14 - The Last Safe Place
* * *
Contraptionology!
by Jeffrey C. Wells
(with gratitude to the pre-reading powers of Akela Stronghoof and S.R. Foxley)
* * *
Part Fourteen: The Last Safe Place
"...and so we all thought sure we was gonna get our Cutie Marks in animal-wrangling, after today!" said my little sister, whose mind always tended to wander off to predictable topics. Can't complain. I weren't much different at my age.
"It wasn't easy," chimed in Scootaloo, trotting alongside us. "Do you know how many pets there are in Ponyville?"
"A plethora," said Sweetie Belle. "A plethora of pony pets. Plus their paraphernalia. And then there was Fluttershy's menagerie, all your farm animals, Applejack..."
"Sweetie Belle fell in the pig mud," volunteered Scootaloo.
"Because you bumped me," said Sweetie Belle, shooting Scootaloo a nasty glare. "I was trying to pay attention to where the chickens were going and you bumped me into the mud! I guess I should have been watching the giant orange chicken behind me a little closer."
"I'm not a giant orange chicken!"
"Yeah!" said Sport Pepper, Bell's little green pegasus cousin, the filly I had to thank for finding my broken ol' body at the base of the bluff a couple hours past. "After all, chickens can fly a little."
Scootaloo now split her glare between Sweetie Belle and Sport Pepper, and was about to bark out something else, before they was all shushed by a deep throat-clearing from Bell, a noise that was positively geological in nature.
"Mis pequeñas ponis," rumbled Bell Pepper. "If Applejack is to be believed, the evil which has gripped our town is the work of Disharmony. Best if you not feed him with your arguing."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders, plus Sport, had the grace to look a little ashamed, kicking dirt and muttering their own variations on a theme of "sorry". Bell gave a stern little snort and turned his attention back to me. "You are certain of this, Applejack, yes? This is the work of the Wolf-son Discord?"
I opened my jaw and was about to snap something sharp at him about presuming to question the bearer of the Element of Honesty on her truthfulness, but a quick glance to the black and ruined jewel at my breast caused my complaint to shrivel in my throat. I shut it again.
Bell scented the air. "Forgive me for asking," said Bell, misunderstanding my delay. "However, it is the teachings of our family that the demon liquor will give you strange humors and put odd pictures in your head, and your friend Pinkie Pie reports that the science which gripped you involved the production of unnaturally potent alcohols."
"Land's sake," I scoffed, finding words again. "Don't tell me y'all subscribe to that 'pink elephants' nonsense. Booze ain't ergot rye or funny mushrooms, Bell. It makes you happy, then it makes you weepy, and then it knocks you on the floor. No dancing animals involved."
"We are told that there is something about spiders," said Bell, pressing on bullheadedly.
"That ain't alcohol neither!" I practically snarled. "The spiders only come when you make the mistake of getting sobered up afterwards!"
"Discord..." said Sweetie Belle in her lilting little voice, blinking innocently as she did.
"Right," I muttered, fixing my eyes on my bandaged forehooves as I walked. "Bell, we can hash out your family's misguided and fundamentally wrong ideas about alcohol once we've saved Ponyville. T'answer your question, yes. I'm sure of it. Ain't no mistaking that voice."
"Well, shoot!" said Apple Bloom. "Discord! And y'all can't even use the Elements of Harmony on him this time, on account of you breaking yours when you fell!"
"Right," I said, looking again at the dull black gemstone that used to be the Element of Honesty. "When I fell." Much as it had been annoying me before, I now hoped against hope that it'd shudder a little at my bald-faced untruth; no luck. It just, haw haw, lied there, like the dead thing it apparently was.
I squeezed my eyes shut. "Don't matter none, Apple Bloom," I said, trying to forget how completely I might have bucked this whole situation up over a silly little thing that it ain't time to tell y'all about yet. "Apple Family's been driving primeval horrors off this land for generations without no Canterlot wizards nor magic gewgaws to help us. Discord ain't no different."
"Wahoo!" said Apple Bloom. "So what's the plan, big sis?"
I shook my head. "I ain't got the foggiest, Apple Bloom."
"But you always got a plan!"
