My sci-fi is harder than diamond.
Incomplete1,347 stories ·455 members
Humans Aren't Bastards211 stories ·4,066 members
Humans are Superior1,246 stories ·4,450 members
Manmade Ponies47 stories ·114 members
Revive Dead FanFics509 stories ·421 members
Despite having an incredibly large population, the human race was feeling alone. Searching for other intelligent lifeforms proved useless. But what if they could create it themselves?
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In the far future, a pair of ponies make a discovery that will change everything, and will make ponykind question their own nature.
Page generated in 0.126 seconds
Total duration
913 users online
466,364 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I can tell.
Sorry to be a dick, but it just isn't much good. Keep working at it.
Very good keep it up
3659815
Thanks for your sincerity, but what can I do to improve it?
When I first started, the narrator felt like an old grandpa telling a story to his grandchildren before bedtime. But I wanted something more serious, and it started to sound like Discovery Channel documentary...
The idea is interesting but the intro is very slow and little more than an infodump.
I suggest making it more story-like.
This story is interesting, but you really need to fix up your grammar skills. Anyway, I'll be watching.
slow intro isnt necessarily bad... though you might cut it back a fair bit. You might say something for the fanfic summary like "humans expanding into the universe got bored and tried seeding life. Most planet experiments failed miserably, but one seemed to thrive." or something like that, and cut back on most of the info dump.
You probably want "Powered by cutting edge black hole technology"... what you wrote makes it sound like somebody took a black hole and stuffed it in a ship.
If you want generic help, or feedback before actually publishing anything, pop in the IRC chat channel for fimfiction.
I will reserve my up/down vote until there is 10k words or so. Until then its going in my favourites so I can keep track.
3661058
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole_starship
Thanks for your comment, I'll edit right away!
3659837
Thanks!
3659989
Is it really that slow? And I thought it was too fast.
But this first chapter is really just an infodump, the story itself comes next.
3661008
English is not my first language, so yeah...
But if you know a good editor, it would help a lot.
I found this story to be rather interesting. Sure it sounds a bit off but the premise and the way the story is written reminds me a lot of a bedtime story. I can't help but find the style nostalgic... Is that odd at all?
Anyway the story seems well thought out and I really like the 2001 esk feel of it. A few mechanical problems but nothing that broke the flow of the story.
You did good, keep it up!
Humans in this story make me think of forerunners in halo...
I like it so far. The premise seems pretty nice, but I do agree that it is a tad slow...
, so I hope it won't get too dark/edgy/whatever (the tags in general are often pretty ambiguous I feel anyways).
.
Actually, now that I think on it, it's more that nothing of interest really happens, you would probably be better off passing this chapter as a prolouge or something, since it does not have much story in it, and it feels like most of it won't be of much significance later on...
Another, more personal thing, is the Dark tag for me, I like stories that are a bit more light-hearted, but decided to give this a chance
Anyways, keep it up, and don't let the neighsayers get you down, you can only improve by doing, even if at first it might not be the best
3662321
Thanks! That is the kind of constructive criticism I asked :)
3666354
Thanks!
Originally, the story was just that, and I'd let the readers imagine what comes next, but the idea grew in my head and I decided to make an actual story. I know it feels that this prologue doesn't have many important things, but I guarantee that most of it will be mentioned or explained later.
And don't worry about it being too dark, at least for now, I don't have anything scary planned.
Is exactly that ambiguity that makes it hard to find actual dark stories, the top rated "dark" stories are anything but dark. Since it is a gray area, I decided it would be a good idea to add the tag...
3666354
About the slow feel of things. This is the bit that really reminded me of the first ten minutes of 2001. (BTW if you haven't seen 2001 I highly recommend it.) The slow opening that builds to the very first sentient thought of a species is a pretty powerful image and this first chapter gets that exactly right. I'm actually really curious to see if the next chapter will open with a giant space station. XD
It is certainly.....Interesting and thought provoking. I must say that I like it a fair bit. It makes a few points that makes one think.
3669062
That's not a bad idea...
But I don't like copying others. Too much
3669082
Exactly my good reader! Precisely my intentions.
