Ah, Fluffy Ponies... three times as dumb as a parasprite, yet twice as cute. If the ignorant non-brony masses were to put a face on My Little Pony as a whole, this would be that face. A drooling sack of fluff that knows how to do only three things, Eat, Poop, and giggle. Although the average Fluffy pony has a hard time not drowning in its own drool, they some how manage to retain the ability to communicate through a series of annoying, shrill, broken-English baby talk that they babble for nearly every second of their short pointless lives. I thanked god every day that they didn't exist... until today.
I drift out of consciousness. I feel a tingling tingling sensation at the back of my throat, and my tongue feels furry, the taste is my mouth can only be described as a mixture of dust bunnies and floor candy. A strange guilty pleasure for the senses. I am finding it difficult to breath for some reason. I should open my eyes, but that would mean that I would eventually get out of bed, and right now, my face is just sooooo comfortable and warm! Wait... why would my face be warm? I open my eyes, and see nothing. Dear god, my eyes have been replaced by fuzzy dice!
~Dear god, why are you such an asshole? Reality check, what is that on your neck, besides that horrendous abomination you call a face.~ Has my crazy voice gotten louder? I think it has!
Awww, has the widdle crazy voice missed his nappy?
~Oh you poor sap. Your brains are done leaking out like potatos... that, or it's not getting enough oxygen.~
I like pancakes.
My face hair starts squirming around on my face. Hot damn, I must have a real beard now! This has got to be my proudest moment... ever. I hear my new beard squeal. I gasp, or in this case gag and choke in surprise. Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! My new beard is a pony! This is the best day of my life! I try to get the fuzzy flapjacks out of my eyeballs. I see blue fluff.
"Oh my god it's Rainbowdash!" I yell, or try to, whatever is in my mouth gagging me. "We are going to have so much fun together! First we're going to the circus, then the movies, then ice cream, and thenthemovies,andthenthecircusandthenwearegoingtodriveracecarsand-" My muffled giddy rambling is interrupted by my new beard suddenly shivering as something wet trickles down on my face. It smells sugary, and tastes like skittles mixed with asparagus. It is also unpleasantly warm.
"Pway?!" I jerk around at the voice, a grating high pitched gaspy childlike mewling. Ears! Pain! Hurtyness! I swipe at my beard. My beard falls off my face, and the bed with a plop. I gasp for air. Wow, What a rush! I look off the side of the bed and into two yellow eyes.
"You're not Rainbow Dash!" I scold. It's ears flop and it looks at me with a puzzled sad expression.
"Pway?" It squeaks. It looks up at me with those...eyes. Those bottomless urine colored pools of heart rending cuteness. My mouth twitches. This thing is disgustingly adorable. I feel vomit at the back of my throat.I gurgle. There is only one thing that can counteract cuteness of this magnitude!
"Must. Get. Online and. Stop. Talking like Shatner." I stagger off the bed, my legs weak from sleep. The thing looks up at me, it's mouth open in idiotic befuddlement. I disregard it and get in my usual place in front of the computer. That's weird, I don't remember getting this screen saver. I stare at what appears to be a gaping hole in my monitor. Wow, it's so real! I laugh to myself. The thing laughs as well. I stare angrily at it, until I look in it's big sunshine colored eyes. D'awww, I can't stay mad at it! "I'mma name you-"
~Bitch, don't you dare name it!~
"Cupcakes!" I finish. The thing squeals in joy and faints. I smile and take a bottle of antacid from the drawer, and empty it all into my mouth. Constipated diarrhea is worth being spared of this heart rendingly sweet moment. I turn back to the computer and fiddle around with the keyboard and wait for the screen to disappear. I realize that my keyboard doesn't have keys in it, and that my mouse has been discombobulated. I slowly grind my teeth in anger, and hiss under my breath,"Discord!"
