Chapter 8
A crack of thunder echoed from the valley as the wills of two powerful unicorns collided in a flash of magic. As the red dust settled, Rarity stood panting, trying her best to remain stoic as Sombra trotted in a circle around her, a maniacal grin splashed across his face. The air was heavy with heat, stifling Rarity’s ice magic with its oppression.
"You're in my grasp, Seamstress. From this place, there can be no escape," he hissed from over her shoulder.
Rarity shivered at the sound of his voice as he finished circling her, still wearing his trademark grin. She turned her attention back to him, anger filling her heart as she willed her armored visor into place. She knew he was taking his time, like a cat toying with their prey.
Growling in frustration, Rarity charged forward, determined to meet her fate head on with her hoof, if not her magic. But her assault was short-lived as Sombra caught her hoof and slammed the armored mare into the ground.
"I was trapped in your head for decades, Rarity. Centuries even. But no more," said Sombra as he pinned her down. “You really thought I wouldn’t know your every move?”
A brilliant beam of light erupted from Rarity’s horn, forcing Sombra to drop his hold on her. She leaped up and pressed her advantage with a second blast, but he countered with his own and the two began a brief contest of magical wills. A contest that Sombra won as his shadowy bolt engulfed Rarity and sent her flying backwards.
The first bounce knocked the wind out of Rarity. The second shattered the armor that protected her left shoulder. The third time Rarity hit the ground she stayed down, sliding to a painful, gritty stop.
“Come now, Empress,” chided Sombra, as Rarity struggled to get back on her hooves. “Aren’t you going to fight back? Come, fight me like a true Crystal Monarch and I promise you will die with some dignity.”
The Empress let out a laugh of her own, a bluff though it was, and grinned back at him. “What makes you think I even need to fight you? Princess Twilight is on her way to the Crystal Empire. When she finds that I'm gone, she'll come to rushing to my aid! She has this location spell that—”
Sombra raised a hoof, along with an eyebrow in amusement, before slamming it back down, sundering the ground between them. A cage, constructed from sheets of black crystal, burst up from the ground.
“What makes you think you’ll last that long?” he asked coldly.
Rarity looked at the black cage. The sheets of crystal were tinted so darkly that she could barely make out the shape of a pony prisoner within. Whoever it was ran to the closest edge of its cell, rose up, and banged away against the wall. It was then that Rarity was able to make out who was in the cage. It wasn’t that she recognized the pony by sight, but she recognized them by the sound of its voice and the prickly sensation of its wrath.
It was the Crystal Heart.
King Sombra leered at the Crystal Heart’s avatar before letting loose an animalistic roar. The pony immediately rushed to the opposite end of the cage and curled into a shivering ball. Anger swelled once more in Rarity’s chest.
“Now see here!” she barked, taking a defiant step forward.
Sombra watched Rarity from the corner of his burning eyes, but didn’t grant her his full attention. He grinned as he watched the shivering form within his dark cage.
“You care for it. Amusing,” he said flatly as he stared at the Crystal Heart. “Your bonding with the Heart is… unique. Desirable, even. Never before has a pony merged so perfectly with it. Such a bonding is curious to me, or would have been, once long ago.” He said those words in a way that Rarity, in her most generous of moments, would have considered to be regretful.
But his tone changed in an instant and he chuckled darkly before continuing. “It matters little now. Tell me, Rarity, do you think of yourself as immortal because you merged with the Crystal Heart? That such an act has made you unbreakable? Perhaps you fancy yourself a goddess?” His laughter stopped and at last he turned to face the pony of his ire.
“If so, then you are a fool.”
Dark magic surged from Sombra’s horn and struck the crystal that jutted out of the cage’s top. The inside of the cage suddenly burst into black flames. Rarity dropped to her knees as the pain washed over her. She opened her mouth to scream, but not a word could be uttered. She couldn’t find the strength. She could feel the flames as if they were burning her from the inside out. Rarity forced herself to look up through the pain and at the pony caged within the raging inferno.
The pony stood in the flames as if nothing was wrong. Its head was cocked to one side as it looked at the flames, experimentally poking at it with a hoof.
The flames died out as Sombra pressed down on the dry dirt with a hoof.
Rarity’s body ached with burns that she couldn’t see. Her armor was undamaged as far as burns went, but her flesh underneath felt tender and warm. Suffice to say, she was a very unhappy pony as she struggled to stand.
