PhycoKrusk (fi'ko-krüs'k) n. that jerk whose user page you accidentally wandered into
The Griffon Kingdom516 stories ·845 members
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This story is a sequel to The Other Jake
Shortly after being forced to confront numerous personal demons, life complicates further for Skitch-Sketch when a UFO (unguided falling object) crashes at Sweet Apple Acres.
Weeks after that, it's time to return that object to its owner, the mysterious Jacoby Flynn, and decide if the world outside of Equestria is any more accommodating than Equestria is outside of Ponyville.
Another story in the Skitchverse.
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I couldn't get into this one.
Some parts work magnificently; Alexios versus Snowflake, for instance. Or the courtly manner between Rarity and Hansel. But for other parts, it's entirely too much leaping into a story in progress, with slice of life instead of real progression.
Lets take apart a few scenes to elaborate; the mane 7 are waiting for Jacoby's arrival. Why? Because a rocket crash landed on Apple Acres. Fair enough... but there's clearly been some kind of back and forth between Skitch and Herr Flynn. Since we haven't seen it, we have to piece together the developments from what's presented. Skitch is being teased about having a boyfriend, and responds as a young boy being teased about a girlfriend might. Given what we know about Skitch... this kinda suggests there is a developing relationship between the two. Later on, Skitch calls Jacoby "Jake," which is kind of a big deal for her. What with the whole prior being a Jake thing. Possibly for Jacoby himself.
I want to say the response here should be to just have them writing letters in the past and use them as chapter breakups, but then there's the issue of the introductions. So... how did they find out about each other? Is Jacoby written of? Is Skitch a report? This isn't incidentals; the Gryphon Confederation is played as outright hostile to Equestria, and Jacoby accidentally fired a rocket into Ponyville's food supply. What happened?
Alexios and Pinkie. I want to like this. I really do. You started out with a good characterization for the pink party pony, but while she takes a background role, it's Alexios that confounds me. The prior piece didn't portray him like this. If anything, he came across as somewhat inconsistent or vaguely defined, but not so in tune with the pink one as to give psychic communications. There was no indication of that anywhere. Hell, if anything, I'm honestly seeing more AJ in his prior depiction than Pinkie Pie. So... either I'm just completely misreading the character (always a possibility) or he's on vacation and going with the party pony? If so, what was the staring contest thing?
Hansel... I really liked Hansel. He was a nobleman that actually did things, he had a sense of humor, he was compassionate and just a good guy. Now, he's also a ninja. And throws ponies out of banks. And apparently can charm dragons?
Hansel is the poster gryphon for the single biggest problem I have with this piece; that so much of it feels like the rest of the world is just lining up to say how awesome these new characters are. Now, mind you; some of the scenes work.
Clink is glorious, right up until the bank is shut down because Legal Tender is a horribly stupid bank president. It lets Hansel illustrate his clever wit, establishes Legal Tender's motives, and even introduces us to the complications of finance in Equestria. It also has money talk, and it is very compelling. I have no idea why every pony is thrown out and the bank is closed... but everything before that is solid writing.
Alexios' finger pushups? Great, and works nicely within the established world since Snowflake is the one challenging and celebrating. The big pile of bits seems off, but the rest is glorious.
But so much of the story has the residents of Ponyville simply be amazed at these strange new creatures of power and grace. This hits a nasty note when we find out that Hansel can take three stallions solo faster than Rainbow Dash can see. It takes him from competent to parody, and given who these ponies are, begs the question of what the hell Equestria would do if the Gryphons did invade. After all, a nobleman can drop three thugs faster than their best young flyer can see. What could an active soldier do?
Basically my suspension of disbelief ran into a wall pretty much from the start. Too many questions, not enough bridges, and the piece felt more like 'look at how cool the new guys are' rather than 'lets do stuff together.'
3627630
Your points have been noted, and with that in mind, it is presently my opinion that pieces here need to be reworked.
3627630
As a follow-up, your points have been incorporated, and the chapter has ben revised in parts to hopefully smooth it out.
Oh god that was a good one I'm gonna have to steal that one oh sweet god...
Given that a missile entered Equestria, I would expect much more political and military tension.
8651715
Enough weird stuff happens in Ponyville that no one will pay it any kind, and what the Sisters don’t know won’t hurt them.
need to reconcile the number
There seems to be some confusion about just how many would be muggers there were
Also, in Boast Busters Twilight was able to lift the Ursa Minor, I'm surprised that this caused them so much trouble.
surprise