An adult (odd as that sounds) who reads MLP but mostly writes Mass Effect. New FoE story coming after NaNo 2013 editing is complete.
When the megaspells and balefire bombs went off, turning Equestria into a brutal, deadly wasteland, thousands of ponies survived in the underground Stables. But when the radiation levels dropped, and the all-clear signal was given, Stable 92 decided to remain sealed, to ignore the outside world a little while longer. Of course, in the Wastes, nothing can remain buried forever, no matter how much they want to.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Make paragraphs bro.
3555658 *sigh* It was double spaced when I had it on google docs. Fixed, thank you.
good so far
So good so far... I should learn from you....
3681101 Thanks! Though I'm not sure how ... mostly I just sit down and write, and then have my friends go through my doc with a whole package of red pens to tell me where I screwed everything up.
3681117 Ah. Well, check out my fanfic. Fallout: Equestria - Resurgence
It took me awhile to get started. I already had the story line (so far) in hand, for it's based off of an FoE RP I'm playing on nationstates, I just needed to think of how to start; which I did, and I like it.
Yep.
I just wrote a review for someone else. I'm considering looking over this one next. (Sometime tomorrow, or Friday.) Just giving you a heads up!
- Derpcookie
3901695 Bring it on.
I look forward to seeing your comments!
I've been reading your story, and while I'm nowhere close to being done with it (I still have to read the other chapters that are out) I've been developing a general consensus. Mainly on your writing, and not so much the actual story. If you would like me to tell you what I think now, leave a reply. If you would rather wait for me to tell what I think after I've gone through the rest of the currently posted story, that would be good too. Just now, that if I do give you my current thoughts little to none of it will be about the actual story.
- Derpcookie15
3925590 However you like - I'm used to most people (on fanfic.net anyway) giving me comments chapter-by-chapter, but feel free to include more general comments as they strike you.
Alright, here we go! It's time now for the review! (yay~)
If you've read any of my reviews before, you'll know that what I say -- I say honestly. If you detect even a faint amount of anger, it was not intentional. I by no means want to make this negative. As a critic of this story (so far) I want to help you, the author, become better. With that said, let's get on to the review!
Firstly, I want to address the things I like about your story. Because those will take up a good chunk of the first half.
I can tell you've been writing for a bit now. You know your way around words, and your vocabulary is decent. Every word that you use, you use properly, and effectively. There is little repetition in this (the use of the same world again and again i.e: The man ate the fork with the spoon in the kitchen with the dinner on the plate. The was the overused word.) This is so good, because often I will find that people do this. Note: That it's fine to have the same word appear again in the same sentence, but when every other word is the same then some diversity is needed.
I like the pacing of your story. Events come, and go at en even pace. Conversation move by smoothly and even the movement (when they are traveling) is done well. Speaking of pacing, conversation, and that sort of stuff. I wanted to point out that your dialogue is also very nice.
The speech is organic. There wasn't really a time I sat there and didn't think, "Ah god that line really sucked." Or, "You know, that could have been said better." Dialogue such as this is crucial to a good, effective narrative. Additionally, you give every character a fair amount of dialogue. Which ultimately makes the story more believable as we know that the other characters aren't just standing idly all the whole time.
From what I've read, your story at this current point in time is rather simplistic. That is not at all a bad thing. Actually, it is probably the best thing to do when writing an FoE story. Just a simple go from point A to point B adventure with some stuff thrown in for interesting flavor. (The stable attack for instance.)
You're characters aren't that bad. From what I can tell we follow the story of three ponies.
1. Rubble
2. Dulcimer
And...
3. Sparks
Now, to prevent myself from spoiling the story altogether for future potential readers, I'll stop discussing the narrative at this time. Not only that, but there isn't too much to talk about at this current time as the story is still kicking off. But I digress...
These three are our group of brave adventurers who will traverse the harsh, and unforgiving wasteland. I am a firm believer that the basis of a character should be built in the first 1 to 2 chapters. And you do this effectively. They all talk to each other in chapter 1, and we get an idea of who they are. We know where they live. They're friends, lives, what they do for work etc. You know, all that basic stuff. Which is exactly what we need. It makes the characters that much more believable.
The only gripe I have is that their personalities, while fine, aren't that complex. There are a few traits that make them, but they are hardly noticeable. (At least for me.) The prologue had me wondering a whole lot about who these characters were, and how deep did they go. Though to be fair, this story is still in its early stage. Once more chapters come out, I'm sure you'll make these characters grow.
