Albert Wesker and the Uneventful, Non-Dragon Related Day
Albert Wesker and the Uneventful, Non-Dragon Related Day
Author's Note: The Tvtropes page for this fanfic still says 'regular updates'. Erm... oopsies? Sorry I've been so bad at updating for the last... few months. I've just been in a bit of a rut but I feel I owe you a chapter so please enjoy. If you want someone specifically to blame for me inflicting this new chapter on you then please direct your attention to Lunar Scholar on Fanfiction.net who has written a kind of alternate 'My Little Wesker' whereby the whole cast of RE5 go to Equestria. Reading that kind of made me think... Huh, I miss writing Wesker. On a side note, I've always wanted to go to a spa to relax because I'm inherently twitchy and anxious (plus my back is in dreadful condition) but I'm poor.
It went against all basic survival instincts to want to run towards a giant, spiny, fire-breathing lizard but science beckoned for Albert Wesker. Despite his internal promise to himself that he would forgo any attempt to follow around the elements of harmony like a bored, adventure-seeking puppy, there was a niggling voice in the back of his mind saying...
You suck, make me a sandwich!
Not saying that. It was an actual thought, rather than an all too real and persistent reminder of his insanity. What surprised him the most though was not that it demanded to see something new and exciting and catalogue it for the purposes of biology but instead it screamed 'DANGER'.
Of course it's dangerous, it's a dragon! Come on Al, get with the program here.
Well obviously. What bothered him was not the fact that dragons were dangerous but the fact that he even gave a damn. Perhaps he had found a fascination with playing the hero in this cloyingly sweet land. Maybe this was how Chris felt 24/7. He smirked:
I'll save you! I'm a hero! My IQ is room temperature but that's okay because I work out!
It suits you Al, imagine how good you'd look if you bulked up.
That settled the matter, he definitely wasn't going to chase after the 6 ponies as they traversed the mountain. Patience was certainly a virtue and one of the few that Wesker possessed in abundance. The question remained as to what he was going to do in the meantime; he hadn't quite realised just how reliant Ponyville was on their eminent citizens for any kind of entertainment. Everything even mildly exciting that happened appeared to be channelled through one or all of them. Perhaps this was a good thing, could he use this oasis of calm as an opportunity to enjoy a spot of relaxation before things went to hell and there were demon-horses flying in through the windows and everypony had to repel them with brooms and a friendly singsong.
So it was that Wesker eventually found himself in the spa, questioning his sanity but also undeniably feeling the aches and twinges of both farm-work and a fortnight spent in a coma. The two overly keen receptionists/masseuses gave him serious pause for thought however. Despite his qualms, he had ensured that he adhered to extremely strict health regimes in the human world before all this madness and he saw no reason to let that slip.
“Ah sir.” The two earth ponies instantly zipped to his side as he entered the building, the blue mare with the pink mane spoke first, with an accent that Wesker could only define as 'Eastern European' “I'm Lotus Blossum. A lot of stallions would be too embarrassed to come into a glorious place of relaxation such as this, I'm pleased you're above such silliness.”
The pink mare with the blue mane followed on from this, “I am Aloe. We are glad you are secure enough in your masculinity to enjoy such a wondrous experience. What can we do for you today?”
Wesker rolled his eyes, “You can reassure me some more about my sexuality.”
Sarcasm appeared to have been wasted on this occasion, “That's not our regular service but we'd be happy to help.”
“I am sure you are extremely popular with the mares.”
“Being attracted to stallions isn't an indictment on your sense of personal worth.”
Wesker smiled disarmingly, “I will pay you for a massage, please don't speak at any point during it unless absolutely necessary.”
The pair beamed and spoke in perfect unison, “Fantastic! Please make yourself comfortable on one of our massage tables.”
The blond stallion frowned, “Aren't you going to charge me first?”
Lotus Blossum piped up first, “You are Miss Rarity's new friend, no?”
“Well yes I suppose I am, why does that...?”
Aloe followed up, “Then this one is... how you say...on the house.”
“Ah yes, Miss Rarity spoke of you Mr Wesker, all dark and brooding and mysterious.”
“Did she now?”
“Indeed, we won't tell her of your self-doubt with regards to your ability to...”
“That was sarcasm!”
The pair smirked in unison as they led the blond to the massage table but it was only Lotus Blossum who spoke, “Oh no Mr Wesker, you must explain these things more clearly. We in the spa industry are all bimbos and airheads.”
Wesker barked out a laugh as he lay face down, “Very funny. I get the impression I'll need to watch myself around you.”
“Absolutely not Mr Wesker! If you are not totally at ease around us then we are failing miserably at our job, no?”
“I'm afraid 'totally at ease' might be slightly beyond even your talents, Miss Aloe. I'll settle for 'not in pain'.”
Aloe began gently pressing on the blond's back, “Ah yes, I hear you were the hero against the Ursa. This town appreciates what you did.”
He sighed contentedly and replied, his voice a dull hum as he settled into a luxury he had not experienced since before Spencer's death on Earth, “If by 'Hero' you mean, 'pony who got slapped into a wall by a giant space bear' then you would be correct.”
