Equestria: a place of peace and affinity. All of this changes when a hostile foe comes to the harmless planet. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are in the Everfree Forest, trying more and more tasks to get their Cutie Marks. As they are in the Everfree Forest, they discover an unusual civilization, unlike any other they have seen. What they have found may seem harmless, but it will change the world forever.
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My first fan fiction, not really much to say here. I will try my best to keep the lore as well known to the reader as possible, as it can get confusing at some points.
Chapters (4)
OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man OH man
ok fanboy done with. I have been waiting forever for this crossover and so far after this first part i have HIGH hopes for this. Dont you dare let me down. Also i would love to help you with this whether me being a pre-reader or even give you ideas on what to do with the story (maybe even write some of it? Zerg lore is my Bible). I have played SC 1 and 2 along with BW. Oh man this is gonna be so awesome.
*squee*
Seriously dude your amazing on describing Zerg. My offer (begging?) stands. I would love to help you out with this. Also I think I caught a typo.
"The forest looked no different than any of the other times Applebloom had come to the Everfree Forest; dark, populated with trees, and on any other day absent of the terrible odarn."
Its near the very top of your story.
O
M
G
I was waiting forever for this kind of cross-over.
I worship you and your amazing detaiL!
img.ponibooru.org/_images/8c284f83c8c9804a01e0ecd612b458fc/147291%20-%20animated%20dis_gon_be_good%20FAIC%20macro%20pinkie_pie.gif
313005
Agreed
Thanks for all of the positive feedback!
As for pre-readers, I already have a few friends helping me edit / giving me tips for the upcoming chapters, but I will be looking for pre-readers very soon, don't you worry
The recent chapter is most likely not as good as the first two, as I was planning on releasing them on a 1 chapter/day schedule.
Since I have so many things to juggle (school, friends, working on other things), I will do 1 chapter every other day, so it will be more quality/quantity rather than rushed.
Also, expect chapter 2 to be changed sometime tomorrow, as I still need to proof-read some parts.
Dude, if this is your version of 'Good' then I simply can wait to find out what your best work looks like. I loved this chapter and so far the ONLY complaint i have is that this chapter is to short.
Actually i do have one question. When the Drones first spotted to ponies why did they go into the building? I think you should have had them burrow underground. Also I think you could have made the attack from the Spine Crawler more dramatic (and make it more informative) if you said...
"The structure had been created in great speed, forming a tentacle with a sharp tip. It was most likely used for emergency defense.
Before the group could think, the tentacle stretched out and impaled the ground leaving a deep hole from its sharp pointed end. The attack was directed to Applebloom but she was immediately pushed back by Zecora. After a set of screams, Zecora responded quickly"
By doing this you show the readers how the Spine Crawler attacks. Someone new to this Crossover could think that it attacks by swiping when it actually attacks by poking. You also forgot to mention anything about the horrible smell. I am not trying to nit-pick you for the smallest things but you mentioned the smell a lot in the first two chapters only to leave it out completely in this one. And last but not least I cant wait for you to show us what Zecora can do and good luck with trying to figure out rhymes for her! (i noticed you cut her off when she was talking because there was no way you could come up with a word that rhymes with 'explain' and have something to do with the scene)
>> Dezmo
Thanks for the compliments, but yeah, I completely agree with the chapters being too short. For now, expect a Chapter 2 overhaul (because I was going to do is sooner or later), as well as a few more settings. Also, since I will be uploading every other day now, chapters will be much longer and have more quality.
Also, thanks again for the criticism, I greatly need it. The way you had rephrased it sounds much better than how I'd just left it like that (hell, it actually sounds a lot better), I'll be explaining most of the stuff (aside from the spine crawler's build, which I needed to explain during the chapter) later on in the story, which I haven't fully constructed, so the ending isn't exactly clear yet, as plans constantly change.
