Luna has succumbed to the evil within her, becoming Nightmare Moon. Celestia is desperate to restore her sister's sanity, but what can she do to defeat the Nightmare?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 18th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 21st, 2023
ChromeMyriad
In a box under the stairs.
ChromeMyriad
Joined 18th Jul, 2013 ·
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This was a beautiful expression of that moment. I gotta say, it left me in chills at the end.
I enjoyed his story very much; I always liked exploring the emotions felt by both Celestia and Luna over this moment. Perhaps I'll write my own version.
3601011
Go for it! I'd love to read it.
3596819
I'm glad you liked it.
3601753 I might just take you up on that!
This review is proudly brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Harmonic Ultimatum
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9.9 (You had one teeny tiny little slip-up: "He horn glowed for a moment as she touched it to the tiny spiral horn of the foal." Should be 'Her')
Pros:
1) This was an interesting re-telling of Luna's banishment. Having Luna come back from fighting yet another battle, only to hear the criers and chapel-goers bestow her credit on Celestia once again, would certainly make her mad. Nice that you gave her an incentive to usurp the throne, rather than just the whole "I'm jealous of your attention" thing.
2) As I have come to expect from your writing, the layout, structure, spelling and grammar are top-tier.
3) I liked that you weaved this story into now-current canon, while changing various other aspects of the fight, such as how the elements reacted.
Cons:
1) I mentioned that I liked the incentive you gave Luna to turn against Celestia, but I feel like you could have given us a little more back-story leading up to Luna's rage. Luna elaborating on a few other issues similar to the dragon fighting, perhaps? This would have created more of a sense that her rage had been building for some time.
2) While the elements themselves have always been a 'Deus Ex Machina', I think the way that you used them was a little too Machina-ey (that's a word now).
3) The attitude of the elements seems contradictory of their supposed nature.
Notes:
It's always interesting to see peoples' interpretations of past events. This was a fic I was hoping to see done with a bit of S4 freshness, seeing as how this type of story has been written many times before. I have to be honest here, I'm actually kinda happy that the 'Solar Empire/New Lunar Republic' series has been ground into paste. I never did like the idea of Tyrantlestia. "No, she didn't want to send her sister away," I would always say. Now that we've seen just how reluctant she was to fight, and how much it hurt her to do what she did, these "Clash of the Titans" type stories can be written with more credence.
The idea that, instead of Celestia being just praised for bringing out the sun, but also receiving praise for fighting off all the nasties too, worked very well. It's very easy to imagine that Luna would have been angry and jealous, not simply because her sister got more attention, but because her own well-earned praise and credit was being passed off to her sister. This idea makes me feel like Luna may have been in the right, and that her rage at her sister was at least semi-justified. I never liked the idea that Luna was just a sniveling, attention-seeking brat who threw a tantrum for not getting her way, and your idea of her credit for such an important battle--for the safety of their subjects--being stolen offers a much better reason for her resentment.
I love how you had Celestia completely dumb-struck at what Luna was doing, but then had her switch right back into "Princess" mode and order her ponies to evacuate. She did a very wise thing, there. Dropping the canon lines from Luna worked a treat as well; they were woven together nicely with Celestia's reactions to the unfolding events. Having Celestia bless babies seemed a bit much, though. 'Celestia for President'?
The fight was done well, I could literally re-imagine the canon scenes in my head as you wrote them, with the few minor differences you wrote taking on their own form of mental animation. What I didn't really like, though, was how you had Celestia lying there, slowly being taken over, only to have the elements themselves just decide to step in and aid her. It seems unrealistic to me that she would not have had to actually access them. To read, it almost felt like the elements arose from within Celestia herself:
It just seems too convenient.
There's that, and the fact that the elements offered no parley or negotiation with Celestia about Nightmare Moon. One would think that the elements of harmony could have worked something out, instead of rejecting the idea of redemption completely. I felt that this attitude went against their very nature.
For what it is, it was enjoyable to read. Having the "town crier" and "Chapel of Life" idea was pretty grand. It makes me think back to how things were in medieval times (and earlier), when people praised God for absolutely everything that went well. If God had an equal, a brother, I imagine he'd be pissed as well if God was given all the credit for his triumphs instead of him.
Great story, nice and short, concise enough for me to enjoy, but the way the elements acted just didn't feel right. Good effort, though!
I hope you enjoy your review! I await your critical appraisal of my story, Keeper of the Crystal Heart.
3628440
This story is a result of a rush-job. I had to meet a contest deadline and ended up writing the whole thing in a single evening. 
I appreciate your honest opinion!
The idea behind the Elements' actions was the question 'why didn't they just purify Luna back when she turned into Nightmare Moon?' I tried to write a story where they were presented in a colder light to try to explain this.
Yeah, I agree with the deus-ex-machina comment. That was one part I wish I had fleshed out a bit more.
I guess this is as good a place to start as any...
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Hmm...
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AIEE!
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I must admit, Edgeworth. This was a very well done story.
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3666422
Of course! Did you expect anything less?
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3666462 court-records.net/animation/phoenix-withtoupee.gif
Why can't you take 'likes' gratefully, Edgeworth?
3666480
It is not the way of Miles Edgeworth to be grateful.
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(Secretly I'm loving this.
)
3666488 *sigh* I guess I should've known. You never change.
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(I am too! I'm laughing SO hard!
)
3666500
Why would I change perfection?
court-records.net/animation/edgeworth-smug(a).gif
3666506 .....
court-records.net/animation/phoenix-bird.gif
HOLD IT!
court-records.net/animation/phoenix-pointing(a).gif
Ha! Perfection? That's impossible! Now, this, this is perfection!
court-records.net/animation/phoenix-confident(b).gif
TAKE THAT!
court-records.net/animation/phoenix-confident(a).gif
3666523
GAH! Another fic!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyouqd4BsL1qkpnrw.gif
Challenging me in my own comments section? I won't stand for it!
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130630175806/aceattorney/images/a/a2/AA_Young_Miles_Edgeworth_Desk_Slam.gif
We'll just see about this... 'perfection'.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130630175315/aceattorney/images/0/0e/DA_Miles_Edgeworth_Pointing_2.gif
(Currently error-checking a fic for a friend. I'll read it as soon as I can!
)
3666556 That's right, Edgeworth. You've been challenged. Not so confident your 'perfection', now are you?
doulifee.com//Storage/aceatt/GyakutenHeroes/1-ani-phoenix-bravado.gif
(Alright, cool! I'm seriously loving this.
)
I actually like this portrayal of the Elements considering the stuff that their magic does in the Equestria Girls movies. (Misuse of their power being the reason for both Sunset Satan and Midnight Sparkle)
what i hate about these stories is that they depict celestia, a literal goddess who one shotted an alicorn to the moon for a thousand years in less than 5 minutes while using all 6 of the elements of harmoney at the same time, as WEAKER than a younger alicorn whose powers are based.. off of a small rock in the sky that glows due to the suns radiation. a literal hunk of rock. just dust.
make it make sense?????
and daybreaker doesnt count, shes technically not real