Prayer is the last refuge of the desperate, and Celestia is beyond desperation. Out of options, she chooses to chase a half-remembered prophecy to lands far beyond her own.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 28th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 6th, 2022
ArguingPizza
And then there's this asshole.
ArguingPizza
Joined 28th Apr, 2012 ·
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nice refferance to the title. an old YYH thing. right?
3441185
No, actually, but I was a fan of that.
I do like this to be honest. It is nice to see groups of humans used in a fashion that is new. I like the fact that you don't depict them as evil, you don't depict them as good. I like the fact that I can very easily see humans acting in this fashion. I hate the fact that is is so rear on this site.
this was awesome!
great job!
You could say humans with what we have could be called gods ourselves. We can destroy whole worlds with bombs the size of a car. Changelings would be no match for us. Our knowledge makes us a force to be reckon with.Not surprise that Celestia would ask humans to help what she can't do. As much as Celestia and Luna and Discord have power we could show them that raw strength is nothing to our brain.
This has MASSIVE potential to be an exceptionally good longer (10000-20000 word) story. I especially liked your descriptiveness. You've got a good thing here, keep it going, maybe write some chapters on the encounters of the guards or he changelings themselves.
Even so, an excellent one-chapter story.
Interesting. I like how humanity's involvement is kept shadowy and uncertain, told from insane victim/survivors. Hard to pin down exactly what era they're from, but still...
Enjoyable.
Review: Forlorn Hope, ArguingPizza, 19/02/2014
Hmm, I’m not sure how I feel about this story. I kind of like it’s mysterious, shadowy narrative, but half the time I’m not sure what it’s trying to get at. The meaning gets lost halfway in a logical gap that’s too wide. It’s a bit like how you try to describe something without outright telling it out, but the description misses by a bit, and the reader ends up confused, or worse, with something completely opposite.
But before all that, this is cheezesauce, sent in from WRITE. Now let’s delve into the story.
Looking at the cover, I guess the synopsis does somewhat make me want to read on, though it does sound a little cliché. I do like how it’s got that half ominous, half adventure sort of feel, but I think it can be improved by writing it as “Out of her last remaining options...” rather than “Out of options...” This is because following the prophecy is itself an option. And it feels a little clunky currently.
There are two main things that I want to bring up for this review, and they are description and plot. The description is what stands out most for this story, though that may not always be a good thing. Heavy description makes the story more difficult to read, as compared to dialogue or just simple narrative, because more words are being used to describe fewer things.
Your paragraphs are big, daunting walls of text. Sometimes it’s because you try to cram too much information within the same paragraph. Or perhaps you were writing about something, and then after it’s done you decide to add on another point to it, so you just stick it there and move on without checking if it fits together.
Take the 4th paragraph in your story for example. That one was so heavily loaded that it slowed down my pace of reading. There are quite a few things happening in there. I had read it closely to get everything in. Using long sentences also makes matters worse, with many of them spanning across multiple lines.
Next, let’s talk about the plot.
Earlier on I said that this story has some sort of mysterious feel to it, and I guess part of the reason why is that I’m not quite sure what the story is trying to get at. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Probably bad, because if someone asks me what I’ve read, I wouldn’t be sure at all.
Well, I got the part where Twilight was held hostage by the changelings and Celestia had to seek assistance. But how people identify those super-powered mercenaries as humans? I’m baffled. The only thing that hinted that there were humans in this story was the ‘human’ tag itself, and perhaps the flying arrow, which could actually be used by ponies anyway, so the link is weak. Also, it isn’t clear where Celestia travelled to, or what the “Sweeping Sea” and “Jungle” is anyway. If those are not special names given, meaning that you’re just talking about seas and jungles, then they shouldn’t even be capitalized. And similarly, “the Collective” shouldn’t be capitalized in the extract below, unless it’s a special given name.
Actually, I would have missed the part about the humans if I didn’t scroll through the comments. It was only then did I notice the human tag. Hmm, I wonder how the heck everyone else found that out then.
To sum it up, what makes this story interesting is its description, but it acts as a double edged sword, weighing down the writing and making it harder to digest. At its best, description should help flesh out a scene vividly without disrupting the flow. There’s very little dialogue, which has been traded off for narration to drive the story. The plot itself is rather hazy and not established. Overall though, this isn’t too bad a read, but it can be improved on.
Hope this helps. Keep writing!
--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.
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