For Equestria to survive in a world like this, it will need to go down dark paths, and do horrible things. For Equestria, Yol Toor is the answer for that need. For Equestria, and its leaders, there is nothing he won't do.
*The new Chapter 1 has been posted!*
While this is NOT a Skyrim crossover, the words used for dragon names come from that game's Dragon Language, and belong to Bethesda studios. I do NOT claim ownership of them!
I would like to thank ocalhoun, PxDnNinja, J Hamtrot, Craine, and Vedues for proofreading and help
Chapters (5)
Awesome rewrite!!!! Can't wait for more!!!!
I really enjoyed this, and, unfortunately, can't provide any criticism or advice for the plot itself. I also loved that you included Kibitz from the comics, and I think your characterization of him was spot-on.
Anyway, I did notice a few typos or other grammatical problems (granted, I'm no expert in the field, so I might have made some mistakes):
“Very well; I’ll have the chefs prepare some for you. But in the mean time, you must do something about those bags under your eyes; they’re very unbecoming for a princess. It’s not like you to carelessly neglect your personal appearance like this.”
Dear Celestia,
It certainly has been a long time since we last spoke. I was beginning to think you felt you were too good to talk with a dragon like me. I suppose I could make a trip to Equestria. I’ll be able to arrive in six days; just give me the time and place, and I’ll be there as soon as I can. Until then,
Your friend, Yol Toor
“I see. I am Yol Toor, of the Dragon Empire,” Yol Toor said, bowing his head a little.
Both just stared at each other for several seconds in silence. It took all of Luna’s strength and courage to overcome her shock, gallop to Yol Toor, and press herself against him.
“My liege, can you hear me?” the figure asked, and the red crystal began to faintly glow.
“Yes Sonja; have you reached Equestria?” the crystal asked.
Looking forward to chapter 2!
4699945
Thank you for your comment and favorite. Ch. 2 should be up either tonight or tomorrow, just so you know.
And as to some of the errors you pointed out:
I don't want to spoil anything, so I'm just going to say that the errors here are intentional
4700017
Ah, I wondered about that, since they all had a similar format (switching two letters) and were all clustered in his response. Anyway, no problem about the like and favorite. Your feedback has been invaluable in my own story, and I'm enjoying this one quite a bit so far.
Only found one grammatical error:
Initial investegations have provided no concrete evidence to any enemy operatives hiding in the Everfree Forest. However, the mysterious activities of forest fauna and the presence of a very powerful perception filter reveal a very intelligent and powerful presence. The presence of a greed-crazed titan, however, disproves my asumption of it being the missing Master, which is some much needed good news. Though I’m still concerned about what could be hiding beyond that filter, the most I can do is warn Celestia about it.
Enjoying the story so far, and I can only assume that fiery scales will be explained at some future point.
4707102 Indeed
Keep up the good work!!!
4710029 Thanks
Sorry it took me so long to get around to commenting. Here are all the typos I could find:
Yol Toor put his hands behind his back and gripped one his wrists. He then tilted forward until he began to fall. Spike and Twilight thought he was going to land on his face, until he opened his mouth and fire jetted out. The flames hit the ground and Yol Toor slowed to a stop. Spike and Twilight watched with dropped jaws as Yol Toor exhaled, sent himself up a couple of feet, closed his mouth, and fell. He exhaled another burst of fire, lifting him again. Yol Toor repeated this twice more before using the fire to stand him up straight entirely.
Spike huffed silently. That’s what you said about the tail pull ups. What kind of psychopath makes a kid pull himself up by his tail from a twenty foot tree? My head still hurts!
He shook his head and sat down on his bed, clutching his rumbling stomach. A belch of fire summoned a letter before him, and it landed in his lap. Yol Toor unraveled the letter and read it.
I like how things are progressing quickly, but not so quickly that it gives the reader whiplash. Anyway, only caught one typo this time around:
“I’m afraid that’s on a need-to-know basis, Admiral; I can’t reveal his name or location, lest this infiltrator learn that they’ve been discovered.”
Good luck working on the next chapter!
4866409 Okay, those changes have been made. Thanks for pointing them out