Clover the Clever owes all she is in life to the whim of the unicorn princess. Platinum isn't perfect, but Clover has seen first hand the good she can do.
Thanks to my proofreaders: Skeeter the Lurker, Mook Massacre and Flint Sparks.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 18th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen April 17th
LuminoZero
Someone once said I was passive aggressive. I disagree. I am far too impatient for that. I prefer just being normal aggressive. Don't worry about 'maybe' upsetting me, you will know.
LuminoZero
Joined 18th Sep, 2013 ·
Offline
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This was a pleasure to assist with, my friend.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3515565
I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND!
...
Oh wait, yes I am. Sorry! False alarm.
-Lumino
That was nice.
It's rare to see a fic about pre-equestria, and even more so when it resolves around only a single character.
Well done!
3515594
Thank you very much! I am really glad so many people seem to be enjoying this. It makes the time spent on it feel well spent if others enjoy your work.
Thanks again;
-Lumino
Aah, fantastic read!
3515662
Glad you enjoyed it!
-Lumino
This was awesome
3515677
Always nice to hear that your work was enjoyed.
-Lumino
3515683 Of course.
This, I like this.
3515701
Glad to hear it!
-Lumino
A nice story that leaves a fuzzy feeling. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you!
Nicely done indeed. I am glad to see more stories about the founders of Equestria.
3515753
Yay for warm fuzzies!
Glad you enjoyed it;
-Lumino
Not bad. It was a nice tale and there was some interesting ideas backing it. I quite liked it.
My problems with it were some rather dodgy wordings that stem from the intentionally prosey language. There's a point where it stops being whimsical and starts being irritating. But apparently you don't agree with that, so moving on...
I can't really say that the characters really grabbed me that much, but then, the diary entries seemed to be focused more on extrapolating on what happened previously, rather than really developing the characters or relationship, so I guess that's not a big problem. I think the ending could have been built on, too, just to show how these two characters love each other. It was definitely cute, but it didn't really sell it to me, y'know?
But anyway, these are just a few nitpicks in an otherwise solid story. Great work.
Does anyone know where I can find a sexual story of this pairing? Like Twi and Rare's in character for the roles in the picture?
3515828
Called it. RariTwi roleplay, anyone?
Also, great story!
Loved it. It was a great story considering the idea came from the picture.
~RDT
That's it. Time to spam the mods for not featuring this.
...also, was I the only one getting The Princess Bride feels from this story? >_>
3516218
Yeah, after reading that story, the picture just made the entire story come together in my mind. It spawned from the question 'Why is Clover so loyal to Princess Platinum, despite how needy and rude she is shown to be?' I hope the story gave a good answer to the question.
3516230
Hmm, The Princess Bride? Well I didn't see the connection, that is for sure. I'd be curious as to where you saw the parallels, because I assure you it was not intentional.
Thank you both for the reviews;
-Lumino
3516251
Indeed it did. Looking forward to more.
Loved it. It was subtle and in character. I can't find a single fault. The timeline necessary for Platinum to be Sombra's daughter still doesn't make sense to me, but I'll look passed it.
3516458
Ehhh, Wibbly-Wobbly, Timey-Wimey.... <.<
Thanks for your review, I am glad you enjoyed it;
-Lumino
Dude, the feels.
I really liked this story for the warm fuzzies it gave me, as other commenters have said. It's a cute story about a cute pairing that we almost never see, and thus is all the more interesting for its rarity... ahem.
3518103
Nrgh! Puns, my one weakness.
Yeah, as I was writing the story I actually did a little searching on FimFic. Could you believe that this is the first shipping story with the two of them? At least that I saw, I really would have imagined that the fandom would have hit this note by now.
Thanks for the review;
-Lumino
3518110
I have seen it done before
Revisionist History.
However your way is just as good, and it's given me some ideas to work with.
3518128
Glad I have inspired you! Revisionist History was...certainly interesting! The title made me chuckle, and it was an interesting take on it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!
-Lumino
Win!
Platinum as Sombra's daughter is now accepted into my headcanon.
This story was quite sweet, and I liked the implications at the end. Subtle, but not the main focus of the story, just like a little extra information to enrich it.
3519516
Thanks a lot for the review! And yes, that is exactly what I was going for. Dramatic declarations of love can be nice, but usually I prefer something more slow and subtle. After all, love isn't really a change, it is just a new word to apply to those already existing feelings.
An old web comic that helped me develop this view.
ozyandmillie.org/comics/2008-05-30-Ozy-and-Millie.gif
-Lumino
That was some unexpected headcanon. Nice story, though.
Daww!! This was sooo sweet!!
I think I got a toothache, but it was worth it
This doesn't fit my headcannon at all but it was still a sweet story. Also is this your first non-sparity story?
3540576
Glad to hear you enjoyed it! I really had a lot of fun writing it.
3541044
Nope! I also have a ButtonBelle called 'Drama King' as well as a Celestia/Luna fic called 'The Longest Day'. All of my other fics are Sparity, however.
Kind of a one trick pony, I guess. :P
-Lumino
Featured on my page, and now in a group.
tinyurl.com/llaz5ct
The thing that stood out to me the most was an overwhelming sense of "what?" as I read the history being laid out. This story pulls heavily from both the Hearthswarming Eve episode and the Crystal Empire episode. It mingles the two and makes a valiant attempt at doing so. Valiant, but ultimately futile I feel.
Granted, a lot of the history presented in canon is not terribly clear about sequence or exact dates. I won't put my own timeline down and attempt to say this story is wrong for not following it, and instead will focus on some of the key points that stood out as wrong and why.
