Date Three - Lowering the Bar
“… And so then I ran back to the forty, and I jumped up, I mean, way, way up over the head of the cornerback!” Gridiron said, leaning back in his chair and reaching high overhead. “And the ball was comin’ like it was Hearth’s Warming! I mean, it coulda had a bow on it, ya know?”
“Uh-huh,” Cheerilee sighed, picking at her salad.
“And it just falls right into my hooves!” he continued, “You shoulda seen the look on that cornerback’s face! It was like, uh…” Gridiron stopped for a moment, drumming his hoof on the table as he searched for the word. “Well, it looked kinda like—” Cheerilee sighed again as the stallion made a series of disgusting faces, grunting that each one didn’t feel right. When Gridiron screwed his face up so severely that he sneezed, Cheerilee leapt at the opening.
“You know, that reminds me of the time the foals in my class—” she said, forcing brightness into her voice.
“Yeah, hold on,” Gridiron cut in. “I wasn’t done. Anyway, so this cornerback’s there with this totally hilarious look on his face like I just took a dump on his mother, and since he’s right there, I made sure to ‘accidentally on-purpose’ catch him on the muzzle with my elbow on the way down, if you know what I mean!” Gridiron waggled his eyebrows as Cheerilee looked at her watch. “So he goes down, and the ref blows the whistle, and I’m just there, all innocent-like, tellin’ them that I can’t control where I land.”
“Uh-huh,” Cheerilee said, checking her watch again. Somehow, only five seconds had passed.
“Well, they reviewed the play, and you know refs. They’re all runnin’ around tellin’ each other that the other guy's wrong, and meanwhile, I’m just over there talking to this smokin’ hot cheerleader that the franchise just hired! Oh my god, you should see her!” Gridiron whistled shrilly, tracing the form of a voluptuous mare in the air with his hooves. Cheerilee felt the bit of salad that she’d managed to eat fight to rise from her stomach. “Anyway, they rule it in my favor, and we line up again—”
“You know, I hate to interrupt, but I’ve got to go powder my nose,” Cheerilee said, wincing as the other patrons stared at them. She’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to get Gridiron to lower his booming voice, but he’d been too caught up in his story to pay any attention.
“Oh, I don’t know if you wanna do that!” he said, bursting into a braying laugh. “This joint’s only got one can, and I kinda destroyed it when I went in there like twenty minutes ago.”
Cheerilee fondly remembered those few minutes alone, and was deeply regretting not making a run for it when she’d had the chance.
“You ever have one of those times in there where it feels like it’s gonna tear your flank in two?" Gridiron continued, picking a crouton off of her plate. Leaning back, he flicked the crouton into the air, catching it in his mouth. "It’s like a war. Just you and the turd, fighting it out to see who’s gonna win! It was like that, and, well, it was pretty unflushable. I just left it in there. It was kinda like art, anyway. Ponies are gonna see that and just bug out, ya know?” Gridiron rocked back in his chair and roared with laugher again. “I shoulda signed it or somethin’! Maybe I can get them to hang a plaque!”
Cheerilee desperately scanned the tavern as the Gridiron leaned his head back, nearly crimson from laughing so hard. She briefly caught the eye of the waiter, but after a momentary flash of pity, he put his head down and disappeared through a door into the kitchen. At the other end of the bar, she noticed that the bartender had moved as far away from them as possible and was busying himself with cleaning the already spotless highball glasses.
“You know, I think I’ll go get us some drinks!” Cheerilee said, rising quickly and trotting to the end of the bar before Gridiron could protest. The bartender eyed her warily as she approached.
“I need two of your most complicated, time-consuming drinks!” she whispered to him.
“Hey, grab me a beer, will you?” Gridiron shouted from the table.
“Ignore that,” she said, wincing. “I don’t care if you have to invent something, as long as it takes,” Cheerilee checked her watch again, “at least half an hour to make!” Cheerilee felt her heart drop as the bartender’s eyes slid to her right.
“Yeah, I figure we could just hang out here at the bar from now on anyway,” Gridiron said, pulling out a stool and dropping heavily onto it. “Gimme a beer,” he said absently to the bartender.
“Uh, what kind?” the bartender said, reaching for a pint glass. “We’ve got a pilsner from—”
“Do I look like some kinda stupid mare to you?” Gridiron snapped. “Find me a dopplebock! Light beer is for pansy-stallions!”
“Oh, I do think I have a keg of doppelbock way, way, way in the back, somewhere. It might take a little while to find,” the bartender said, pursing his lips as he disappeared into the kitchen. Cheerilee stared after him with undisguised envy.
“Good idea, babe!” Gridiron said, leaning to one side to aggressively scratch his flank. “I like it when a mare gets a few drinks in her! My dad had it right. He always said ‘fermented wheat puts the mares in heat!'” Gridiron exploded into laughter again, banging his hoof on the bar.
Okay, enough is enough! Cheerilee thought. I can’t stand this cretin any longer! Clearing her throat, Cheerilee began fixing her saddlebags into place. “You know, I’ve had… ah… quite a night, but I’ve got to get going! I’ve got to get up bright and early for the foals!”
“Hey!” Gridiron said, frowning. “You can’t just up and leave like this!”
