Date Thirty-Six - Come With Me If You Want To Love
Cheerilee smiled at Caramel over the top of her martini glass. Somehow, the swelling near his jaw wasn’t off-putting. It made him look rugged. “Oh, stop it,” Cheerilee said as he covered the lump with his hoof. “I told you it’s not so bad.”
Caramel dropped his hoof. “I know. It’s just a reflex. You didn’t see it when it at its worst. I looked a chipmunk. The guards kept saying I was ‘nuts.’”
Cheerilee snorted, feeling slightly out of control after her third cocktail. She knew she shouldn’t laugh at the sensitive stallion, but the image of Caramel with a dozen walnuts in each cheek was too much to take. Biting the inside of her cheek, she forced herself to quit laughing.
Until she looked back up just as he was blowing out a large mouthful of air.
With his cheeks puffed up again, he looked even more like a chipmunk. The giggles took over again, and Cheerilee had to hastily set down her glass before she spilled her drink.
Caramel rested his good cheek in his hoof and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “I’m glad my time in the slammer is so funny to one of us, at least.”
Cheerilee pushed two empty martini glasses out of the way and reached across the table. Giving him a sunny smile, she grabbed Caramel’s free hoof in her own. “I thought you were very brave to charge those policeponies that night.”
Caramel tried to frown, but a smile twitched its way across his face instead. “Yeah, that’s what Applejack said to when she came to bail me out, but then she followed it up by telling me it was the dumbest thing I’d ever done.”
Cheerilee waved a hoof dismissively. “Well, she wasn’t there. Knowing Applejack, she’d be the first in line to kick Turnkey in the head if it’d been her instead of us.”
Caramel nodded. “Well, I’m just glad—”
The Trough’s heavy wooden door flew open, slamming against the opposite was with enough force to dislodge a nearby picture. It fell to the ground, the glass shattering. Framed in the doorjamb was the largest pony many of the patrons had ever seen. The bar fell silent as the huge, ice-blue pony squirmed through the door. Swiveling his massive head, he locked eyes with Cheerilee.
“What are your relevant interests, Cheerilee?” he said, trotting towards where she sat. A waitress skipped out of the away, sputtering indignantly as the stallion nearly bowled her over. A nearby couple dove away when he walked straight over their table, splintering it in the process. “Isn’t this nice weather that we’re having?”
Caramel lifted an eyebrow, his expression carefully guarded. “Who’s your friend?”
Cheerilee pushed away from table. “No idea, but I think maybe we should get out of here.”
Caramel nodded. “Yeah, that might be—oof!”
The hulking stallion dropped into Caramel’s chair and folded his hooves neatly on the table. His face was stoic. Unreadable. “So how was your childhood? Where did you grow up?"
Cheerilee shot to her hooves. “What do you think you’re doing?! Get off of him immediately!” She couldn’t see Caramel anymore, but he sounded like he was putting up quite a fight. Despite the furious pounding behind him, the stallion’s expression remain fixedly neutral. If Caramel was having any effect, she certainly couldn’t tell.
“So you’re Ponyville’s teacher? That must be very exciting. I’d love to hear more about the various techniques you’ve acquired to educate foals.”
“Would somepony do something?” Cheerilee said, scanning the bar. Everypony had suddenly found something very interesting in their drinks or was slowly edging for the door. Scowling, she turned back to the stallion. “Get off of him or I’m calling the cops!”
The stallion followed with his eyes, but remained perfectly still otherwise. Behind him, Caramel’s mane whipped back and forth while he struggled for some sort of leverage. “So what kind of music do you like?” the stallion said, his voice oddly flat. “I’m curious as to your preferences and I’m open to new musical experiences.”
Cheerilee stared back at the stallion, her eyes bulging. “Are you insane? What is wrong with...” Her voice fell away as an idea hit her. She flashed her most flirtatious smile at the massive stallion. “I’d rather show you than tell you. Wanna dance?”