"Well this time I don't!" I snapped, a mite sharp.
"Oh," said Apple Bloom.
We all walked on in silence for a time, saying nothing, passing our time in sullen admiration of the Peppers' barns.
To be fair, they were a thing worth admiring. These were the famous Plainpony buildings that Twilight and Bell had bonded over back at the hypercube dance, an event which seemed like it was a hundred thousand years gone even though I knew it'd been less than twenty-four hours ago. Huge round things the size of circus pavilions, all of them, casting mighty shadows across the rocky soil of the Ridge. Other than size and general shape, though, there weren't nothing the same between those barns and circus tents. Circus tents are bright and gaudy and necessarily temporary, but the Pepper Family home-barns looked like they'd been built at the Equestrian founding and were fixing to stay there until the last trumpet. They were the warm brown color of earth, and the honest white color of whitewash, and were otherwise lacking in any kind of decoration whatsoever. We ponies usually can't build a thing without slapping a hoofful of hearts or sunny smiles all over it, so to see a home that simply was, a home that strove to be nothing more than a good, solid place to live – and succeeded in every way – was a mite startling. Looking at them felt like a splash of bracing water to the soul. It was the wrong time to say it, but I fell absolutely in love the moment I saw 'em. It made me want to be that strong.
I stretched my sore muscles, letting the upland breezes take some of the sticky lather off my naked shoulders and flanks, and took a big gulp of the spicy, tangy atmosphere around me. The sharp, vibrant smell of pepper plants in full fruit was a little intoxicating, and it made me want to breathe more and deeper each and every time I drew breath. Don't get me wrong, it weren't nothing on apples, but I could see how a girl could get used to land like this.
"Beautiful country," I said, to break the quiet. "It's so still and green up here."
"Yes," said Bell, his head high. "It is our home. And we will defend it to the last, if your people's devil-science comes to us."
"This don't have to be a war, Bell," I said, frowning at how quick he went there. "Nopony wants it that way, not for real. If we can just get rid of that lemon grove, we'll be sitting down together over apple juice together by morning."
"But how are we gonna do that?" said Scootaloo, throwing her hooves wide in protest. "Whenever we tried to get close to it, it made us all science-crazy!"
"Sure is a puzzler," I said, even as Apple Bloom broke into a frantic little shushing gesture at Scootaloo, and I didn't understand why until the little orange filly's words clicked together for me a second later. "Hold on a second," I said. "Whenever you tried to get close to it?"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders glanced back and forth among themselves, looking guilty.
"This would be a good time to tell your sister the story," said Bell, a bit sourly.
Apple Bloom sighed. "Weeellllll," she said, looking up at me, "Once we had rescued all the pets and all the livestock, it's possible that the three of us might've decided we should do something more to save the town, not just its critters."
"And we might possibly have remembered that this whole mess started when Professor Danger came to town," said Sweetie Belle. "And, um, then maybe Scootaloo remembered that the Professor said he had made a camp for himself up on the Ridge, under some lemon trees."
"And there's just the teeniest little possibility that we maybe possibly distracted Bell enough that we were able to sneak away from him," said Scootaloo, tapping the tips of her hooves together while lifting her front half just a bit into the air with a buzz of her wings. "And then we might maybe possibly have gone to check out the Professor's camp for ourselves."
"So," I said, glaring a little at all of them, "there's a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, almost impossible chance that all of that happened."
"Uh, yeah," said Sweetie Belle. "Actually, that's exactly how it went." She gave a short, nervous laugh. "What are the odds, huh?"
"The second we got a look at those lemon trees we knew they were bad news," said Scootaloo, enthusiastic despite herself. "How else could they have survived the forest fire, unless they were magic?"
"So we decided right then and there that we would get rid of them trees once and for all!" cried Apple Bloom.
The other two joined in. "Cutie Mark Crusaders Evil Tree Eradicators Yay!" the three of them shouted, giving each other highhoofs.
"Whoa," said Sport, approvingly. "You girls are total badplots."
"Uh huh yeah wonderful," I said. "I hate to ask this, 'cause I ain't sure I want to know, but what exactly did 'distracting' poor Bell consist of?"
"We said, 'Look! A moose!'" replied Sweetie Belle, all proud.
