While walking home from work one day, a Los Angeles native is struck by a car, and through a series of contrived coincidences, arrives in Equestria. As he learns more and more about his strange new environment, the young man must decide if he should try to find a way back home, and whether or not he even wants to leave this idyllic land. Warning: This is literally my first foray into MLP fan writing, and since I came into this fandom rather oddly, there will probably be mistakes by the bucket-load, so please bear with me.
Chapters (1)
Meh, lots of clichés, and not the goods one.
Being killed by a car, then waking up in the Everfree ( and being found by one of the main character ) is one of the most common start of a HiE ( Human in Equestria ) story. It mean that Equestria is some sort of afterlife when you got killed, wich is really wrong.
Being found in the Everfree is really dumb too. A wounded thing in this forest is going to attract some big predator really fast, there is no way for a pony to found him, especially because NO ponies goes to the Everfree. Twilight only goes inside to see Zecora, it's way too dangerous alone to want to wander in this forest.
I don't picture Celestia being the one to teleport him to Equestria by error. She's not stupid enough to toy with the rules of the universe when she have to protect her ponies. If she can attract a human by error, she can also attract something like ... Cthulhu. And we all know what's going to happen with him ( or any other things from beyond the veil ).
The MC ( Main Character ) at least got some backstory, but we don't have any physical descriptions, and no real reasons to care about him so far.
Twilight seems a bit too aggressive/defensive to me, and a little too casual with Celestia.
All in all I don't think I'm going to wait for another chapter, nothing really got my interrest in this story so far.
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Ouch. Well, at least you're honest. Thanks for at least taking the time to read this, and pointing out its shortcomings. Have a nice day!
If I can give you some advice, try to read some of the top rated stories of this site, just to watch how others authors build their stories.
And read some story with the human tag, to get the idea of what can work and what doesn't. I read a LOT of stories with the human tag, and it's a garbage tag. Most of HiE story are just poorly done self-insert wish-fulfillement stories, and most of them are not well received because readers don't care about the fantasies of some random dudes.
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I see. Thanks very much for the advice. I've always been one to jump the gun, so to speak. And seriously, thanks for not being a dick about it, you're a good person.