Sombra snorted derisively at her pain as a jagged clump of rock, like a mountain, began to rise into the raging inferno in the sky behind him. “Come then, Seamstress, take the Crystal Heart if you can. Provide me with some sport.”
“And if I don’t?” asked Rarity, ragged defiance in her voice as she slowly stood up on trembling legs.
“Then you will die,” he said flatly as a second wave of fire washed over the Crystal Heart, and Rarity’s forelegs dropped to their knees once more.
The sensation of licking flames passed. Rarity could once again focus on the world around her, but she found much to her relief and simultaneous dread that she was alone, excepting the pony in the black crystal cage before her.
Rarity took a moment to compose herself and focus her thoughts. Sombra had already proven himself to be a master of both illusion and emotional manipulation. Rarity knew that to think even for a moment that he was gone and she was safe would be most foolish, but she also knew that she needed to free the Crystal Heart, then get back to the Empire.
Never dropping her guard, Rarity approached the cage and tapped it with a hoof. The crystal it was made of felt unnaturally warm to the touch and left her hoof oddly numb. She didn’t want to think about what it must be like within the horrid structure, but it wasn’t hard to imagine, what with the way the Crystal Heart stumbled around within.
“Hello?” Rarity called out. “Can you hear me?”
The Crystal Heart stopped its awkward shuffling. It then looked around aimlessly until it saw the Crystal Empress on the other side of the cage. Rarity saw it try to respond, calling out desperately to her, but she heard nothing through the cage’s walls.
“I can’t hear you, Darling. Just… stay calm and I’ll get you out somehow, okay?”
The Crystal Heart tried to say something again, but to no avail. She watched as it shouted pointed desperately beyond the cage to some point in the distant horizon. The Crystal Heart continued to shout and pantomime, pointing in the direction off to the West. Rarity turned away from the frantic construct, looking toward where it was gesturing.
She had only a trickle of warning in the back of her mind before she felt a blade scrape along the frosted hairs of her exposed throat. She leapt back and cursed under her breath before firing a defensive burst of icy spikes from her center, with the hopes of gaining the upper hoof. But the first blade was joined by a second, and the two floating blades rushed over her barrier, pressing in for the kill.
Rarity barely had enough time to roll out of the way as one of the barely visible, phantom blades stabbed at her while the other swung in lazy arcs through her escape route. The two never quite found their mark, but they pressed her back away from the cage.
Suddenly, the blade that had been cutting lazy swaths through the air turned on the attack and sliced into her unarmored cheek, below her visor, eliciting a squeal of pain and dropping Rarity flat on her rump.
“You can’t win, Rarity,” crowed Sombra as he re-materialized between his two blades. He stood proud and primal in his stance. There was no empathy in those burning eyes. No compassion. He wanted Rarity to hurt. He wanted her to fail.
“I ask again, fool,” he said, spitting his words. “Do you submit?”
Rarity slammed down a hoof, cratering the ground with a frustrated, animalistic shout of her own. She was beside herself with rage. She hadn’t been treated so viciously, nor so casually dismissed in centuries, and she wouldn’t submit such unbecoming behavior now.
“Never, you-you... you brute!” she snarled back at him.
And her world was engulfed in flame for a third time. Once more, the sickening sensation of flames rolling up and down her body, eager to reduce her to so much ash, was inescapable. Rarity dropped to her knees in pain, letting out a brief sob. The sort of sob no pony was meant to make in a more just world.
With shaky legs, she stood, fighting against the natural urge to roll in the dirt and put out the fire. She stood and glared at Sombra, who stood above her in silent fury. She could tell that her willful act of rebellion, as small as it was, had struck him deeper than any magical bolt could have.
“No!” she screamed. “I will not s-submit!” she choked out through the agony that now rolled like searing waves across her body. “I’d rather die!”
“So be it,” said Sombra in a chilling almost-whisper that echoed through the stillness which followed.
In an instant, her body was no longer aflame, and she dropped to her side in sweet relief. But the relief was short-lived, for a growing darkness began to engulf the sky.
Rarity looked up at the monstrosity forming above her. It was Sombra, or at least, it resembled the wicked tyrant, but he was massive.
The darkness poured out of him, swallowing the top half of the cage and engulfing him as the black cloud began to take the shape of his grim profile. The cage that held the Crystal Heart was pressed deep into the red earth as Sombra's growing mass began to weigh heavily on the structure.
“It is finished!” bellowed King Sombra as his colossal head turned to look down at his quarry.
Then he began to inhale.
