Night, My OC is teleported to our world after a spell goes wrong. Night and I have lived a happy life, well most of the time, but he has no idea what is in store for him. Will Night find out about being in a book? Or will he just live with me forever and have to hide the fact that he is in a book. My parents are a little worried, but ha that's what I get for Night being here. A new foe how ever has arose, both Night and I have no clue that it may be an old friend from a story.
Co-writing with Arkman575
Seth is Andrew's OC. I had this picture stored in the back of my hard drive and I found it.
Don't hate cause of Night being a Alicorn, he's not over powered
Chapters (6)
Please continue pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease
Spelling error, yes I know. They will be fixed
3577048 Yes I will and thank you for liking this, most people hate it cause Night is an alicorn so thank you so very much
Y'know, it's not just about him being an Alicorn, it's just the fact that he has powers that could only be described as Mary Sue; without explanation. This is more like a writing of your Personal Fantasies. WHICH, I do not mind, but if you want to publish it to the Internet, please make it enjoyable. You know what you gotten into... And you kind payed the price with negative votes.
3578184 Im trying not to make him overpowered and yes I know what im walking into but that just the price of my OC if people hate so other will like it. For an Alicorn hes not as powerful as the others in the show
My OC is not a Mary Sue character. I think that if a character that KILLED HIS MOTHER and fights with his father is nowhere near perfect. Night is not OPed I say that in my other fanfic he knows how to focus his magic.
Thank you all who liked this story. Just thank you all, I will add more.
Ok,people who like this be sure to check my other story. What if your father was the god of chaos. what if you learn the hard way being a ruler's son is different from normal life. Well that's what Night Wolfe, the son of Discord learns after Discord breaks free and takes over Equestria. Night battles many foes and learns that he KILLED his own mother, this and the fact that the pony he saves and her friends learns that when they die, Night he will still be alive, how will this effect Night,Videyo, and Discord. The mane six are dead so who will rise to fight Night and Discord. That the short of it be sure to check it out. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/144080/night-wolfe
3592760 good or bad
Sweet a knew chapter
3624763 WHY
3624899 Because you deleted my comment.
3625867 Well when I looked on your page I saw you hated Alicorn OCs
3626516 Perceptive, I like that.
3626664 well just know this not all Alicorn OC are OP
3626668
>has the ability to fly
>has the ability to use magic
>lives for long time because alicorn
>somebody's OC
I'm sorry, but that seems quite overpowered to me.
3626688 Just like everyone else, Night can't do any magic without Discord, yes he can fly, but come on at lest I made it without Discord he can't do any magic. he maybe the son of chaos, but that doesn't make him OP. GIVE ME F**KING CREDIT!
3626719 Well, I can give you some credit. There's not an ounce of red or yellow in your OC that would make him as bad as some of the OCs on this site. Still, alicorns do terribly on this site, btw.
3626726 I know that yes, just people see one and think he's OP. I made Night like that so he won't be OP, people need to read before Disliking.
3626731 How about this, I'll give you some more credit. Your spelling/formatting/grammar/ability to write is very, very good. I'm very impressed with your abilities to maintain a good looking text. And just for that, I'll redact my downvote into an upvote.
3626742 Thank you and I may not be a clop fan, but dang your writing is good.
3626745 Ďakujem mnohokrát.
3626742 And remember I'm co-writing with another author, go check him and read my other story
3626753 Gotcha
3626759 And plz do fav. fun backstory, When I came to FImfiction I couldn't write a story to save my life, I never did like reading/writing. Now I'm in a writing club at school, they have helped me get better and most of my friends brony or not.
3579172 There's your problem; that backstory is
INCREDIBLY
generic. Try making something a little more unique, bro.
is also
INCREDIBLY
generic. Don't forget to separate "may" and "be".
Also:
Yeah, that will totally convince us that he's not some retarded copy-paste OC with nothing unique about him. Totally.
3626973 ARE YOU DUMB, TRY READING, well at least people like my OC
So, I do like the idea of the story, as well as the premise of a non-OP Alicorn. Your spelling is great; very few to no mistakes. There also seems to be a decently thought-out storyline; props for that! There are however, many things that could be improved on.
Firstly, your sentence structure and a few grammar points could use some work. Some of your sentences feel like run-ons. Example:
That could perhaps be split into two, such as: "Mother opened the door and turned to her right. Standing there was the one pony I wanted her to see." There's also this, though I'm just being nitpicky:
Just trade that bolded 'to' for 'too' and you're golden! Just remember to keep things like that in mind. There are points in the story where you forget the 'ed' on a word. Perhaps the greatest mistake though is your use of periods in speech. Example (one of many):
To properly write periods into speech like that, you're supposed to use a comma, like so: " “Oh just a book on magic that's all, I'm sure I can find it,” Night replied as we came home." So far these have been critiques to help with readability. That said, I'm going to dive into a little constructive criticism now (because everyone hates being told bad things about their work without being told why).
