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that was prett cool
Simple and sweet. I like it.
Not to mention I'm a huge fan of haiku(s), so bonus points for you.
nice, great work on making the Haikus.
Short sweet but effective.
Very clever.
It's kind of difficult to figure out who's doing which haiku, though. And shouldn't there be quotes around them?
Somehow while i was reading this numerous Rap Battles swirled in my mind. And some rap battle parodies.
Anyway, this one is a nice little slice with an effort put in the lyrics. Grammar is fine. Stalin likes
It's an interesting idea, to be sure, writing a scene where two characters haiku themselves into admitting their feelings for each other.
The haiku that Twilight and Pinkie exchange don't all follow the pattern of five, seven, and then five syllables. For example, "Don't worry about these things" is seven syllables when it should be five. Perhaps "Don't worry 'bout that" could be a replacement for the line: it's got that bouncy feel of something Pinkie would say.
Which brings me to my other point: this doesn't sound like an exchange between Twilight and Pinkie. Pinkie is speaking far too eloquently: you would never hear her say something like "Sighing, wistfully / At things never done, perhaps / Or words never said" because Pinkie's doesn't use words as descriptive as "wistfully" in conversation or speak in a manner approaching that of the poem. And Twilight's sudden declaration of love, "You’ve more depth in your soul [six syllables when it should be seven] / Than anypony," is too much, too quickly. Twilight is anything but a hopeless romantic. It seems out of character for her to confess her feelings for Pinkie so suddenly and explicitly. They're a scientist and a baker, not two artists. Cuteness and playfulness might be better suited to them than longing and overtures of love.
Clever story.
Well done. Usually I hate haikus but this was entertaining.
I think my favorite line was, "I am not like a magnet."
Haikus are tricky.
They are difficult to write.
You have impressed me.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes, they don't make sense
Refridgerator
This story was good
Was it hard to find the words
To put in the poems?
Mmm, yes... speaking in Haiku... That's it!
You, my good sir or madam, have given me an idea with your interesting story, and I thank you for that.
My review on this:
this gets the highest rating
here's five moustaches
Hey, attention! Sweet!
307868 Thanks! But, I had to google it, but haiku has no term for multiple- so I wrote haiku, not haikus. Sounds wrong, doesn't it? But spell check has the squiggly around it, and spell check never lies.
307983 I don't know whether to put quotes around them, actually... I do know that every haiku switches from Twilight to Pinkie, they never have more than one in a row if that helps.
308148 Hooray for long comments! Thank you for the line suggestions, I sort of
when I saw the ones you pointed out, and I shall edit them forthwith. However, that last part, with Pinkie, was meant to be long in the future- a life with Twilight, the most studious, bookish mare in Equestria, might make you prone to using bigger words. It also comes with age to not be so... bouncy?
And the part about depth- I wasn't trying to make a declaration of love, I was trying to address how some of the fandom finds Pinkie two-dimensional(like some people find Fluttershy 2-D, or Rarity). I may edit that to make it more clear, but I'm not sure how I'd do it...
Thanks anyways! Much appreciated.
308337 Well, I am impressive.
308471 For some of them, not at all. I started with the haiku, sighing wistfully, etc. etc., then I wrote you make me crazy... and I thought, well maybe I could make this into something! It took me around half an hour to do it.
307803>>308328>>308212>>308117>>307977>>307803>>307891 Thank you for the kind words, even if I can't address all of them directly. I love comments, even the short ones that simply compliment the story. I am going to go edit now.
B_C
I just commented! And while writing it, more comments show up!
308569 Part of the reason I wrote this was because of inspiration. I know that feel, bro.
308576 I knew I'd achieve it someday. *Hallelujah*
308580
Curse you spellcheck!
Le edit: Also, great job getting featured! This story's awesomeness must be noticed! *waves banners*
Wow, second short and sweet story I've read in a row. This one, however, has a definite bother for me; It feels like you refer to Twilight as "Orchid" a bit too much for me. Otherwise, great.
308740 I just felt like saying something besides a. Purple or b. Her actual name. Not sure why.
308618 I did a little jump for joy when I noticed it up there. *squee*
squee
.... becomingawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/300-you-sir-awesome.jpg That is all..