Rarity’s hooves started to slide forward and her poor battered mane and tail were both pulled towards the inhaling beast. She pushed against the unnatural gale that threatened to consume her. Soon, the force was all but undeniable. Rarity screamed something against the wind, but whatever she said was lost to the howl of Sombra’s inhale.
And then it stopped.
Rarity stared back up at the towering mass above her from the end of her latest slide, momentarily robbed of all thought. Sombra’s form was filled to bursting with the flames of dark magic, so much so that his throat swelled and black flames leaked from his lips and nostrils.
His eyes bore into Rarity’s and she fought against the urge to cower. She knew she couldn’t win, but that didn’t mean she had to act like a foal. If it was her destiny to be reduced to ash in her own mind, then she would meet that destiny head on.
Also, she took a moment to straighten her mane, because hay, why not? If this was how it was going to end, she was going to go out looking good.
Sombra opened his mouth, and black flame rushed out. Briefly, Rarity wondered if there was anypony left in the world who would truly miss her. Twilight, probably. She’d be the last of the six, the poor dear.
The ground rumbled and cracked until there was a sudden, rather comical popping sound like an oversized soap bubble imploding. The pop was followed by a familiar voice shouting “YEEHAW!” which was subsequently followed by a significant amount of coughing by an enraged King Sombra.
Somehow, someway— and Rarity wasn’t ruling out the possibility that she’d finally cracked and that she was well beyond crazy now— her long dead friend Applejack was riding the long missing Princess Luna. The cowpony waved her hat around while riding the princess out of Sombra’s mouth. To his credit, Sombra looked just as surprised as Rarity imagined she must have looked.
He was probably significantly more upset though, if the vile words he managed to spit out between coughs were any indication.
Rarity, dumbstruck by the sight, would have all but forgotten about the evil she was facing, were it not for his incessant coughing and cursing.
Princess Luna cleared her throat with a polite cough of her own and bowed like only a ruler of Equestria could as Applejack hopped off. “Hail, Empress Rarit—”
“EDOUF!” roared a stuffed-up Sombra. He materialized a massive hoof to wipe away some rainbow-colored residue that dribbled down his muzzle. “Gah… What, what is this!? Is this glitter?”
“Huh,” said Applejack, absentmindedly as she watched Sombra’s nasally temper tantrum unfold. The sound of shuffling hooves beside her snapped her out of her rubbernecking. “Oh. Hey there, Rares,” she said merrily, trying her best to ignore the absurdity of it all. “How’s it goin’?”
Rarity felt her stomach drop out from under her, and she moved to put Applejack between herself and the Night Princess, angling herself for defense as best she could.
Applejack looked at Rarity nervously. “What’s wrong, Sugarcube?”
“The last time I saw an alicorn, she melted my lower half into a puddle, Applejack.”
Luna spun around on her back hooves and stared back anxiously at the Crystal Empress. “Who did what now?”
Before Rarity could respond, a heavy blast of dark magic slammed into Luna’s side, sending her spiralling uncontrollably through the air and down the mountainside.
Rarity let out a startled whinney and reared back at the acrid stench of burning ozone assaulting her nostrils. The agitated darkness that previously made up the mountain top dissipated, revealing a sputtering King Sombra, huffing and coughing with maddened eyes. “Wretched mares!” he roared. “You dare assault the sinuses of the True King of the Crystal Empire with glitter?!” Sombra spat a final shimmering globule on the ground.
“And… is that harmony?” he asked while scraping away the last of the bitter remnants on his tongue with his manifested hoof. “I hate harmon—”
A blur of moonlight, like a shooting star, raced past the speechless duo of Applejack and Rarity and smashed into the side of King Sombra’s head, knocking the oversized villain for a loop.
Flapping wings of absolute night before the gray shadow was the fuming outline of a pitch black alicorn. It also exuded shadow and darkness like Sombra, but it had an unmistakable edge to it. A purity that was unsullied by his vile magics. Rarity appraised the two and found Sombra’s darkness could easily be the sort of pleasant shade a pony could find under a tree on a summer’s day, whereas Luna’s bore the very meaning of night.
“Then allow me to put you out of your misery!” growled the cat-eyed shade, before it engulfed Sombra’s body like a vengeful eclipse.
The two shades collided and coalesced into a single mass whose colors warred and mingled together. Though only Sombra’s visage was evident, Luna’s interference was immediately apparent when the tyrant let out a maddened scream. Rarity knew that there was a nightmare brewing within him, and for the briefest of moments felt bad about the smug satisfaction that fact granted her.
