Date Thirty-Five - Batmare Ends (Guest Chapter by BronyWriter)
Guest chapter written by BronyWriter
Personal ads had lied before, and more egregiously, to boot. “Works out, good hair, handsome, adventurous, and is looking for a mare who can hold her own.”
Pudgy, dark peach fuzz that tried to pass for a mustache, a mane that went down to the top of his legs, and a comic book under his wing wasn’t quite what she had pictured when she had read the ad and agreed to meet this stallion at a local shop.
A local comic book shop.
Cheerilee grimaced and quietly exhaled as she stared at the establishment. Arching an eyebrow, she turned to her date. “Now, Stanley, I’m what you might call an ‘open minded mare,’ but… really? A comic book shop?”
“Oh don’t worry about it. I own the place, so I know you’ll love it!” Stanley said, bouncing like a schoolfilly towards the entrance of the establishment. “I have a wonderful surprise planned for you, Cheerimee, and I think the experience is going to bring us closer together!”
“It’s ‘Cheerilee,’ Stanley.”
Stanley nodded and waved his hoof. “Yes, yes, that’s what I said. Now come on in! Like I said, this is going to bring us closer together!”
“Not too much closer together,” Cheerilee grumbled, wishing the stallion had grasped the concept of deodorant. Despite her reservations, and realizing that she really had nothing better to do today, she followed Stanley into the comic book shop.
As expected, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined the entire establishment, all of them packed completely with brightly colored, flimsy comic books. Cheerilee rolled her eyes at the sight of Stanley giggling and rushing around to each of the shelves, the one wing not holding the comic book to his side flapping about.
“Wait until you see everything! You’re gonna love this stuff! I’ve spent years collecting all of it.” Stanley flew over to a shelf of silvery comics protected in plastic sleeves. He grabbed one and flew back over to her. “Look! It’s the limited edition X-Mares One comic where the character of Professor Z is introduced!”
Cheerilee blinked once, but didn’t manage to say anything before Stanley flew back to the shelf and exchanged the comic with a plastic toy.
“And this one! A limited edition Batmare action figure, and it’s still in the original packaging!”
“Uh...” Cheerilee began to feel that familiar sinking feeling, and took a small step back. “That’s really... nice?”
“Isn’t it?” Stanley cooed, cradling the box as though it was a newborn foal. “It took me two years to track it down, and when I did, it was five hundred bits. I even managed to get the one with the removable cowl! Those are even rarer!” Stanley flipped the box around and showed Cheerilee the back, which bore a picture of the doll without the mask. “See? I think it even looks a little like you!”
Maybe she did have something better to do today. She did have a bottle of wine that she hadn’t opened yet. Yes, that sounded much more pleasant. A bottle of wine and a bubble bath. Cheerilee forced a smile on her face and gently cleared her throat.
“Uh, Stanley? This experience has been… typical, to say the least, but I have to go now.” Cheerilee began slowly backing away towards the entrance. “I just realized that I forgot to, uh, water my peace lily.”
“Your peace daisy can wait, Cheerimee, this is high-quality stuff!” Stanley zipped towards Cheerilee with a surprising quickness, and before Cheerilee knew what was happening, he grabbed her by the hoof and began pulling her towards a back room. “Besides, we haven’t even gotten to the surprise yet!”
“Oh, that’s really o—“
“Nonsense, Cheerimee, you’ll love it!” Stanley giggled again and pulled her into the back room. Inside, a small wooden table was flanked by two worn folding chairs. Above a single bulb flickered weakly. “I haven’t met a mare yet who hasn’t been quite surprised by this! Did you ever read comics?”
“Stanley, for the last time, my name is Cheerilee. And besides that, no.” Cheerilee ran a hoof through her mane. “I believe the expression I heard when I was a filly from my friends was ‘comic books: not even once.’”
“Well you’ll like this one! There’s lots of things about it that are, shall we say, unexpected.”
“Uh…” Cheerilee eyed Stanley and the setup with no shortage of suspicion. “That doesn’t sound… comforting.”
“Oh, but it is!” The duo reached the table, and Stanley pushed Cheerilee down onto one of the chairs. “I told you in the ad that I’m an adventurous sort, didn’t I?”
“Well, your ad also said that you had good hair and were handsome,” Cheerilee deadpanned.
“Think of the adventures that we’re about to have!” Stanley took the comic book out from under his wing and placed it down on the table, opening it up to the back page. “You and I are going to fight crime, solve mysteries, and save the world together!”
Cheerilee sighed and began rubbing one of her temples, making a mental note to never answer from a personal ad ever again. She slowly began inching off of her chair. Surely she could make it to the door faster than he could.
