Anniversaries are something all ponies celebrate, whether with dinners, parties, or just a quiet day at home. For a certain pegasus, they are something to be celebrated in a more complicated manner...
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Aug 14th, 2015
ugugg93
I'm a random guy that claims to know how to write. I'm constantly being proven wrong.
ugugg93
Joined 7th Dec, 2011 ·
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*sees SAD tag*
encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcToV0_mneTrN54WnNcyLRxDs4wMHa9oU5Fb-DSVFuSUm30RdH1k5g
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
I... I was going to have a good day.
Thanks.
Very well done though, worth the 'thumbs'.
...Something about this story just doesn't click very well with me.
It's not that it's bad; the writing is reasonable, and it definitely portrays the emotion, however bits and pieces felt redundant, less-than-necessary, or were even just hard to follow, and whether it was your intention or not I noticed the tense switched a lot (not in the dialogue portions, but in the story itself).
It also uses one rather large cliché that I've never very well fancied, so although I did my best to look past that, keep in mind I'm saying this with a bit of personal preference mixed in with the plain facts.
The style of writing, I think, is good. Not the most unique out there, but not at all bad because of that, however as I said I would keep an eye on whether you're in past- or present-tense, and keep consistent with that.
Overall...I'd give this a 7, maybe 7.5 out of 10.
However I'm bumping that to an 8 and giving it a thumbs-up because the ending still made me tear up a little.
Not bad...not bad at all. You didn't tell us what's going on; you SHOWED us,and that's a big difference. Nice job,mate.
The only problem that I had with this was that I didn't know it was Rarity until the very end. I couldn't find a clue even during their conversations, although Rarity has a fairly distinctive way of speech. Overall, not that bad.
310197 ...
...
310237 Thanks! Sorry about ruining your day. Grab a chocolate chip muffin! Derpy tells me they make her feel better
310287 Lots of points to comment on. I'll try to make it short! First off, sorry if you felt some things were redundant. I tried (obviously) to not TELL what happened, and tried to just SHOW what happened, and I guess in some parts I missed the bulls-eye. Second, no, the tense changes in the exposition were not intentional, and was just me trying, and failing, to change up the sentences maybe? Not sure if that made sense, but you can tell from my pitiful excuse that it was a mistake on my part. That is something I will make sure to look at better when writing future stories, I promise you that. Third, which cliche do you mean? The whole "kid dies" sort of thing? If so... well...
Even if you say that it is "your personal preference", I still love feedback, and I thank you for your criticism! Makes me feel like I'm getting smarter...
310357 Thank you! Its one of my pet peeves when people just tell me "the sky was blue", instead of painting a picture. Glad I'm not alone!
310687 Even though the point was both of them were supposed to be kinda a mystery (other than race), I hear ya. Thanks for the read and comment!
i thought the unicorn was twilight
But, but, but. . .
Why not twilight?
I'm sorry, I'm one of those ponies. I can't see RD and Rarity getting together. I mean, I probably should've known, what with the HUUUGE diamond rings you gave them, but still. . .
Otherwise, sad story, loved nearly every line. Thanks for sharing
The abstract style of storytelling isn't really my thing but I like the concept. Good story and I can see the quality in it.
Grammar & stuff: 5/5
Writing & stuff: 4/5
Story & stuff: 5/5
Personal enjoyment: 3/5
Overall qualitative review:
Comment: not my style, however the sad tag was nice and appropriate and I like slightly sadder stories sometimes. The abstract storytelling style suited the story but wasn't really a thing I enjoy reading, however to each their own. Ignoring the fact that I didn't particularly enjoy the style of narration, I can see that you have talent and that you're a good writer.
310748
I'm not entirely sure what I meant by redundancy, to be honest...that was more of a "best word I could find" thing.
As for the cliché, I meant more the "magic lets two mares have a foal" thing, I was just trying to keep from spoiling things for ponies who read comments before stories. Maybe not really as commonly used as I seem to recall, but it's a rather old one either way.
Even with a few weak points, it's still a good story, I just have OCD about a lot of things (being raised by two editors and spending most of my time reading as a kid) that tend to show up when I read fics.
311200>>311213 To be honest, I did start with Twilight, and not Rarity. However, three quarters of the way through writing it (I seriously had gotten to the dialogue part), I realized that Twilight WOULDN'T do anything that I wanted her to do. She would either embrace Rainbow, and the two of them would pick up the pieces, and move on; or she would let Rainbow go, and separate with her (via divorce) for good. Whether or not the two remained friends didn't matter to me. Rarity, on the other hand, she would do what I wanted her to do, which was "ride the fence" so to speak. Like it is said in the story, she still loves Rainbow and wants to be with her (as not divorcing her kinda shows), but at the same time, can't stand to be around her (because of the memories it brings up).
TL:DNR: Rarity fit what I wanted her to do more than Twilight, so that's why I picked her.
312467 I am actually very excited that even if it isn't your style, you still gave me a good review! And of course, thanks for reading!