"I was afraid that perhaps it was a sinister alcohol-fueled science moose," said Bell, darkly. "I tried to find it lest it prove to be a threat. When I turned my attention back to them, they were gone."
"Sounds 'bout like the way things go around these parts," I said, rubbing at my poll with one hoof. "Well, I ain't at all happy with you fillies for leaving the last safe place in an afternoon's ride and throwing yourself back into the thick of things, 'specially when a grown-up was telling you to stay put." I sighed. "That having been said," I continued, "I want to know exactly what you three saw up there."
"Not much," said Sweetie Belle. "We didn't see Discord, if that's what you're asking. Just some lemon trees, way too green to be natural."
"I went to see if I could buck the littlest one over," said Apple Bloom. "But all of a sudden my head got all crazy and I ended up drawing plans for a machine that was absolutely one hundred percent guaranteed to find me my cutie mark, finally!"
"And I ended up trying to build a machine that would help me fly," volunteered Scootaloo.
"And I tried to invent something that would make my big sister Rarity like me more," said Sweetie Belle, her voice tiny and pathetic. "I failed."
"We all failed!" said Apple Bloom. "We started out with a plan, got all distracted, and ended up with nothing!"
"That's what the lemon grove does to you," I said, scratching my chin. "And more depressingly, none of you fillies had even a sip of that punch."
"Honest, we didn't!" said Apple Bloom.
"I know," I said, a mite impatiently. "I'd see the squiggles around your heads if you had." The eye-opening potency of the L.H.C. was slowly fading, but I could still make out the whorls of poisoned lemon light surrounding me, marking me as one of the borderline-Convolved. "I was hoping one of Bell's kin would be able to waltz right up there and pull that foal-of-a-mule grove straight out of the ground, but it looks like you don't need to have drunk the punch for them trees to be able to drive you off. And that was the closest thing I had to a plan, so now I'm out of ideas again."
We reached the end of our long circuit of the Pepper homestead and began to head back in the direction of the infirmary. My muscles were sore, my tendons were burning, and the bandages on my hooves were robbing me of most of my fine motor control, but this little test walk hadn't thrown up any real deal-breakers, and I was chompin' at the bit to get back into the fight. But the world's healthiest body weren't any good at all 'less I had some sort of a direction to point it in. Otherwise, it'd be like biting at wind.
"Somepony needs to take that grove out!" said Sport, suddenly, as if she were reading my thoughts. "If we can't get anywhere near it, maybe we could shoot it with a big bow and arrow or something!" She did a couple aerial flips and mimed archery motions, making little twanging noises as she did so. "We don't have any arrows big enough to knock over a tree, though."
"No," I said, a dim and inconstant glow flickering in the rear of my brain. "But I wager Rarity's giant flower-delivery cannon thing could! If she can pelt Canterlot with boulders, she can sure as shootin' pelt that grove!" I turned to Sweetie Belle. "Sweetie, you been helping your big sis with her Wondrous Lanthorn all day. If we got her away from those controls for long enough, do you think you understand it well enough that you could use it to mess up them trees?"
The little unicorn shrunk back from all the eyes that were suddenly upon her. "...Maybe?" she said, cowering away.
"Sweetie Belle," I said, locking eyes on her, "it's real important we're precise here. I figure whatever we do, we only got one shot at it before the science fair begins and all Tartarus breaks loose. I ain't gonna fight my way into Ponyville and face down your crazier-than-usual sister – who has her hooves on, and let's talk plain here, a giant pony-destroying mass cannon – on the strength of a 'maybe'. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the honest truth."
Fine words from an Element-confirmed liar, I thought to myself. But Sweetie Belle, who still had reason to see ol' Applejack as an authority on the harmonic virtue of honesty, squirmed a little under my gaze. "No," she mumbled, eventually.
"All right then," I said, letting her go. "I wasn't real happy with putting you back in danger anyway, but, desperate times and all. And I ain't gonna try and negotiate with Rarity to do it, 'cause that's a recipe for disaster right there. There's gotta be something we can do that don't involve making deals with a crazypony. Anypony got anything else to bring to the table?"