3665777 And they are capable of ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!!!
3665777
One of my inspirations, but I didn't imagine the humans being the Forerunners...
3667138
.
3669062
That slow intro thing is the exact reason why I would like to see this labeled as a prolouge or intro though. I don't have anything against it, but when I see "chapter" (or, I guess, anything that does not allude to background story/build-up) I want to have things happen
3669197
.
It's not copying, it's a repectful nod
EDIT: Ok, now I feel stupid and or non-perceptive..
It says Prolouge right there in the chapter name...
Did you change it since my read through earlier perchance?
3672040
Hehehe of course it is...
And by the way, look again. I've labeled as a prologue.
3672051
damn some people are fast on this site
and yeah, I edited after I saw that
3672040
I changed it when I read your first comment.
3673312 Well I see two thingk happening to our speces after we become truly space faring. 1 we discover life and and that we are part of a bigger family or 2 we are truely alone and must ensure that this isn't the case anymore. Becoming progenitor species basically.
3669062
The giant space station will appear on chapter two. Designed it myself
Sorry guys, I'm afraid this appears to be a little out of context. I'm editing right now...
EDIT: Fixed.
Didn't the guy from the beginning leave the galaxy?
3751772 Yes, why?
3751821 I assumed that the portal would end up where he was. Which was in another galaxy. Yea I guess he could've came back.
3751878 Not really. The Universe is expanding, and the story happens almost 3 billion years from now. He is really, REALLY far away (at the edge of the real Universe, not the observable one), and the heat death of the Universe is starting at the farthest galaxies. He had to use the power of a supernova just to get that ball (which is smaller than an apple) through. He could go to Equestria using the portal (assuming he is using the energy out of a quasar or something as powerful as one), but he'd have to leave his ship behind and the portal wouldn't stay open for long and he'd end up stranded in Equestria just like every other HiE fic in the world.
EDIT:
I'm trying to make a hard sci-fi, but it's hard (oops) to make one when you have magical talking ponies. I'm trying my best to give a scientific explanation to everything, even their magic, as you'll see in later chapters.
3751931 Ah man. No fusion power or antimatter in the future. Wait so do these humans have FTL besides the use of these very limited wormholes?
3751977 They're way past nuclear fusion and antimatter. The less advanced ships they have are black hole starships. This is billions of years into the future. And yes, they do have FTL (Alcubierre drive, check the prologue), no, the wormholes aren't limited, they're just energy-hungry. If he had enough energy he could go anywhere.
The only way that I think it would be better would be if you kept Twilight alive and immortal, but she's my tied favorite pony
.
I really want to figure out what will happen next though.
-Clay the Draconequus
3752272 I'd love to keep her alive, in fact, I was going to make her the protagonist but... I don't know how to portray existing characters, with defined personalities, as you can see by my representation of Celestia. And while there is a reason for her actions that I can't tell you now because it will spoil the whole thing, to me it doesn't feel so much like Celestia... Imagine Twilight then, with all her complexity. I can imagine how she would act, but I don't know how to write it.
PS: Twilight is best pony. (and Applejack too, yes I have two favorite ponies. I don't know why)
3751931 So, humanity in this fic hasn't figured out how to harness zero point energy?
3752602
Of course they did, it's billion os of years into the future! And zero-point energy is not a magical solution to everything. Everyone uses this as a deus ex machina on every HiE-Sci-Fi fic.
The guy had to use a hypernova, which produces 10^46 Joules of energy just to get a tiny ball through, and it had to be done in nanosseconds. And also, this wormhole has been open since the first time he came to Equestria 2 billion years ago. The thing is decayed, if he used the wrong amount of energy, it could become unstanble and close itself.
3752321
That is a good idea! To bad I barely ever write. Somebody go write that story then tell me about it! Twilight is best pony, but best charecter is a tie for Twilight and Discord.
-Clay the Draconequus
3752942 Thanks! Yep, Discord really is a great character, my favorite villain from the show. Maybe you should try writing it! This is my very first story, not even my first fic, it really is my first attemp at writing anything, and I got 66 more likes than I expected.
