A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Home improvement had been an area of expertise I’d had to largely teach myself. So frankly I probably wasn’t as good as the guys who actually did carpentry and plumbing for a living. Well, at least in terminology. I think a hole in the floor underneath a refrigerator is just a hole underneath a refrigerator no matter what tech school you go to.
“Yep,” I said flatly, shining my flashlight down the hole, “you’ve got a lot of leakage, and…” I picked up a hammer and brought it down on the hole. The hole got bigger as the floorboard practically crumbled between the two joists. “Yeah, that’s not good.”
“It’s a wonder the whole dang thing didn’t fall into the cellar!” Applejack gasped, keeping her distance but still close enough to get a good look. It was the mark of a homeowner with common sense that she didn’t just look over my shoulder gawking. I’d done that as a little kid to guys who had been called in to work on our house and I always wondered if they’d been annoyed.
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “Still! Not a hard fix, just requires a new board. Plywood, three/fourths of an inch thick, 26 inches long and 19 inches wide.” I smiled at her. “Simple. I’ll only charge an extra ten bits to do the rest of the kitchen.”
“Good t’ hear,” Applejack sighed. She took her hat and rubbed the top of her head. “We do a mighty lot of maintenance here but behind the fridge…”
“Nah, relax,” I said, waving a hand to calm her down. “Nobody checks behind the fridge. That’s one thing that holds between both worlds.”
Applejack chuckled and nodded. “Ah’d jest like to get this settled before the great dragon migration, ya’ know?” She frowned at me thoughtfully. “Sure you don’t wanna go?”
“What, go watch the huge, fire breathing monstrosities? No thanks,” I said flatly. “I’ll stick to the simple terrors of home improvement.”
“Uh huh…” Applejack gave me a wry expression. “Sure you ain’t jest lookin’ to avoid another kind of terror? Specifically, two terrors?”
I had turned to my toolbox, so I was able to hide my expression of mortification from her. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come on Andrew, ah ain’t slow in the head,” Applejack snorted. “You, Fluttershy and Twilight have been dancin’ around each other fer a few weeks now!”
“Well…” I waved my hands, a bit helplessly. “It’s complicated.”
“Oh?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow. “How complicated?”
“Er… Well, you know, complicated,” I said.
“Uh huh,” Applejack said flatly. Her eyes narrowed. “Ya know, they are both mah friends…”
“I’m not… Doing anything,” I said quickly. “Nothing immoral, I swear. I mean, if I break anypony’s heart I’ll have the rest of you pissed off at me. I’m not that stupid!”
Applejack thought about it, and nodded. “Nope, not that kind…”
“Oh ha ha!” I huffed as I closed my tool box. Applejack chuckled.
“Now now, don’t get yer britches in a knot. Jest saying you need to clear the air before things get really awkward.”
“That’s… The tricky part,” I said carefully.
“How tricky are we talkin’ here?” Applejack asked.
I took a deep breath.
“… Fluttershy is bisexual and is fine with dating myself and Twilight but Twilight has not been able to decide if she is fine with it and frankly I’m reluctant to make any kind of decision right now.”
Applejack stared at me.
“… So you’re just an indecisive gelding then.”
“HEY! I am… Not a gelding!” I said angrily, even as Applejack giggled. I pressed a hand to my face and groaned.
- - - - - -
Fluttershy's cottage was the home closest to the path of the Great Dragon Migration. Unsurprisingly then, as Applejack and myself trotted up to it we could hear an argument about it.
"Come on Fluttershy, it'll be fun!"
And soon we could see it, as Rainbow Dash tried to push Fluttershy out the door while Twilight tried to coax her out.
"Big, horrible, monstrous dragons are not fun!" Fluttershy cried, her limbs firm against the door frame.
"But the Great Dragon Migration only happens once a generation!" Twilight insisted. "Isn't that something to appreciate?"
"Well, when you put it that way... NO!" Fluttershy cried. Applejack sighed and looked up at me.
"You see to yer mistress 'n wife, ah'll go dig the dragon blind," she said with a wink.