“Okay, Stanley, I think that I really must be going.” Cheerilee’s gaze flickered between her disastrous date and the door, praying to Discord that he would be distracted just long enough. “It’s been, uh, lovely to—”
Before Cheerilee could continue, Stanley drew himself up to his full height, a beaming smile on his face. “You can return to the place you started, when The Orange Imp is defeated. Take a closer look, to join the adventure in this book!”
Cheerilee’s pupils shrank down to pinpricks, and her jaw dropped open as the words registered with her. An enchanted comic. She had once confiscated an entire stack from the Cutie Mark Crusaders. And Diamond Tiara once for some odd reason, but that was unimportant. The flashing light emanating from the comic made for the more pressing issue, and Cheerilee heard Stanley giggle yet again as he was sucked into the comic.
Now was her chance.
Cheerilee shot out of her chair like a bat out of Tartarus, straight for the door and leaving the poor stallion to his fate. Let him figure a way out of the dumb book. It was officially not her problem if he had done it to himself, right?
Cheerilee gasped when she felt something tug on her tail, and she turned her head to see that the bright light had her too. It began reeling her in like a fish. Cheerilee screeched and dug her hooves into the concrete floor, knowing that it was a vain hope that she could escape from the light, but praying that she could break the hold if she just resisted long enough.
With one squeak and tug on her tail, Cheerilee was yanked back and into the unforgiving pages of the wretched comic book. She felt her world spinning for the briefest of moments, then everything went black.
~~~
When she awoke next, it was to the infernal giggling and squealing of Stanley. “Batmare! It’s really you! Ooh, this is another one of the greatest days of my life!”
Cheerilee groggily opened her eyes and raised her head to see Stanley grinning at her, dressed in form-fitting brown tights, a white hood, and a black mask covering the area immediately around his eyes. She groaned and pushed herself up, and felt more restricted in her movements than usual. She frowned and looked down at herself, groaning when she saw her current state of dress.
“Oh for the love of…”
Cheerilee wore what she could only describe as dark gray battle armor with a bright yellow bat insignia emblazoned on the front. Around her waist was a utility belt, and the outfit was complete with a dark gray cape fluttering behind her.
“Like I said,” Cheerilee growled through clenched teeth, “never answering a personal ad again.”
“Now we can fight crime and beat the Orange Imp together, Batmare!” Stanley squeed. “It’s going to be so amazing!”
Cheerilee sighed and felt a slight pressure mounting up behind her eyes. She took a deep breath and put a smile on her face she reserved for those rare moments when a foal was in a heap of trouble, but she didn’t want to upset said foal by blowing her lid.
“Stanley, may I explain something to you?” she asked, her tone honey sweet.
Stanley vigorously nodded and sat down on the ground. “Yes, Batmare! Teach me your crime-fighting ways!”
“Stanley, I’m not Batmare, okay? And while we’re on the subject, my name isn’t Cheerimee either. It’s pronounced Cheerilee.” Cheerilee’s smile flickered ever so slightly. “Do you understand me?” Stanley’s smile faltered, but Cheerilee continued on. “So, here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to get me out of here. I don’t care how. But you’re going to get me out of here, or so help me—“
“I can’t.”
Cheerilee’s eye twitched. “Excuse me?”
“I can’t. Only you can.” Stanley pushed himself to his hooves and walked over to the edge of the building that they were on. “We have to defeat the Orange Imp if we’re going to get out of this. Like I said: adventure!” Stanley’s dumb smile returned. “And speak of...”
‘Speaking of’ was exactly what Cheerilee was about to do when an explosion sent shockwaves through the city, and she stumbled for a brief moment before regaining her balance.
“What was that?” she cried.
“I told you: the Orange Imp!” Stanley ran towards Cheerilee and began bouncing around her in a circle. “This is gonna be so amazing! You’re gonna kick her plot so bad! It’ll be the greatest thing that I’ve ever seen!”
“I’m going to?” Cheerilee glowered at Stanley. “And why can’t you, since you’re the one who got us into this mess?”
“Me?” Stanley snorted and waved his hoof. “I can’t do that. I’m your well-intentioned, but ultimately weak sidekick, Steamer Duck! I’m no match for the likes of The Orange Imp!”
“Did somepony say ‘The Orange Imp?’”
Cheerilee turned, sighing when she saw a unicorn mare wearing form-fitting orange spandex and a goblin mask, riding what looked like a magic powered jet glider, on which rested two brown bags with bit signs etched on them. Even through the mask, Cheerilee could gather that the pony had some sort of slasher smile etched across her face.
