- Member Since 11th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 7th, 2022
Berry Punch
Yo yo yo, Berry to the P to the U to the N C H, representing the MLP, what up, biatch?!
Berry Punch
Joined 11th Sep, 2012 ·
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MadHotaru really draw some interresting pic, glad that someone managed to make a fic with this one, it's a decent one-shot.
Duuuuuuude. Cool.
Zombies like this are dumb and should rot in hell after being given sentience for so to be tortured and killed and resurrected and killed.
Indiscrimation is a bad thing.
It appears lives are so harshly taken by idiocy. May they find peace and joy.
Excellent work, dear Author.
The feels!
Great writing, I was able to picture the whole thing.
Good story man. Good story.
3493509 You don't know how happy that makes me
!
I had read this just after losing one of my dogs to some...unknown factor. He died in my arms... now more tears are being purged from me as we speak.
Well done sir.
Reminds me of the dog scene in "I am legend"
Do you get you get this idea when you were drunk or when you were sober, Miss Punch? Doesn't matter, it was sorrowful story. I felt sad.
3494434 i'm never sober
dear gods, this made me cry
i don't like rarity and this made me cry really bad!
HOT DAMN! This was written very well, and the feels...gosh the feels.
Way to make me cry before work...
also glad to see a story based around this pic finally made.
3494731
Thank you, and I'm sorry! 
Not really 
I really don,t want to read this.....but at the same time.....
After reading this again, was this inspired by that scene from The Walking Dead?
3494984 No, but I have been told on multiple occasions it's similar. Lol
3494991 Very similar in fact. Hahaha
3495009 Srs? -goes to find this mysterious scene-
3495055
SPOILERS!
It's a tribute but it explains it.
3495067 Well shit...
3495116 Well shit indeed.
3494459 Well, that makes sense...
A lot of sense...
Now, if you could please continue this, I'm sure a lot of us would be grateful... please?
3495289 I may make an epilogue. Maybe...
Holy shit! This looks cool!
*Actually reads it*
I regret being born...
so sad....
...The feels...
s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/44383-Right-in-the-feels-TJAE.jpeg
sciencephoto.com/image/277998/350wm/M5600244-Gloved_hands_holding_freshly_removed_human_heart-SPL.jpg
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/952788736/h36EFAE24/
Sigh... Much better now
3497250 Awesome!
Oh man, very nice. Short, sweet and to the point. Well done!
3507585 Cheers!
This was a beautiful story. I nearly cried just looking at the title picture.
3508317 Beautiful? Holy shit, I guess you must find stories darker than this positively gorgeous
3508572 I am always one for dark creepy stories. Cupcakes, Rainbow Factory, Cherilee's Garden, you name it. I will read it. This story just really struck my chords.
3508582
I LOVED IT.
I had a few problems with the writing itself (it was confusing at a few parts the way it was worded), but all in all, I loved it. Very Walking Dead-esque.
I loved thisnscene from the original walking dead... It was so sad. It's only made sadder by the fact how young sweetie bell is...
3493458 you're everywhere... Isaw you on ALL of the canon Silent Ponyville stories except Silence of Ponyville AND a few other dark fics. I is emeezed.
Bravo!
The feels,
They Hurt!! Rip: Rarity Committed suicide due to questioning her element and her dear dead sister. She is in a better place. The clothes matey make the Mare's appearance, yet the heart makes the Mare's everything. 
Spoiler Warning
This story is good, but there are two major problems holding it back from being great. First, that opening section where you dump exposition needs to be cut out and set on fire. The most commonly given tip in writing is, "show don't tell." Most of the information you give in the beginning could either be writin in scene, or be brought up by the characters themselves in dialogue or thoughts. This would make the story far more engaging, as it's not some faceless narrator dumping backstory onto us, but the characters themselves worrying and mourning over the past. And don't even mention Sweetie Belle's death in the beginning. You did such a wonderful job portraying her death later on. Everything from Rarity's vengeful attack on Roseluck to Sweetie Belle's final terrified moments in her sisters arms was done so well. Don't cheapen it by summarizing the scene at the beginning. You can foreshadow and hint at the scene, but don't outright state it's going to happen.
Second big problem, the ending feels rushed. It's not nearly as a big of a problem as the beginning is, but it still needs work. The idea was brilliant. Having Rarity kill herself was a dark but appropriate end to the story, but it needed more build up. The way it is now, to give the bluntest comparison, is like sex without foreplay. Over in an instant, and someone probably didn't have the good time they wanted. You need to build us up to the climax. Dwell on Rarity's emotional state, have some other characters talk with her, maybe have someone walk in as she's about to kill herself.
Aside from the that, most of the other problems come from plot holes and a few other things that didn't make sense. You ended one section with Big Mac stating he would not leave Rarity alone, and then immediately jump to a scene where Rarity is alone, unguarded, with a gun, and her recently zombified sister who isn't even restrained or locked up.
Also, this line:
Really? No mourning, no sadness, just relief. I'm not saying you can't have them think like this, but you should at least mention some form of grief on their part. Something that says they didn't react to their best friend's death with relief. Almo keep in mind, this is part of the opening, so you should probably rewrite it in scene with the characters reminiscing or talking about the event, or something like that.
Regardless, I'll commend you for this fic. I loved the premis and the some of the execution, you just need to clean it up in some areas, and build it up in others.
I wonder what the guns look like...
May you and Sweetie Belle find everlasting peace in the Elysian Fields