I stomp out of the room, my head filled with vile thoughts. I know I have some thumbscrews in one of the piles here, but where? I stop in my tracks and look at the floor. I rub my eyes and look again. It's completely spotless! That's impossible, I don't remember the last time I could see the floor uninhibited by dust bunnies, stains, and crumbs. It must be a ploy by discord. I walk to the door of the room-that-was-once-mine-until-my-dad-took-it-and-then-got-arrested-and-now-discord-lives-there-and-stuff. I really don't want to do this, he is probably going to be in another one of those weird costumes doing some freaky stuff no doubt. I'm not going to be fazed by his silliness this time, I won't even bat an eye if I walk in on him committing strange rituals with a chicken.
I brace myself and open the door. The room is dim, the only source of light coming from the thin streams of sunlight through the moth-ridden blanket covering the small window above the bed. In the middle of the bed was a covered lump quietly snoring away. I unveil the sleeping figure. Its a pile of hamster balls, full of baked beans. Don't get your jimmies ruffled Ashton, that's what he wants to happen. I still hear snoring, but apparently it wasn't coming from the beans... unless these are sentient snoring beans! I resolve to dispose of them as soon as I can, when I get around to it anyway.
You know what? Discord isn't even worth my time, I just needed to get the spare keyboard and mouse. I turn to the computer desk behind me and find Discord just staring at a rubix cube while sitting on the computer tower. He is wearing an old fashioned pink night gown along with a fluffy pink night cap. At least he isn't naked. I gently pull the keyboard out from under him and unwrap the mouse cord that was entangled around his leg. I deposit them beside the pile of bean filled hamster balls.
So what should I do to Discord for his grave injustices?
~Weed whacker to the crotch? It's in pile 5. ~
No, that's to loud, it'll wake that thing.
~That fluffy pony, you mean.~
Don't be silly, fluffy ponies don't exist, it's probably just an exceptionally hairy gnome.
~Gnomes don't exist, quit deluding yourself. There's no Santa Claus either. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it yah hippy.~
Wait, so that thing is a fluffy pony? I wrack my brain for any info about fluffy ponies. No food after midnight? That's gremlins! No bright lights? Also gremlins. No water? That's also gre- wait no, that applies to fuffy ponies too. What else? Never leave them alone! Crap! I glare at Discord. He must be responsible for this. I smack him upside the head with the fury of a french hen. "Oi! Get the hell up!" I yell in his ear.
He jerks and spazzes about as he rolls off the tower. He blinks his eyes groggily. He cringes. "Owwwww!" He moans in pain as he gets up, grabbing his back. "Oh my back! Why does it hurt so much!?" I laugh softly at his misery.
"Probably has something to do with the way you were sitting." I inform Discord with a sneer.
"Pfft!" He rolls his eyes. I notice that his sleeping gown has tears and holes in it. I shake my head.
"Change your clothes." I command
"Fine." He groans and throws his hat on the ground. I walk out with the keyboard and mouse and hear Discord mutter under his breath,"Mom."
I stroll through the living room and hop over the fluffy pony. I plop myself down in the chair and look at the computer to-
Where is my computer tower?
WHERE IS MY COMPUTER TOWER!? My face was stuck in a rictus of anger. I start rummaging through the room. I know its in here somewhere! It isn't on the bed. Balls! It isn't in the closet. Damn it! It isn't under the fluffy pony. $!@#%!
~Did you seriously censor your own thoughts? What- how...why? Fuck you. Just fuck you.~
Okay, it's not on the bed. Still. Did I check in the closet? I think I did. It's not in the closet. AH! I need something to kill myself with!
~Eat the fluffy pony.~
But that won't kill me!
~Kill who? Oh, you. Uhhh. I dunno, jump out a window or something.~
Those sage words of wisdom from my not-so-subconscious gives me an idea. I run to the window and jump. I fall face first into the carpet. Athletic, I am not. I notice there is a gaping hole in the window that looks suspiciously like a computer tower. I slowly walk to the window, scared of the answers that lay below the other side. I poke my head out the hole and accidentally poke myself on one of the edges. "Ouch!" I take a moment to decide if I want to continue risking slicing my neck, or withdrawal my head and open the window. Meh, too much effort. I see the crater and gasp. My heart skips a beat. It's my precious computer, or whats left of it. It's burnt, smashed, crashed, and broken into teeny tiny pieces.
