Equestria, a land of peace and prosperity. It has been free of any true war for centuries and has prospered for it. However, it has also changed little in that time and its guard isn't what it should be. For several centuries now House Star, a noble house that is the last standing member of the ancient Lunar Court, has tried to get Canterlot's other noble houses, and indeed the royal of the sun, to see this but have never succeeded. Twilight, newest princess of Equestria and heir of House Star, just might know a way to shake things up.
Chapters (8)
gah, a quiz that I will fail!
Anyway fun story!
3599787
Thanks. It's been a fun one to work on.
wow, this could have been an awesome full fledged story. on par with Lines and Webs, if fleshed out to its full potential.
That was a fun read. It's not often you see chessmaster Twilight. I do have two criticisms, though. First, it seems very rushed. This plot easily could have filled up a 50,000 word story. Things are always happening very quickly and that makes it harder to savor. The second issue is the ending, or rather lack of one. I'm going to assume you're setting things up for a sequel, but things just stop. Really, it has a lot to do with the rushing issue. Chrysalis being defeated makes for an excellent way to wrap up this story, but it was so quick and easy, it made for a poor climax and the little bit at the end seemed tacked on. Still, I had fun reading it.
3600768
Wow, thanks.
3601222
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind for future projects.
Pretty nice. I like chessmaster Twilight, and it's not something you see to often.
I kinda feel like Tia was played more naive than she really should, but it works anyway.
3601334 of course, that would mean this'd be a full fledged project that'd take much time and collaborative effort from various parties involved. but yeah, i could honestly see this being somewhere up there with Lines and Webs. hell, you could even ask the writer of L.a.W to help you if you felt like it.
3601715
Thanks. Aye, I suppose she was at that. I'll see about correcting that in any possible sequels.
3601838
Wouldn't really be too hard. I think it's very plausible that Celestia has a huge blind spot for anyone she's close to. I think it's mostly willfull ignorance on her part, trusting Twilight not to do anything bad. I mean, she has to know Twilight is a member of house Star.
I'd be interested in why the Royal Guard is apperantly so corrupt. I have a hard time believing she isn't aware of that.
Everyone was out-of-character, Spike was OP, and the MC's plans went too perfectly with no need for improv, but the story was still fun to read.
3902303
Out of character in an alternate universe? Interesting argument. Dragons are always op. Plans that don't go perfectly aren't any fun. Thanks, glad you liked it.
awesome story
This story moves a tad bit fast and needs some editing, but I liked it all the same
3920812
Thanks.
3997181
Editing in what way? I was sure I spelled everything right.
3997509
A number of your sentences are rather awkward and/or fragment.
Awwwwww... But I HATE history quizzes!
Seriously though, aside from some few grammar whopsies this story was great. Really fun read.
4033642
Thank you. Any particular grammar issues come to mind so I know what to fix?
4033716 Probably all the missing commas ever. No spelling errors (Except for one time you wrote 'be come' instead of 'become')
so how early did they start the plan since before twilight met celestia or later?
4116870
Do you mean the family or Twilight herself?
4117888 twilight
4119676
If you mean her plot to consolidate a power base, yes it does predate when she became her student but not before she saw her at her first Summer Sun Celebration. If you mean the plot with the foreign prince, no. That didn't happen until after she was already her student.
If you mean her implied plot of a coup, then that is a much more recent thing only having cropped up maybe a year or so before Luna's return.
I hope that answered your question. If it didn't, I do apologize.
i really want there to be a second story to this! it's awesome!
4188770
There will be but it might be awhile. I need to wrap up my current story and I have a vampire Twilight in the works as well before I get back to this.
4190514 can't wait! both for the sequel, and for that vampire twilight one!
"Shadow clone?"
Has Pinkie picked up some skills from beyond the fourth wall?
I have no idea what's going on, but I'm intrigued.
...Didn't see THAT coming.
