• Member Since 5th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 21st, 2014

RagamuffinQ


E

I don't write. A least not much anyway. But just because I don't write doesn't mean I don't have some story ideas. So I ask for the help of Twilight Sparkle to look through some of my ideas and tell me which ones are best.


At the end of each chapter I will ask for you, the reader, to tell me what you thought of the story idea in the chapter. If you really like the idea feel free to use it. You can message me for more info about the story if you need it.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 16 )

It's an interesting concept, but I think you're springing this on the wrong pony. Many words come to mind when I think about Rainbow Dash, but prejudice is not one of them (Zecora being an exception). Rainbow Dash typically looks at the content of one's character when judging somepony, not their outward appearance. Plus, she's the Element of Loyalty. That means she'll stand by you despite silly things like racial prejudice. So there's no reason for her to hate her unicorn cousin.

If you like this inter-racial story about overcoming prejudices, you might want to consider making the main character a member of the Apple family instead of Rainbow Dash. They're a family of Earth Ponies, so it's more likely that they would have a bias towards somepony who's not the same. Just, don't tell Applejack I said that. :twilightblush:

All the best,
Twilight Sparkle

I'm always one for meta-contextual antics, and this certainly delivers. It's also like nothing I've ever seen before, so you're a pioneer now. :yay: The formatting is a bit wonky, and there's a bit too much telling and not enough showing. But given the nature of this story (if one could call it that), I don't have as much of a problem with it as I probably should (you still might wanna work on that, though).

Actually now that I think about it, this is more like an avant-garde RP than an actual story. Or an avant-garde brainstorm. Or some sort of RP-brainstorming hybrid. I know it's avant-garde. :duck:

You certainly get points in my book for trying something new, and it might be a good exercise to flex my RP muscles. So, you earned a fav and a like from me. Kudos. :moustache:

3484403 thanks for commenting!:heart:

I understand what you're getting at with the story idea, I really do. That was something I realized when thinking it up. That's why I was thinking of making it an alternate universe. (Also I made Rainbow's cousin before I even thought to make her Rainbow's cousin. The only reason I did was because when I colored her she turned out to look kinda like someone who would be related to Rainbow. It was stupid I know:facehoof:)


Now about the real story, I know that it's to much telling and not enough showing but I just thought it up while trying to fall asleep.

I'm a pioneer? Wow thanks, that means a lot.:rainbowkiss:

Um... If you don't mind could you tell me how it's "wonky" please?

And one more thing, I don't want to sound stupid or anything but, what does Avant-Grade mean exactly?

Also, as for you think it's kinda like a RP, well that's because RPing is the closest thing I've come to actually writing a story.

3484602 By "wonky," I mean it could use a bit of polishing. For example, this:

"Because we aren't just outside your house, Twilight." The Pegasus said, "We are in my mind."

Should be this:

"Because we aren't just outside your house, Twilight," the pegasus said. "We are in my mind."

There's a Writing Guide on the site if you need more clarification.

Also, avant-garde means a new and unusual idea, typically used to describe certain kinds of art or artists. :twistnerd:

3484655 I see what you mean. I'll go though and fix it.

I'm not really sure what to think of it. There is the possibility of Dash's cousin being a Mary Sue or Dash being too big a jerk. However, this does have the potential to be a great story. I think it'll depend on what light you cast Dash in. If she is prejudice to her little cousin for being a unicorn it could be seen as very out of character for her, but since it is a family matter perhaps it's just what Dash has been geared to think. You'll have to tread carefully if Dash is going to be prejudice at first. One way I see this story playing the prejudice card, while still being relatively safe, is having her cousin not appear until the last third of the story. The first two-thirds can be used as build up to Rainbow Dash meeting her cousin. During this time perhaps Rainbow Dash is going through a variety of emotions: maybe she's nervous, feels like she wont be able to connect with her cousin since she's a unicorn, scared she'll be cast out of her family for talking to her aunt and cousin, worried that her aunt will be angry at her and treat her coldly or her cousin will be snooty and wont want to talk to her. There is a plethora of possibilities that can be utilized!