“NO!” wailed Sombra as the churning black cloud that had consumed him pulled him off the cage and into the distance. “I DON’T HAVE YOUR RUSTY HORSESHOE, SPIRIT!”
Rarity looked back over at her friend. "Quickly now, Applejack, help me break open this cage. Before Sombra returns!"
Nearby, a large boulder was enveloped in the soft blue aura of Rarity’s magic, and she began to hoist the obstruction into the air.
“So uh, not that I’m doubtin’ you ‘er anythin’, but are ya really plannin' on smashin' it open with a rock?" asked Applejack, hesitantly.
Rarity gritted her teeth as beads of sweat began to collect on the parts of her face that weren’t covered in an icy shell. "If you have a better idea, Applejack, I’m all ears. If not, then for goodness sake, get with the bucking!"
Applejack stepped in front of Rarity and put her hooves on her withers, distracting the mare into dropping the massive rock. As it settled back in place, Rarity starred bewilderedly into her friend’s green eyes.
“Rarity.”
“... Yes?”
“Where are we?”
“We’re in trouble is where we are, now help me mo—”
“RARITY!”
The aforementioned mare sucked in a deep breath through clenched teeth to keep herself from giving a nasty outburst. “What is it, Applejack?” she asked through said clenched teeth.
“Focus. Where are we?” asked Applejack again, but this time she tapped a hoof on the Rarity’s forehead.
“We’re in… my mind,” Rarity answered back softly, realization slowly dawning on her.
Applejack shifted her weight and stepped to the side in order to point at the rocks all around them. “Tell the truth now, Rares. Ya think that cage is real? Ain’t it in yer head too?”
“It's not... Is it?” she asked.
With a soft pop, the cage walls melted away.
Rarity blinked at the approaching avatar of the Crystal Pony with wide-eyed surprise. "I did that," she said with no small amount of amazement. “I’m… I’m in control here, aren’t I? Any power Sombra had… It was all an illusion, wasn’t it?”
Applejack sat down and pulled off her hat to shake some of the awful red dirt off of it. “Welp,” she said with a sad smirk on her lips, “looks like ya figured it out. Don’t ya go’n let that nasty ol’ Sombra outta here, okay?”
Rarity nodded, and farther out, the hellscape surrounding the stone began to shift and change, fading into a wispy grey nothingness that reminded Rarity of the smoke cloud that tempted her before Sombra revealed himself. The dreadful smells of ash and blood left her palate, replaced by the much more pleasant smells of dust and damp stone.
Well, much more pleasant by comparison.
* * *
Captain Shining Star couldn’t have been more pleased as she trotted down the halls of the Royal Train. The Sun was shining, the all-unicorn Arcane Guard that stood under her command was running at top efficiency, and she had a spring in her step that she couldn’t hide even if she wanted to.
And after nearly ten years, she was about to see her dear sister.
She smiled as she peeked into the Royal Train’s observation car, having just come from the adjacent dining car. Though its familiar star charts and telescope were nowhere to be seen, Shining Star knew that they had to be in here somewhere. Probably just buried beneath the thirty some-odd stacks of the latest Equestrian Tax Code.
Princess Twilight was hunched over in one corner with a series of charts, Moon-hexed tax sheets, forms, and a variety of abacuses… abaci? Abaci, floating around her head. Despite the fact that the sudden ruse had been a bluff of complete desperation, Shining Star couldn’t help but feel a swell of old pride as she watched Twilight’s quill dance across a sheet of parchment.
“So… if we take the three and subtract it by six before we multiply it by the interest rate”
“No, that’s not it at all. You have to take the four, then subtract it by six and times it by the interest rate.” The Captain’s eyes refocused on a pair of her guards in the car’s center that had, apparently, decided to help the Princess out.
“Four? How did you get four?” asked Cornelius as he scratched a burnt gold hoof through his white mane.
“Because if you subtract the eight in Column G from the eleve—”
“Which is three...”
“And then you add the General Tax Fund Deductible from Column K, giving us four,” replied Aurora, a rather pleasant pink unicorn with a penchant for creamed carrots and conflagration.
Cornelius nodded. “Oh yeah. Wow, we are so good at this!”
“I know right?!” crowed Aurora as she patted her slightly larger companion on the shoulder. “We should do this taxes thing more ofte—”
“What in the name of all that is good and fungible are you two chuckleheads doing?” demanded a new voice from the other end of the train car. Shining knew the voice, but she couldn’t see him behind the teetering stacks of paper. What was his name again? she wondered.
