If I was an inconsiderate bucktard who didn't understand what its like when one is writing something one really cares about, I'd be constantly telling you to hurry up. I'm so interested in the story already.

Wow, those two letters they found were really dark. Now I have to know what happend to the mane 6 and the sisters.

IMHO you do not need to personally adress the reader at the end of each chapter. I don't think you have to explain why you wrote what or details of the story. We can work this our pretty well ourselves. Wonderring is part of the experience.

Now waiting for chapter 4!

I say it OK. It caught my interest a little. I think I read a little more of your story now.

I was little confuse at one part after they announce there death sentence but I figure out what was going on after I  reread  it. But I still consider this story ok.

I'm now interested in your story. I can not imagine Twilight writing a angry letter to Celestia with hurtful meaning. Wow. I'm kinda excited what going to happen next. Please keep up the good work.

Its pegasi according to wikipedia, and Manehattan, as its based of the borough of Manhattan in New York.

I hope we get to see some fanart of this soon, because it's great story.

>>234066234066

Well, I knew it should be "Manehattan", but I've noticed so many people using "Manehatten" that I've got confused

Same with pegasai, I've noticed some people using pegasai as plural, but now I see it's wrong.

Also, thank you for thinking my story is good enough for some fanart :P Of course, I'd appreciate it greatly if anybody would draw anything :P

...Mind overwriting? What the hell, elements?

At this point if find myself thinking: "What the buck is going on?!"

But that's OK. Good way to keep the reader in suspense.

What really irks me is that I don't care. I can't find myself caring about Lanky. Clearly he is the protagonist of your story, but somehow he is just along for the ride and everything happens around him without him having any influence on it.

IMHO the protagonist of a story should have some desire he seeks and it should be something that is inside his power to accomplish. Otherwise the reader may find himself thinking. “Why should I care what happens to this person?”

(I'm reading “Stein on Writing” by Sol Stein ATM. That book has some really good advice for writing.)

>>235161235161>>235161235161>>235161235161 Pegasi would be plural, although the confusion i believe stems from people using pegasi as singular, which is incorrect. The sentence "Rainbow Dash is a pegasi." is grammatically incorrect, although some people use it this way regardless.

I have been following this story for some time, and the intrigue is astounding. You have the mark of a true author. I am debating whether to create a web of conspiracy chart just to keep up. Thanks so much Netaro, this is wunderbar.

May you enjoy the Triumphs of your Victories more than the Sins of your Transgressions.

~E.C.

Flutterparasite!

Can I overwrite your personality? If... if thats allright with you... *Squee*

I can honestly say i never saw the "elements of harmony parasites" thing coming, but i absolutely love it!

Keep it up!

Wait what. The elements of harmony are parasite in the mind and that a bad thing. I was thinking that Fluttershy might be Lanky ancestor long time ago. But now that probably highly unlikely and I'm wonder why are the Elements of Harmony are parasite and how can anyone Buck Fluttershy in the face even though it just a dream that horrible. I just tell Fluttershy Kill me now. I can't hurt Fluttershy it just wrong.

I'm really interested your story and keep up the good work.

I saw this on Ponychan. I have to give you a lot of points for boldness as well as imagination. However, I also have to say something kind of cruel. If I was reading this cold (w/o a synopsis), I would have just stopped reading pretty quickly. You have a full ten paragraphs of dull, bland exposition in the beginning of the story. I was expecting this to begin with something abrupt, with some piece of fun action. This wasn't that at all.

As well, I see a lot of passive voice language. There's "was", "were", "is", and so on everywhere. I would rewrite this to make it much more personal. Emphasize Barley's emotions. Besides, you have the f**king sun vanishing! That's a stroke of literary genius, and you should underline it.

I would begin with something like:

[Golden Barley threw himself out of bed, clutching his hooves against his head in pain. The deafening roar, deeper than any crack of thunder, burst out overhead. He winced, knowing that it could be heard even by the deaf and the dead. He threw himself against the window, glaring straight up.

The sky had turned jet black. The sun had disappeared, an all-encompassing shadow veiling everything. It looked as if night had suddenly come. Barley squinted. "No stars? It can't be a thunderstorm," he moaned. He couldn't see any lighting bolts anywhere, either. The sound, now pulsing with an eerie tone, seemed to come from nowhere. ]

You see what I mean? You have a bunch of really, really cool ideas. You just need to write them in an active, personalized, and character-driven way. I hope you keep going on this! Keep writing!

I say that they misunderstand the Elements of Harmony.  The Elements are trying to influence their bearers so that they will be able to be wielded again.  They are NOT paraspritic entities attacking ponies' heads.  And Lanky will discover this just as soon as he actually talks to Fluttershade.  

Great story, cool premise. Tracked!

that rewrite prologue "the battle that never was" was good stuff. If u can write more about that, or continue story from moment when Lanky and Teal fall from that watherfall. can't wait bro  

. . . I'm sensing some strife amongst the Mane Six . . . not sure why . . .