Im not a brony I just love ponies, yes im a hipster
A young child who has survived the end of the world is taken, by an accident, to Equestria.
Third paragraph, you mean 'to' not 'two'
This is interesting to me, but nothing has really happened as far as plot. Some of the characters feel awkward but I like how you write Rainbow Dash .
I ALMOST would have liked this idea as it sounded like an apocalyptic Equestria with a sole survivor, kind of like I Am Legend, but then I saw the human tag and I was instantly turned off. Nothing against you, I'm just not a big fan of human in Equestria stories. I liked the concept, but that was just the factor that ruined it for me.
As for the actual story itself, here's some helpful tips:
1. Don't use asterisks (*) to signify actions or sounds. It's very chat room looking, and it detaches the reader.
2. When a new character is speaking they need a new paragraph. It helps the flow of the story, as you have really big paragraphs right now and it's hard to tell who's talking.
Just some stuff to think about.
GAH, formatting. OK I'm going to just copy paste what Vannar says here, "New Speaker, New Paragraph, Every time. I would inscribe this in flaming letters if the board would let me."
^^^^^ what Mist said, but without the human part. Some people like HiEs so there's an audience out there.
Alright, ill admit, im a bit out of it right now, but for the most part, slow down. Thats a big one. Your actions are far too fast. Its a little disconcerting. You seem to have issues separating thoughts from narration, if somepony is thinking, you need to show them thinking, for instance.
"And then they bucked" He thought. A narrative thought, is something like "Standing there looking between the two, he couldn't help but be impressed, and thinking that they would buck" as an example.Another thing... Always start a new line for a speaker. So, for instance. Between myself, Eclipse, and Tundra.
"So, Tundra. You like your story so far?" I inquired playfully.
"To be honest, I hate what you make me go through." Tundra replied, not bothering to hide his contempt.
"Trust me man, its not nearly as bad as what he made ME go through, I mean... WOW!" Eclipse laughed as he leaned back. "The stuff you are going through is child's play!" He finished.
"Its true." I nodded as I spoke. "Tundra you are getting off easy." Tundra looked between the two of us.
"You both are insane." He muttered darkly.
See? Like that. Try to avoid going ............ All the time, its a little annoying. And, for the most part unnecessary. An ellipsis is just fine. Thats three periods and represents an extended silence. Like...That.
Your story also tends to jump around, one moment hes laughing at zombies in some unknown area, the next hes running, then suddenly hes teleported to safety. This falls under the "Slow down" category as well. Explain how stuff happens, "Assume the reader has no idea what is going on" All the time. Explain, everything. For some more advice, I recommend checking my watch list. I'm watching a pony named "Shadow fax" look through his blogs comments for some good advice. the first blog The second. and the third. Hes a new writer as well, and pretty much everything in there may be able to help you improve. Also, you may want to watch your spelling! Two is a number, you meant to. Not two.
THIS IS GREAT!
WILL CONTINUE READING!
This is my first time ever writing a story, so I know there a HEAPS f mistakes and thank you all for pointing them out and giving me advice
I know this was going REALLY fast, but the next chapter will most likely be a flashback to some of the deaths of Family members.
EDIT 3: Ok, I'm writing the new chapter now and I am using a few of the things you guys pointed out. P.S I fixed a few of the mistakes.
I'm loving the story, sure some grammar issues, but the idea is great, I hope you update soon and i'm looking forward to it.
>>330548330548 Oh Mist, you have given me a GREAT idea for a story
OKAY! I hope I fixed everything up, and used all the right tips.
This took longer to write because my computer was.......I really don't know, it just fucked itself
>>348893348893 Uh, why does he try to kill himself? I mean, I can maybe understand him shooting a random purple horse that he sees, but then why does he shoot himself afterwards?
>>354142354142 He recognises its a dream, because he remembers the day and seeing a purple horse snaps him out of it.
MORE NOW OR YOU WILL BE RAPED BY BEARS!
(both kinds of bears...hehehe)
>>375524375524 Awwwww heeeelll naawwww!
EDIT: I am in class right now, and writing chapter three! (silly English teacher thinks I am such a good student)
>>396355396355 BEAR RAPING WILL COMMENCE IN... 5... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1.... COMMENCE SURPRISE BUTT SECKS!
<--- you're face
>>427368427368 My reaction to giant bear rape
INB4 first fags
>>446722446722Nope.You said first well...first techly sooo.....you ARE the first fag hehe....
but not INB4 SECOND! .....wait.......nevermind.......
So does this have anything to do with Hellsing beyond the cover art?