Trixie, desperate and jobless, comes to the Carousel Boutique looking for a job. Rarity gives it to her and the ex-magician is very grateful. However, over time they begin to have feelings for each other...
Chapters (2)
Forestlove
Joined 6th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PropMaster · 23k words · 126 9 · 2.4k views
- TheVClaw · 5k words · 61 3 · 2k views
- XenoPony · 4.1k words · 128 7 · 3.9k views
- Estee · 9.3k words · 565 11 · 8.2k views
- BubblepipeWrangler · 52k words · 244 12 · 5.4k views
- Estee · 11k words · 1,134 25 · 15k views
- Enigmatic Otaku · 3.3k words · 386 6 · 4.8k views
- k12314 · 74k words · 919 204 · 37k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.11 seconds
Total duration
803 users online
1,226,102 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Feels rushed and has walls of text. I suggest getting an editor.
302350
Planning on that, actually--lookin' to find somebody.
302377 Good to know.
Pretty good so far
Pfff, what a horse manure. Snips and Snails brought Ursa here, not Trix. And HER FUCKING WAGON was destroyed by it. She would've told off that Rarity , if she wasn't OOC here
305247
Agggh, sorry bout that. I did rush a bit on that chapter and may have had her a little OOC as a result. I'll fix it when I go back to revise in the next day or two. Thanks for the comment!
305278
I'm fine with concept that Trixie is homeless and need job, but COME ON! She's showmare, and (was) succesful one with lots of expirience dealing with hecklers - she kicked RD's AJ's and Rarity's asses without breaking a sweat! So, it's okay if Rarity and Trixie backtalk to each other and pick on each, but remember that on every comment about her wrongness Trixie has witty and sharp retort.
Oh, and she's very talented. Rarity knows only telekinesis, gem-finding and a bit of dress-magic,while Trixie knows illusions, alteration, transformation, weather magic, and all that.
305283
Thank you!
Rarity: Oh, it's YOU! Because of you my boutique was nearly destroyed by Ursa!
Trixie: You mean because of two moronic colts from YOUR pathetic village that lured Ursa here?
Rarity: Well, if you didn't boast about how you supposedly defeated it, maybe all that would've never happened!
Trixie: Oh, forgive Trixie for little exagerration at her FREE show that SOMEPONY began to rudely interrupt before Trixie even started! Didn't you know that it's rude to disturb a performance?!
Rarity: You called yourself "great and powerful Trixie" and boasted about your 'spectacular magic" that was never witnessed by pony eyes!
Trixie: And if Trixie remembers, some pegasus mare said that she's "already better than any of you" - so she can boast like that, but for Trixie things are different? A little prejustice, I presume?
and all that =3
305296
Lovely. Thank you for the constructive criticism.
I want to think that they may have been a tad bit out of character here. That or their attitudes toward the sittuation changed far to quickly. I did find it hard to swallow that Rarity just went and "All right then, your hired". I probably would have delayed this process a tad bit longer. Maybe Rarity outright rejects her first, then melows on the idea over night, all the while Trixie continues to Linger around town, reflecting back on all thats happened, how she got here, maybe throw in a flashback of another instance were Trixie is turned down. Next day, you have Rarity in town shopping for supplies, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, Trixie is being shouted out of a shop, another job rejected. Rarity approaches Trixie, they banter over the details, and THEN, RELUCTANTLY, Rarity decides to hire Trixie. Then you develop it from there. But thats just my Idea.
Also, it you could probably go with "We will go out shopping for new supplies every saturday AND we will work from nine to five."
Overall, it's good. There are a few issues, though. It feels a little rushed, Trixie seems a little out of character at times, and the quotes seem to just be thrown together. Shouldn't thre be a new line for every time a new person talks? That was how I was taught, anyway.
Also, first chapter made me chuckle because of a tiny mistake. Her mane was hung to dry?
Aside from the already mentioned OOC moments.
New line for each time a speaker changes.
Inappropriate capitalization.
Way OOC for Trixie.