P.S. I also completely forgot to instruct Zecora's rhyme scheme, as I was way too consumed in the story at the time
Hey, isn't that acid thing a:
Zerg spawner or something?
A spawning pool! Right? I haven't played that in forever.
I got it right? Right?
JOLLY GOOD SHOW THIS STORY IS, EARNED YOURSELF A WATCH GOOD SIR
But how did Zecora know?!
>> Iambrony
You are right about the spawning pool, as you will know about most of the buildings/units later on in the story
And don't worry, you'll find out about Zecora soon enough
Nice work on this, especially the unit and building descriptions. Keep it up.
Review time!!
So let me get this straight. Zebras are Protoss, Zerg is Zerg, And maybe the Ponies are Terran?
Moving on, you sorta lost me for a moment during this transition..
"Zecora had a dark chuckle, like she had lost some of her sanity,”Far from happiness, my stylish mare friend. It is more like my origin’s end.”
The sky was a dark tinted orange, the ground, aside from all of the rotting corpses, ravaged and destroyed. There was a complete onslaught of Zerg rallying towards the Zebra’s frontal region, which had been repaired numerous times."
It took me a moment to realize that you went into a flashback.
Next thing is about the Flashback's battle scene, You did a good job on describing the Zebras themselves but you kinda left the actual fighting out a lot. here is the only part about the actual fighting or action scene (albeit the ending after the nexus leaves)...
"“We need more frontal defense!”, Zerul had shouted, he was in deep panic. He had scouted the defense;, only several hundred Zebras as opposed to the thousands they had before the attack. “Goddammit! If we can’t hold them off quick enough, we will all be slaughtered in seconds!”
The Zerg army came in large waves; many different mutations had rushed to the front, trying to destroy the fortified wall, which was almost completely destroyed. They ranged from small to large, flying to ground.
Zerul was just about to give up before a few other Zebras had come to aid their lone Commander, ammunition at hoof."
Ok so many problems with this right here, First off i am going to assume i don't know anything about SC. what the hell is going on? Sure i know that the Zerg aliens are attacking Zebras....but with what? And near the end of that part it says a Zebra came with ammunition, well, ammo for what? a gun he carried in his hooves? a mounted turret on his back? Lets see if we can rewrite this so that it is more fun for non-SC people to read and understand (as well as be able to visualize) and for people who do know SC to guess which unit is which.
"“We need more frontal defense!”, Zerul had shouted, he was in deep panic. He had scouted the defense;, only several hundred Zebras as opposed to the thousands they had before the attack. “Goddammit! If we can’t hold them off long enough, we will all be slaughtered in seconds!”
The Zerg army came in large waves; many different mutations had rushed to the front, trying to destroy the fortified wall, which was almost completely destroyed. They ranged from small to large, flying to ground. The small were fast dog like creatures with long claw like appendages sprouting from its back allowing it to tear apart anything it can reach. its running companion was a green glowing blob that resembles a water balloon, it would run up to the wall and detonate itself spraying its green goo all over the wall burning it with its acidic properties. But as powerful as they sounded alone in tiny numbers they would get destroyed so the Zerg fixes that by sending hundreds, if not thousands of the little monsters at a time. Kill and kill as the Zebras might with their weapons the Zerg never stopped, and some believed they could never be stopped. But the hound like creatures and the suicide blobs alone cant take on a wall no matter how many are there so they are reinforced with a tank like creature and a snake one. This tank like creature has plates of harden bone all around it, effectively shielding itself from almost any attack. It would run on four quickly moving legs, not as fast as the hound like ones, and when in range would shoot green goo just like whats is inside the suicide blobs. But as strong as it sounds it has one disadvantage, it cant shoot its goo past three feet in the air, meaning air support or a really high wall prevent its from shooting