Cornelius turned on the spot and smiled back at the fuming old stallion. “Oh hey, Flatty, we just figured we’d help with the taxes while you were away.”
Flat Rate, that was the name. Shining suppressed a smile when he fumed at the unwanted and unwarranted nickname while stomping his way over to the two unicorns standing in a crumpled pile of paperwork. A crumpled pile that had previously been a sorted stack.
“Away? While I was away? I was in the bathroom for two minutes for crying out loud and…” Flat Rate’s rant went cold as his eyes fell on the paper in Aurora’s forehoof. “What is this?” he demanded.
“It’s Cloudsdale’s tax fo—”
“Yes yes, I know what it is,” he growled while snatching it out of her grasp. “But would you mind telling me why the Gross Domestic Product of Cloudsdale is four?!”
Cornelius pointed at the completely unrelated form in his hoof as he replied. “Because if you subtract the eight in Column G from the eleven in Colu—”
“GET OUT!” shrieked Flat Rate as he flapped his wings in equal parts despair and accountable rage. The two guardponies leapt to their hooves at the unexpected ferocity and squeakiness of the ERS Commissioner and scrambled for the far door and relative safety of the dining car.
They saluted as they ran past Shining Star, and she smiled at them serenely with a small shake of her head.
“Of all the things I’ve had to deal with today,” muttered Flat Rate as he sat there gathering the forms into a somewhat organized stack. “Teleported onto a moving train. Going through these blasted forms again in the last quarter before processing. Now I’ve got to find something that’ll remove purple crayon from parchment.” He sighed angrily before finishing with, “What else can go wrong?
The train engine, eager to answer his question, slammed the brakes and every carefully organized stack of parchment in the car joined him in a sea of crumpled paper.
“FINAL STOP, THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE,” came an announcement over the magical loudspeaker in the upper back corner by the bathroom door.
Shining Star braced herself in the doorway and watched the wanton chaos unfold. There was a rustling from the center of the car, and soon, Flat Rate’s pale cream colored muzzle poked through the heap. This was followed by a purple muzzle at the end of a long slender neck a few feet away.
“Flat Rate?” asked the obviously oblivious Twilight. With a furrowed brow and cocked head she examined the sorry state of her surroundings. “What did you do?”
Flat Rate answered Her Royal Highness with a series of blubbery whimpers as he sank back below the surface of the paper pile. Not a minute passed before Twilight had fished out the chart she was looking at before the train ground to a halt, an action that resulted in a small eye roll from the Captain of her Arcane Guard.
Shining Star looked at the Princess, and then outside. There was the Crystal Empire, in all of its glory, with its crystal towers and crystal roads and crystal ponies and… now that she thought of it, there seemed to be a lot of crystal around here.
She watched as the other passengers disembarked from the train. Members of the royal staff running about this way and that, making preparations for this thing or that. Nobles strode about idly, chatting with one another about the train ride or the evening’s celebrations to come. Her tail swished happily, despite the nagging feeling in the back of her mind.
All had gone well. Luna should’ve been given enough time to complete her task, hopefully, and the taxes had proved to be more than enough of a distraction for Twilight. Perhaps too much, she thought, turning to observe her otherwise occupied charge.
The Goddess of Magic was still stuck in her own little world of paperwork, her quill scratching away in concentration. Shining Star looked back out the window and waited... And waited some more. At last, she waited until the count of one hundred after the last of the passengers, who weren’t part of the Princess’ entourage, left the platform, before she finally spoke up.
“Your Majesty?”
“Hmm?” Not a single motion was interrupted as the floating abaci clicked away.
“We’re here. At the Crystal Empire?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“We need to get off of, umm, the train….”
“Mm-hmm.”
“The royal trumpeters have been lining the red carpet for some time now? They’re starting to look a bit peevish.”
“Sounds good.”
The Captain felt her left eye twitch. But just a little bit. She tried closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, just like she’d shown her niece. But it wasn’t working. Instead of a gentle request, a thundering demand came out. “MOVE IT SPARKLE!”
Twilight let out a startled yelp, paperwork and quill pens flying every which way, as she was yanked out of her daze.
“Oh, Shining Star, how good to see… Oh, we’re already here?” she mumbled as she looked out at the stationary scenery beyond the observation car’s windows. Gathering her wits and her hooves, she stood up and flicked some errant papers off her back with her wings before using her magic to collect them all into piles again. It was then that she noticed her Captain standing there with a gentle smile on her face.
