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Lucky Dreams

Joined March 2012
225 followers

It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. 'Oh look,' cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever. The end.

Stories (7)

Blog Posts (16)


There's a new colt in town who's fallen head over hooves for Sweetie Belle – if only he could overcome his shyness and confess his true feelings to her!

5 stars on Equestria Daily -- March 18th 2012

First Published
13th Mar 2012
Last Modified
13th Mar 2012

Comments ( 96 )

#1 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

Ooo, A Sweetie Bell romance. My interest is peaked!

#2 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

This story can only be described as, "D'awwwww!" Seriously though, this was a nice short fic that gave me a warm feeling inside. Kudos.

#3 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

Eenteresting... veeeery eentersting... TRACKED! :rainbowkiss:

#4 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

D'awwwwwwwwwww

#5 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

Wow, wow,  this is now my #1 favorite short fic.  I really have no criticism on this one.  I love the use of the postcard illustrations.  Usually (in my opinion) illustrations distract from the story, but in this case I think it added a lot to actually see them.  Bravo.  :pinkiehappy:  Thumbs up and can't wait to see what else you write.

#6 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

Yay, comments!

>>318090 Glad it made you feel that way :pinkiesmile:

>>318097 >>318199 :pinkiehappy:

>>318774 Thank you so much- I couldn't have hoped for a better comment than that!

#7 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

There gonna be any follow up to this?:fluttershysad: I meant that to look pleading.

#8 · 110w, 1d ago · · ·

>>319684 I wasn't planning on it, but I'm very flattered that ponies want me to carry on with it. We'll see. In the meantime, I've got other stuff planned :pinkiesmile:

#9 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

That was nice! :pinkiehappy:

#10 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

>>332034 Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

#11 · 109w, 4d ago · · ·

The ending made my heart explode. You get a star, thumbs up, and watcher.

#12 · 109w, 3d ago · · ·

>>333407 And to think I was convinced that everypony was going to hate this story! Thank you so much, this comment's really made my day :twilightsmile:

#13 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

You know what this is? This is heart warming.

Im serious. Holy hoof and horsefeathers, this is good.

#14 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

This is so cute. Warms my heart right up.


sequel?

#15 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

It seemed really, really quickly paced. I feel you could have extended some scenes to add more romantic tension. This was a pretty good well written story besides that and ill be waiting for your other work :scootangel:

#16 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Saw this on EqD, read it, and went... DAWWW

Perhaps you should continue.:pinkiehappy:

#17 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·
#18 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Saw this on EQD, and wow! There are just so many d'aww moments, I don't even know where to begin! :pinkiehappy:

First off: So. Adorable. :heart: This has to be the sweetest little one-shot I've ever read, and you had me smiling the whole way through. :twilightsmile: I loved Rainy Day from the get-go, and just everything about this fic was awesome! Your characterizations of the Cutie Mark Crusaders were spot on, and your writing style flows smoothly, without a single hitch. It truly was a very enjoyable read. :raritywink:

Insta-fave! :scootangel:

#19 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

D'aaaaaaw:pinkiehappy:

#20 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Short, sweet, no gaping flaws.  Approved.

Though I do have to wonder... art-hoof?  Seems like a bit of a stretch.

#21 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>339595 Thanks! :pinkiesmile:

>>339616 I grew quite fond of Rainy Day and his mum when I was writing this, so I may well write about them again. Otherwise, I wasn't planning a direct sequel... although I'm really thrilled that ponies enjoyed this story enough that they're asking for one, so thanks for the comment!

>>339619 When I write, I tend to write loads and loads and loads... and then suddenly lose all confidence in it and cut it down to within an inch of it's life :facehoof: . It's keeps my stuff from getting too wordy, but on the other hoof, it also means that a lot of what I write is too fast paced for it's own good. Still. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for watching me :pinkiehappy:

>>339714 Check yo inbox :raritywink:

>>339770 :ajsmug:

>>339775 That's exactly the kind of comment that makes writing fanfic worthwhile! Also, thanks for the watch :yay:

>>339823 :scootangel:

>>339837 Egh, don't remind me! I put it in there on the assumption I'd think of a better name for it later, and then sort of just... forgot. If that sounds like a lame excuse, that's because it is, but unfortunately it's also the truth :fluttershyouch: . I can always change it in the future, mind.