“Oh, I’m afraid I can, and I will!” Cheerilee snapped, dropping all pretense of politeness. “I think we’re done here.”
“Well, you’re gonna settle up the bill, right?” Gridiron said as Cheerilee made for the exit. “I didn’t bring any bits with me. Hey, come back here!”
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That Gridiron just never shuts up. And apparently he eats a LOT of fiber.
HAH! Classic Jock.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3497090 Yeah… that Gridiron… he's quite a stallion.
3497140 I have known so many of these dudes...
3497153
Same. But think rednecks with tractors instead.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Someone needs to punch that guy in the face.
Hey, Rainbow, I think we found the perfect date for you.
3497160 I'm from Kentucky. I've known my share of that, as well. Plus, you ever been to the Central Valley in California? Man, Fresno is one of the redneckiest places I've ever been!
3497170 Gridiron is a catch. The kind you're really happy to throw back.
3497189
I've lived in the panhandle of Maryland.
Literally right across the river from West Virginia. They liked to have yearly KKK Rallies.
Those were fun... To avoid.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3497199 Holy crap! West Virginia! That place… I never had any good experiences there.
3497203
Gee. I wonder why... Haha.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Moar.
Now.
Don't take so long that Fluterrage would have to get involved. She can be so hard to control.....
Oh, man, these are all gold so far. Definitely plan on keeping up with this one.
Let me know if you need a guest chapter sometime. I'd be happy to try my hand at one of these.
3497611 Oh, I think it's pretty safe to say that these will be coming at least once a week.
3498484 Hey, thanks! I'm glad you like it. It really means a lot when well-respected authors swing by and read my stuff!
And I think you can count on me giving you a call for a chapter at some point. I can come up with all kinds of crazy situations, but I do have my limits. A thousand creatively terrible dates is a lot for any one author.
3497170 Actually, I think Rainbow Dash can do better than some prick who loves the sound of his own voice. Having the same interests doesn't help if he's the only one doing the talking.
3498605 Oh, you're probably right! I took that to mean that Rainbow was the most likely pony to just punch the guy in the face, but I do believe you've interpreted that correctly!
3498605 [Double Post. Ignore this.]
3498786 Or, maybe it's a prank at Rainbow's expense, and she ends up punching the self-absorbed schmuck in the face. That works, too.
3498813 Whatever ends with Gridiron getting a face full of hoof is good in my book. I hate that guy nearly as much as I hate Slipstream.
3498605
I fail to see the part where you distinguished him from Rainbow Dash.
If you add one extra date you could get "Cheerilee's One Thousand and One Equestrian Nights".
3499062 Hey, at least Dashie would let you get a word in edgewise. And honestly, she's not nearly as self-absorbed as this dock-hole.
3501059 admittedly, she isn't as bad as this guy, but they are a pretty good match.
3501550 You're right on all counts. I don't know what I would do without you guys to find this stuff. I've read that chapter at least twenty times, and still, look at all the typos. Sigh.
Not sure how much of a break ol' Cheerilee is going to be getting in this story. The whole point is that each date is awful. I'm trying to make them awful in different ways, though. Like the one that I'm writing currently is actually with a nice stallion, but luck just isn't on their side that day.
“Well, you’re gonna settle up the bill, right?” Gridiron said as Cheerilee made for the exit. “I didn’t bring any bits with me. Hey, come back here!”
poor, POOR Cheerilee!
Such a JERK!!
I read this and thought of murder. Need to cut back on the Dexter episodes.
Can I kill him now?
"Pal, seriously? You're an ass and I'm out of here. Don't bother to ever call me again."
Gridiron is liek a big a-hole.
I'm glad she stiffed him! Looks like he'll be washing dishes tonight!
She totally should've clocked him in the face before she left, but sticking him with the bill will have to do.
Gridiron is so sexist.
Oh good lord. These dates just keep being one entertaining train-wrecks after another. This one had me in stitches
.
This guy is just so full of himself. His head is so far up his plot that he has to open his mouth to see. Funny thing is even with his claptrap open constantly he still couldn't see just how bad his date is going.
It occurred to me that you could rename this series to "How not to Act on Your Date."
Looking forward to the next one. These are very entertaining.
Thanks for writing these entertaining stories.
3497189
Fresno is definitely something. That's for sure. Nice area though. I'm from the bay area and I really love when my family goes on drives through there.
Dumb Grridiron. You DON'T talk about OTHER mares when you're dating a mare.
4563588 You also don't drone on, and you ALWAYS at least offer to take the bill, but he didn't listen.
For some reason I read Gridiron's lines in the Scout's voice from TF2.
What a big turd! No one wants to go into an establishment and see and smell that.
Oh and what he left in the toilet was pretty awful, too.
Ba dum, tish.
And he didn't bring any bits with him. What a class act. Lemme guess. "Don't sweat it, junior! That's what tabs are for. Gimme another beer, would ya? Put it on my tab."
So, are Gridiron's parents married?
His and his father's sexism raises questions about gender politics/equality in this Equestria?
I'm gonna leave a comment on every chapter, that's hopefully insightful, or at least intriguing, if not exactly on point, unfortunately. ... Perhaps I should stop...