up. But the Zerg is ready for this and its snake like brother joins the tank. Literally sliding on a tail this snake stands up right like a cobra but instead of just fangs it has claws sprouting from its sides giving it a menacing look. But those claws aren't made for slicing, no its made for throwing. On the back of this snake are spikes as sharp as diamonds made from hundreds of years of evolution on its bones, along with it comes the snake most fascinating ability to regrow its spikes on its back at a very alarming rate. Meaning that while the tank like roach spews its acid on the wall, these snake hydra duo part pulls its spike from its back and hurls it upwards into the sky raining death from below onto the Zebras defending. All of these unique and vastly different abominations together form a formidable opponent as they tear through the ground, and yet the Zerg is not done. For what is an army without its air support? The sky is the Zergs best friend, flying likes bats whose numbers swell in the hundreds are these shrimp like figures with huge wings sprouting out of its back. Whats special about this thing is that it only has a body, and a pair of wings. But what makes the Zebras cower in fear is that at the end of its body is a huge hole, and just like all the other Zerg creatures, it lobs out green goo. But this green goo is different, instead of sticking and burning it instead hops from one surface to the next inflicting minor yet numerous wounds at one go! While one Shrimp like bat can cause many wounds, imagine if they had a group, a flock, an army. When one blob rains from the sky a few get hurt, but when hundreds start to rain down on the Zebras the number of wounds are starting to add up and the constant wounding start to turn fatal.
Zerul watched in morbid awe and fear seeing the Zerg tear through their great wall. A group of Snake hydras spotting him and he quickly took aim down his mounted turret in his bunker and released a hail of metal slugs towards them tearing through their armored skin. He looked down at the ammo box and was greeted by a glowing number of 69 indicating how many bullets were left. Were this on better condition he would have laughed at that number, but instead it only brought back fond memories he shared with the other Zebras on base, telling dirty jokes, talking or bragging about the Mares at home waiting for them. Another small group of three Hydras came close and spotted him. He quickly lied flat down on his face as they released a hail of bone spear spikes in perfect unison and tore through the protective bunkers wall leaving gaping holes with sickly jagged edges showing how strong the spikes are. He couldn't reach the turret lest he get pin cushioned by a ton of spikes so he was just about to give up before a few other Zebras from the back of the lines showed up to come to aid their lone Commander, ammunition at hoof."
Now that is just an idea but seeing as how your going along you probably don't want to show the whole Zerg race yet so i would understand some secrecy. the next thing i wanted to point out was when you were describing the Nexus. You got the alien sci-fi part down but you left out its actual physical form out. You could have described it as a huge pyramid like building with glowing white lights swirling around the tip of it, showing it is powering up for something. Next up is...
“I left them because... because” Zecora was starting to tear up,”Because they are selfish nobodies!” She had already erupted in tears, which had seemed so sudden. It was like a cloud had suddenly come over her head, blocking all of her happy thoughts and replacing them with depressing, sad ones.”They didn’t care about any of the casualties they lost, the Zebras had just did what they had once done before on the unoccupied planet before; Extract the world of it’s resources and kill the animals that had scurried around the surrounding area.”
Yep, no rhyming at all from Zecora. I actually don't blame you if you cant find a way for it to rhyme but dude, as awful and annoying as it is for her to rhyme, its just part of her character. Now i suggest you do something to her that either A .Cures her or prevents her from rhyming, B. (personal favorite) Somehow later on she gets attack by a Zerg unit rendering her a mute and she cant talk anymore or C she simply dies for some cause you can come up with.