My attempt at this
Is pretty pathetic eh?
But this was awesome
~Parajack
308805
I've seen much worse tries
You should have seen the first draft
At least you tried one
308821 Well now..
If I may offer,
I hardly ever do this
So to hear praise, Thanks!
Seriously though, I am coming up with this on the spot.
~Parajack
It's tough to not say
That single word that describes
This story, so...D'AWWW!
308827 As am I, Para
I take a minute to think
And the answer shines
Too many haiku
I really need to stop this
Alas, I cannot
308841
D'aaaawwwwww
This gets a five
for it did something great
a Wonder in my eye
308848 Curse you, for nay I
Can not either, Bellum. Heh
Think I should stop now..
~Parajack
blew my mindi738.photobucket.com/albums/xx27/lexiingram/I%20stole%20gifs%20from%20lauren/Misc/Supernatural/Supernatural-NOOOO.gif very good story brah.
A really cool concept
I loved the Haikus that you made and im pretty sure you managed to keep the syllable rule.
Faved and liked
I was about to reference Alliteration. This was excellent. Ahhh, more wonderful Twinkie.
Dammnit. I was hoping refrigerator would make it into one of Pinkie's haikus. Oh well. Nicely done, mate. Was an interesting way to show the two's attraction to one another.
Seems like is starting to become fanon that this two play word games in their spare time. Romantic realization optional.
GOOD GOOD VERY GOOD I LOVE IT
This story was fun
Haiku are hard to write, but
Limericks are worse.
Great job~!
That’s too kind, Twilight
I am like any other
Just much, much louder
This one made me laugh.
As it was probably mentioned before. Some of the Haiku's failed to stay in form. I thought that this was a sweet short story and I loved every Haiku even if they didn't fit the form.
It failed to fit
I still loved all of it,
A great piece of lit
It's even harder to try rhyming a haiku...just a challenge for you
It could have been worse,
But I am really impressed,
Good job I dare say.
308580 Okay. It is still a very good fic. Interesting to see a conversation - and confession - all in Haiku. xD
309336
There once was a man from Caboo
He rather enjoyed the kazoo
He woke up in bed
With a bump on his head
Yeah, his playing days are though!
(Problem?)
308885
Thank you, but your haiku racks disiprine.
308886
Huh... I wonder if
Could try something new now
Not haiku, for sure...
308899 309098 309331
Thanks dudes.
309233 309140
We're writers. Can't blame us for writing in different ways... it's challenging. Hopefully we'll see more stuff like what I wrote, or Alliteration.
309209
It came very close, trust me. But it got serious like half way through, so I took it out. Next time? Enough people are tracking, anyways...
309481
309435
Thank... you? You're impressed, but you say it could have been worse... I dunno.
309420
Thank you, but if you don't mind, which ones? I'm going to read through again(I edited some another commenter pointed out), though, so they'll be fixed.
Kinda can't imagine
How you wrote an entire
Fic with just haiku(s)
The idea of it
Not original
But pretty clever
Romance in here was
Rushed beyond comprehension
You could drag it out
Characters are not
Living, breathing beings here
More like sockpuppets
Personality?
Have those ever existed?
Certainly not here
Conflict? Not present
Just ponies playing a game
and falling in love
Length could be better
I would love to see much more
You should try harder
Execution, poor
Concept, pretty freakin cool
Three out of five stars
Holy crap on a cracker, this is brilliant.
309582
A comment worth time
To examine, and reflect
I am sorry, sir
I cannot please all
I realize this fact well
Sorry to know, though
'Twas not all haiku
Dialogue, at first, then more
Unplanned, but better
This is no novel
It was not my intention
But I get the idea
True, this is but fluff
But not all life is conflict
It was just a game
I appreciate
Your statements, though they may sting
I will try harder
Even if it was not
All it could have been, I still
Thank you for your time
Friends await a train
They play a game while waiting
Haiku is the game
The game commences
Twilight thinks for a moment
And makes the first move
Her friend a puzzle
She just can not comprehend
Pinkie's unique ways
Pinkie then replies
Words come quickly to her mouth
And an answer born
You see what I do
Pray open your eyes my friend
And see what I am
Surprised at her speed
Twilight is then at a loss
But replies in turn
What am I missing?
