1. Member Since 11th Nov, 2013
  2. offline for 10w, 3d

Cillerenda


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The deck of cards that life have dealt Sparkler have not foretold anything great, and spending her life in several foster homes and under-budgeted orphanages seems to be backing that theory up. After being kicked from the orphanage because of her age, Sparkler’s living her life as best as she can in the cold city of Canterlot.

For the Winningverse AU Month!

A HUGE thank you to my fabulous prereaders: devas, Chopsuey, Luminary, ChengarQordath, and last, but definitely not least,Swiftest Shadow!

Wow, featured? Awesome! Thank you everyone! Featured on January 3, 2014. :)

First Published
3rd Jan 2014
Last Modified
11th May 2014

I want to take Sparkler home, wrap her in a blanket, and feed her soup. :fluttershysad:

>>3727192 I... Certainly hope that means you liked it.

Definitely was very pleasantly surprised by this one. Sparkler ends up being a character we can really sympathize with, but not one that's some emo, depressing mess. She's one of those little heroes that'll never really get ahead for it. But she remains a good pony that tries to make life better for others, even when she's in a terrible situation.

By the end, I really, really wanted to see more. And what more can you ask for in a story?

Always leave the readers wanting more, right?

I can see this becoming a multi-chapter story.

D48

This was fantastic and I am really hoping to see you continue this in the future.  I really liked the look into Sparkler's life on the streets, and would like to see how her life goes from here because I cannot help but think that she is going to get herself caught at some point and her choices will almost certainly be either jail or the guard which would be a good way to tie this back into the rest of the cast.

I really don't have much to say, beyond that I really liked it and am craving more.

>>3728251 I'm actually thinking of changing the status on this story to "Incomplete". It's just that many stories like mine, if done right, can go over really well if it's continued into a multi-chapter story. However, I am an amateur writer, and I'm not sure I'm able to continue it while keeping the quality high. I don't know, perhaps I'll continue it, but I'll just have to see.

D48

>>3728422 There is no need to make a solid decision now.  Start working on a continuation if/when you have an idea for it, and if it does not work out you can always scrap it without publishing anything new.

>>3728477 I think that's what I might do. I'll have my prereaders take a look at whatever I do write.

D48

>>3728483 That sounds like a great plan to me.  It gives you room to play without committing to anything so there is no stress either way.

>>3728422

That's probably the best approach to take. Give us a self-contained story that leaves plenty of options for continuing it down the line if you feel inspired. I'd certainly like to see more of this alternate Sparkler's life, but don't feel obligated to force any more writing out if you don't have the ideas and inspiration for it.

>>3728561 I'll be sure to do that, thanks Chengar. :twilightsmile:

>>3727203 yes celery soup and dandelion sandwiches

also I would want to kick auto's flank, he seems like a deuch. if you do continue maybe you can add some character development for them about how they ended up in that situation

oh yea also

This was really good I would not mind seeing more of this if you feel inspired to do more

This was awesome, and it has the potential to go on my reccomended fics list if it is continued, I read so fast that I was sad when I ran out of chapter to read:twilightblush:

The only place I'd ever really known was the orphanage, which was a place were being cute was what got you adopted.

where

I squeezed past the debris that was partly blocking the entrance, tugging hard at the bags of food.

While technically correct, I would personally say partially.

I could understand Jade’s weariness on letting her daughter out in the rain.

wariness

Weariness means to be weary, tired. Wariness means to be wary, to beware, to be reluctant or cautious of.

On my right I could hear the peaceful sounds of nature. I heard birds chirping to each other and the scuttling of borrowing mice.

burrowing, you mean?

Every once in a while I would hear her let a tiny gasp as she watched a bird flutter from tree to tree, or a whimper of uneasiness at the sight of a spider web.

let out

Also, cobwebs and spider webs would be commonplace in an abandoned apartment. One who has grown up around those would certainly not be bothered by the sight of it in a much more open area (forest notwithstanding, it's still more wide open than the inside of an apartment).

Finally, we got to the point where the forest starting getting thick, too thick for my liking.

"started getting" or "was starting to get" or even "was getting"

I'm personally leaning towards the latter two.

"Ya'll ready for dinner?" We all looked at Auto, who had three cans of beans opened up.

Recommend Y'all

Ya'll looks a bit more like "Ya will", know what I mean?

I pressed my hooves into the floorboards, thankful that Jade nor Lilac had seen the stallion's action.

The latter part of this sentence was a bit confusing, especially with the sentence afterwards.

She's thankful that Jade and Lilac did not see what Auto did?

In any case, this was an overall well-written story that definitely provides a great alternate universe. Sparkler is likeable and sympathetic in this story, and we really feel for her.