I give out a silent sob and slide my head out of the window. I get cut again. I don't care. I trip again. I still don't care. I fall face first in a skittle puddle. Still don't care. I crawl to a corner and begin the self loathing. I'm garbage! Garbage!
I should just end it all right here!
I want to be reborn as a sea cucumber!
~Whatever, you're boring now.~
I hear a knocking. I suck up my tears with a whiny sniff and scowl. Discord is banging on his table laughing at my suffering! I plunge my hand in the pile of pokey things next to me and yank out a barbed harpoon with my bleeding hand. I charge out of the room, and bust open Discord's door.
He is wrapped in a sheet. He stares at me in shock and gasps. He clutches his bosom and stares at me in shock. he throws a bean filled hamster ball at me which hits with a sickening plop. "Pervert!" He screeches. I hear the knocking again, three sharp taps. I let out a weary moan and limp toward the door, grumbling.
I sigh as I op- wait, I need to put some clothes on. I look down at my nudity. I turn and rush back into Discords room. He looks at me in shock again. I yank his sheet away from him and wrap it around myself. I slam the door behind me and walk back to my visitor sporting a new toga.
I open the door and face the visage of bitchieness, my land-lady. Her scowl is as deep as her countless wrinkles and her cataracts leered at me with a ferocious hate only a hag of her standing is capable of. She is dressed in a horribly unflattering grey summer dress. I stare at her for a moment, slightly fearing for the baby that I do not have. I put on a smile and say," Would you like some coke..." My mind blanks on her name. Screw you brain!
~No, fuck you!~
"No, I am here to give your father a piece of my mind, young man." she wheezes, the stench of cigarettes emanating from her maw of a mouth.
"He isn't here today miss..." Dang nab it, I still don't know her name!
"Pah! You can take a message for him then!" she wheezes as she hobbles to the couch and sits in my spot. She begins talking, her teeth click clacking as I stare at the disgusting boil on her nose. "Blah blah blah blah responsibility something something man-child I'm a cranky old bitch are you listening young man?" I nod my head sycophantically at the fat sack of wrinkles as I imagine her in a pointy hat, cackling as she tosses newt eyes and gopher nuts into a bubbling cauldron.
I would give anything to end this miserable conversation. She. Just. Doesn't. Stop. Talking. I glance at the harpoon longingly. She pokes me with a bony finger and caws," You better not have any stow-a ways here boy, or I will keel-haul you and take your booty!" Wait what? I nod my head at the crazy pirate hag.
"Nope, no one here but me..." who else again? I stick my tongue out in thought, she frowns. Oh yeah. "and my dad."
Her scowl deepens even further and her eyes bug out " I smell foreigners! Where you hiding them black people boy?" She pulls a bull-whip out of her little tacky white purse and its loud crack reverberates through the air.
~Ha Ha! Racism!~
"I don't know what you are talking about" I say, giving my best poker face. I clench my eyes shut when I hear Discords door open behind me. Please please please don't be wearing something weird. The hags eyes are twitching and her teeth pop out of her mouth in an hilarious manner. I slowly grind my teeth together and turn around.
Discord is wearing a colorful poncho and a straw sombrero. I bite my lip and try to think of something as I hear the toothless old bat gum out," whe'll sohhny, how whill you exshplian thish?"
Blargh, time to pull a name out my ass. I look at the label on discords hat: dieshwettersnchingsnappfraterdegedubergen
"This is Eduardo del Japotle. He's just visiting."