The stallion stared back, unblinking. “Yes, I’d love to dance.”
Cheerilee took a few steps toward the jukebox. “Well, come on, then!”
The stallion rose slowly. “I have an intimate knowledge of several hundred—”
Cheerilee leapt forward, snatching Caramel’s hoof and yanking him out of the chair. “Run!” Together, they galloped out the Trough’s front door.
Beside her, Caramel coughed and wheezed, still trying to catch his breath. “What was—?”
“I don’t know!” Cheerilee replied, shaking her head. “But this—”
Both ponies stumbled, their hooves sparking against the cobblestones when they heard the splintering crash. Turning, their mouths sagged open.
The ice-blue stallion had run through the bar’s wall. Shaking out bits of plaster and wood, he scanned the street momentarily before locking eyes with Cheerilee again. “Do you have a hobby? What is your favorite play?”
Caramel shoved her. “Go! I’ll—” Caramel swallowed hard. “I-I’ll take care of this guy!”
“No you will not!” Cheerilee replied, twining her hoof into Caramel’s mane. Growling, she pulled until Caramel started moving again. “I want you to be brave, not suicidal!”
“Ow! Okay, okay! I’m coming!”
Behind them, they could hear the stallion’s pounding hooves as he gave chase. “If you could be any wildflower, which kind would you be?” he called after them in his oddly toneless voice.
“Why does he sound like that?” Caramel said, still slightly out of breath.
Cheerilee just shook her head, too intent on running to try and answer.
“Did you play any sports in school? What college did you go to? I’m interested in your childhood pets.”
Caramel yanked Cheerilee into a narrow alley. “Quick, this way! He’s going to have a hard time squeezing through here.” Dodging trashcans, the pair ducked into an open doorway. Leaning against the way, they gasped for air.
“Hey, whaddaya think you’re doing?!” Deep Dish said, dusting flour from his hooves. “You can’t just barge into my kitchen like—”
Cheerilee screamed as a pale blue hoof smashed through the wall beside her, wrapping around her before she could react. “What is your favorite restaurant?” a muffled voice asked as the hoof pulled. “Could I interest you in a refreshing alcoholic beverage?”
Deep Dish’s eyes bulged. “Hey! That’s my—”
Snaking cracks criss-crossed the wall before it suddenly gave way. With a shrill cry, Cheerilee disappeared through the gaping hole.
“I’m coming!” Caramel cried, leaping after her.
Cheerilee kicked her hooves as the stallion held her several inches off the ground. “Let me go, you maniac! What’s the matter with you?”
Caramel cocked his hoof back and let it fly at the stallion’s jaw. “I don’t know and I don’t care! This guy is way out of—aargh!" Falling to the floor, Caramel cradled his hoof. “Celestia, I think it’s broken!”
Without taking his eyes from Cheerilee, the stallion kicked Caramel through the wall. On the other side, Deep Dish wrung his hooves and stared at the damage.
Flailing, Cheerilee managed to wrap her hoof around a broken two by four. With a snarl, she yanked it from the hole. “Let. Me. Go!” she said, swinging with all of her might.
Cheerilee gasped as her hooves went numb. She felt as though she’d slammed them into solid concrete, and it took a few moments for her to realize that she was on the floor again. Scrambling backward, she stared up at the hulking stallion. Her eyes widened.
Half of his face was hanging off in tatters. Beneath it, a metal skull leered at her, it’s glowing red eye unwavering in its intensity. “Shall we go get dessert?” the thing asked her.
“No!” she said, half running, half falling through the hole back into the pizzeria. “Nonono!”
“I am D-8-R, and I was made for you, Cheerilee,” the thing droned. Reaching for her, it coiled its legs and leapt.
“Duck!” Caramel shouted, yanking open the door to the large oven behind her.
Cheerilee hit the floor, throwing her legs over her head as the robot sailed over her and headfirst into the oven. Rolling to the side, she barely avoided the thing’s flailing hooves as they smashed repeatedly into the tiled floor.
