This is the Tale of a young stallion named Elric Faelan, A Stable 132 resident and the the story of the day when the steel door to the outside is unexpectedly opened. A unknown force wreaks havoc to Elric's home as his thrust into a quest to uncover who is responsible for the attack on the Stable. As he journeys forward, he'll meet new friends, uncover a chilling secret from the past, and a unforgiving rage towards his fellow pegasi in the dark, dank sky.
(sexual themes are implied. You have been warned.)
Proofing: Lunello/Megan
Chapters (15)
This is great we should share ideas sometime
Not too bad, although you seem to jump between human and pony references [gestures and names] alot. It might pay to be more vigilant to how you word things. The prologue had me interested for the most part, and I did notice a couple spelling errors.
In this instance it's correctly spelt 'missus', misses sounds like you missed your target.
Don't you mean OK?
Rouge capital there
I would have worded it like this: 15 foot tall steel, gear-shaped door.
ANOTHER?! FUCKING ANOTHER!? What happened the first time!?!?
Overall: Good job. You've earned my upvote.
So far so good, I will make sure to read chapter 1 after I get off work today.
3796099
YES! my first real critism saying i aint a pile of shit that needs to die! lol
Thank you though, I'll go through and fix it up a bit.
3796517
The only real grievance is that you're using human names rather than pony names. Did you mention what the protagonists cutie mark was? Think I missed that bit >.>
I'm interested to see what events you can squeeze into the three weeks leading up to the protagonists capture. Maybe he detonated a Balefire Bomb? Or maybe something smaller like he destroyed a town full or good-for-nothing-raiders with a Balefire Egg Launcher & Balefire Egg? (FatMan and Mini Nuke)
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Elric is a name that I've been wanting to use for some time in one of my stories. Elric in old Celtic, ( I grew up speaking it) means "wise traveler" or a cursed-by (Elrich). Faelan means hunter or, in some translations, "little wolf".
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Sanro is "The Messenger" or "The prophet of war" in old Celtic. so theirs that.
so, in turn, i wanted to make a character with a meaning behind their name and what they do. The cutie mark situation, however, will be explained in a later chapter (very soon), so watch out for that.
I love getting feedback from every one, goo or bad, so keep asking and ill keep answering.
thank you for the comment, gives me something to go on for later stuff.
good so far
Pretty good so far, my only beef is....I want another chapter! No need to rush though, I just curious to where the story leads.
I like that homage
Plus I like the "recounting the events of the story to his interrogator" beginning kinda deal
BOO! Multiple submissions!
BOO!
4084782 Huh? Multiple submissons? What you talking about? This is the first time this has been up.
4084886 No, it spammed my blog receive thing. You must have done a accidental spam submission.
Thanks for adding your story to our group! I hope it helps you get some more views!
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
Good news! Got a hold on my life and starting to get back into the swing of things! Will have a new chapter out hopfuy soon! Thank you for all the support and hope it continues on. I appreciate your patience and see you soon!
update: the story has progressed on paper, but due to work schedule and proper time management, I haven't had a lot of time to update online. I promise it'll be done as soon as i can. thank you for all your patience with this matter.
Really great start! I have a feeling I'm gonna end up binge reading this lol
Update: done writing chapter 10 and half way through chapter 11, just need to edit and type it all out! new chapter will be up soon!
Wow, I really enjoyed this. Keep up the good work!
~JB