After Twilight messed up on one of her spells, it turned pinkie pie back into a baby pony. And while Twilight finds a way to reverse the spell guess who gets to baby sit the itty-bitty liddle-widdle twinkie-pinkie. you guessed it right it's Fluttershy.
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The picture alone gave me diabetes
I'm sorry but this needs a lot of work.
Large sections are too compact and lacking any detail. In some instances, what feels like several chapters worth of storytelling has been condensed into just one or two paragraphs.
More important is the dialogue. You need to separate individual character lines and express how they are speaking, not just inject lines where ever they're needed. Right now it’s difficult to tell who is speaking, never mind what their motivations or emotions are. Try thinking about the scene in which events are taking place; how do characters interact with it and does this affect their reactions?
There is a skeleton here for an adorable story, but you’re going to need to put a lot more meat on the bones to pull it off.
My advice would be to take this to the writers training grounds on ponychan, get someone to pre-read / bullet point the issues you need to look at and then follow their tutorlage careful.
Hope this turns out well in the end, there’s potential here.
Good luck
522507 well thanks for the advice, i just only have one question. How in the hay am i supposed to contact any prereaders from ponychan? im just asking cause i never went to that website
Is this the version of "Pattycakes" that does not make me want to barf? Because it appears so.
The only difference between the two fics main ideas.
In "Pattycakes" Fluttershy was doing it to feed a freaking disgusting fetish
In this, she is doing it out of the good of her heart
523297 that is correct my good sir
523153 No worries hun
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/
Nip on to this link, have a look at the top post for 'reveiw threads', pick one and post up your request with a link to the story.
You'll probably need to write a short blurb and basic tags so that the readers know what they're dealing with. Mention anything you personaly want to improve on too, that'll give them some direction in their advice.
Good luck!
522493 I don't think anyone was spared diabetes... Now where's that insulin.
This was cute but it needs to fixed up and if possible expanded.
And the 'Zebra Stole My Bike' thing while a funny reference to the Punch Out meme 'Nigga Stole My Bike' had no connection to the plot, so why was it in there?
525306 yeah that's the point. i do not know why i put it there in the first place. i guess it got stuck in my head
I agree with Cherry Rie that this would make for a good story, if a couple of things were imporved.
There are two pieces of advice I'd like to share. First some sentences were simply repetitive, slowing the story down. An example would be:
""Sure, just give me a minute while I go upstairs" Fluttershy replied to Pinkie. Fluttershy then continued flying upstairs to her room as Pinkie Pie started following her. As they made it upstairs ..."
Second I would strongly advise you to use a thesaurus. For instance, you keep using the word "say" over and over again, when there are several words you could use, that would add some additional meaning.
I hope that you manage to improve the story to everyone's and also your own liking.
526151 ok just so i understand
1. how repetitive are we talking about
2. why would you want me to use a dinosaur if it's extinct
3. what i said in 2... i was just kidding with you, i know what a thesaurus is. i was just pulling your leg
526333 What I mean by repetition is the example I provided could be reduced to:
""Sure, just give me a minute while I go upstairs" Fluttershy replied to Pinkie. As Pinkie Pie started following her..."
basically providing the same information, without the use of the phrase "going upstairs" three times.
It at least happened once more in the story:
"Of course the glow means she is concentrating the age reversal spell on an old flower pot. "Um Spike" Fluttershy said "why is she practicing the spell on an old flowerpot?""
Telling the reader that Twilight was practicing on an old flower pot was unnecessary, since you provided this piece of information through dialogue just a single sentence later.
It might have been funny if the 'Zebra Stole My Bike' actually eneded up at Zecroa's. And it might have been intresting to see what Rarity and Applejack would have thought of three month old Pinkie Pie.
I laughed and I loved fluttershy as pinkie's caretaker. Though it felt a lil rushed around the middle of the story. Overall I enjoyed it.
523297 you can go fuck yourself
What do you care
526333 [why would you want me to use a dinosaur if it's extinct]