The Orange Imp giggled and pointed a hoof at Cheerilee. “Ah, Batmare! How kind of you to join me! You even brought your precious little sidekick, Steamer Duck!” The Orange Imp slammed her hoof on her glider and ignited her horn. “Prepare to face me for the last time, Batmare, for this time you shall meet your doom!”
“Uh…” Cheerilee paused for the briefest of moments, looking between the beaming Stanley and the Orange Imp before sighing. “No.”
“Uh...” The Orang Imp tilted her head. “No?”
“Yes: no.” Cheerilee turned her head and glared at Stanley before tearing her mask off of her head and throwing it on the ground. “Stanley, explain something to me. Exactly when did you decide that forcing an unwilling stranger into a comic book to fight crime for you was the perfect setting for lighting that romantic spark?”
Beside her, Cheerilee heard The Orange Imp gasp. “Billionaire playmare Bright Way! I should have known it was you!”
“What makes you think that you can just… just… well, foalnap me and force me to be in this silly little game of yours?” Cheerilee snarled, ignoring The Orange Imp. “Didn’t you think it would be better to ask if I wanted to do this?”
“So the Steamer Duck was behind this all along? Batmare was just his pawn?” The Orange Imp gasped again. “What a startling revelation!”
Stanley wilted under Cheerilee’s furious glare, and he tried to stutter out a few placating words, but Cheerilee wasn’t done. “Do you really think that I would like this? That at the end of everything I would want to go out on a second date with you?” Cheerilee stomped her hoof on the ground so hard it left cracks in the concrete. “Do you really think that’s the best way to court a mare; that we like this sort of thing?”
“The Batmare and Steamer Duck are courting?” The Orange Imp wolf whistled. “Wait until I tell the others about this!”
Cheerilee gritted her teeth, but ignored The Orange Imp. Stanley was more deserving of her wrath. “Now you listen to me, buster! If you do not get us back this instant, I will make sure that you can’t even so much as look at a comic book again!”
“Ooh, are The Steamer Duck and The Batmare about to throw down?” The Orange Imp giggled. “I should have brought my video camera.”
“You...” Cheerilee growled, but she forced herself to remember that The Orange Imp was, in fact, fictional, and had no bearing on this conversation. She took a deep breath and remained focused on Stanley. “You know, you could really hurt some mare, do you know that? This doesn’t just hurt us; it could really get you into a lot of trouble someday. This. Needs. To. Stop!”
“Uh…” The Orange Imp gently cleared her throat. “Am I intruding on a moment? I can come back so we can fight later, if you want.”
The anger that had been simmering inside Cheerilee reached its boiling point, and she whirled around, turning her glare on The Orange Imp. “Shut up!”
Behind her, Cheerilee heard Stanley snort. “Geez, Cheerilee, your personal ad said you were a teacher. I thought you’d be smarter. You’re not doing this right at all. You’re supposed to fight—”
That did it.
Before anypony could do anything, Cheerilee let out a great cry of pure fury and lifted Stanley over her head. Ignoring his protests, she threw him as hard as she could directly at the Orange Imp. Before The Orange Imp could so much as squeak, Stanley collided with her, knocking her off of her glider and sending them both falling like stones to the street below.
Cheerilee ground her teeth together, staring at the nearby glider and daring it to somehow come alive and make the already horrific day worse. Before she could yell something at it to that effect, a portal opened up in the sky, and she felt herself being sucked towards it. She looked down at the street below and groaned when she saw a giddy Stanley flying up with her. She closed her eyes and facehooved as she went back to reality.
~~~
She never thought that the sight of the back room of a comic book shop would be so welcome to her. For the first time since she had seen her date, Cheerilee managed a small smile.
Oh right. Her date. Cheerilee realized that he was babbling about something.
“… And then you picked me up and were all, like, ‘not today, Orange Imp!’ and you threw me at her, which I guess kinda breaks Batmare’s rule about never brandishing a deadly weapon, but not really, I guess, because Steamer Duck is kinda useless, and then we were falling, and I was bravely shouting in fear, and so was Orange Imp, and…”
Cheerilee gritted her teeth and walked through the door, leaving him to rant about their “adventure.” Before she walked out of the comic book shop completely, she turned around and poked her head back into the room.
“You can return to the place you started, when The Orange Imp is defeated. Take a closer look, to join the adventure in this book!”
“… And then we came back out of the book and… uh… hey, what’s going on? Uh… wait! No! Hang on a second!”
Cheerilee slammed the door and ran as fast as she could.
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Celestia damn it! I didn't make the Stanley connection until I finished the chapter!