"whullshift! hish one uf dem Mexikijaps! I dun trushf im! I fwan de wrent mofney nao"
I give an uncomfortable laugh and walk closer to Discord. "Oh he's just in costume! Yeah, he works at..." My mind blanks yet again. Really? This is getting old. Bah, just come up with some fake name. "De Vantos Carpo?" Good enough! I yank off the poncho. I immediately regret yanking off the poncho. Seriously? Why did it have to be black bondage gear? My eyes follow the path of the crisscrossing stripes of leather and the multitude of rings piercing them. It was slightly entrancing how the straps caressed his nipp- Eauuuggh! Bad thoughts! nasty thoughts! I quickly turn to look at something, anything else. I stare directly at Granny Racists face. She was beside herself in rage and disgust.
I shake my head and walk to the coffee-chest and grab a small old box. It is worn around the edges, and has the many cuts and nicks associated with being in the possession of an attention-deficit man child such as myself. I jiggle the crooked latch and open it, revealing all the money that Discord acquired at the block party. The dirty, sinful, stolen money. I get a good whiff of it, it smells so good.
She snatches the money from me with her claw-like hands. She looks like she is considering counting the money, until she just snorts and rushes out of the apartment muttering," Flermin' chinkeororers..." She slams the door behind her.
I sigh in relief, until if feel a cold chill shoot up my spine when Discord starts talking. "Whatch er probrem?" I grimace and turn back around to confirm my suspicions. He was smiling, but it definitely wasn't intentional. His nonchalant look slowly shifts to a panicked glazed stare when he realizes that his snaggle tooth has wedged the dentures, the same dentures that, not moments ago, were in the mouth of that vicious hag. I laugh at his plight as he tries to lever the false teeth from his mouth using the harpoon.
Okay, I can't resist. "Why are you wearing that?" I try to avert my gaze from the nipp-Errgh... the... fuck it, I am out of here!
~Don't be a pansy, stare at those hairy chest satellites like a man!~
Discord manages to pry the teeth out. "Well this is what you wear for back support no?" He gestures at his attire. "I mean, look at all these straps and belts!"
"Well it's not, now change into something else before I get the whi-" I won't complete that sentence. I just won't. I sigh. "just put something else on." He shrugs and retreats to his room, rubbing his neck.
I here something crash in my room. Oh crap, it's a ghost! Then I remember my little guest. Me and Discord are going to have a chat about that, but first I better check if it broke anything that was mine. I quickly walk to my room and find cupcakes pinned under the broken computer monitor. It looked adorable as it's eyes swelled up in tears. I lift the trashed screen off of it and place it back on the desk. It looks up at me and says," Eet wuuked wike spughetee." It sniffs pathetically. "Bawt eet wuzzent! Eet wuz uh baaaad spuhgetee bawkz. Eet huwt fwuffy pony." I clench my heart from all the d'aww that it has been afflicted with.
"Awww, are you hungry Cupcakes?" It nods its head vigorously. I pat its head and walk out of the room. It follows behind me into the kitchen.
"Spawhgeytee?" it asks, as if unsure that I didn't hear it babble about "Spugetee" as I waited for the water to start boiling.
"Yes Cupcakes, spuhgetee... I mean, spaghetti." The water starts really bubbling now. About time. I grab the box of spaghetti and empty it all in the pot.
The fluffy pony widens its eyes in glee. "Spppeewwwgaaahhtteee!!" It defies all logic and somehow scrambles up the counter with its stubby little hooves, and jumps right into the boiling pot of spaghetti. I look on in horror as it keeps giggling in the scalding water.
"Cupcakes!" I scream as the fluffy pony sinks into the broiling water, its little paw waving in the air, as if giving one last wave of goodbye at me. I... I don't know what to say.
~Cupcakes, it's whats for dinner!~
I rub the grief-filled tears from my eyes as I look in the cabinet for some spices. What goes good with pony meat I wonder? Did it even have meat? Is it edible? Discord can have the first serving. Some paprika and thyme will give it a kick. A piece of chocolate and some maple syrup to give it body. A heap of precooked bacon to top it all off. The fluffy floats to the surface of the boiling water, entangled by the noodley strands like seaweed on a rock. Oh yeah, your supposed to gut them before you cook them. So I guess that means fluffy pony is like chicken then?