Lotus made a noise of amusement as she prepared to file his hooves. “Humble too. Ponyville needs brave stallions like you.” Initially he tried to turn aside the pedicure but eventually decided to allow it. Mainly because it was free and he was a sucker for a bargain.
You are really impressing me with your masculinity here Al.
Masculinity was for the ugly and uncomfortable. Right now he had absolutely no qualms with a spa day, however much it pricked his ego. After all the madness he had experienced, it was nice to know that there were constants between this world and the one he had left behind.
The pressure was being incrementally increased on his aching back and he groaned as he felt it unknot slightly.
“Ah, you are so tense. How can a stallion in such good shape allow himself to become such a mess?”
“I bet you say that to all your clients Miss Aloe. Also did you hear the detail some 20 seconds ago when I stated I got slapped into a wall by a giant space bear? The whole town seems to have glossed over that detail very quickly. And the fact there's a dragon belching smoke on the mountainside nearby.”
Lotus raised an eyebrow to Aloe, “I told you it was a dragon.”
Wesker was torn between rage and relaxation, “Why exactly is everypony so apathetic about all the madness around here?”
Aloe spoke this time, “Ours is a fantastical world Mr Wesker, you have to learn to roll with it or be left trailing in its wake.”
He ignored the bitter rebuke burning in his throat and allowed himself to relax slightly more under the pink mare's hooves, “I find myself trying very hard to do so Miss Aloe. Generally it involves a lot of pain. And parties.”
“Well, is something being done about this dragon at least?”
“Yes, Princess Celestia sent 6 unarmed mares to have a friendly conversation with it.”
Lotus chimed in, “I take it you disapprove of the diplomatic route.”
He groaned as he heard his spine crack, “On the contrary, I think diplomacy is a remarkably useful tool but I feel there are some situations where a backup plan is necessary. Such as when you're interacting with a potentially hostile dragon.”
“Ah then why did they not bring you? You seem to be able to handle yourself.”
He rolled his eyes, “Yes and also if I get hit into a hard,flat surface by 3 more mythical creatures then I get the next one for free.” Wesker sighed, “I wasn't invited and frankly I could do without the hassle.”
“Do you not worry about their safety?”
“Are you joking Miss Aloe? They'll probably become best friends with it and I'll have to attend a party in its honour.”
“You seem very sure of yourself Mr Wesker, unblinking in the face of peril.”
Wesker half-smirked, “Do you flirt this outrageously with everypony you massage or am I just lucky today?”
A touch more pressure was added, “Tut-tut Mr Wesker, you're mistaking a calculated skill like full-body massage for something intimate. I only like you as a friend.”
He chuckled deeply, “Duly noted.”
“Feel free to drift off, by the way, don't feel obligated to stay awake just to exchange chit-chat with us.”
“There's no danger of that Miss Blossum, I really have no intention of falling asleep right now. Relaxation is one thing but sleep in the middle of the day is quite another.”
Aloe tutted once more, “No wonder you are so tense, you can't even bring yourself to nap. When was the last time you allowed yourself a chance like this to unwind? You seem so intense and serious all the time.”
“A fair few years... and it suits me, Miss Aloe.” There was a brief pause as he allowed himself to melt into the massage table a little more, “I used to unwind by jogging but I ended up giving that up after a while.”
“Too much fun?”
He snorted amusedly, “Not quite.”
Truth be told, he'd given it up because he'd always ended up at the same place whenever he left his US hideout, Birkin's grave. It was difficult enough trying to acquire power and bring down Umbrella covertly without sentimentality sticking to him like tar. It was made even more ridiculous by the fact that William Birkin had died miles away as a gelatinous blob in the ruins of Raccoon City, there wasn't even a body in the grave but still, his feet had always taken him there.
The two spa ponies picked up on the silence of the blond and carried on their work without talking and despite his earlier insistence, Wesker eventually drifted off into sleep and into another memory...
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Wesker at a spa. Wow, that's a sentence I never thought I'd be saying.
This chapter was so worth it <333
Great dialogue. Teaser-filler but great dialogue.
Wow, wesker at the spa
Aren't we all, friend?
Nice to see an update
You never disappoint me.
Keep up the record.
Huh, I was wondering where this story went. I was planning on making a few calls, but...
Well that was an enjoyable read, I can't help but wonder how Rarity will react when she finds out that he went to the spa? Try and get him to go with her and Fluttershy to their weekly treatment?
I am quite pleased to see this update! Highly enjoyed the chapter!
The dead walks again! What is this nightmare?
I cant wait for Miss Quake to work on him if his body's as stiff as a slab of Chobham armor. A mare as buff as Big Mac working his muscles over? Yeah, he'll feel it! *crunch*
After such a long absence you can still prove your worth in a great chapter.. Good sir I'm still on this train!
I love small little chapters like this. They're the perfect types of breather moments.
Really well written. You may have been absent, but you definitely stayed in shape.
Wesker just chilling at the spa, he so needs that.
I think what made this chapter so awesome was because Wesker was at a spa instead of being all sciency... not that I remember him being sciency in this story.