This definitely has a lot of potential, and should you be so inclined, I can see more coming from this. However, it also works well as a standalone. So as others have already said, do not force yourself to "expand" on this, unless you so desire yourself.

So, well done on a well-written story.

This is wonderful. Personally I don't think Celestia would allow ponies to be homeless, I'd envision some form of government housing and work for those who can't get a job elsewhere. Because of that, I actually read the characters as having some specific reason for not going to Celestia. Which added a great deal of depth to them, for me, without being stated in the story itself. Really that's just my take on the story, make of it what you will.

This is a story I can really buy into. Sparkler's in a bad spot, but you balance out the darker side of things by showing her relationships with the other ponies she's with.

In this kind of story, it's really easy to fall into the trap of overdoing the hardships, but there's never really an 'O woe is me!' feel to this story. It's ponies in a bad situation, eeking out a living and forming a kind of family with each other.

Honestly? If you chose to expand on this, I'd come back to read it. As it was, I'm definitely glad I read this one.

That was well done, you can definitely count me as being on board if you choose to continue it.

This was very well done and I'd definitely like to see more of it.

That was good. I like your characterization of Sparkler. It's the details that make it work. The way she hates stealing, but does so anyway for the sake of the others. The red silk lining of the wallet. The way she uses her hood to cover her horn when she's doing magic. Things like that make it seem more real.

And Auto was a dick. I thought you were building up to a confrontation with him, but then the story ended.

this defiantly needs to be a branch series. great work

Sparkler is best Winning Pony. Well, other than CK, nopony tops CK.

I would very much like to see more of this. :twilightsmile:

Complete? Complete?!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

>>3734227 Who's to say that won't change? :trollestia:

Whoa, you got featured?! So proud of you! :pinkiehappy:

>>3735626 Thanks! I know, I never would have thought this story would get featured! :yay:

God, I would love it if this got continued.

Fantastic AU story, and you chose a fantastic event to alter.  The bleak future that awaits Sparkler, despite her good nature, readily highlights the fact that so much as one act of kindness and unconditional love (albeit, a pretty darn big one on Derpy's part adopting Sparkler) can make all the difference in the world in anyone's life.  Great little one-shot, all around: thank you for making a great contribution to the AU Winningverse, and congratulations on the first-time feature! :twilightsmile:

I find it disappointing how rare stories are that even near this level of quality on this site. Your characters are likeable and interesting, your grammar is solid, your tone is spot-on... believe it or not I really can't find anything bad to say about this. I like how nothing truly new of defining really happens in this story; it's slice-of-life in a very pure sense, and we have no reason to believe yesterday was any different, or to expect that tomorrow something will change. This is Sparkler's life, and we just need to accept that.

I really have nothing negative to say about this story. It's interesting enough that I'd actually read on if you wrote more, and that's not very common. Good stories make for horrible reviews...

Your Rating: :pinkiesmile:

If you don't know, I'm part of a feature called Weekly Watch. This week I'm watching

The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group, so that's why you're getting a review from me. No offense was in any way intentional; all I want is to help the denizens of this website to improve. Your rating, and others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!

>>3746871 Pfft--thank me when I can come up with a way to help you improve.

>>3730093 We all wanna be praised by Comma-Kazie. Very enjoyable. And remember, only ponies with the biggest hearts :derpytongue2: could adopt a teenage orphan.:derpyderp2::derpyderp1:

do i sense sparkler jade shipping? great job with the new chap. keep it up!!

D48

This was very good even if it was a little on the slow side.  It is making me think something big is going to happen next chapter one way or another.

Solid chapter. Not a whole lot happened, but it feels like we got some interesting fleshing out of the story and character backgrounds. I'm curious to see the next chapter, since Auto is the main unknown of the cast right now. I'd imagine the work they'll be doing on Sunday would be a chance to get to know him a bit more than what we've seen so far. Should also be interesting to see if any familiar faces show up.

Wow, you did a nice job advancing the storyline. Gave us some background for Jade, added to Sparkler's development with Lilac, and gave a couple hints towards Auto without actually giving himself away, keeping it a mystery.

The only piece of advice I can give you is this: have an ending in mind. I'm not exactly sure where this story is going. I felt like this chapter was there for storytelling and only that. Sure it gives some more history and pushes the story forwards time-wise, but I feel as though this was somewhat rushed. Make sure you aren't just writing aimlessly, have a point where you know the story will end.

But I mean really, I liked this chapter and am still wanting more. Also, rape victim. Nuff said.

Seems like Jade might be bipolar or possibly manic depressive. I'm getting a bad vibe off of her sleeping with Sparkler. Auto comes across as sort of a bad seed, with a possible interest in Sparkler, but it feels a little too obvious and more like a red herring. Jade really seems like the one to watch out for.

Just Auto and I

That statement, combined with Jade's backstory, makes me really nervous. :twilightoops:

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