The bobbing corpse is swelling faster now. That isn't gas. I back away and use the fridge door as a shield. The late Cupcakes explodes, covering the ceiling with multi-colored ooze and bits of fluff. The pot topples over and the spaghetti, what remains of cupcake, and a fair supply of bacon slide along the floor. Dang Nab it. I stare at the horrific mess. Well, its in whatever cruel god that resides in this hellish den of filth to deal with this mess. The corpse formerly known as Cupcakes began squirming around. Oh god, oh god, oh god! I don't want to become patient zero like this!
Four fluffy pony heads pop out from under the body. They crawl out and shake the rainbow colored gore off themselves. Okay left to right; Red fluffy with green eyes, let's call it Scripture, yellow fur and blue eyes, I'mma call you Shed.mov, Pink fluffy with purple eyes, obviously Cherilee's garden, a brown fluffy with orange eyes, just screams out Spiderses. Wait. There was one fluffy pony... and now there are 4. That means that, either Cupcakes was pregnant, or dead fluffy ponies explode into living ponies. I look at the mess again. Back at the ponies. Back at the rainbow goo splattering the ceiling. Oh balls.
"Pway?" asks Spiderses. All the ponies look around spastically babbling "Pway? Pway!" They all frantically run around me.
I think I am going to be sick. I hear my stomach gurgle like a drowning Welshman. I am beginning to regret taking that entire bottle of antacid. "Just sit still ponies okay?" I say, somehow managing to not vomit on the spot. I stomp off toward the bathroom leaving the fluffy ponies to chew on the dry sticks of spaghetti.
I wipe my mouth with my grimy wrist as I stare in the mirror. I look like a mess! I sigh. Looks like its time for a shower. I begrudging slide open the shower door, unwrapping my toga. I turn the nozzle. Oh shit that's cold! I huddle against the opposite wall of the shower waiting for it to get hot. Okay, I'm bored now. I look around for something to do to take my mind off of thinking about thinking about the crazy shit that has happened this past week. The shower is utterly devoid of distractions. Arrggh! I am living with the embodiment of chaos and now there is a babbling flock of fluffy ponies, creatures that don't exist in Equestria, much less earth, and spite in the face of evolution by exploding into more ponies on death-and-I-need-to-puke-again! Oh look a razor.
I look in the mirror again. I look slightly better now, and freshly shaved. I look down at my silky smooth legs. Awkwardly smooth. I feel silly for shaving them. I rifle through a pile of clothes by the toilet and find a mostly clean set of clothes. Decked out in a black tee-shirt and blue jeans, I feel like I can take anything! I open wide the bathroom door, releasing the stench of vomit into the living room, and the stench of the living room into the bathroom. Good lord it smells like candy mountain!
I witness the carnage, a swarm of fluffy ponies everywhere. A fluffy pony blood bath, the walls and ceiling were covered in fluffy pony rainbow happy time juice and thick gobs of what look to be creme filling. I do not own any dairy products to produce said creme. A group of fluffy ponies have coalesced into some kind of hug orgy while one of the ponies, Scripture I think, managed to hang itself on the ceiling fan. It continually slaps itself against the wall until it swells and pops like a balloon. It rains fluffy pony.
Keep calm Ashton, keep calm. I feel a heat emanating from my room. I slowly open the door, and a gust of fiery heat blasts against my face. Two little fireballs blaze past me and I hear mewling crys. "Fieyou! Owchee owchee owchee!" I can only look on as the two smoldering fluffy ponies literally blaze a trail of destruction. Why isn't the fire alarm beeping? I look up at the ceiling for it, all I find is a blank spot. I look down bellow where it would be and find a fluffy pony licking a battery and giggling inanely.
