- Member Since 10th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Twinkletail
I write poni. I am easily distracted. I like Oreos.
Twinkletail
Joined 10th Jul, 2012 ·
Offline
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That title is the worst pun ever.
Damn, for being your first mature story this is really good, both the start and the sex. I really like the amount of details that you put into your story, it makes it very immerse. The characters stay true to their personalities (and that is not always easy to make them do) and the switch from the "normal" story to the sex was really sweet.
Sure, there a couple of grammatical errors (but I ain't better myself so don't worry) but other than that I can't really find anything "wrong".
Except the possibility that Rainbow Dash didn't get any "love" if you know what I mean. *hint hint*
That is about the only thing I can think of to make the story better. Make the sex a bit longer by adding some pleasure/sex scene to Dash.
But as I said: Good amount of details and immersion. You have a good talent for writing stories.
PS: You also gave me some good ideas on how to improve/continue on my own story so a big thanks.
3452501 what's worse is, I would have never realized if you never said that. I think that's a double
Quite good for a first-timer.
The cliché, it burns
3452846
Using clichés isn't always a bad thing. I liked it, but I guess it differs from people to people.
Cute.
Should be "Each nuzzle".
Cute enough story.
Sadly I think the In Cider pun is a bit of a waste on this particular story. Especially without trading attached. Though if you ever write a sequel, it should totally be called In Cider Trading.
3457753
I'm blaming that typo on my phone
Fixed, thanks!
Here is a link to the song in which this pun is used at the 2:11 mark. The song is Words, Words, Words by Bo Burnham, enjoy
3457915
Oh, nice. I like Bo Burnham but didn't know he used that line
3457753 Or maybe "Inside Her Trading." (Boo, bad pun!)
I like this story i give it
out of 10
Crazy hot good my friend glad you chose to make a sequel
P.s. I see what you did there. In cider, because she had cider inside her
Maybe it's just me, but the whole hitting thing at the start kind of ruined the rest for me. I realize both ponies are fairly "rough and tumble," but friends who hit a friend in the face don't stay friends, and they certainly don't get invited to bed for fun times that night.
Can we... do we get to see what happens the next day? I mean, I hate to use the line, but you did kinda leave it open-ended...