313368 I'll be honest, I thought long and hard about it, and I was originally going to go with an adoption, but I decided towards the Magic Pregnancy direction all because of the final flashback. So instead, I decided that making it really really damn hard to do (Celestia was NEEDED to do it). Yes, I went for the cliche, AND I REGRET NOTHING!!!
310357
Agreed, too bad the stars are gone, there would have been 5. Great story, though
Thought it was fluttershy honestly how was it rainbow, I mean come on, but no the less.
Dancing Sky taken before her time,
Given to this world by love and kindness,
Taken to pursue the stars now,
But still the parents visit the grave,
For longed faces tell the tale,
Of how their love died with their child,
How sad that it did,
But it has and so they visit every year to once again say their goodbyes,
To the one who brought them happiness and with her death strive,
So they say their goodbyes and they will meet next year,
once again to say their goodbyes.
Beautifully written. But Sweet Celestia, that was sad! Intended effect: definitely achieved. I figured it was Rainbow before the end, but Rarity threw me for a loop. Looking at your comments, I totally understand why you chose her. And good job for keeping me guessing on who the two actually were! Definitely one of my favorites.
awesome fanfic. very emontional. (rarity, how could you???)
I actually did a read of it! the thumbnail got all messed up though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmnATRt3VNs&feature=plcp&context=C431e372VDvjVQa1PpcFOTgkayuevP3bKWAPP7Qx65kYyjFSZwQWM=
Woah, I just noticed that this story has a few more comments. Might as well reply to them!
313985 A simple upvote, and maybe a sizable monetary donation would be enough
333004 It was Rainbow because I wanted it to be! But in all seriousness, the reason I picked Rainbow over Fluttershy was how each of them would react. While Rainbow would be broken by the traumatic event, I could see something like this completely shattering Fluttershy to the point where she couldn't handle not only visiting Rarity every year, but visiting the grave. She'd probably become a huge recluse, and refuse to leave her cottage.
Oh, and the poem is cute
377332 I'm glad I hit every goal I intended with the story for you! And thanks for the positive review!
441342 ... Woah... I'm honestly flattered beyond belief. Sweet merciful Celestia that's awesome! May I make a single request that you link the story in the description or something? I know you say my name and such on it, but a link would be appreciated
I love you all
443102
It is done!!!!
I kind of had a hard time following it right up until the end... It was a bit too meandering for what I'm used to. The ending, though, was superb. So overall, great job.
Small mistake, there. I think there was also another one towards the beginning but my eyes are failing me.
Nice one-shot, by the way.
313464
That notion rings false to me. Rarity not being generous enough to let Rainbow Dash go? I doubt it.
I can see how sentimentalist like Rarity could get caught in the "brings up too many painful memories" kind of trapping, but I don`t see her being greedy and cruel enough to keep Dash to herself being fully cognizant she can not stand to be around Dash no more. A year or two may sound reasonable enough as a "timeout" period to dull the pain of memories. Fifteen years? Way too much. At this junction, Rarity would realize that if she still loves Dash, she needs to let her go.
Not to mention that other four would arrive to that conclusion as well - and knowing them, they would not stand aside. I`ve half-expected Applejack to pull Rarity away for a second and say something to the tune - "Don`cha think Dash gave ya plenty enough? Either be her wife good and proper or let her go."
1509054
I think that's kind of a black-and-white way of looking at things that doesn't really make much sense. The loss of a child is a powerful blow to most creatures that rear and care for their young; not only in humans, but also in baser animals as well. Do many people eventually come to terms with what they've lost? Sure. But just the same, others don't - their psyche's are broken to the point where they can't.
Besides, personally, I don't see Twilight, AJ, Pinkie, and Fluttershy really having any great impact in this manner. RD and Rarity aren't just friends, and this isn't just a friendship problem; if the girls are really mature, they might voice their opinions but they'd also realize they have no choice in the matter. The only ones who can really say or do anything about it are those involved - and only two ponies are involved in this.
As far as your specific example regarding Applejack, I can see why she wouldn't have gotten involved. Throughout he series, it has been demonstrated that she is more conservative than the other five; she and her family continue to hold on to traditions that can be traced all the way back to the settlers who founded Ponyville itself. I can easily see those conservative viewpoints lending themselves to the idea that "what happens between a mare and her wife is nobody's business."
1859084
A few years is time enough to figure out if something is broken. Two, three, ok maybe even five. But not fifteen. At this point, it is far beyond broken, it`s outright clinical.
Besides, you kind of missed my point. Do you really think that Rarity would not be generous enough to let Dash go, if she were cognizant of the fact she can`t resume their relationship? What kind of justification Rarity would have for herself for being so greedy?
And yes, I can vividly see Applejack saying this - and not on fifteenth year either. I can just as vividly see Twilight doubting the possibility of prolonging this kind of thing without permanent damage to everyone involved. As well as Fluttershy simply begging Rarity to show Dash some kindness. Let`s not even touch Pinkie Pie`s reaction - it would be... horrific.