Nopony spoke. I snorted and walked on, my hooves crunching against the dirt path leading us back to the main holdings.
"I wish we could just burn it down!" said Sweetie Belle, behind me.
"Yeah, I bet," said Apple Bloom, all dry.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm just saying," said Apple Bloom, "that grove is the one thing in all Ponyville you haven't set fire to yet."
"You don't understand!" said Sweetie Belle. "I know it seems funny to not-unicorns, but telekinesis and pyrokinesis really aren't all that different!"
"They even sound kind of the same," agreed Scootaloo. "But if a forest fire wasn't enough to burn down that grove, what would be? We'd need something hot enough to burn something that can't be burned!"
And there it was. Bang. The glow started up in the back forty of my brain again, and this time, it did not waver.
Really? I thought to myself. Was it really going to be this easy, after all my fussing?
"Say that again," I said, dreamily, waving Scootaloo over to me. "I just want to make sure I'm not missing something here."
Scootaloo blinked at me. "All I said is that we'd need something hot enough to burn something that can't be burned," she repeated, trotting up.
"Something like an orichalcum cage," I said, all the bits and pieces clicking into place.
"Huh?" said Apple Bloom.
"Scootaloo, you're a genius."
"No she's not," whispered Sweetie Belle. "She's a chicken."
"No, she's a genius!" I said, wheeling around and looking at all of them, my eyes practically glowing. "That grove is unburnable, but so was Iggy the Salamander's pen, back in Maresachusetts! That didn't stop the little bugger from setting fire to it and escaping!"
"Of course!" said Apple Bloom. "Iggy the Salamander!" Then she screwed her face up. "But it was Iggy who lit the forest fire in the first place, and the lemon grove survived that. So how's he supposed to get hot enough?"
"I reckon Iggy burned down half the Everfree after eating a couple wild peppers he found there," I said. "Them's just natural plants. If we fed him something stronger, something like the pure capsaicin he 'et back in Maresachusetts, I bet he could burn a hole straight through the surface of Equestria!"
"But Professor Danger said there wasn't any more capsaicin," Sport Pepper said, swooping in close. "He said you can only make it using a science lab."
"Don't you get it, Sport?" I said, snatching her out of the air in my bandaged hooves and shaking her around. "We got ourselves a science lab! Mine! Down at the Acres! If your family can give us a bushel of your hottest peppers, I can use my atomic still to whip up something that'll turn Iggy into a full-on fire a' righteousness, see if I can't!"
"This... this could work," said Bell. "Where is this 'Iggy' now?"
"Well," I said, "he's currently living in the basement laboratory of the most powerful and dangerous wizard in Equestria. And that was before she went totally insane, mind."
"Oh," said Bell.
"Plus she lives with a fire-breathing dragon and an about-to-be-activated magical death ro-bot."
"My momentary confidence is rapidly fading, Señorita."
"No, no, this'll still work," I said. "Twi's just a brain in a tank now, can't cast spells on us or anything. Plus, time's running out, and ain't nothing'll make a stupid plan seem smart like a fast-moving deadline."
"This really is not an argument in favor of your plan."
"Dangit, Bell Pepper," I said, snorting, "you got anything better to offer?"
Bell hung his huge, cinderblock-like head. "I confess that I do not, Applejack."
"All righty then," I said. "I'm the leader here again, and I say my plan goes."
"But Applejack," said my little sis, "even if we get Iggy all hot and bothered with nuclear pepper sauce, how are we gonna get him to the grove when we can't get anywhere close to it?"
"That's the crazy part," I said. "We've all been thinking two-dimensional earth pony thoughts here! We gotta step back and think like pegasus ponies for a change."
"Huh?" said Apple Bloom.
Sport Pepper and Scootaloo, our two pegasi-in-residence, got a handle on what I was saying immediately; you could see it all over their faces. Apple Bloom, on the other hoof, needed a trace more explanation. "I'm saying," I said, "we's gonna deliver our flaming salamander using the power of a tried-and-true scientific phenomenon. One that really has stood the test of time."
"That being?"
Me and the pegasi looked at one another.
"Gravity," we said, at once.