"You're hilarious," I said dryly. The orange mare galloped off, and I walked up the path to the cottage.
"We just don't want you to miss out," Twilight said.
"Oh what? Big, scaly, fire breathing dragons?" Fluttershy asked sarcastically. Twilight shrugged and smiled a bit more broadly.
"Thanks, but no thanks!" Fluttershy insisted. Rainbow Dash stopped pushing on Fluttershy, and huffed in irritation.
"Look Fluttershy," she said, producing a picture and showing it to her, "I went and watched that boring butterfly migration with you!" Rainbow Dash said. "You owe me!"
"Come on Fluttershy, Andrew's going to watch the migration with us!" Twilight said. I raised my eyebrow.
"This is news to me," I said.
"See? Andrew's not going either!" Fluttershy insisted. Twilight shot me a shocked look.
"What? You're not?"
I rubbed the back of my head. Oh yeah, I'd forgotten to tell her that. "Well Twilight, um, as much fun as getting close to gigantic, fire breathing carnivorous flying reptiles sounds... I'd much prefer to get some work done and not get eaten alive by said gigantic, fire breathing reptiles."
"We didn't discuss this," Twilight said in a warning tone. I frowned back.
"We didn't discuss me going either."
Twilight scowled slightly, before turning to give Fluttershy and Dash a smile. "Would you excuse us a moment?" Twilight trotted some distance away, and, taking the hint, I followed. When we'd gotten behind the tree I'd used for cover, she finally turned and faced me.
"I thought you'd love the dragon migration," she whispered.
"Twilight, if dragons existed on my planet, which to be fair is more likely now that I know they do here," I began, "they probably made their living eating my kind."
"So a primal fear is keeping you from going? Didn't stop you from going to Tartarus," she observed wryly.
"That's different! If someone I love is going into mortal danger then of course I'll be going!" I insisted. I got a rather pleasing blush off of Twilight, but she held steadfast.
"Don't change the subject! I've been working on getting Fluttershy to be more social after... Well... Everything," she said. "I mean, she still thinks that..."
"Still thinks what, darlings?"
We looked up and turned our heads to see Rarity standing them, smiling brightly. She had, as usual, very fashionable saddlebags with gems that glittered in the sunlight.
"... That... Um..." Twilight pawed the ground. I coughed.
"Er... That maybe..." I tried, but Twilight beat me to the punch.
"That I might be hogging Andrew, a bit, as... As a friend since we're dating now!" Twilight said. Rarity laughed gently, raising a hoof to cover her mouth as she did like Japanese women would do with a fan. Maybe I should tell her about that sometime...?
"Oh, if it's about you three being in a menage a trois no worries!" She said. "I'm not going to think any differently of you!"
Yes, the ponies had French too. No, I didn't know why.
"What?!" Twilight hissed. "How do you...? I mean... It's not-!"
"Oh please Twilight, I do listen and I do have eyes," Rarity insisted. She looked up at me with a cheeky smile. "And I do know something of, what was it, hominid mating practices?"
"What did you do with her?" Twilight snarled, hair beginning to rise in her magical aura. I let out a very unmanly "eep" and held up my hands.
"Nothing, nothing!" I insisted. "I just-!"
"Asked me about social matters between ponies," Rarity said, evidently not bothered that Twilight looked as though as she was about to explode. "It was so sweet him coming to me for advice about the three of you!"
"What?!" Twilight hissed, her aura dying down but the fury remaining. I gave her a flat look.
"I needed advice and Rarity is trustworthy..."
"So what did she tell you?" Twilight demanded.
- - - - - -
"Now darling, given Twilight has magic this makes your relationship far easier. But I do suggest scheduling intimacy at regular intervals and making sure Twilight does not withhold the transformation from Fluttershy, or yourself if you decide to go pony too. That is a key point of contention and Twilight does seem the... What's a good way to put this... Neurotic jealous type?"
"... That's a good way to put it?"
"Indeed! I love her dearly, make no mistake but really. Now, as for positions, I have this lovely chart for you to study..."