Oh c'mon, Cheers! I thought you loved adventure! Think of the bright side. At least it wasn't a Neighponese manga. Those are weird.
4313123 When I was going over that for BronyWriter, I said, "Stanley? That's an awfully strange name for a—Ohhhhhh!"
4313130 If one single tentacle showed up, Stanley would not have made it out alive!
Are you making 1000 chapters? If so, Great Job!
If not, oh well, you tried! 
Like the Stan Lee reference there. Sucks how this one has little to no understanding of romance.
No, Stanley, you idiot! If you want to court a mare, you get an enchanted comic from the romance section! Heck, you might've even had a better chance with an adult/fantasy graphic novel! But battles between superheros and villains, unless they're under very specific circumstances, are not romantic!
Wait... what in the hell kind of comic book (enchanted, no less) would Diamond Tiara have bought? If it was some pony equivalent to those stupid romance comics with the impossibly perfect examples of masculinity that are somehow all alone that they used to try to sell to girls then I have a hard time believing that Cheerilee didn't try it at least once after confiscating it.
The fact that Stanley (ha fucking ha) didn't have the self awareness to at least send her on some ponified version of romancing the stone says a lot about him really.
4313171 I'd like to get to a thousand chapters, but that's a pretty lofty goal. I'll just keep writing and we will see where we get to.
4313159
Damn it! I only just got that. Maybe if he said, "Excelsior!"
4313316 Ooh, why didn't I suggest that? That would have been great!
Somebody's got their comic book universes mixed up.
That should be "emanating", not emulating.
DATEDOKEN! Cheerilee learned from the best.
eto-chudo-poni-igru-drujba.ru/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/cadance_toss_november.gif
4313360 Ah, thank you. That's fixed now.
And it's a comic book shop! They've got lots of universes in there, I'm sure.
4313372
A DC hero taking on a Marvel villain. It was a minor gripe and I still enjoyed it.
4313395 You know, that never even crossed my mind. It probably should have...
4313402
Actually it did happen.
4313316 Same here.
4313308 YOU CAN DO IT!
4313300
Richie Rich?
So, the Mane Six weren't the only ones caught by these trick comics?
I agree with Cheerilee - No more answering personals ads!
Nice chapter!
Do you watch Big Bang Theory?
4315766 I can't answer for BronyWriter, but I do not. I don't have TV hooked up at my house and I don't really want to pay for something like Netflix or Hulu. I don't really enjoy watching TV that much.
4315766 My mother and sister adore it, but I never really cared for it.
4316570
4316611
Well, This Stanley guy was clearly a reference to a real life person, but aldo did Stanley remind me of a guy that own a comic book store that is name stuart in TBBT.
4316652 He's a nod to Stan Lee, the guy who basically started Marvel comics.
As for his personality, he seems like a more jovial version of the Simpson's Comic Book Guy to me.
4316684 I hope you like it!
4316685
Guessed that.
Maybe, but I also think he reminds me of stuart
Well at least on the brightside Cheerilee's Batmare Costume didn't have a belt that could fall down.
4313159 My friend read the comment as I typed it and said that the Stanley connection should be a mod for the Stanley parable where Stan Lee narrates it. I told him he was a genius.
Geek dates for the win!
~Skeeter The Lurker
4327796 That was the first thing that I thought when I watched this new Fluffle Puff short! Those butterflies in Equestria are dangerous!
On one hoof, Cheerilee really could use a fashionable utility belt that both complements her eyes and holds a healthy supply of Awful Date Repellent.
On the other, as soon as Stan pulled them into the comic I expected her to grab a crowbar and go Jason Todd on his stupid flank.
4332197
I love you for this.
A pony called Stanley, with a alter ego, Steamer Duck.
Stanley.
Steamer.
The carpet cleaner.
Cheeri... you might have missed out here. Nerds tend to be obsessed with sex, and quite generous in their love lives. This one seems to prefer certain... activities if his names are anything to judge by.
4336419 I.... I..... Oh my fucking, Ahhhhahhhh!
4332197
Also known as Mace, or Pepper Spray.
Dang it! Now I want to read that story!
I guess Stanley gets out eventually, if the comic auto-generates Batmare. Else, he's trapped forever or until he comes up with a solution or something...
I can't believe there is only, like, two comments acknowledging the Stan Lee reference.
My dad collects comics for a living, and I have to say, NRFB is impressive. (A few school friends have tried to tell me they had something that was "mint condition" and didn't understand that meant "never taken out of the packaging and pristine" and not, simply, "really nicely kept")
Honestly, fighting a battle in an enchanted comic book isn't half-bad! Granted, I would have given her a bit of a heads-up, but hey...it beats Gridiron.