* * *
I charged back into the Pepper Family's infirmary, Winona leaping playfully at my hocks and trying to get a face-licking angle. Girl had been all sorts of happy to see me again when Bell finally dragged me up here; I think maybe she sensed in her own doggy way that she'd been about that close to losing me. And heaven knows, I'd have liked to spend some time ruffling her fur and chucking sticks for her to fetch by way of apology for sawing her food bowl in half this morning, but there weren't time. The sun was getting low in the sky, and if we weren't done with my plan by first starlight, we'd have Twilight's ro-bot to contend with, not just Twilight's dragon. Even in his crazy-state, I could deal with Spike easy, but Twi's actual science project was a total unknown, other than that I figured we were in for a whole heap of bad when it finally woke up.
"Dog, out," said the Pepper family's acting physician, an earthy-looking green-and-red aunt of Bell's by name of Poblano, not even looking up from her work. "We are attempting to maintain medical discipline here. Otherwise, welcome back to us, Señorita A.J. How did your walk feel?"
"Fine, miss Poblano," I said, gently shooing Winona out the door. "Ready to take on the world."
"Now, let us not be hasty," said Poblano. "You are a miraculously strong pony, but your great fall may have left your bones with tiny fractures we cannot see or treat at present. Another sharp impact might be, how do we say, catastrophic. You require rest."
"I ain't here to talk about me," I said, waving her off. "How's Rainbow Dash doing?"
"Errgh!" came a familiar hoarse little voice from the other side of a curtain. "Rainbow Dash is fine. The only thing not fine about Rainbow Dash is that she's being forced to stay in this bed!"
Poblano rolled her eyes a little at me and smiled. "She would be much worse if your friend Pinkie Pie had not found her and brought her to me. She was not lucid when she arrived, babbling something about being attacked by a giant metal rabbit."
"I keep telling you!" protested the still-unseen Dash. "The giant metal rabbit was real!"
"It really was," I confirmed. "Where's Pinkie now? I need to talk to her too, wring her for some information about one of her old science projects."
Poblano shook her head and clucked her tongue. "Miss Pie is gone again on her mission," said Poblano. "Off to save whomever she can against the coming firestorm. A startlingly brave little pony, she is."
"Yeah," I muttered. "Pinkie's chock-full of surprises." I shook my head. "Dangit, there's no helping it. We'll just have to go it without her. Rainbow Dash, are you clear for takeoff?"
In a rush of wind and hospital curtains, the blue little rainbow-maned pegasus was before me. "Reporting as ordered, sir!" said Dash, saluting with one hoof.
I winced at the wicked-looking splint on her right hindleg, presumably the thing that had Poblano all worried. "You sure you're fit for duty, airmare?" I said, inspecting it.
"Sure!" she said. "I've got my wings, so I've got everything I need." Dash did a couple prove-it-to-you zips back and forth across the infirmary airspace, clattering some surgical instruments in their little pans as she did.
"Good enough for me," I said.
"It better be good enough for you!" said Dash, hooves akimbo. "Otherwise, your standards are lousy."
"Please, young mares," said Poblano. "You are neither of you in fit condition to go running off!"
"Miss Poblano," I said, earnestly, "We really do appreciate what you've done, stitching us back together and all. And when all this boils over, I sure would like to get my hooves on the recipes for some of them horse liniments you rubbed me down with today, because, boy howdy, that stuff was absolute gold. That all having been said, we just gotta get back in the fight, me and Dash both. Plus your nephew Bell."
Poblano Pepper grunted and nodded. "I suppose you are, how do we say, immobile on this. Very well. Stay close to my nephew, at least. He will keep you safe."
"We're taking Bell, too?" said Dash, looking around. "Where is the big guy?"
"He's gathering the peppers we're gonna need for my master plan."
Rainbow screwed up her face. "Peppers?"
"I'll explain on the way to the Acres."
"Brief little summary, at least?" she said, holding her hooves together in a tiny pinch.
"All right," I said. "How's this: we're gonna use the power of science to make the hottest hot sauce that ever existed. And then we're gonna use it to save the world."
Rainbow nodded, taking this all in.
"Awesome," she said.
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Oh, fuck yes.
I love lines like that, especially when followed by something as simple as "Awesome."