"And if you need accessories well! I've got quite the selection right here, in the, ahem, back room that you may peruse. I quite like this one actually, though the magical charge keeps dying down, no idea why..."
- - - - - -
"So really, you shouldn't have any problems!" Rarity said with a smile. "Though if you'd like my advice, let Fluttershy have Andrew to herself for a bit." The white unicorn winked. "There are ways to... Regain his attention afterwards." And off she trotted to the cottage, leaving myself and Twilight to stare after her.
"... Well I'm feeling... A bit mortified, how about you?" I asked.
Twilight groaned and covered her eyes with her hooves. "I cannot believe you told her-"
"I didn't tell her anything, she just... Came to the conclusion based on the evidence," I said with slumped shoulders. I glared at her. "And you insisted we not tell her the truth!"
"Well what was I supposed to do? Tell her it was a joke?" Twilight asked angrily. I sighed and raised my hands.
"Okay, okay, let's just calm down," I said. "Okay? Calm..."
"Hnn... I could do that easier with your hands," Twilight said, a bit coyly. A wry smile came onto my face and I worked a kink or two out of her back. She groaned happily. "Ahh... That's great..."
She smiled. "Well... Maybe this will work out for the best."
"Hm?" I grunted.
"Well... Um... Maybe you could tell her it was a joke?" She asked. I stared at her.
"So, I can break her heart while you're watching dragons?"
"No no no!" Twilight insisted. "Not what I mean!"
"Then what do you mean?" I asked flatly.
Twilight sighed and rubbed her face. "Ohhh..." She sighed. "I need time to think... So..." She worked her jaw a bit, before sighing deeply. "Okay. How about this? You spend some time with her... Alone... And I'll think about what to do."
"... Are you sure?" I asked. Twilight slowly nodded.
"Positive." She looked at me poignantly. "I can trust you..."
Though naturally there was the underlying question. I smiled back at her and bent down to kiss the top of her head.
"Yes you can," I said. Twilight smiled and nodded.
"All right..." She trotted out from behind the tree, and I followed. Fluttershy was still struggling in the door frame, now being talked down by Rarity and Rainbow Dash.
"Darling, you'll be missing out on a wonderful opportunity!"
"Butterfly migration! Boring!"
"There's nothing to fear! They'll be too far away to even see us!"
"I wanted to chew off my own wings I was so bored!"
"No... No... No... NO!" Fluttershy shouted, finally dislodging herself from the door and shooting out to tackle me.
"GWAH!" I cried, slamming into the ground hard. "OOF!"
"I'm. Not. Going!" Fluttershy insisted, wrapping her limbs tightly around me. "And neither is Andrew!"
"You're right Fluttershy," Twilight said over me, smiling at Fluttershy. "So, you and Andrew can go off and have fun together."
"Ah... R-Really?" Fluttershy asked, blushing brightly.
"So much pain," I groaned.
"Oh, that's wonderful! Th-Thank you Twilight!" Fluttershy said with a bright smile. She looked down at me and kissed my cheek. "This is going to be a fantastic day!"
"Hate you all," I moaned. "Hate you so much..."
- - - - - -
Some time later, back at the Apple farmhouse, I sawed through the rotted floorboard with relative ease. Unfortunately, due to the awkward angle at which I had to hold the saw it was slow going. Unfortunately Ponyville didn't have any power tools I could use (yet), so I was restricted to old fashioned human power.
Now, maybe that sounds kind of romantic but in all honesty, it is a pain in the ass.
"Nngh... Hrf... Ha!" I grinned as I finished the final cut. I worked the rotted hunk of floorboard out, and tossed it aside. "There we go..."
I looked over at Fluttershy with a smile. "Hand me the replacement will you?"
"Certainly," Fluttershy said with a warm smile. She took hold of the replacement board in her teeth and passed it over. I took it and carefully set it into place, making sure the edges met just right.