“Indeed we are, your Majesty; it was a lovely ride,” she said with a soldier’s bow, momentarily taking her eyes off the Princess. “Are you ready to depart? We must get going or—”
“Yes, yes,” said Twilight, who already had her muzzle buried in a manilla folder stuffed full of tax paperwork. She began walking forward without looking where she was going, much to Shining Star’s disdain. ”I think I’ve almost found this error!”
Shining Star's smile became all the more strained. "Have you? My that's... wonderful." she said humorlessly, making her way behind the Princess so as to steer her towards the train's exit. "Just, wonderful."
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..That is definetely Twilight.
And now we get to see just what happens when a Rapidash meets an Ice Queen and TEAM UP.
Yay! I have been eagerly awaiting thi- CONFOUND IT SPIKE! PUT THAT MUSta-, actually it looks good on ya. Keep it.
4753374
Yeah. It's just a last name given to Rarity, not to be confused with the Fimfiction user of the same name. Might remove it because of that. It's my little head canon that Rarity might have the last name of Belle, but simply prefers to go by Rarity because it sounds better to her.
4753404
You spelling went a bit screwy there, but that makes sense to me. I'd just keep it if I were you.
As for the chapter, it was fantastic. It was somewhat complex, but I utterly enjoyed the scenery, clashes, and NMM showing up. I don't know what you can improve on. It seemed appropriately detailed and open to the reader's imagination when needed. I had no problem imagining the story taking place in my head.
4753404 Well, Belle is only part of Sweete Belle's name. Rarity's just called Rarity
4753481
Yeah.
I've always been a fan of her having Belle as a part of her name, but that's just me.
Yay for the chapter! Also, sorry it was so long in coming, Blood Lord has been fantastically patient with me as I went from employed to unemployed to employed again in the space of a month. Yay Blood Lord's near infinite patience!
Poor Rarity, if she didn't already hate her birthday she would have every reason to do so from this one on.
Celeatia melted half of Rarity away? I keep wondering how that argument escalated so much.
The right was nice, but I think it got just a bit to long, Rarity was pretty much beaten through out the fight and she kept being beaten and just hanging there till Luna arrives, so it felt like it dragged on a bit but it wasn't bad.
Maybe it's just been long enough since Luna's secret identity was addressed but I thought Twilight didn't yet know who she was at this point in the timeline, might have to go back and reread some of story.
Thanks for the new chapter!
Aside from quite a few spelling & grammar errors, this was truly enjoyable. Looking forward to more, Sir Name-is-not-G rating-appropriate.
It would take the Element of Honesty, the literal one, to remind Rarity, the imaginative one, that, in her mindscape, she is mistress, no matter how much her imagination insists she is powerless and helpless. Nice bit of writing, by the way. A real 'Inception' and 'The Matrix' vibe to all of this!
Great chapter, as always. I liked the use symbolism throughout Rarity's dreamscape, especially with Applejack. BenRG's spot on with how you've given the whole thing a great mood/tone.
I don't see much to complain about with regard to the fight scenes. What was happening was always supremely clear; I never got bogged in unnecessary phrases or the like. I liked how you structured the more detailed descriptions into your sentences—it was always worded in a way that didn't distract from the bulk of the action. Overall, I thought it was both a very well thought-out and well put-together scene.
Heh, I think I'm beginning to see where you're going with Shining Star, and I can't wait to watch it all unfold. You get A+'s for building reader anticipation.
I've only noticed one (small) grammar error:
>who grunted a rather unladylike from the attack.
Thanks for the read; can't wait for the next chapter.
4754805
The argument is a fantastic piece, and totally Rarity's fault. I want to do a one-shot on what happened with it since there has been some interest in the comments regarded it. I might do that, or have Celestia talk about it a bit with Luna - who wasn't even aware that it occurred.
Thanks for your comment on the fight, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I can see how it was dragged out a bit.
Twilight has no idea where Luna or Celestia is at, or who they are. Did I accidentally put something in the update that suggested otherwise?
4754985
Where, Sir Lizardman?
4755075
Thank you very much.
4756715
Thanks for catching that. I had fixed that section because grunt was used twice, but it seemed like I didn't complete the job.
4759520 Shoot me a GDocs link (if you use it) and I'll point them out there.
4753614
Me too. Put it back in. Maybe I'll have some fun with explaining why later in the story. Because part of me knows that it isn't in the show, but it isn't said it isn't either. Plus this is fanfiction, and I like the name.
