Date One - A Trip to Sugarcube Corner
Officer Turnkey sat down across from the weary mare, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and tapping them against the desk. “So, let’s go over this, Miss…”
“Cheerilee,” the mare answered miserably.
“Right,” the officer said, shaking out a cigarette. Raising his eyebrows, he glanced down at the pack and then to Cheerilee, offering the cigarette to the trembling teacher. “Smoke?”
“Oh, no! No,” Cheerilee answered, curling her lip slightly. “But thank you,” she continued, swallowing.
“Suit yourself,” the stallion said, shrugging. With practiced ease, he pulled out the cigarette and lit it, shaking out the match’s flame. Pulling out an ashtray, he casually tossed the blackened matchstick into it. “So tell me again, how did you two end up covered in frosting inside Sugarcube Corner at twelve-thirty in the morning?”
“I’ve already told—” Cheerilee spat at him before stopping to sigh. Looking at it from the police’s perspective, she couldn’t blame them. Even she couldn’t believe how the night had turned out. “Fine, whatever. Where do you want to start?”
“Let’s start with when you two got together,” Turnkey said, picking up his pen and twirling it in his hoof.
“Like I said before, we decided to meet up at Café Paitre for a late night dinner,” Cheerilee said, rubbing her aching forehead.
“It says here that you weren’t meeting until ten o’ clock,” Turnkey said, cocking an eyebrow at her. “That’s pretty late for a blind date, don’t you think?”
“I had papers to grade, and I wasn’t going to be done until then.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to just pick a different day?” Turnkey said, blowing out a thick cloud of smoke.
“I always have papers to grade!” Cheerilee snapped, rubbing her eyes. She’d been up nearly twenty-four hours at this point, and the constant smoking that these officers did was irritating her eyes.
“Whoa, there!” Turnkey said, throwing his hooves up to ward off her anger. “I’m just trying to get the facts straight.”
Setting her elbow on the desk, Cheerilee leaned her head on her hoof, cupping her cheek. “Yes, it was late, but that's when we both had time,” she said, staring off into the corner of the room. “Does that work for you?” she continued, flicking her eyes back to the husky officer and giving him a flat stare.
“Whatever you say, ma’am,” he said, tapping his pen against the table. “So then what happened?”
“We talked for a bit, and then we ordered some food.” Cheerilee rubbed her temples, half-hoping that she could erase the night’s events from her mind if she just massaged hard enough.
“And that’s where he tried to poison you?”
“NO!” the mare shouted, her eyes blazing. Turnkey rocked back in his chair. “I keep telling you ponies that he never tried to poison me! He wouldn’t have eaten the mushroom if he'd thought it was poisonous!”
“Okay, okay!” Turnkey said, stubbing out his cigarette and reaching for another. “Jeez, calm down, lady! The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can go home.”
“You’re the one who brought up poisoning!”
“Well, he was poisoned, lady!”
“It was an accident!” Cheerilee yelled, slamming her hoof on the desk. “He’s a botany grad student at Baltimare University and he’s here doing research for his thesis.”
“In Ponyville?” Turnkey said skeptically.
"Well, in the Everfree Forest. That’s where he got the mushroom,” Cheerilee said, sighing. “I told him that maybe he should check it before cutting it up and putting in his pasta, but he said he was sure that it was some gourmet delicacy.”
“And did he, or did he not, try to put this delicacy in your alfredo?”
“He offered to give me some, but I said no. It’s not like he tried to hide it in there!”
The officer stared at Cheerilee for a moment, tapping out an impatient rhythm on the desk with his pen. “And how long after this 'delicacy' did you say it took him to… um, 'freak out', as you put it?”
“As I also put it the first three times, about forty-five minutes. Right when dessert was being served.”
“And you said that his mind had been awakened to the cruelty that we as a species have inflicted on desserts, and he needed to… err… free them?”
Cheerilee lowered her head onto her hooves, closing her eyes as the nightmarish memory of the date played through her mind again. “Yes,” she said wearily. “He said he'd attained enlightenment and that it was time to right the great wrongs that we’d committed.”
“And how exactly did you respond to that?” Turnkey said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette and blowing the smoke out in rings.
“Look, I’m not an idiot,” Cheerilee said, rolling her eyes. “I went to college. I experimented. I could see that his pupils were over-dilated, even in that light. It wasn’t too difficult to put two and two together.”
“And then he broke into Sugarcube Corner?”
Cheerilee nodded glumly. “It’s right across the street. He said that he could hear the pastries crying out for freedom.”
“And you decided to help with this pastry prison break?”
“Of course not!” Cheerilee said, pursing her lips. “Don’t be an idiot! He was trying to break down my friend’s door. I was trying to calm him down and get him to go to the hospital!”
“But instead you went inside,” the officer said, doodling a stick figure pony into the edge of his report.
“No, I was dragged inside when he busted the door down!” Cheerilee exclaimed. “I was trying to pull him away, but he was too strong! He broke the door down and we flew into the display stand!” Cheerilee lowered her head to the desk, sighing in relief at the metal’s cool touch. “He hit the donuts and cakes at full tilt. There was frosting everywhere.”
“So you didn’t pay for your meal at Café Paitre, I take it?” Turnkey said, leaning forward and pointing his pen at her.
“Oh, for pete’s sake...”
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Pfffftttt. Nice one.
I can see poor Cheerilee will be focus of many a joke.
I can't wait.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Some date that turned out to be. Wonder what other sort of hijinks poor Cheerilee's gotten involved in on her many akward dates.
Poor,poor Cheerilee! Her first date became
4/5 in crazyness on the derpy grade
Oh lord, poor, poor Cheerilee indeed.
Edits, 'cause I'll feel guilty if I don't point them out:
–Well, in the Everfree Forest. That’s where he got the mushroom,” Cheerilee said, sighing.
There was a quote mark missing from the beginning of Cheerilee's dialogue.
–“And how long how long after this “delicacy” did you say it took him to… um, “freak out”, as you put it?”
This bit. Also, to my knowledge, when one writes a character using quite marks inside their dialogue, I believe those quote marks should be singular ones. But I'm not entirely sure about the rules of this.
–“I went to college. I experimented. I could see that his pupil were over-dilated, even in that light. It wasn’t too difficult to put two and two together.”
*Pupils.
This fic shall be enjoyable in a morbid sense, I foresee. I just hope poor Cheerilee gets a break once in a while!
As a former enforcer of the law I find this rather hilarious. Cops like this exist, everypony, they're out there. I've seen them...
3546100
something something cavity search
I think that the cop is trying to reach his quota.
I'm just glad Pinkie wasn't there. The resulting food fight would be... apocalyptic.
I don't get it.
BWAHAHAHAHA! I am so going to binge read this!
This is good. I am going to enjoyed these stories.
You don't leave cakes out overnight unless they are in a cooler. Maybe they busted through the glass display...Will tract.
Do these come in any particular order?
Are there really going to be a thousand chapters?
This is great.
Dang, I love this officer.
lol that was funny, I like it.