Wishing you the best of luck,
Twilight Sparkle
~
This was definitely something different, I thought it was cute. There are a few wonky parts here and there, using the quote below as an example: you don't have to say 'The filly said to her cousin.' we already know that Dash's cousin is logically the only one who could have responded to that. In this story I think the only reoccuring issue is that there are moments that you don't show, but tell. It doesn't detract from the story but it makes a few phrases a bit awkward.
kinda random, but the one thing that popped into my mind when I read this part

"You know what kid, I think you're my favorite cousin." Rainbow said to the filly.
"Rainbow Dash. I'm your only cousin." The filly said to her cousin.

was Scar: "I wouldn't anything to happen to my favorite nephew" Simba: "I'm you're only nephew" Scar: "All the more reason for me to be protective."

As for the story idea, the more I think about it the more I warm up to the idea; if you use the latter idea, Dash would be kind of like an audience surrogate, both are slowly being warmed up to and reassured of the coming meeting, and when it does happen the pay off will be so much greater. If I ever do see a certain story like that in the near future I'll be sure to give it a look, I'm sure that you can make something memorable. After all, you made a brony meets pony story very different from what usually pops up here, so kudos for making an original story. The level of interaction was also very different, I love that comment Twilight made about bronies always popping up in Equestria. It's very level headed: no explosions or world changing catastrophe. Quite refreshing indeed :twilightsmile:
*edit*
personally, I want to see what Spike does now that Twilight isn't around

3485674 Good thing you want to know what Spike is doing because I was thinking about putting that in the next chapter or make a new chapter just for him. Just want to make sure that someone wanted that.:twilightsmile:

It's, not a bad idea. I've seen it done before, and it was well-executed. But, therein lies the problem: I've seen it done before. Unless you're doing something new with the concept, I'd probably hold off on it for now.

All the best,
Twilight Sparkle

Not much to say on the whole scene with Pinkie and Spike, other than it's a decent cliffhanger. It's not the best I've seen, but it gets the job done. So, yeah. :duck:

3493197 DANGIT! I knew it had been done.:twilightangry2:

I didn't even realize it was a cliffhanger.......:applejackunsure: well, it's one now!:rainbowwild:

"Well... Is it safe?" Twilight asked.
"Absolutely."
"Are you sure?"
"I just came out of it, didn't I?" The Pegasus stated.

You can't argue with logic like that! :rainbowwild:

Now, Criticism, when you switch to your mind, the first sentence jumps into present tense for a bit for some reason.But I like how Twilight is used to random self-insert stories.

Ragamuffin looked around, then at Twilight. "Well, this Ponyville was created for this story and I was paying more attention to Sugarcube Corner then I was to the background and streets." She answered as they approached the sweets shop.

That "then" should be a "Than"

A portal appeared near a field of tall grass. Two ponies stepped out of the portal and on to a dirt path that run beside the field. They looked around the area when one of them started walking down the path.

should be "ran" not "run". also you have an extra spece between "path" and "that".

Otherwise, I like the random concept.

dude, you gotta go weirder. like what if swaggy raised the girl and the girl was about to return to earth. except when she returns to earth, it's ravaged by zombies, so she returns to equestria. or something. :pinkiecrazy:

3502341 I did that for reasons only I know.

This, has some potential. I've seen changeling redemption stories as well as stories where a human adopts Queen Chrysalis. However, I don't recall seeing one about a human adopting a changeling drone. It could be an interesting study on changeling biology and sociology.

On another note, yes, changelings can communicate through speech. At least, that's the general consensus from what I've read.

All the best,
Twilight Sparkle

Well, I hope that whenever you get a creative spark again, you'll revisit this tale. Like I said before, this is an interesting and unique idea, and it has a lot of potential. :twilightsmile:

It needs a little more of this!*makes cotton candy cloud that rains chocolate milk*CHOCOLATE RAIN!
-DiSc0ГD
(To defend this comment he's the living embodiment of chaos you point is invalid)

Login or register to comment