I sigh wearily and yell out," For the love of your tiny pony deity, please stop!" All the ponies freeze in their tracks. Even the empty shell hanging on the fan is hanging in mid air. Well, that was easier then I thought it would be! They just stare at me, and drool.
"You smell guud dada." One of the fluffy ponies say, a white one. The equivalent of a lustful stare appears on all the ponies faces. Oh balls. They all take a step toward me. "Weaawy gud dada." An Applebloom looking fluffy pony, bow and all, says. I sniff myself cautiously. I still smell like vomit, except vomit mixed with earl gray and bacon with a hint of old spice.
~Ha Ha! You are so boned.~
They are just fluffy ponies! They barely measure to my knees. It's totally fine. Perfectly. Fine.
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod! I hear nothing but the pounding of what must be a hundred fluffy ponies rubbing, scooting, licking, humping, bouncing, fondling, fel-Euaaagghh! Make it stop make it stop make it stop! All I hear them say is," Enf! Enf! Enf!" as the pound away at me. My only relief is that I managed to cover my mouth and nose before I was overcame by that swarm of fluff, and that they aren't very good at molesting me. It feels more like someone dribbling basketballs against me then being prod repeatedly by tiny fluffy pony happy no-nos. It feels so unbearably hot under this pile, and it's only getting hotter by the second. I have no choice now. I scream out," Discord! I have a present for you!"
I hear Discord kick open the door over the chorus of "Enf"s. He gasps in delight. "For me? Oh you shouldn't have Ashton. I feel him grab one of the fluffy ponies off my face. I see the cruel look of glee on his face as he holds the still humping fluffy pony in his hand, oblivious to the spreading flames in the room. Ewwwww. Just don't think about it. Just don't think about it.
~Wow! Look at it go!~
The cherry red fluffy pony finally stops its furious flailing about and looks at Discord. It's horrified shriek stops the humping... for just about 5 seconds until they go back to grinding on me like a Catholic sheep dog. "Munstah! Dada, hewp!" A stream of sparkling glittery urine spurts out of the fluffy pony like a leaky balloon, hitting Discord and white creme-like excrement spurts out from under it. Discord is furious. He dropkicks the fluffy and walks back in the room. He returns wielding a nine iron. I suddenly notice that he is wearing a golf uniform.
Discord going postal on some freakishly adorable retard pony midgets? I can totally get behind that. Discord going postal on said ponies while they are groping my everything? Kinda against that.
~So you are pro-rapist-fluffy-ponies then?~
Good point. I see Discord stroking his beard in thought. We both know what he is going to do, why does he need to even think about it?
"This is going to hurt you... a lot." He says solemnly, and he flashes a maniacal grin as he swings the club.
Oh god of head pains, I plea for forgiveness for what ever sin you think I did. Thinking making hurt brain face pain. I feel a sharp slap across my face. My senses have been jogged. I feel another slap. "Okay I'm awake!" I yelp. I get slapped again. I open my eyes. Ack! I get a face full of smiling Discord. He better have clothes on. Better yet, I better have clothes on. I take a quick peek below. He was wearing a hoodie and sweat pants. I am still wearing the clothes I found in the bathroom, and I notice that my shirt has Trixie's cutie mark. Neat! I sigh in relief. Wait, why am I outside?
"About time you got up sleepy head! You were unconscious for a full 2 minutes. I was getting bored." He pouts.
I taste copper. "Do I have a concussion?" I say, my voice sounds like I am underwater. I shake my head.
He hums in thought. "Probably, but since when was concus-whatevers were a bad thing?" He pulls a flashlight out of his pocket and fondles my eyes with his light beam. "how many mes do you see?"
"One." I answer.
"Wrong!" He looks around, and then at himself and frowns. "Oh. You seem to be okay."
I roll my eyes. "Okay then, can we go back inside? Why did you drag me outside to begin with?" I hear sirens. "Oh", I snidely remark," great, someone's house is on fire and Discord just want's to watch the world burn."