Those were the things I liked about your story. But, we all know what is coming up next. Yep, the negatives. Alright, let's get this started...
Oddly enough, one might expect that I would say something along the lines of: The narrative was flawed! But really there isn't any main issues I had with it. Your story, in terms of a story, is just fine. Simple, sweet, and straight to the point. However, my biggest gripes lay ironically, with your writing.
I know that I said it was okay, and good. But, like all forms of writing, it is not without flaw. And boy does yours have some flaws.
Firstly, let's cover the spacing of your paragraphs. You switch out from non-spaced paragraphs -- to neatly spaced TABed ones. I mean what the heck? What happened here? I'm sure that within an a hour or so of editing you can fix that, but I strongly recommend that you do not keep them all spaced differently for too long. It can be a real turn off for some people. Especially for people like me. I see that, and sometimes it comes off as a sign that you're a lazy author, or you have a lazy editor.
Real quick though, I wanted to point out that your lack of grammatical errors really pulled me away from uncertain spacing. I'm not kidding. Did you edit this yourself? Because you did a fine job of cleaning it up. I think I saw one error somewhere, but I'm not completely sure I even did. That alone is commendable. I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Back to the negatives.
The biggest gripe I have with this is simple... Your description. More specifically, your world description. I can envision ponies moving in the world. I can see what they are doing, and how their faces look. But the world... It's like a blank silhouette of shapes, and outlines. A good example of this is in the following paragraph from chapter 1:
Sighing, she trotted down the halls, heading for one of the several stairwells connecting the levels. Shovel was probably out in Expansion Two along with Blueprint, and they really hated her being late. Oh, they appreciated her work well enough, but Rubble tended towards being a night owl instead of an early riser like the rest of the construction crew.
I'll ask you a some brief questions.
1. What do the hallways look like in terms of color?
2. Are they narrow, or wide?
3. Are there other ponies passing by her? Or is there some other activity going on?
4. What does it smell like? What is the temperature of the air?
Good description does not need all of these to be present at the same time. But when I (let's say I'm a new reader to FoE and I want to browse the side stories) read this. How am I supposed to picture it? With 4 words you can make this image more vivid. 4! That's hardly anything at all! Yet, it's those five words that make the difference. Here is what it looks like with a little detail added:
Sighing, she trotted down the narrow grey halls, heading for one of the several short stairwells connecting the various levels of the stable. Shovel was probably out in Expansion Two along with Blueprint, and they really hated her being late. Oh, they appreciated her work well enough, but Rubble tended towards being a night owl instead of an early riser like the rest of the construction crew.
See? Just think of how much more vivid that looks. And once you've established what the environment is, than you won't need to describe it in detail later.
Granted, you do provide some description, and sometimes it gives us a better picture of the scene your writing about is. But about 70% of the time, I didn't know what anything looked like.
Another, brief example:
Cinder looked away, staring out a gap in the wall towards the smoky column where the bodies of the dead fanatics still smoldered. “You have a better idea, I’m all ears.” The unicorn winced, ears flattening against his skull. “Yeah, me neither. Even with everything we have, we can’t turn this town into a fort, not forever. We need more friends than just the villagers up here in Roam.”
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on here... There are bodies burning? When was that mentioned? And now there is a wall? When did they leave the ceiling? See what I mean? You don't tell us enough.
In conclusion to this review. I enjoyed reading what you have so far. Despite the flaws I've mentioned I think that a good, honest amount of work was poured into making this. I'm going to watch you so that I can be on the lookout for future chapters. Once you've had some time to build this up, I'll come back and see how you've improved.
With that said, I'll leave a like. As the story did entertain me.
- Derpcookie15
3934706
Huh. I hadn't noticed that, but it might be an issue from uploading chapters. I'll take a look at it.
Mostly, yes. I do strive for, and every once in a while reach, a 0% spelling/grammar mistake rate.
Alright. I admit to being a little more ... minimalist in this than some of my other writing, because I would honestly be shocked if someone's introduction to FoE was my fic.
3934898
Yeah, I'm not kidding. Your editing skills are fantastic. I'm thoroughly impressed.
Is this dead? Are you dead? When does Sunset Shimmer appear?
5166399 Um ... yeah, this is pretty dead. I was never happy with the stuff I was rewriting, and my plan to add Sunset Shimmer as a ghoul wouldn't have appeared for a few chapters anyway.
Skills at 100 by level 5 seems a bit over the top.
Where is Sunshim?