Ok, idea time. I want the CMC to be productive in this story, i dont know how or why but the fact they first found the Zerg i feel as if they should be a part of something big. Maybe instead of them actually fighting the Zerg they could spy on them instead? Sweetie Bell could learn some cool spells that help them sneak up at the base while Scoot learns how to fly(hover or just jump really high) and is able to scout from the tops of the trees while Applebloom scouts the ground. They could gather crucial information that later on helps save lives or they could could just study the Zerg looking for weaknesses. (HUGE IDEA) i just thought about this. What if, Sweetie Bell finds a stranded larva on creep far from any of the buildings and tries to 'talk' to it with her magic but ends up effectively mind controlling it causing it to hatch into a (Insert what unit she gets) and it becomes her PET! That would be freaking awesome. Pet Zerg, make it happen. (oh god my face if she gets a pet Ultralisk)
And lastly the queen part was awesome! i can understand why you made it come out of the pool, since it wont makes sense explaining how it came from the hatchery. Also you hinted possible Zerg attack units at the end, i swear if you 6-pool the town I am going to cry.
329674
This is a long explanation.
Are you ever going to give him a break? He kinda deserves one after this seriously fucking long ass explanation about it
>> Dezmo
Thanks again for the review, they never disappoint c:
As for Zecora rhyming, I always, ALWAYS forget to make her rhyme at some points. I'm going to edit the story so hopefully most of her dialogue will fit her character.
As for the spawning pool and the Queen's arrival; I thought it would be more dramatic for her to come from there because it just seems more dramatic (I mean, having a structure create organisms but only to have them come from the ground or cocoons?)
I was looking at some edits for the past sequence, and making it more known to the reader that it actually is a memory from the past. Great job on the edits though, the descriptions were amazing. Don't worry about those for now though, this is coming from Zecora's perspective and what she had the knowledge of when she was (slight spoiler) at her young age. I will be describing most of the Zerg later on (I am only like, 1/20 of the way finished with the story for what I have planned, so there's going to be quiet a bit of explaining the Zerg unit's attributes, just so the reader isn't overwhelmed with constant descriptions [and yes, there will be a role for every Zerg unit, so don't you worry
])
As for the CMC; as much as I don't want to spoil (HNNNNNNNG) some parts, all I will say is I in fact do plan to have them in the "fight". Let's just say they will play a pretty big role in the story, well one will anyways.
>> Iambrony
Don't worry about it. If anything, he is actually helping me. It's criticism I actually need, that way I know what to improve in the future c:
330021
ok in my defense it was 4-5AM in the morning when i wrote that. I was tired but very hyped to see a new chapter. And the only reason i am so hard on him is the same reason parents are so protective. I just love this story so much i want to help him on everything yet no matter what he does ill still enjoy it either way.
330034
As for you, yep i do agree getting the Queen coming from the pool was pretty damn cool. May i also suggest, now that i have had a full nights rest, that you re-word the queen part? You did a great job on describing the Queen no doubt about it, but i think you could have gone just a little step forward. Lets look...
"The Bubbling inside of the pool of acid had stopped just as something emerged from the green liquid,
It was a Queen.
The Queen had a row of large spikes resting on her head, along with a column of scales, one spike on each column. It had two large claws coming from the back sides of it’s head, looking to that of skeleton bone. Her eyes were a glowing yellow, like an inferno burning in her eyes, and two small sets of fangs, and durable skin. Her body was covered in glowing green bubbles, most likely from the pool of acid still having effect on her skin. Finally, her six legs had the same durable bone as her claws; strong as hardened lava and dry as a desert.
She had made an ear busting howl as she had descended from the pool. She rallied herself towards the original structure where she had placed a few eggs inside of the odd building. It was made for birthing larvae; a hatchery."
Now that alone proves how much effort you put into this and i applaud you for it but lets see if we just switch a couple of parts around. We will name the unit after it is described...(My edit)...
"The Bubbling inside of the pool of acid had stopped just as something emerged from the green liquid,
It was a huge creature with six appendages as its legs, using them to pull itself out of the green goo.
The creature had a row of large spikes resting on its head, along with a column of scales, one spike on each column. It had two large claws coming from the back sides of it’s head, looking to that of skeleton bone. The creature's eyes were a glowing yellow, like an inferno burning in its eyes, and two small sets of fangs, and durable skin. Its body was covered in glowing green bubbles, most likely from the pool of acid still having effect on its skin. Finally, its previously mentioned six legs had the same durable bone as its claws; strong as hardened lava and dry as a desert.
