Far across the ocean from any land known to Equestria sits the volcanic island nation of Hearth. It's ponies live a good life benefited by advanced technologies and metal flying machines that can carry any pony or cargo across the island in an instant, and watched over by the ever caring Hearth's Core military air force.
Big changes are coming to Hearth soon, and even the ponies responsible may have to change their plans when a routine flight gets lost in the fog and winds up over the magical land of Equestria. The sisters on board try to find a way home as they struggle first with survival, then life in a strange new land, then something none of them could have seen coming.
Note: Each chapter is told from a different point of view.
Chapters (36)
Sounds interesting.
Thought it was about time I gave your story a shot. Here I convince you to give FiMfic a shot, and then barely anyone reads or comments on your story
Well, let me do something about that.
Not quite finished reading the story yet, but I noticed a minor thing. Here in chapter 11, Twilight writes a letter to Celestia out in the forest, but back in chapter 9, Spike went back to sleep instead of following them into the forest.
Things move a little fast at times, too. Reactions are a little stifled and limited because of it. I think the story could easily have used a little more padding, some slightly extended conversations and reactions, maybe doing some sightseeing so to speak or planning ways of going back home before Sonority arrives to push the plot forward.
Having finished the rest of the story, I'll say again that I think it moves very fast throughout and misses some good opportunities. Expanding on reactions and events throughout the story would have been a very good idea. I think that's the only major (and certainly most important) issue with the story, that it moves in a rush and skips over things that might have been good to include, like Twilight's recovery time with Celestia, or Evvy and Sunspot's dating, or Resonance's time with the rebels. Lots of opportunity.
I also had a bit of trouble occasionally telling who was speaking and following the dialogue, although it could be due to me being a little tired. I'm a little confused about Luna's apparent concern about whether Spike was like a brother or son to Twilight, maybe I missed something, but it seemed to have no relation to what was going on.
Other than that, I think the story has good potential. Dunno if you're working on any other stories, or thinking of any. If so, keep it up
I also quite like the cover image. I'm wondering what Resonance's instrument looks like.
4157833
Going to respond to both of these, since I'm seeing them both now.
First, as for barely anyone reading or commenting on the story, what else is new? There's like... a bazillion stories on this site and frankly I don't have any friends on here to nag into reading it. I don't think I told anyone from dA other than you, and you more told me.
Spike in ch9-11, I usually don't make mistakes like that. Whenever I'm writing, I keep a page at the end of the word doc with a description of each character, including physical appearance, what parts of that appearance have been mentioned, and their current location. Guess I dun goofed that one up.
Speed in stories is something I've had trouble with for a while. I constantly feel like I'm rambling instead of embellishing and I don't have anyone whose, well, mean enough for me to accept when they say I'm doing it well. Everyone is so damn supportive. First world problems I guess.
I intentionally avoided a few things, namely Twilight's recovery and Evvy/Sunspot dating. I avoided Twilight because I really didn't want the story to be about the mane 6 at all, but it's impossible to be even slightly political without old Sun-butt's student and personal army of six. I decided to introduce them pretty early and, well, ditch them when I could. Evvy and Sunspot's dating I avoided because, frankly, I don't know a damn thing about it. I have never been in a romantic relationship in my life and I have zero reference for what would be good writing there.
As for Resonance's time with the rebels, there really is no good reason why I didn't go into that, other than that the story's pretty long already.
Luna's question about Spike is actually a lead-in to a chapter I never wrote, because it really doesn't fit with the story and, as I said, I don't want this story to be about the mane 6. Twilight is Celestia's student, and tries to be like her a lot. Then, there's this other creature - born when she was young, supposed to be a friend but often ignored or treated like a servant, whose problems are often left for them to deal with alone instead of with Celestia's help... Or was that Twilight? I forget if I was writing about Luna or Spike there. True we don't know much about Luna/Celestia's relationship other than the fights we've seen on screen, but I often think that they had much the same relationship as Twilight and Spike have.
Resonance's instrument is an annoying topic, simply because I know exactly what it looks like. The problem comes in that I have never been able to draw it. In fact, I haven't drawn much of anything lately that I liked the look of (and by lately I mean the past eight months, just look at my dA gallery). I don't like to complain about stuff like this on the internet, god knows there's enough drama out there, but long story short my life's in flux and I can't do anything about it other than wait, which has made me quite irritable.
And finally, yes long post is long, I've got three stories I've yet to write and a solid dozen which are done / half done and will probably never be published just because I don't personally like them. No ETA on any of that.
Loving this so far!
Cackling madly..... Love it!
4509161
Glad you're liking it (seriously your the first person I can confirm has even read this who didn't come here from my dA posting). When you're done you'll have to give me a little run-down on what you liked and didn't... as well as how you picked to read this out of that sea of stories out there. That's more for my curiosity than anything.
Look at the first two paragraphs. You have the wrong name.
4510714 Nope, definitely didn't have to hastily change that when I read the comment...
Is that the end? If so can you make a sequal? I love this story. It is well written and has a good story and characters
4510886 Chapter 36 is the end, yes. I really didn't have any intention to make a sequel - I'm not sure what the story would be. Resonance and Evanescence have led the ponies worth saving out of Hearth and left the rest to rot - Luna has successfully resisted the temptation of leading her own evil nation - The mane six have returned to their lives - Resonance has defacto-divorced her husband and Evanescence is well on her way to a life with her marefriend... A sequel would have to be about either another set of characters adapting to life in Equestria, Equestria itself adapting to the new technologies these ponies brought with them, or a much much calmer story about Resonance, Evanescence, and Sunspot living together. Does any of that sound like something you'd want to read?
4511546
Yes.....
especially the one about them adapting. heck maybe sonority can show up again, you didn't say he was dead.
also if you want more people to read you should put it in some groups.
4511611
I have no idea how groups work (or that they even existed). Can you point me in the right direction?
Also, all three of those things were about adapting. Which were you talking about?
Sonority may be dead, maybe not. Left it vague for a few reasons. So yeah, he could come back as a more overt villain.
4512604
Groups are... well groups of people each one is usually specialized. There uses vary but basically go to the group search and browse until you find a group you think fits the story. I took the liberty of adding your stories to a few so I hope you don't mind.
I guess that isn't very helpful... here is a link to the FAQ just head down to groups
clicky
4512663 That actually answers pretty much everything. I never really bothered getting into the FIMfiction site - I mostly do artwork and crafts on deviantArt - but there's some pretty good features here.
I don't mind at all if you add this to groups, any publicity is good publicity.
Still not clear which you meant when you said the one about adapting. Care to elaborate?
4512984
I really like the idea about a sequel about the refugees adapting to equestria. There is a lot about their culture you didn't go into but did hint at such as how you need permission to have kids how their talents were planned out.
I would be interested to learn more about the life in hearth. Both equestria and hearth survivors would most likely be appalled about the others culture.