"Okay, hand me the hammer," I said. It was done, and after taking up a nail I placed it on the board over the joice. I tapped the nail with my hammer to drive it in slightly, carefully, carefully... I lifted the hammer up, just as carefully...
"So um, what do you think about babies?" Fluttershy asked, causing me to miss the nail entirely and instead hit the flat of my fingers.
"Yeow! Ow! Ow!" I hissed, pulling my hand back and pressing it against my stomach. Fluttershy gasped.
"Oh! Oh my, I'm very sorry about that, hang on," she said. I turned and she stretched out her wings to gently grasp my hand. With a hiss, I opened it up and she examined it, her feathertips stroking over my hand with the same dexterity as fingers. Just made out of feathers.
It was simultaneously kind of cool and also a little freaky. Her wings were like huge hands, how weird was that?
"Just a little knock, nothing to worry about," Fluttershy reassured me. I nodded slowly and smiled.
"Thanks..." I slowly turned back to the nail, and set it upright again. I again carefully positioned the hammer and waited.
"Um... About what I was saying," Fluttershy said. I sighed as I turned around on my knees, but I couldn't help a little smile. Okay, so it was an uncomfortable subject but at least I wouldn't have to have it while my hands screamed in agony.
"Um... Isn't it a bit sudden to be talking about that?" I asked. Fluttershy blinked.
"No, not really," she said. "It comes up every summer, especially towards the end-."
I coughed. "Ah... Yeah, but we're not..." I pointed to myself and to her. "Not... I mean we just started dating and all!"
Fluttershy blinked. "What does that have to do with it?"
I gaped in disbelief. "Wh-What?! We're not even married! We don't have a stable home and there's Twilight and-"
Fluttershy turned bright red. "Ah?! What?"
"I mean, if you ponies practice communal raising sometimes, which I haven't seen but it's entirely possible," I said, "there's that but frankly I'd prefer to be more involved in a child's life and have a commitment and you know, have a girl I'm close enough to I'd trust forever as my wife to be the mother and-"
"AH?!" Fluttershy cried, covering her cheeks. "N-No! Nonono! I-I'm not ready for that either! I mean, I'd like it to be you, if you were interested and I was interested and-and Twilight should probably have a say too-!"
"We haven't even dated that long and you're already talking about babies, what am I supposed to think?" I demanded.
Fluttershy blinked. Her mouth made an 'o' of understanding and she giggled nervously. "Oh! Heheheh... Um... That's not what I was talking about."
I stared. Fluttershy coughed.
"I um... I was wondering what you'd think of baby animals," Fluttershy said. "I let many of my animal friends keep their babies in the cottage during the fall. It helps their parents prepare their burrows for the winter, and um, I wasn't sure if you'd be... All right... With that," she trailed off and looked at the floor.
"Oh." I looked back at the floorboard and rubbed the back of my head. "Well uh, sure, no problem."
"Oh really? That's wonderful!" Fluttershy said cheerfully. I nodded.
"Yeah... I'm great with kids," I said with a smile. "Of any species."
Fluttershy blushed deeply and nodded. "Th... That's good to know," she said.
"Well..." I turned back to the floorboard and began hammering in the nail. "I'll be happy to help you get anything you need ready."
"That's also very good to hear!" Fluttershy said cheerfully. "And I'll even pay you."
"Much appreciated," I said with a smile. I looked down at the hammered in nail with satisfaction, and grabbed another one. I positioned it over the pencil marking I'd made. "I mean, I'd do it for free but-"
"But you'd prefer to earn money and keep things professional between us except on dates, right?" Fluttershy asked. I blinked and looked over my shoulder at her. She coughed.
"Um..." She averted her gaze. "You know... So you'll feel less awkward about... The three of us," she said.
"... Maybe a little," I admitted. "It's not quite something I'm used to." I hammered in the second nail and then sighed. "Back on my world, I'm not exactly a desirable mate."
And here I had two mares interested in me for more than my hands...
"You aren't?" Fluttershy asked curiously. "Why not?"
"Eh, couple reasons," I admitted as I took another nail and began pounding it in. "One, I don't exactly stand out in a crowd. I'm fairly average as far as humans go."