Snatching a large peel from the wall with his good hoof, Caramel rammed it into the robot’s back. “You just gonna stand there?” he growled at the gaping cook.
Shaking himself, Deep Dish wrapped his hooves around the peel’s shaft and leaned on it. Metal squealed against metal as the robot was forced deeper into the oven. For several long moments, the construct kicked futilely, but it lacked the leverage to apply its unnatural strength. Finally, it lay still. Caramel dropped the peel and sank to the floor, panting.
Cheerilee crawled over. “You were—”
“When can I meet your parents?”
Cheerilee’s head snapped around. The robot was wiggling its way out of the oven. Its features were a twisted, melted mess, but the red eyes continued to stare at her with its unwavering intensity. Its movements were labored how. The joints no longer moved smoothly. It jerked and spasmed as it reached for her.
The growl started from deep down within the teacher, birthed far below her diaphragm. A fire burned in her guts and the rage spread through her in inexorable waves. Before she knew it, she’d yanked a rolling pin from the wall. “I’M SO TIRED OF THIS!”
Crouching under the robot’s clumsy, grasping hooves, she side-stepped, then leapt high into the air. With a cry, she brought the rolling pin down on the thing’s head, leaving a large dent.
“A-arre w-xe excl-cl-clusive?” the thing asked, sparks shooting from its mouth.
Cheerilee swung again, twisting at the waist as she threw her back and legs into the blow. With a resounding clang, the robot’s head snapped to the side and slammed into its shoulder. Its eyes flickered briefly, then began to glow again.
“C-n I hve a kxss?” it said weakly.
With a scream, Cheerilee whipped the pin back, smashing it into the other side of the robot’s face. Again and again, she pummelled the robot, refusing to give it any time to recover. Screaming obscenities, she slammed the pin down, and when it broke, she used her hooves. Her eyes were blurred with furious tears when a hoof gently encircled her waist and pulled her away.
“Shh. Shh. It’s over, Cheerilee,” Caramel said softly into her ear. “No. Calm down. Shh. It’s over. You did it.”
Cheerilee threw her hooves around Caramel, shaking. Slowing, she looked over her shoulder. The robot was there, laying on the ground. Its head was a barely recognizable mass of misshapen metal and protruding wires. The thing’s one remaining eye was dark.
“What is this thing?” Deep Dish said softly, kneeling down to take a closer look.
Cheerilee sighed. “It's romance,” she said, scowling. “Couldn't you tell?”
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I read the pale blue stallion's lines in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice.
4339434 Schwarzeneighger.
4339443 Astla la vista, filly!
do you really intend on doing 1000 chapters or are you going to skip around from time to time, if you do that is over 1 million words (if you do 1000 words a chapter) which is longer than Fallout Equestria (Not horizions)
4339453 I'm not skipping. I have no idea if I'll get to a thousand. Odds are against it, but I'm not going to jump ahead.
Cheerilee is best Sarah Conner!
Now she and Caramel must have foals to save all of Equestria from the rogue dating robots in the future.
You know, after the pounding he took here, there is precisely zero reason Cheerilee should be dating anypony but Caramel, even while he recovers from his injury.
Just don't go taking him flowers and lunch while he recovers at the hospital, the malicious part of the universe would probably take the opportunity to give him smallpox or something.
I thought that went pretty well. Caramel and Cheerilee are both still conscious, so they can get back to their date!
4339480 The question is how long Caramel is going to want to be dated…
It's a dangerous business, going to Cheerilee's front door.
4339467 I can't wait to write all those chapter with her in the asylum.
4339489 They can have pizza over the romantically smoldering remains of an insane robot. What could be more stimulating to the heart than that?
You used my line.
I am so happy right now!
I need to go cry.
4339574 That line was brilliant. It made me need to write this chapter.
Really? Dot Matrix and Megabyte couldn't be bothered to see if Cheerilee had a date before launching the latest version of their invention? You know, unintentional double-booking is a cardinal sin in maintaining multiple romantic relationships, fellas.
