After Discord's first victory over the Elements of Harmony, he decides to fix the worlds new lack of his kind. He brings a new Draconequus into Equestria, even if he had to bend the rules of dimensionary travel. He brings the new knocked out being which was knocked out in their world. After turning this person into a Draconequus will he survive even after Discord is turned to stone leaving him alone with only a case and a guide book?
Groups
-
62w, 6dFollowers of Discord
Comments ( 202 )
Besides the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, seems okay. You should lose the center alignment in my opinion.
I believe the term 'look before you leap' would come into affect here. Keep up the good work ![]()
Except for some grammar problems, this was good. I'm going to track and see where this goes.
Ahem.
My good sir, i believe i have found the proper way to express my feelings about this story.
Funny thing is, my sister and I are working on a story with the exact same title over on Fanfiction.net. Our stories are obviously significantly different, though.
"He could just reach into a parallel world to grab some kind of female version of himself, but he had done that over two thousand years ago."
You should try to get a pre-reader. There are quite a few spelling errors in this story.
Besides that I did enjoy reading it. It's something delishiously chaotic.
I would watch your face again, Angel was not named for his attitude and actions.
STOP! HAMMER TIME! Not sure I like crazy agressive Pinkie, but as long as she calms down it should be fine. He meets the CMC next this will be funny.
Yes, show a pony who is obiusly uncomfertable around u a book that just might save u from a rotting dungeon
>>JakeDrake
Is it my crazy imagination, or did Pinkie just pull the POW Hammer on him?![]()
When Pinkie pulled out that giant hammer, I suddenly got a mental image of Amy from the Sonic series with her hammer.
And then the CMC is either going to start screaming calling the attention of AJ or Big Mac to the Clubhouse, or they will go the route of Cutie Mark Crusaders Discord Catchers.... I think the first will happen...
He'll be fine. Physical contact with Rainbow Dash allows someone to withstand things that would utterly destroy other, less awesome beings.
Science says so.
FRIKKIN AWESOME! This is gettin MAJORLY Epic!.......I'm gonna reread it.
And now, a word from our sponsors.
Discord: Doctor! This is Chaos!
Doctor: No...This..IS.....ALLONS-Y!!!
Oh dear. That's quite a bit to dump on some poor ex-human at one time. I wonder if he can handle it, or if he'll screw up everything horribly?
...I'll get the popcorn. ![]()
A few things...
First- The image in my head of Luna in PJ's is so much D'AWWWW
Second- Mention of Doctor Whooves being the Spirit of Time is badass
Third- Trollestia strikes again ![]()
Over all, this chapter was full of Rainbow Dash AWESOME
And a prediction for what will happen... Now that Discord is no longer the Spirit of Chaos, he can now use the Element of Chaos and come back and a LOT of shit will hit the fan.![]()
You have been knocked out. Continue? 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1 You have chosen to continue in: Godmode. That is what Jake just experienced.![]()
When in doubt, immortal it out. Cause that way, you can do what you want as long as you don't mess with Tia. Bad things happen. ![]()
Another good chapter. I was happy that you gave a history on how the Draconequus race diminished to how it is today! Explaining a possibility for why Doctor Whooves is able to do what he does was briliant! I could learn a thing or two from reading your stories. ![]()
If The Spirits of Equestria are immortal, and the Mane 6 are the Spirits of the Elements of Harmony, does that make them immortal too?
Keep it up: another great chapter.
Read this with "The Return of Harmony" playing in the background. In fact, I read the part in which Discord showed Jake (it is Jake, right?) the Mane 6 sealing him back into stone while they were doing the same thing in the episode. What Timing.
It feels weird, reading this.
At first, Celestia says that he is the new spirit of chaos. And that he needs to learn his powers and what not. And that if he gets his powers taken from him, he would turn to dust.
But then later she says they'll look for a way home for him? Why? That doesn't even begin to make sense, since celestia wants him to stay there and be the spirit of chaos.
It's very confusing T_T
Hrmm... Just got to this story today, and would like to offer some constructive criticism:
First: your grammar has improved since the first chapter, but there are still some rather significant problems. For example: "You knew I was going to land here...And that I didn't know I thought I'd die...didn't you?" He did not know that he thought he would die? I think the meaning would come across better written as: "You knew I was going to land here...And that I didn't, and thought I'd die...didn't you?" A proofreader could help you with this - and cut down the amount of time you spend looking for grammatical errors and let you concentrate on simply writing your story.
Second: It's very hard to track what is happening through the dialog. I had to read through a couple of times before I caught the moment that Pinkie left the room. Speaking of which - where is this happening at the beginning of the chapter? All we know is that there are wooden floors, a door, and a balcony. Take a little time to tell us about the environment that these things are taking place in.
Third: I'm having trouble understanding your characters. Everything is action/reaction. What is going on through the characters heads? I don't get Jake at all. So far the only thing that has fazed him was a death threat from Celestia. If that's his character then that's his character, but I see the same lack of depth to all your characters. They feel less like individuals and more like props to your story. Take some time to get into each characters head and understand their motivations, then show us what they are feeling with some more descriptive language. For example this line:
"Wow...That's...kind of hard to take in," He said leaning on the edge, "I mean...Stuck in a castle...Learning to control my powers...watching the world around me change...Not even in my own world."
There's so much more you can do with this, This is where it looks like it finally starting to hit Jake that he's stuck with a new life that he knows nothing about. You can show what he's feeling through references to his posture (There are many ways to lean... He could slump, prop an elbow, be stiff, be casual, etc...) or you can refer to his tone of voice (He can speak softly, wonderingly, faintly, in a whisper, angrily, sadly...). Where is he looking, or NOT looking. Is he staring off into space, avoiding looking at Celestia, staring at her? This could be the point in the story where Jake's world crashes around him, or reforms into something better. Instead it's just another line of dialog.
I'd like to say that despite my criticism, I really do like the story. You have a great plot going and I'd like to see where this goes as your storytelling skills develop.
I have to say thank you for all your complaints really. My first Chapters were done without a proof-reader and I have one though he is offline for a while. Thank you for your view and I'll try to be more descriptive in my next chapter. Thank you all and if you have anything else I should watch out for, please let me know. ![]()
..... That explains everything!
Also, contrats. You made the featured box.
Eeyup. I like daddy discord, a fan of the song itself and the story, plus Screwball is the PERFECT pony to help Discord out. But She won't be the only one. Just wait...you'll learn why a certain Bug hadn't been seen before.![]()
You won't believe how happy I am. First time people have liked my story this much.
I'm sorry, but if you need a proofreader, I'd be happy to help. (spelling and grammar mistakes bother me)![]()
Soooo, I see that Queen Chrysalis may be coming into the story. Only logical character I could think of that has a swarm.![]()
“What have I done to deserve this?” you make it sound like a bad thing ![]()
This sir is beautiful
No words to describe should have sent a poet
wow... he can take a beating... broken spine in the morning, please, vbroken neck from falling down the stairs, please.!
Best Discord fic and HiE! How long will thus go for? I hope a long time! I like Discord fics (mostly ones where he's not super dark and evil) and this is my favorite because I oh so wanted a human to become a draconquues!
How long will this go on for? I never...well really though about that.
I just will most likely let it run it's course. But I do have a sort of...idea of the future things.
Little things will be dark but not very dark.
Best hint of it can be...Discord being the Fairy Godmother in Shrek.
Wait...maybe that's too much a hint...eh what ever. Glad you enjoy it.







69