1859084>>1860546
It's been a long time since I wrote this, and when I did, I was not nearly as skilled as I am now. However, I'll try to say what I felt when I made it (keep in mind that my memory is sketchy).
Rainbow: She's the most straightforward. She still loves Rarity, and is completely loyal to her. While this is normally a great thing, in this case, it is a HUGE flaw with her, for while she will never leave Rarity, that is also what she NEEDS to do right now. If Rarity were to break up with her, then Rainbow would accept it. However, because Rainbow both feels loyalty towards her wife, as well as responsibility for their daughter's death, she will never be the one to break up with Rarity. Also, I see Rainbow not actually living in Ponyville anymore—too many memories.
Applejack: She's a little more awkward. I'll be honest when I say that I never thought about what she might think of the two when I wrote it (her scene was more to show "hey, this has been happening for a while, and it's pretty common knowledge"), but I'll give it a go. I bet you money that she has tried, and tried many times, to help them. She tried to get the two together again, she tried to get them to love each other again, and even tried to get them to realize that it was all over, and to separate. However, every time she tried, she was met with a wall. Rarity wouldn't break up with Rainbow, and Rainbow wouldn't break up with Rarity. Eventually, after years and years of trying, she simply "gave up".
Before you say this wouldn't happen, imagine your two best friends in a relationship together, and it is not going well. Not fighting or anything, but just neither are happy. Sure, at first you would try to help them, and eventually you would do anything to make them happy, but imagine trying and failing for FIFTEEN YEARS. At what point do you throw your arms up and say "fuck it, I give up." Hell, I'll be honest, I'd have a hard time being friends with them at that point.
Twilight, Pinkie, and Fluttershy: Probably the same as Applejack, but none of them nearly as much. If anything, Fluttershy would be the one to try the hardest of these three, but she wouldn't be as persistent as Applejack would be. Twilight would try hard, but would never know what to say. Pinkie would be no help at all, for she would either try to cheer them up in any way, or be even sadder than the two. Don't get me wrong, these three would try, and try hard to help, but it wouldn't.
Rarity: This is the tough one, but I can see her doing this. When I say she loves Rainbow, I mean soul-mate love. She loves her to no end, and wants nothing more than to be with her all the time—even now. However, as she says, every time she sees Rainbow, all she sees is her daughter. That's the main problem, and I admit that it is definitely a mental illness. With this, she's caught between a rock and a hard place. She wants so desperately to be with Rainbow—more than anything else in the world—but she CAN'T be with her. So, in her mind, she sees this as a terrible and awful compromise, but a compromise nonetheless.
I hope this clears up a lot of things for you two. If you can't accept those reasons, then we are sadly at an impasse.
1860546 Just wanna make a separate comment just for this question:
Because she is probably mentally ill at this point.
1860596
The thing is, if Applejack could give up on that, she`d give up on Rarity as an entity at exactly the same time as well.
Not to mention that if Rarity were as far gone as to not realize that telling Rainbow to go is the most reasonable thing she can do - she`d most likely attempt to reunite her family in... more physical ways, let`s say.
1860682 Who knows? Maybe Applejack doesn't do more than just acknowledge that Rarity exists when she sees her in person, and that's it. I never touched on that.
And I'm not entirely sure about that last part. Keep in mind that when I say she has a mental illness, she isn't insane. She just has a terrible depression, and yet can't let go to the one thing in her life that is guaranteed: Rainbow Dash.
1861981
I don`t see how that could work. At least, not in the way you want to picture it. Rarity that is unwell enough not to be able to let go of Dash would not be capable of keeping away from her. Those once a year scheduled meetings just don`t work with unwell mind.
Frankly, the only plausible situation for this kind of thing to develop was if Rarity knowingly and consciously blamed Dash for the death of their daughter. But again, I can`t see Rarity being able to hold on to unfounded grudge like that for long, and I doubt very much their friends would permit her to maintain it for this long either.
To put it bluntly, this premise asks me to suspend disbelief by too much.
1862092 Well, then like I said before, we are at an impasse. *shrug*. Sorry I couldn't satisfy!
1860546
I didn't miss your point; I rejected it.
Rarity doesn't NEED a justification to "be greedy." No person does, really. She isn't Generosity Incarnate; she may embody the element of Generosity, but she's still a pony who's as liable to fall into any emotional trap as any other. And so what if it seems, or even IS clinical? Never said that wasn't going to be the case, did I?
1863137
Let me put it this way. I couldn`t imagine myself in Rarity`s place. Doing something so basely egotistic revolts me - and have in mind that this is psychopath saying that. Says something about how deplorable the idea really is, ne?
I sincerely doubt anypony could be capable of that kind of atrocity. Sane or not - it does not matter. Even if they could entertain a notion, I refuse to believe all of their friends would care to go along with it.
1863137>>1865576
Can we just agree to disagree? We aren't going to convince each other, no matter what we say.