I dub the new hot sauce 'Awesomesauce'
If I remember Spanish class correctly, this should be "Mis ponis pequeñas".
Hrmm...
Twilight needs to be unjarred, or this Twinkie ship shall never set sail.
I'm counting on you Skywriter.
Applejack's pepper will top the Scohville charts.
Seriously. All the charts. That poor salamander...
Also, maybe shoot the Salamander from the generous cannon? Or shoot DASH from the cannon at the speed of light!
Dear god, shoot Dash from the cannon holding the Salamander and, whilst travelling faster than light, she's able to retrieve AJ's Stetson from back in time due to relativity, as to her perspective it's still being sucked up in the same particulate cannon she's in.
Oh wow, great chapter. I was holding out for some more Pinkie in it though; you're such a tease Skywriter.
All in all, this plan sounds completely foalproof. I'm sure nothing at all could possibly go wrong. Absolutely nothing at all.
Oh, and I ran into this song lately http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q5XTBmi68M. While not quite what I'd call "the theme of the fic", it did remind me of Contraptionology. Then you updated just while I was craving more. Skywriter, you're the best.
I now can't stop thinking of my spicy food theme song. And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire...
By the by, I've really been looking forward to the return of Iggy's SQUONK sounds.
1199599
I know only slightly more than jack squat about Spanish, but from my cursory research: while it's true that adjectives typically go subsequent to nouns in Spanish, something called "essential quality" adjectives precede it. If you are referring to the difference between big ponies and little ponies (i.e. contrasting Snails and Macintosh) in the world, you would put the adjective subsequent to the noun to clarify, but something that is implied to be obvious about a noun is placed before it. Inasmuch as "Little Ponies" is for all practical purposes the species of the talking Equestrians we are following, I think it might be appropriate how it is. Any actual native Spanish speakers in the audience who can clarify?
The only comfort to take from this crazy plan is that Twilight the brain may or may not be a threat in the next chapter. Sounds like a quest, off we go!
1199481 It's like Awesome Gaiden, but made of hotsauce!
1201588 If they just got some of the Mexican Insanity Peppers from that one episode of The Simpsons, they'd save alot of time.
As an spanish speaker I can conim that mis pequeñas ponis is the correct form
Greetinds from Mexico
Saludos desde Mexico
by the way sorry if my english isnt very good
1202228
Much obliged for your expertise!
Glad I could help
1200176
Thanks, PBT. I've never heard that track or even that artist before. It actually does rock pretty hard!
1203130
The power to make obscure Asimov references is one of the many benefits of hanging around people who are far more well-read than I am. Also...
1203402
...yeah, actually, all misbehavior aside, they're handling themselves pretty admirably for once! Cutie Mark Crusaders Inexplicable Non-Disaster-Causing Agents Yay!
1199779
Ahh the charts!
I started reading up on those when i read the prequel story
I can honestly say i was suprised to find out it is possible to make a sauce that would literally be deadly spicy.
Not sure you could actually call that a sauce anymore though
1199779
You have a keen grasp of Awesomeness. Dash would be proud and pleased to take part in this plan.
Dear Celestia, I think you just broke my heart.
Aaaaand, now I'm dying from laughter.
I'm going to be honest here, and say that while I would like the day o be saved, I'm a bit on the fence as far as everyone returning to normal. I just think it would be pretty funny if they could save the day but be stuck as contraptionologists. Especially Twilight.
She makes a great brain-in-a-ajar.1205190
The CMC are causing chaos... it's just masked by the much much higher scale chaos the entire town is creating.
And I love the summary you made of their objectives. AWESOME indeed.
Alright! There's a fighting plan! Let's take this orchard down!
1264956
The thing is, since she wasn't even there at Luna's redemption, this whole exchange is a rather bizarre coincidence! Or else it's just, y'know, maybe they've been reading Pinkie's copy of the script.
:sweetiebelleohcomeon: You were doing so well, too...
I think this would have sounded more awesome if she'd finished by saying, "And then we're going to burn Discord to the ground."
Something about making Dash dumber is just so endearing.
8828189
Isn't it, though? She's not really this bad. Sorry for the character assassination, Dash fans. I plead crackfic.