I have a few gripes about the story pacing. Though there are well-paced parts, there are some parts that just feel rushed and therefore poorly done. Two examples that really caught my attention:
In the first one, there was no build, no emotional attachment, nothing. They went from joking to crying in a couple of sentences, with the crying just tacked on at the end, almost as an afterthought. I don't want to come off as rude, however you have to see what I'm talking about here! This happened at a scene change, where 'nothing interesting happened that day' and now we're in his room. If it's supposed to be a sad/emotional scene, make Wolf act down. Start by describing the room a little, maybe using things like 'lonely' 'quiet' 'a single dim lamp lit the room'. Make Wolf answer Night in a emotionless tone, such as to indirectly hint at a problem to start the ball rolling. Then maybe instead of flat out telling Night what's on his mind, have Wolf dodge it a little, with Night insisting to know till Wolf tells him.
For the second example, the bully cliche is a little too much. The bully says like two whole sentences and then goes to punch the kid! Details man, details! Add something that describes Wolf being blockaded into a corner of the building, with seemingly no escape. Describe Wolf's internal thoughts and emotions, and no blatant descriptions either; add some imagery. Blatant example: "I was so scared at that point." A little more descriptive: "The adrenaline that coursed through my veins caused my hands to shake and my knees to weaken. It was a 'Fight-or-Flight' situation, and I could do neither."
Other than those two, the story wasn't all that badly paced, and was decently written. Adding details will improve your writing; readers will be more immersed in your story. Outside? Describe the view, the sounds, the smells. In a cafeteria? The same applies. I don't want it to seem like I'm bashing your story, I really do see some potential, but you have to bring it out. I withhold my vote for now, but I will be watching this.
Cheers and Good Luck!
~Electrician~
P.S. I see the biggest complaint you seem to be receiving is 'your OC is OP hurrrr
' and nothing further. If I may suggest something, maybe sometime in the next few chapters, have a part that really shows Night's handicap (have him fail to do something important because he can't use magic, etc). Show them that the flaws you gave your character seriously hurt him in some aspects.
3640002 Oh you are a god, thank you. First person I have seen read the story and say Night isn't OP and I'm still looking at it trying to find problem. The next chapter will shock you more then anything. Thanks for telling me problems and a few ideas that I will use in the future.
PS:Read the other story that Night is in.
As many know people have been asking for how Nightmare Moon and Discord meet to have Night. This will be a side story, one chapter. thank you all for the support and my chaos rule.
Better grammar, a bit more description, and this would actually be pretty good.
I liked it to counter the haters. Also, if you want I can edit/revise for you and give you advice. That would improve upon the grammar and writing quality immensely. This has potential, you just aren't harnessing it.
PM me if you're interested. I sure am.
P.S.
Also, it's great you are actually continuing this. Almost any other would've given up.
Kudos.
3726866 Hello and thank you very much. One of few commented that aren't hate, lol.
Still a few mistake I see, but it will get better.
I would have given up, because of all the hate and noway to get it through people's head that my OC for an alicorn is no OP
3726866 BTW have you read the other story and how did you find this one.
the other one show what Night is doing in his world, very dark
damn, this guy is like the new FelixDawn
3729609 I know what you mean, but is that good or bad?
3729619 I truly admire your persistence, Many authors would have given up by now, I'm not going to call your story shit or anything but I recommend you read some high quality fics and analyze how they transition between scenes and how the story flows, also if you don't want an editor then try to look up the rules for writing and grammar as it can seriously be difficult and this site seems to want to bash everyone who isn't spot on with it
. This fic is a promising idea, if you can maybe fix up your wording and get your collab partner to look over your work then it can be something good. Good luck with it!
3729684 Thank you very much
3729685 No problem, I enjoy giving friendly advice to authors.
Btw I'm sure the people who were rude only saw "Alicorn OC" as Alicorn OC's are very taboo here on this site
3729707 I know that's why i try to make Night not OP
3729709 Just keep that mindset, I wish you the best of luck!
Having read over you past responses, your OC doesn't seem at all like a Mary Sue/OP character..... even when he's the offspring of Discord and Nigthmare Moon. My OC is nothing close to perfect, even when he is a Voodoopunk cult leader.... I really need to make his past into a story form. -_-
I've at least now started a story, it's currently just the prologue for my OC but it's at least a start.