"that numbness spreading through your body? That shrinking feeling as reality starts to fade out around you? That is my magic. Welcome friend to your new eternity. You and I are going to be working closely. I really do feel bad about this but it assures me of your loyalty.”
Well. That was bloody horrifying.
Is that a hitchikers guide to the galaxy refrence?
4274547
Only in so much as the NMB field probably gained its first appearance there. You can find it in other sci-fi and fantasy. I was actually thinking of where the Doctor used it in a Doctor Who episode.
...the fuck is a shadow path? You don't just drop something like that into your story and just expect us to know what that is! Explain what it is! Put some detail and description into it! Make it sound cool, not just "oh they used a shadow path". Make your story interesting! That's the point of a story, isn't it?
Also you have no concept on how to use commas. There are so many jumbled up run-on sentences in the first few chapters I have difficulty understanding what I am reading.
4383658
Heh, if you can't follow what is more or less a preset spell, a shadow walk if you prefer, that is something I would have a hard time explaining with any more precision than that. You step into a shadow and out another where you want to go. Pretty direct. Much like the dimensional mirrors only you know... with shadows and not other dimensions.
Hm... nice and thanks for the help. Mind pointing out where precisely? I only ask as I just reread over the first two chapters and I see no run on sentences anywhere in them. I see commas used in dialogue where one draws attention of who they are talking to before they continue, where they are supposed to be when one is detailing different descriptions of an object (pretty, purple, and powerful was that unicorn), and mostly where an aside in the sentence is being used to establish a bit more background info to the reader. I guess that last one might be the ones you are considering run on sentences.
This is an interesting story so far, but you are really moving much too fast. You have a lot of big, important things and revelations happening one right after the other with no breaks or build-ups. This would be much better if you would give us the time to connect with your characters instead of just hitting us with all your plot points one after the other. I am enjoying this story, but it's just too fast-paced to really grab me.
Fun story. More than a little rushed, but hey, I suck at writing, so who am I to tell you that stuff.
A fair amount of grammatical errors throughout the story, but nothing too jarring. The only thing that really bugged me (pun not originally intended, but totally intended now that I noticed it) was the changeling's name at the end of "Endgame Moves": "Legon". I am not completely sure, but I think you were going for Legion. As in Legionnaires and 'we are many'? That was my biggest thing. If you were actually going for "Legon", then I apologize, ignore me.
The mechanics are nice, but the story, the plot, that is what is most important, and the story was a blast to read.
Also, trying to remember where I keep seeing your username: on the Badass Twilight group forums? quite possibly other stories I read that end up on that group? Hmm. Probably that one.
Anyway, good luck on future writings.
5470603
I can honestly say I don't remember why I chose Legon as a name now but I can assure you that was supposed to be the name. I think it meant something in another language most likely as that tends to be what I do when I have to give out random names. Perhaps something to do with vessel or possession but I can't recall now.
Aye, you've seen me in the Badass Twilight forums. It is one of my favorite groups around here and I enjoy weighing in on what is going on in it.
Thank you. I wish you well on any future endeavors of your own as well.
I just readed this and it was nice but could be longer more fillers because it was nearly nonstop plot progression.
And damn that harsh even for what she planned Chrysalis get overtop punishment for this. Maybe not looking how equestria like to punish in 1k year isolation.
Any plans for sequel?
5594731
Aye, I have plans for a sequel but it might be awhile before it pops up.
Yep, I kind of stick purely to plot progression when I write. I'm not too good with filler.
5596251
I will wait, I hope just changelings won't be only marionettes :p
I have no conception of what is supposed to be going on. Stringing together a mysterious, shadowy plotline is a tough needle to thread. You need enough detail to give the motives and means of the characters involved but layer it with enough deception that you don't break suspense.
What you have here is a collection of ponies saying things that have little to no meaning. You missed the needle.
I admit: I want more of this.
4274943 A Perception Filter...?