First, while it isn't explicitly stated in this story, Unicornia is not the Crystal Empire and vice versa. It also wasn't some colony of the Crystal Empire. Princess Platinum wasn't the first monarch of Unicornia, or even it's monarch during the time period of the Hearthswarming story. To support these statements, consider the role of Unicornia in that play. The unicorns were responsible for raising the sun and moon. This role had been established as a long-standing relationship with the other two tribes. Many generations. In order to reconcile that with this story, the raising of the sun and the moon would have had to have been done prior to Platinum's birth, adulthood, and eventual betrayal of her father. It would have had to have been done by the Crystal Empire, which really doesn't fit with the Hearthswarming story in any easy to grasp way. Furthermore, why would Sombra, having enslaved all his own people, adopt a trade relationship with the earth ponies? He'd just enslave them, or make his slaves grow food. He certainly wouldn't leave the option of starving open. If control of the sun and moon where under his domain how/why did he let that perk slip away with his daughter? I remain open to the idea that somehow this works in this story, but it isn't explained and remains a source of confusion.
What we know of the Crystal Empire is that it is populated by a fourth tribe of ponies, the crystal ponies. While Sombra himself is a unicorn and it is not unreasonable to think he had an heir/family, it does seem rather odd that no unicorns are present at all in the Crystal Empire in the show; the idea that all the unicorns (except Sombra himself) and no crystal ponies made the exodus with Platinum to found Unicornia is itself really strange. Again, I remain open to an answer to this, but the story provides none.
The worldbuilding side of the story is found to be somewhat lacking. On the plus side, the presentation of Starswirl, Sombra, and Clover is fairly believable if we can accept the setting. I can imagine an uneasy truce between two powerful unicorns like Sombra and Starswirl existing. Other little details like sighting the, at the time unknown, alicorn sisters prior to the founding of Equestria could explain the flag used.
The main focus of the story, as implied by the title, is the romance side however. I feel that the worldbuilding side of things is poorly executed in this context. The attempt is clearly made to try and present the personality of Clover and Platinum. Instead of giving us scenes with them interacting with each other and letting the story show us this relationship as it develops, the journal-entry and history lesson narration of the story renders this romance distant and heartless. In this it doesn't really matter how good, smooth, believable, or coherent the history is, the method of storytelling used to convey this romance story is hamstrung by the fact that we're essentially reading about it in a historical record.
Since the story is primarily told from Clover's perspective, we get a decent level of insight as to her side of the story, and her personality. Despite this, it fails to be really distinct. It is still too easy to just imagine Twilight's face from the play, imagine her voice, and see some slight variations to it. Again, this is mostly due to the journal-style presentation and an abundance of historical facts rather than actual scenes of her interacting. It is her telling about herself to a book rather than her being herself in front of us.
Platinum is even more bland.
In the end, the romance itself is treated in a more philosophical manner. It is presented just as another historical fact, dictated to us take it or leave it. While I don't ascribe to the "rule" of "show don't tell" as something that must be obeyed as if it were on par with capitalization rules of grammar, this entire story is basically an example of why that rule is ever a good idea.
The underlying premise of different sorts of love, including the love of a slave/former slave for her master is lost in the abysmal execution. It would be interesting to explore the psychology behind that relationship were it presented in some meaningful way. Instead we have a bunch of words thrown together that simply tell us some ponies had that sort of relationship, oh and some history things happened too.
I won't call this a waste of time to read. If nothing else it serves as a great example of how to write a story that on the surface appears decently well written. The premise alone of reconciling some disparate canon history probably resonates with some readers. While on the surface it appears decently written, it falls apart under closer inspection and it ends up being a really poor piece of work. Perhaps someone will be inspired by some of the elements presented here and actually tell a real story.
3985080
I had to read through your comment a few times, just to be certain I wasn't reacting to the wrong part of it. While you make many valid points in your critique, I cannot help but feel that your execution was just as flawed as my own, if not more.
Your review had a few thoughts of value inside of it, I won't deny this. This story had a good deal of holes and issues that cannot easily be reconciled with the canon. If I may, however, how accurate is a Thanksgiving play to what happened in history? Take the Hearthswarming Eve story with a grain of salt. I didn't want to delve so deeply into the history because that wasn't the point of the story. I was trying to explore the other kinds of emotional ties that can bind people other than just pure romantic love.
It was downplayed for most of the story, certainly, but that is because the romance was never really the big part. Hence why it is only really mentioned in the last few lines of the story. It is the implied connection between the characters that I find makes it enjoyable, and I found leaving it vague and undefined was more appropriate for what I was aiming for.
Now then, if you disagree with that, that is perfectly fine. I have no objection to anyone liking or disliking my works for whatever reason they desire. What I do take issue with is you insulting my works, as you did in the end of your review.
If you don't like it, fine. Say so, explain why, and move on. I, and most other sensible authors here, will not take kindly to the last two paragraphs of your comment.
I'm sorry you feel like this story was a waste of your valuable time, but perhaps your time would be better spent not sitting on your throne and casting down judgment.
-Lumino
This is an interesting headcanon, I don't personally see the unicorn tribes splitting off from the Crystal Empire but that's just me. I personally love the narration style and it supports very well the transition from pure devotion to actual affection and love.
There's a tag for Clover, Platinum, and Starswirl now. There's also been one for Sombra. I'd suggest adding them because this clearly isn't a story about Rarity or Twilight.
Talking about her like a kid would with a stray cat. I guess it's better than the alternative at least..
Cute story.