It'd been so long since your last update that I barely remembered why I liked this story. And then, I read it, and... I still didn't remember. To make a long story short, critical reflection and time travel don't serve this fanfic well, and I think it's about damn time I gave my two bits on the matter.
This particular chapter, I think, is especially bad, and I can't forgive you on the grounds that you clearly didn't try. Good ol' 48 consists of a self-insert pony (ostensibly Albert Wesker) getting a massage while arguing with one imaginary friend and two real acquaintances about sexuality, meta-physics and things that other characters have done or are doing right now. There are technical writing and formatting errors, weird phrases and archaic, faux-proper speaking styles. The dialogue is bad, the style is unimaginative and boring and the ending makes me want to follow you around and prevent you from moving things. I think that sums up the whole HiE archetype pretty well, but this is your special day today, so I can't just generalize it like that. Today, it's all about you.
The bottom line is: you could do better.
But how good you could do depends on how much of this entire story you want to cannibalize, because, unless you change the vast majority of this materiel, any progress made from here will be laying bricks on a mud foundation.
4381077
Wow tell me how you really feel, sugar. I'll be sure to file your critique in a drawer entitled 'shit that I wish I cared about'.
Jk, I'm sorry you feel that way. I appreciate your opinion and amidst everyone being so nice to me after this (one night wonder) chapter, I was wondering why I'd found it so difficult to motivate myself to write when I had such a receptive audience. You've helped me realise why I have to force myself to pump out chapters nowadays. The occasional arsehole (no offence) just comes along and takes this condescending, dickish tone and tries to thinly veil insults as constructive criticism and I just want to reach through the internet and choke them.
No matter how bad a fic is, and I'd like to think mine isn't the absolute worst out there, I've always stuck to the principle that courtesy should always be at the forefront of any review. Because we're people; even if we do have pictures of cartoon ponies as our profile pictures. I genuinely wish I could be angry about your comments but instead I just feel a very familiar sense of jaded listlessness.
To stick to the tried and tested classics I'll just say: 1) no-one's forcing you to read this story and 2) I would never ever discourage anyone from posting constructive criticism but the tone you decided to take makes you seem like a bit of a cunt with a superiority complex. You may be lovely in reality but that's just the impression I've gotten here.
4381684
You're right, I definitely could have written that better. Made it less arrogant. And given examples. But, I swear, I meant every word!
Anyway, that wasn't veiled as "constructive criticism". That was, quite explicitly, destructive criticism. If you want constructive criticism, here it is: get an editor. And don't bother posting a chapter after spending a single fucking night on it because somebody will inevitably call your bullshit and then the vicious cycle of low morale, low motivation, low quality will just continue.
Let me emphasize this once again: you could do better. You've written better chapters than this, and I think it's been too long since you pushed your limits. A writer shouldn't be "pumping out chapters", writers should be doing new shit all the time. Shit they really do care about. Ideally with a plan and a goal in mind, but the bar is fairly low here.
And, if these are my final words: Read FilmCritHulk's articles about writing, especially Screenwriting 101. I assure you it's good stuff, and much better than anything I've said.
4382243
That's more like it, I can get behind that. Doesn't explain why you felt the need to be such a tool initially when you have the means to deliver actually useful analysis but still...
Also appreciate the next little dig about the bar being fairly low, it's literally like you can't stop yourself. A decent and helpful human being is straining to be heard underneath a crusty outer layer here and I 100% appreciate the intent and content of your criticisms. If not the style in which they were delivered.
Also an aside I put up a pre-beta chapter as soon as I finish it and then replace it with a reworked chapter that goes through two betas so please let me know what you think when it gets replaced.
4382955
4384045
Haha, it's all right. I love you anyway. :')
Perfect summary of Mike Chang.
This is fantastic! You pulled off an otherwise typical "you know what you have to do" conversation with excellent dialogue, with ponies who are barely used by writers, and are even less often fully realized as true characters. It's refreshing, and reassuring, to see that these sorts of moments won't always be performed with Wesker's inner monologue.
(Found this via TVtropes!) It's a good fic, incredibly long, with pleasant characterizations, but it feels like a whole lot of nothing is happening, plot-wise. And.since this is pretty much an abandoned fic, that seems unlikely to change... Which is a shame, since I.don't usually LIKE HiE fics. *sighs* Anyway, it.was.a.good read while it lasted.
I found this story a week ago by searching for Wesker(only two story's showed up).
But how does it figure that the last chapter added has my two favorite ponys in it?
Anyway, love the story, hope it continues and isn't canceled (to many good and rare topic ones are).
Topic rarity: 4.5/5 stars
Grammar: 4.9/5 stars
Length: 3.8/5
Spelling: 5/5
Overall: 9.1/10 (10/10 personally due to Aloe and Lotus)
Rating Reward(s): A (T-)Virus, a (G-)Virus, and a (C-)Virus.
Enjoy your malware! <3
~Eon
4545653 ...I don't think Wesker really qualifies as 'human' anymore....
4796152
Patience, my friend.
4796152
Soon I think, have had this particular chapter in mind for ages but I want to make sure I don't just bang it out in one day and rush it. Out within the next week, I hope.