"Wouldn't that make you more attractive?" Fluttershy asked. "All the animals I see tend to go for mates that are closer to the baseline. I guess that's just how it works, I mean."
"It's similar to humans, I suppose," I said as I began pounding in another nail, "but it's not just looks. I don't exactly stand out in other ways." I finished the nail with a grunt, and started in on another one. "I'm also kind of anti-social. I don't date a lot, because the women I've dated before were... Well..." I sighed. "It didn't turn out well."
"It didn't turn out well?" Fluttershy asked curiously. She pawed at the floor. "Um... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. You could tell me, or tell me nothing, or even lie if you wanted, I wouldn't, um, mind..."
I finished the next nail off with a bit more force than I needed to. I frowned at the floorboard and thought about it.
"... Well, I made the mistake of dating girls far more interested in my brother than me in high school," I began, taking up another nail and hammering away.
"He was a... A Stud?" Fluttershy asked, and I could hear the cute blush in her voice.
"No. Gay," I said.
"Gay?" She asked.
"He... Preferred the company of other men," I explained. Fluttershy gasped.
I looked over my shoulder and frowned. It didn't seem like a big surprise to me, given Fluttershy had admitted an interest in Twilight. Catching my thought, she flushed.
"Ah, I mean, in Equestria 'gay' means... Happy," she said awkwardly. "Very happy... Liking others of your gender is 'racing on the other side of the track.'"
"Huh," I said, rather interested. "Interesting. It was the same for humans until recently. Though being 'gay' could also mean you were a guy who had a lot of sex."
"Oh my," Fluttershy said again, blushing brightly and giggling a bit. "How curious..."
"Anyway," I said, getting back on topic and getting back to work, "they often went after me to get closer to him. Or they were a shrinking violet who didn't really like dating, but were too polite to say no." The next nail was done, and I shifted to another. "When I got into college I tried dating a little, though to be honest I had to divert most of my attention to my studies."
"So you went out with studious girls then?" She asked.
"Nope," I said flatly, "I got used by less studious girls."
"Some pretty girl has trouble in class, she sees a socially awkward but intelligent guy, she uses her looks to get him to do her work for him," I said in a flat, angry tone. "That was a lot of my dating experience."
"And then I tried seemingly normal, down to Earth girls," I said, pounding in another nail even harder. "And they turned out to be crazy! They were talking marriage after three dates, and made every decision for us, and didn't let me have an opinion and didn't take the hint I didn't like her until I just flat out told her 'Hell no!'!"
"And then I tried religious girls," I snarled, pounding in another nail. The strikes filled the room loudly. "But they were actually taking a break from a guy they were dating just to get that guy to pay her more attention and neglected to tell me!"
"Andrew, um, m-maybe you should calm down-"
"Oh, but the best kind of girls are the single moms," I growled, grabbing a spirit level and slamming it down in the middle of the floorboard to make sure it was level. "They will neglect to inform you that they can't take you seriously, find you a laugh, and are just using you to get their chump bad boy bum of a boyfriend who knocked them up and ran off to come back to them!" I grabbed a wide board of wood, pressed it against the floorboard section, and pounded it with my hammer in an effort to get the whole thing level.
"And they won't tell you crap until, guess what, they update their profile on Facebook to say that they are engaged to said chump and oh gee sorry you didn't get the memo!"
A hoof gently but firmly pressed down on my palm, stopping my hammering. I looked over at Fluttershy, who stared into my eyes with great intensity.
"Calm down," she said softly. I felt the tension leave me, and all that was left in place of anger was a heavy helping of shame. I tried to avert my eyes, but Fluttershy's gaze held them firm.
"I... I'm sorry," I said softly. Fluttershy smiled sadly and hugged me.
"It... It's all right," she said softly. "It's all right... You really shouldn't hold things in like that though," she said. "You... You tend to easily blow up at the wrong times..."
I stared in some disbelief at her. I laughed a little and hugged her back.
"You have no idea..."