Once again, Caramel is just so good to her, and honestly, she's really good to Caramel. And the fact that Caramel finds another special somepony sometime down the line is still rather tragic to think about.
Did...
Did you seriously...?
...You did. I love you.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Damn, Caramel must really love Cheerilee to keep coming back.
4339891 Yup. He's got the Cheerilee bug bad!
4339883 Seether00 gave me that title chapter name. I knew it had to be done after that.
4336295 Well, what teacher didn't have that kind of side once?
4339493
He's a tough cookie, he'll manage.
Congrats on the feature, juggernaught!
One thousand dates? Assuming Cheerilee's been dating for 15 years, that still works out to more than a date a week.
Also, I am way late to the party.
4340094 Thanks, mang. I think it's insta-feature these days. It goes to the box whenever it updates.
4340274 Glad to have you aboard, no matter when you join!
And Cheerilee just won't give up! It's a lot of dates, but she's determined.
4340394 This is a smart, smart law. Ugh, those things…
I kind of hope this doesn't get to an actual thousand. Make no mistake, I really enjoy this series, I find it highly entertaining and it's made me sympathize a great deal with Cheerilee. However, this is chapter 36, and these 36 dates have been some horrible experiences that I would not wish on the vast majority of people... Sometimes, I kind of just want her to get a break.
4340540 The chances of this actually getting to a thousand are pretty slim for this exact reason. At some point this will stop being funny and cross over into cruel. I'll have to stop when that happens.
Loved this. Huge Terminator fan here. So big, that I only acknowledge One and Two. But yeah, loved this.
4340645 Dammit! I hate when I write hands and feet accidentally! I'll go fix that right now.
As soon as I came up with D-8-R, I knew I had to do a Terminator thing with him. When Seether00 gave me that chapter title, it was all said and done.
I really wish I could give this series another "thumbs up"!
4340706 I'll give your comment a thumbs up. How about that?
4339493
Must... not... make... a dirty... "backdoor" pun!
4339505
Burning off those extra calories fleeing from swarms of hunter/seeker kissing drones?
4340413
I know, right? It is absolutely vile and disgusting to be chewing gum on the subway..
4340720 It's funny. A lot of times people end up inexplicably liking my terrible OC dates. That didn't happen with Gridiron. He's the one guy everyone agrees totally sucks.
1000 dates or not, this has to end with Cheerilee and Caramel together.
Then again, they're both bad luck magnets, so that could end horribly for someone.
I think caramel needed a break from cheerilee and that's why he wasn't available
Oh the story behind this i gonna be gooood.
4340738 It's about time someone stood up against the plague that is gum!
4340831
People are really on Caramel's side after this chapter!
4340848 Yeah, I'm sure he would sound very much like Ah-nold.
4341576 You're welcome!
The funny thing is that people kind of root for my horrible OCs in these dates. I'm always surprised when I get comments about how the stallion or mare wasn't that bad and that Cheerilee should give them another shot.
No one says that about Gridiron. He's universally hated!
4341834 You know you loved it!
4342161 It was good. We call it "chapter twenty-three."
4342075 Ducks are no laughing matter!
4342085 What is it with this guy? Everyone sympathizes with him!
4342103 Hey, he might still be alive! I left it open ended in case I wanted to use him again. Maybe he's just in a cuddle-induced coma.
4342293
Yes, yes I did! But it still can't top some of the earlier chapters. It occured to me, that while i have several stories that I absoulutly adfore, and can't wait long enough tofor a new chapter of, this is still the one that I'm always wanting a new chapter of the most!
4342304 Well, I hope to be ruining Cheerilee's life for you far into the future.
4342324
YAY!
4342031 Oh, don't worry. There are several chapters that utilize a different story telling method in this. I get bored sometimes and switch things up.
4342973 They had a long day and were totally pooped by the end...