"It's not my fault your fire is so pretty and chaotic." He says.
"So where is the fire?" He puts on a pair of shades and looks behind me, smiling. I stand still and wait. And wait. And wait. Damn, he is so insidious! I grind my teeth in anger. "Fine, I am just going back inside, I am sure you couldn't have dragged me out to far from home." I turn around and make my way to... Oh.
~Looks like that plan... went up in-
LA LA LA LA LA I'M NOT HEARING YOU! MY APARTMENT ISN'T ON FIRE! I WAS NOT RAPED BY FLUFFY PONIES!
Yeah... my apartment is on fire. I sigh sadly, and say," Did any of the fluffy ponies get out?"
"Targets eliminated." He says in a gruff voice. I turn to see him saluting. He lets out a girly giggle.
" Did you manage to take anything outside besides me?"
" Duh! I only got the most needed thing, evar." He pulls out a box. Its a boggle board game. I stare at him. He smiles at me goofily. I smack the box out of his hands. He gasps, and begins to tear up. He stops his fake snivling and narrows his eyes. "So... how do you feel about the fact that everything you owned and cherished are going up in smoke as we speak? He smiles. "Or do you even care?"
"Of course I do!" I shout, outraged. Oh! Idea! There is totally enough time to rush up there and grab the other computer tower! I start to cross the street when the part of the apartment I lived at exploded. Oh yeah... we had a few canisters of gas lying about didn't we? I sigh and walk back to Discord. "Of course I do," I repeat, more for Discord sake, then my own.
"Really?" He asks, raising his eyebrows and leans on a nearby light post.
"Yes." I say, irritated.
He laughs. "Oh really."
"Y-yeah, really." Starting to feel uncertain of my self. I shake my head. It's just mind games. Of course I care that I am homeless and penniless and that whatever held me down to this stupid town is now burning up, freeing me the rut I found myself when I dropped out. Er... Of course this matters to me! My dad is going to flip out when he finds out that I accidentally set fire to the house.
~Not if you run away.~
What about investigations? I wasn't the only person living there after all, and I can't blame all this on fictional fluffy ponies!
~That doesn't matter if you just run away.~
This is real life we are talking about here! You can't just drop everything and leave! I am eventually going to be held accountable for this.
~Pfft, real life! This all stopped being real life around the time the sky flashed pink and you know it, you just refuse to face it.~
I curl up into a ball and rock a little. Everything is going to be okay! Lets see how I can fix this... sell myself on the street corner? Too expensive. Sell my organs? I don't trust anyone enough to not fondle me while I am under. Hightail it to Mexico and live as a bean farmer? I don't know Spanish! Arrggghhh!
"Oh dear, have I finally broken you?" He says in a disappointed tone. I jerk my head up to see him smiling at me. "I guess you couldn't handle real fun." He laughs. "I guess this is where we part."
The word fun reverberates through my head. I am completely screwed no matter what I do. I may as well have fun losing my mind. Maybe I could take the insanity plea when they find me drooling in the corner when Discord finally finds a way to make me completely snap. A warm padded cell sounds really comfy right now. I sigh as I get up and look at Discord, who is now walking down the street. "Wait!" I yell.
He turns and smiles at me. "Yes?"
"Where are you going?" I ask, trying to beat around the bush.
"Does that even matter?" He raises an eyebrow.
"I guess not." I mutter as I follow behind him.
"Where do you think your going?" He prods me in the chest.
"I'm just tagging along."
"Not until you answer my question Ashton." He says snootily.
My eyes dart around. "Uhh..." I stammer, Discord stares at me, a bored look on his face. He taps his foot. I look down. "No." I whisper.
"What was that?" He says, cupping his ear.
"No." I say, a little louder.
"I can't hear you sonny jim!" He has a banana poking out of his ear now.
"No! I don't care that I no longer have a home now!" I yell.