The creature made an ear busting howl as it descended from the pool. Nearby other Zerg creatures shied away form this monster, opting on going around it rather than get in its path. The creature from the pool walked around the small Zerg base resulting the fellow Zerg units to follow in awe of the magnificent huge strong beast. It was treated with respect and almost close to worship from the other Zerg. The creature finally made its way to the odd looking building, upon getting to it she placed four glowing cyst from her abdomen onto the building. A few seconds later larvae popped from the cyst only for the creature to put four more on it. The creature was making more larvae, it was helping the Zerg expand its numbers, it was helping the Zerg conquer the planet. The creature let out a horrifying scream that would chill any brave stallion to the bone, but this scream was different. That last scream almost sounded feminine, meaning this creature is a she. She alone can better the Zerg, she alone can cause the Zergs number to swell with her ability to produce larvae at an astonishing rate. She, was the Queen of Zerg.
(That queen part was actually fun to write) Moving on, when ever you get a chance to describe a Zerg unit, try to get your descriptions to instill fear like how i (tried) did with the Queen. Sure she only just spawns larvae but she is the back bone of the army, without her Zerg might as well leave. Remember the strongest ally Zerg has is its ability to instill fear to the other races. Looking back at the battle scene i wrote (Oh man i need to edit it) the main purpose i was trying to achieve was describing the units and then to show how terrible and fearsome they can be.
And just another idea I am looking forward to is when you plan to use the Overseers ability to create a changeling, Should be hilarious or downright creepy, who knows!
330043
Well, I'm a huge fan of the zerg.
Spawning pool, lair, hive, hatchery, roach warren, hydralisk den, all that shit.
Personel favorite is Hydralisk if you ask me.
330351
What would be awesome is describing an Ultralisk or a Leviathan
Ultralisk:
The largest of the 'Zerg', resembling a twisted and misshapen elephant with an extremely thick, exoskeletal carapace; this gargantuan beast instills rightly fears into not only it's enemies, but also it's companions: 2 massive scythe-like blades are seen in symmetry along with 2 other smaller blades below the larger ones next to the head; the blades are cleaved through the air in a motion as if to hug the face, but is instead done to hack down enemies like as wheat falls to a scythe. The powerful muscular contractions allow the massive beast to continually sweep through the air literally every second, making this creature a fearsome siege weapon of war. The thick carapace allows the beast to withstand even the most powerful of blasts, which allows it to charge into enemy lines without fail.
I know, I suck at describing...
330361
I tech to Muta with a few zerglings, banelings and hydralisks.
But in SC1 and SC2 Hydra was my fave unit.
360420
I went Spam HYdralisk, because of their rate of fire and their damage.
You did a good job with describing what they do, just not their looks and appearence.
360811
There isn't that much to describe on the Ultra's appearance, it's an oversized elephant
Exoskeletal monstrosity with a small fucking head?
362036
There is a lot to discribe.
i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk4/Nethretor/Ultralisk.jpg
So yea.
My older brother is writing a story that needs plenty of Discription.
I bet he can do a ultralisk easily.
362042
k, u got me...
Haven't played SC in ages, I forgot what an ultra looks like.
362081
Its cool.
I actual forgot what a roach looks like on Starcraft.
i138.photobucket.com/albums/q271/the_stunicorn/facepalm_implied.jpg
362102
coming out in... April or something.......
I FUCKING LOVE THAT PICTURE,
LOLOLOL...
Really you forgot what a ROACH looks like?
daaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnn.
Props for SC2: Heart of the Swarm
If there are no DTs in this story...let's just say you might want to invest in some detectors for your house...
very good (even though I haven't played the game) I'm looking forward to more
Story so far seems decent, but why did nopony notice that Zecora suddenly stopped speaking in rhyme?
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