3752744 Zero point energy is used like that because it is infinite. ZP energy is decayed energy, with a ZPG you will have as much power as your capaciters can hold.
3752744 Umm I never seen ANY pony sifi fic that mention, let alone use zero-point energy... Could you link me to some of these stories, please?
BTW the high end estimate of the vacuum energy is 10^113 joules per cubic meter, which is practically infinite. Our universe's mass-energy is only about 4*10^69 joules. 10^46J is nothing in comparison lol
3753763
Yep, I know, but that value is not exactly known. It could be 10^-9 Joules. And even if it is 10^113(and I hope it is because it would be awesome), one accident, one idiot with a bad day or one omnicidal maniac and the whole Universe cracks in half. And if the vacuum is a false vacuum, messing with it, for example, exctracting energy, could make it collapse from a metastable state into a more stable one. Then it is bye-bye life as we know it. The chemistry that allow us to exist wouldn't be there anymore and everyone and everything would turn into soup of particles.
I might have exagerated when I said that every Sci-Fic has that... One I can think about right now is called Starbrought. I think.
3754558 What if life is not as we know it? Humanity have 4 billion years to change, and it is already mentioned in this fic that the captain is the last human in our original body. What if human became something more? Search Downstreamer.
3754935 Good point. Everyone except the Captain are living as pure counsciousness.
But humans won't have billions of years to change. Of course, we can become so advanced to the point of becoming gods, but if our Universe really is a false vacuum, there wouldn't be time to know how the new universe would be and how we have to adapt to survive it. Chemistry would change completely. If the new universe that arised is not compatible with our structure, we are bucked. But you can be sure that the Universe would be entirely different after this.
3754935
Holy shit, that's awesome! (http://outskirtsbattledome.wikispaces.com/Civilization+Profile+-+Downstreamers) But, the humans haven't reached that technological capacity yet, because they had a war and many other problems that messed a bit with their technological developement. The closest thing they have to these Downstreamers is that they created a basement Universe to avoid heat death.
3755087 I know right
The fact that they are descendants of humanity fill me with joy. I don't expect humans in this fic to be that advance, 10^117 years is a VERY long time to develop.
This is a passage from another series by the same author which is also awesome. It shows some really exotic life forms. As the quote goes "And everywhere the humans went... they found life." Both are hard sifi btw
3755038 That's true. Don't mess with vacuum energy, unless you are a downstreamer
Anyway good luck with your story :)
3755136 Oh, yeah! Thanks for your recommendations!
My read later list doubled! 
And thanks for wishing me luck!
Steel Hooves feels like a childish character, and Celestia feels more protective than she should be. Considering she can move the sun around on a whim, to keep the griffins from doing crazy stuff she could just move the sun to the other side of the earth, or magically block the sunlight in that region or something. Poof, war gone. The only pony I can think of that would react the way you wrote would be fluttershy.
By childish I mean he does not seem to be thinking clearly. Why not ask luna about it instead? It seemed that he knew Celestia would disregard (more about this in a sec) his request then why not try a different approach? Luna seems to be more of a pragmatic type, wishing to get to the bottom of something the most efficient way possible.
And wait... now that I'm thinking about it, Celestia and Luna are using Luna's powers to spy on their own country? All of a sudden this feels like a very repressive rulership.
So this is "ha, I get to control the sun, but you don't get to run experiments as to how the sun works." kind of thing? This goes along with the spying repressive rulership mentioned before.
What is the purpose of having Celestia repressive anyway? As far as I can tell it gains nothing in the story and makes Celestia (and Luna) look like a butt that nobody else would like.
Overall it was a lot easier to read than the first chapter, but more annoying in a different way for the reasons I pointed out. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just saying what I'm thinking of after reading this chapter. Still reserving my up/down vote.
<edit>
Luna and Celestia are out of character is what most of it comes down to. You said earlier on in the comments that Twilight isnt alive because you didn't want to have to deal with writing about characters and have them be out of character. I... don't know what else to say about it, other than highly suggesting you go back to using Twilight in your writings and conforming to her character for practice.