Discord stares at me. His grin widens and he lets loose a crazed laugh. "I knew it!" He shouted, the banana pops out of his ear. He grabs me and looks in my ear. What. He nods and hums to himself, as if he were examining a particularly interesting piece of toast.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing!" He says innocently. I feel him stick his wet finger in my ear. Eaauuuggh! Then he pulls back the back of my pants and looks down their. Damn it, I guess it wasn't enough that I was violated by fluffies was it? I feel my pants snap back. Ouch.
"Any reason for that?"
"Nope!" He skips down the street until a firetruck zooms down the corner. He jumps behind a near-by bush in fear. Oh great, he's acting even crazier.
I walk to the bush he has somehow hidden himself in, despite the fact that it was a fourth his size. Why would he freak out about a firetruck? Oh, he must have been setting to fire to everything when he goes out. "Yo" I say as I nudge the bush.
The bush spasticlly jerks around as his head pops out. He looks up at me, mildly terrified. Now he looks surprised. "Uhhh... nothing." He unsteadily gets up. "Soooo... what was that?"
"How do you not know what a car is? Haven't you been going out everyday and sowing chaos?"
"Of course!" He exclaims, sweating bullets.
I gasp. "You haven't been going outside!" I laugh. "Did widdle discord get scared of little old unorganized earth?"
"Nu uh!" Hey pouts.
"Ya huh!" I say smugly. He starts fuming. "So what have you been doing this week?" He frowns and crosses his arms angrily. He mumbles something. I stare at him and say," What was that?"
He sighs. "Filling hamster balls with beans and reading mangoos." He kicks a rock.
I look back at the apartment. Stupid, stupid freaking fluffy ponies! Wait. I grab Discord. "Care to explain the fluffy ponies?"
"The fluffy what?" He asks. "Oh! You mean those disgusting things? I would guess that it just walked in."
I glare angrily at Discord. "Those don't exist on Earth, now cough up, how did it get here?"
"Oh, so those aren't natural either. How disappointing." He looks at me. He rolls his eyes." I don't suppose "just chaos" would be enough yes?" I nod and he sighs saying," If I were to guess, my little burst of chaos last night created it from all the grime, crumbs, and lint in that disgusting carpet you had."
Thats probably the best I am going to- wait... "What chaos burst?" I ask confused.
"Oh, I guess seeing it must have frazzled your poor little mind and now you are repressing it. Let us not continue this line of conversation for fear of a relapse." Yeah, I bet. We start walking. Where? Who knows? More importantly, who cares?
I stop and look back, I don't see the apartment, or the smoke from the fire. It looks like I am beyond the point of no return. Discord looks back at me. He stops and walks back to me. We stare into each others eyes.
~Oh great, a homo moment.~
"Don't think of it as being homeless Ashton." He grabs my shoulder and smiles. "Think of it as an adventure."
I couldn't help but give a little chuckle. "Whatever." We start walking again.
I take a look where we are. All the buildings a decrepit and they look abandoned. All the cars on the street have broken windows, and I hear cop sirens. This does not bode well. I think we have stumbled upon the bad part of old town. I laugh a bit. The worst that could happen here is someone begging us for change. I hear a shrill harsh voice behind me. "Stop right there, I have a gun."
~You were saying?~
Discord turns around smiling slyly. Ha, Discord can totally handle this, what am I sweating about? Discord sees the mugger behind me and gasps. Well crap. Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay then. I turn around.
~Holy shit! This can't be good.~
I give a sigh of relief. I don't know why Discord is so shocked to see this girl, since he hasn't really gone outside yet, except for that block party, which doesn't really count. She does look like a punk though. You can tell she has big daddy issues, I mean, blue and orange hair? And that yellow jacket? Jeeze, her only redeeming quality are those silver eyes of her. Kinda pretty really... I think I'll call her Bright Eyes.
"Give me all your money..." She looks at me. "Who the fuck are you looking at, bitch?!"