- - - - - - -
So, after that... Somewhat embarrassing rant, I put down the new floor and showed it off to Granny Smith. She was suitably impressed and paid me in full, and made arrangements for me to replace the linoleum in the bathrooms next. We shook hands... Hooves... Appendages, and off Fluttershy and I went with a far heavier money bag tied to my belt.
“That was quite nice,” Fluttershy said. “What next?”
I checked my schedule... And groaned. “Nurse Redheart’s mandated check up.”
“Mandated?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I’ve been, er... Missing some appointments.”
Fluttershy frowned. “How many appointments?”
“Well...” I sighed. “After she pulled out the really big needles, I wasn’t very keen on attending.”
Fluttershy gave me a severe look. “Andrew...”
“Well come on, I feel fine! Which is pretty good given what I’ve been through...”
“Andrew,” Fluttershy said again, her stare becoming more intense. I coughed.
“Hey now, I‘m saving money here! Even though healthcare is very cheap here and all...”
“Andrew,” she said flatly, “go.”
“Yes ma’am,” I er... Manfully squeaked.
Fluttershy’s face lightened, and she smiled kindly at me.
“Don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t be anything too arduous. I try to minimize the discomfort of all my patients, after all.”
- - - - - - -
Fluttershy flew out of the nurses office ahead of me, and turned around with a smile.
I followed a bit more slowly, giving her a glare. Fluttershy coughed and tapped her hooves together as I stepped out into the sunlight.
“Well... It could have been worse,” she said as she looked me up and down. Nurse Redheart had apparently ordered something special from Smokestack and Rarity. That combination alone was scary enough, but it wasn’t until the actual end product I realized the true horror of their collaboration.
“It’s purple,” I said flatly as I held out my arms to encompass the dragon sclae armor Nurse Redheart had ordered me to wear. Now, you might be thinking that going around wearing dragon scale armor is cool. You’d be wrong, it is in fact hot. And heavy. And purple.
“That is a problem,” admitted Fluttershy. “But it is the color of the scales of the dragon they came from.”
“Wait, what? You slew a dragon?” I asked in disbelief.
“No! These came from Spike when he became huge!” Fluttershy said. “Remember?”
I thought back to the incident in question...
I was walking down a side street, coming up on Main Street as numerous ponies ran from it. With a frown I rounded it and saw a gigantic purple and green dragon. My jaw dropped.
“Oh hell no,” I said as I turned to run back around the corner. I was halfway down the block when I heard the screams of ponies, I knew personally, and grimaced. “Damnit,” I sighed. “Okay, here I come to save the day!” I picked up a two by four and ran back.
I rounded the corner again... And a barrel filled my vision as the dragon had cast it at me with a single swing of his tail. I swung instinctively for the barrel, and it shattered... Releasing a deluge of apples that all carried the same momentum of the barrel and covered me. Everything went black.
“Er... I didn’t get there in time,” I lied. I sighed as I looked down at the armor, tugging on some straps. It was hot and heavy but it did fit properly. I wondered why Rarity hadn’t told me about it? You’d think she would have taken the chance to show off the new outfit first...
“Still, this is kind of humiliating,” I said flatly. “Might as well give me a bike helmet to wear at all times...”
“Did she say all times?” Fluttershy asked.
“She... Strongly suggested it,” I said wryly, looking over at Fluttershy. “I have some familiarity with those kinds of suggestions.”
Fluttershy had the good grace to blush.
“Still, it was a considerable investment on Rarity and Smokestack’s parts,” she stated. “Maybe you should thank them?” Fluttershy suggested. “I-I mean, if you wanted to...”
I sighed, and slowly nodded. “Right then... Smoke Stack first.”
Given he probably built it thanks to the business our weapons had generated, I suppose I could be a little thankful...
- - - - - -
A slow start to this new arc, but I hope you’ll forgive me for it. It is going to be a take on “Dragon Quest”, but it won’t have Andrew steal the show. It’s going to be fun though, promise.
And it all starts... With a purple suit of armor.
… Wait, come back!