4759617
It'll be a while, I'll let you know. But yes, I use GDocs for this.
I have to admit, that was a very difficult chapter to read. It just went on and on, and on about the same thing. Over 7300 words before Rarity could even conceptualize that she was in her own mind. I've read a lot of SciFi that has a lot of situations where the protagonist must overcome something within their own mind. This is one of those where I found myself skimming through it to get to the end. For me this was a very boring read, very little of it was able to capture me.
I have no opinion on Rarity's mental acuity or emotional acumen, but whatever you were trying to establish in this chapter was lost on me.
4765114
Ouch. Thanks for your honesty though. What do you think could be done to make it enjoyable?
I think this was a delightful story. Of course there are a few errors, but nothing that distracted me from the story. It is well written and I think the Birthday verse stories do a fantastic job at keeping the core elements of the show in it.
This is fantastic. I love Crystal Queen Rarity. I groaned so hard when it went left us to see what Twilight was up to. I want more Rarity! <3
This is pretty cool. Really sad moments there with Rare's and AJ here and there, especially near the end. I almost wish this could of been it's own universe where she did make war with Equestria and the magic mare to fight for some sort of respect for the small nation. Surely her Crystal Heart powers, something that rivals the level of the other mcguffins, being fused with her own soul and such could put her nearer to Twilight's levels in raw power. Would be a gripping take of friendship vs duty vs shady politics.
Course, this story can do anything at this point anyways being all prequelish. If this is the sequel though, is there a section in the other stories that show the battle that made her give up her own destiny for that of the Crystal Empire? That sounded pretty epic. Would love to see the road that brought her into becoming Crystal Empire's Princess Rarity.
Keep in mind, this is my first read. Not a fan of future generation stories, but I do enjoy seeing how the mane 6 deal with loss. And this is something I'm loving about Rarity's story thus far. The feels near the end were beautiful. I hope the other stories have as much mane 6 focus. I'm curious as to learn more of why Luna chose to hide herself with Rarity.
Sounds like a great universe you all have crafted. Can't wait for this one to end so I can dive into more of it.
4765714 I think it wandered about too much with the Sombra is a bad ass stuff, it was good at first, maybe the first time it happened, but then it just went on and on. I expected more emphasis on Rarity's thoughts, getting a look at her melancholy, and an affirmation of self. Instead it felt more like the only revelation was that she was too stupid to realize she was in her own mind. The end parts of the chapter feel more like a 'duh' moment then a realization of self. These are just my thoughts, others find it excellent, so I am going to chalk this up to my "I just didn't get it" syndrome. No worries it happens a lot, that's why I'm a warrant officer, too smart for NCO, but not bright enough for officer.
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I can see where you are coming from, and thank you for your feedback. Chapter 8 is going to be reassessed by myself and maybe Autumnschild if he has time, to see if things can aleast be shortened down to make the chapter more readable. Rarity's thoughts on herself, changes, affirmation of self come in the next chaper, which resolve her fight. It was originally part of Chapter 8, but made it too long, and was worked into Chapter 9.
That was her revelation/duh moment for this segment of the battle. I know it sounds like a crappy one, and I hope to make up for the dissapointment with this next chapter - where she does learn quite abit. My thoughts were that Rarity is in an intense, stressful situation with a lot of hate flowing, against a villain with expert mastery over fear and manipulation. So shes not thinking very straight and it takes time for her to calm down enough to manipulate her mind willingly against Sombra. Perhaps the fault is mine in not expressing that well enough.
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I'm glad you have liked it and thank you for your kind words. You are going to love the next chapter and the planned sequels then, especially with these expressed hopes you've made.
We do have our own universe called the "Birthdayverse" (I would link it, but it doesn't work well on my phone). It also contains the stories that started all of this - Princess Twilight Sparkle's 500th, 505th, and 25th Birthday. They do focus more on Twilight, but Chapter 7 of 505th details Rarity's merge with the Crystal Heart. So far, we don't have anything that details her earlier years of Empress. It actually took a few years for her to be crowned after the merge.
ya
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Ya
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ya [or was she talking about "Rarity and Luna" when she said y'all? Because if she was then y'all is appropriate. If like the rest of this convo she's talking talking about Rares. Then it's ya].
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end " marks before "he".
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Now I must've missed it. a) Did Twilight find out about all those forms that were made to destroy the Crystal Empire's economy / infrastructure + Who was responsible? And b) when did the Cloudsdale tax error come from? Not inverse, but I mean what led up to her finding an error to begin with? I don't remember reading that.