Am I not trying enough?
Should I try harder?
Never question how
Pinkie replies to her friend
Simply question why
The game continues
And the words soon come quickly
As the two play on
Twilight is confused
And begs for time to think and
Ponder Pinkie's words
Pinkie could just stop
But she asks her friend Twilight
Can she do the same?
Twilight does, in turn
Say she could also stop, but
Wants to continue
Sadly looking down
Pinkie admits shallowness
This is what she is
Twilight shakes her head
Not shallow; her soul is deep
If you dare to look
Pinkie sadly smiles
She is merely a pony
Same as everyone
Refusing these words
Twilight admits attraction
She finds her unique
Pinkie refutes her
And she denies Twilight's claim
She does not attract
Using gentle words
Twilight then chides Pinkie Pie
Her words misconstrued
Pinkie sees this lie
And she chides Twilight in turn
This is but a game
Twilight admits that
The verse makes it difficult
To say what one means
Pinkie explains it
She understands the game now
And also the rules.
The game they both play:
To show the other love by
Hiding in plain sight
Twilight is perplexed
Why would Pinkie seek Twilight
Just a unicorn?
Pinkie admits she
Doesn't quite understand but
Twilight attracts her.
Asking to confirm;
Looking into Pinkie's eyes
Is all that she needs
The train comes and goes
Twilight and Pinkie ,entranced
Don't notice it leave
And so on that day
A game was played between friends
Merely to pass time
Using words and wit
the two admit their feelings
And so love was found
309603 Thank you, but I insist you look at the comment below...
309619 Holy CRAP! That is frikkin' fantastic! If I may ask, how long did it take you to come up with that? I mean, that just perfectly makes it all come together, even if one or two broke the rule of haiku. Thank you thank you thank you. You rock, woohoo!
If there were a Twilight clapping face, I'd be pasting it here. Writing with verse is not an wasy task, yet you've done it admirably.
Now just one critique: at the beggining, you use phrases that seem more of a script or a play, like "The plights of a mare who lost her ticket come into focus"; "a mother, chasing after her foal through the throngs of equines is evident"; "a stallion turned away from the ticket booth, a downtrodden look on his face turns visible to the naked eye. But it is not close enough, not yet." "Closer, zooming past the point of no return, highlights two mares [...]"
That kind of wording confused me, because after that you go back to regular speech, so it kinda interferes with the perspective.
309641
I'm not gonna lie; over an hour. I think I may have missed a couple syllables. Haiku is a bitch to work with.
309641 They certainly outdid me in terms of compliments, as I can be fairly laconic with praise (that's when I really mean it). But I can certainly give you a more detailed attempt.
I love how you created a narrative of confession, personal growth, and characterisation not present in the show through a haiku dialogue; specifically, the manner in which the insecurities of each were confessed, and countered by the other. The implication, instead of explicit description, of their coming to terms with each others' feelings is an exemplary method of which any author seeking to create such a moment should take note.
Haiku: it is hard.
Some of us are not that smart,
Able to speak thus
And yet, we all try
Because we want to fit in
And make some more friends
So here I do say
Jolly great job, my good sir,
On this good story.
Magical Trevor,
Minstrel of Equestria,
Looks forward to moar!
309619
You dude, HOLY CRAP,
Put the rest of us to shame,
In writing Haiku.
In honor of you,
Most inspirational dude,
I leave this for you:
You are amazing,
And thus Magical Trevor
Tips his hat to you!
309658 I shall edit! *huzzah*
309660 Damn, that's a long time to comment on my little story. I am humbled and very pleased. Thank you
309689 That's awesome... but I wasn't trying to make your comment seem bad in comparison, I was just saying- hey, you think this story is good, look at how this guy took some time and explained it. So awesome
But then your compliment was deep, and used big words, and I like that. So thank you
:309714 I am an inspiration! Of course, I was inspired first by BabySeals, but still! The more haiku, the better. And yeah, that was awesome.
309734
You're very welcome!