Also Shining Star is Twilight's sister? How? Aren't Twilight's mom and dad dead? Like be 200 and some odd years?
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Awesome, thank you. I'll make sure to catch those in the new version of Chapter 8 that'll be coming up today.
a) Twilight has not found out about the "Poison Pill" bills that Blueblood presented that will destroy the Imperial Economy. We will be getting into that, but it is more towards the end of the story when you find out about it's creation and if it is real or not.
b) In Chapter 6, Luna requests Celestia to distract Twilight so she can assist Rarity. Twilight, at this time, is still actively looking for the princesses, and Luna helping Rarity could generate enough magic to alert Twilight to Luna's location. To fulfill the request, Twilight was notified that there was a potential error in the treasury numbers, and that it required her assistance in finding, several documents and the ERS head were teleported onto the train by Shining Star and Twilight (Which you don't read in it, it's just fluffy stuff, and they are the only ponies on the train strong enough to pull that spell off without a problem). Cloudsdale happens to be the section that they are currently looking at, already working through several other cities in alphabetical order. Twilight was happily assisted by two guards, who frankly had no idea what they were doing.
Shining Star is the Captain of the Arcane Guard, and intentionally designed to hold some similarities to Shining Armor, even the armor that she and the Arcane Guard are wearing are the same as Shining's (see Chapter 4, brief armor description). Twilight Sparkle is not the sister that Shining Star is referring to, nor are they related. Shining Star does know who Luna is though, if that is any sort of a hint.
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New version of chapter 8? And I look forward to reading it. Any major changes to the original?
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Remember when Quick Name said "I thought you knew or else I would have told you." Well, most of the staff is under that impression that somepony else took care of the problem, and let her know, but that she was determined anyways. Others, like Commander Onyx, believe that there is a chance that she can help Rarity enjoy the day, and let her do her best without giving her nagging doubts. Others, Like Chief Cake, don't think it will happen, so they don't bother with it and let Sapphire learn the hard way.
Sapphire also talks to Onyx about it later.
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One slight one, being Applejack. Found a position for that to work better latter in the story instead of now. It just interrupted the flow. But the rest of the story elements have been maintained.
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Yay! and near the end of the chapter Twilight sees the Poison Bill? Or is that in a later chapter?
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Sorry, later chapter. I miss lead you when I said "end of the chapter" I meant "end of the story".
Chapter 8 was split to create Chapter 9, which talks about the bill but from Blueblood's point of view. Chapter 10 might have some when Twilight and Blueblood meet, but it will probably be Chapter 12 or the Chapter when Twilight and Rarity meet up when more of the poison pill's origins come out.
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So this fic ends on Chapter 12? I feel sad about that. I'd really like to see Rares get her B-Day from Luna, and Bluey get his flank hooved/handed to him.
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Maybe 12. The original outline had this story to end at Chapter 3 (I am terrible at making outlines). There will still be time for some fun stuff to happen. Presents given, plots hatched, punishments given, secrets revealed.
Then there is the sequel.
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Sequel! Hearing that made my month.
Fun chapter. There are quite a few minor errors, but there's only one I'm going to specifically point out:
much to Shining Star’s disdain.
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Thanks for catching that. I need to go through this and do a thorough grammar check.
This is delightfully wrien. I like how the world keeps expanding with every passing chapter. I also like how your writing gets better with every chapter, and you got a hell of an awesome editor. Keep it up, I'm going to go read the rsst of the birthdayverse.
not bad. a bit slow on the telling, but I get the impression that you're busy with other things.
Anyways, I'm interested to see where this goes.
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You mean, like updates? Yeah, it's taking a little longer than expected. Both me and Autumnschild have had an... interesting last while of life. He does have Chapter 9 and is editing it when time is allowed, and I have a little over half of Chapter 10 finished.
Between this and 505 I must say it looks like the hidden Princesses like to keep a close eye on their old friends.
I'm pleased to see Rarity refuse to yield, but man do I wish she wasn't quite so outmatched.
Luna to the rescue, thank your deity of choice here.
I've heard some terrible things about glitter recently, from what I understand Sombra will probably never be able to get rid of all of it.
Excellent.
Yeah, figures that Shining Star was Celestia. And there we go, Twilight is finally in the Empire.
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In many southern drawl accents (and also some northeasters), yall is both singular and definite plural. Its indefinite plural is 'all yall'.