#22 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

did anyone else have the "Up" theme playing in their heads for this?

#23 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>339905

well I do NOW!

#24 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

d'awwwwwww.:rainbowkiss:

#25 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>339905 Funnily enough, I got the idea for this story whilst watching that film. I don't know if I succeeded or not ('cos I mean, man, Up is an absolute masterpiece), but with the ending where the balloon's floating over the Arctic Circle, I was trying to create a similar sort of feeling to the last shot of Up, where you find out that the house has landed right where it was supposed to, yet none of the main characters know about it...

Ah sorry, I'm starting to ramble. I'll stop now!  

>>339945 :pinkiesmile:

#26 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>339954 you captured it perfectly!  this is one of the best stories on this site i've found!  major props, can't wait to see what out turn out next!

#27 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

The ending was just too good! Great fic!

#28 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Nearly sentences before the dream scene, an enigmatic  feeling overcame me. I can honestly say, I've never felt anything like it. An almost erie sensation, yet warm and endearing. Its probably related to me being tired, but it still scarred the stuffing out of me. :rainbowderp:

As for the story itself, fantastic premise and execution. Imagining it all had me spilling over with chuckles and innocent childhood memories.

Thank you for this beautiful experience. :twilightsmile:

#29 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>340010 :pinkiehappy:

>>340114 What a lovely, lovely comment! Thank you! :twilightsmile:

#30 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

The amount of adorable in this story is inconceivable. Bravo! And the use of the postcard images was a great touch. Multimedia! :)

#31 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Well, I hope you're happy, Lucky.  You just gave me diabetes with this sweet little story.:twilightsmile:

#32 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Oh man, it's almost 5am and I've gotta be up at 9! Totally worth it to see all these comments coming in mind :pinkiehappy:

***

>>340159 I'm really glad somepony mentioned the postcards. Those took so much longer to do than I thought they would!

>>340178 I'm happy alright. Very happy :ajsmug:

#33 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

It was okay. Though, I have some problems with the story like sentences that could be better rephrased.

My biggest peeve though, is that Rainy Day was cut straight to Carousel Boutique in mid paragraph. Right after he's grunting “Arrrg!” in pain when he steps down from his bed, he's already there, just a few steps away. I think that needs to be lengthened in detail and separated by a page break to him arriving.

#34 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Haven't had a fanfiction give me such feels in a while. This is just wonderful. At times, I was happy, then I was sad, then I was happy again!

Stop playing with my emotions and take my love! :heart:

#35 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

So Good!

Want More! :derpytongue2:

#36 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

So much "daaaaaw"

#37 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

This was excellent. Sweet and light as a glass of lemonade.

I am a little confuzzled, tho--- I infer is it supposed to be that Sweetie Belle wrote the fake card, but it's not really made explicit.

#38 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

I tried to fight the cute. Failed.

#39 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Very nice. I d'awwed. : )

Some notes:

“Mother and father are going to be here any minute...”  – Father should be capitalized, since it's being used as a name.

“...attempted it before- not seriously anyway, the idea was much too frightening- so how...” – Those should be em dashes (–) with no leading or trailing spaces. Hyphens can't be used parenthetically. (Also, em dashes are used to indicate a hard cutoff in dialogue or thought, so they should replace the hyphens in lines like “Um, can’t I just-”)

“...his wings seemed to had frozen...” – That should be “have frozen”. Alternatively, just “seemed frozen” works too.

“...pushed everything into place making him queasier than ever...” – That should have a comma: “...place, making...” Alternatively, “...place and made him queasier than ever...”

“...imagine her sat on the end...” – Should be “sitting”. If you want to preserve the past tense without rearranging the sentence, then a different verb should be employed, such as “perched.” – N.B. I looked this one up after I noticed that you used it again later, and discovered that it's an idiom from England. In American English (and other forms of English?), that phrase jumps out as looking wrong.

“What’s he wrote?”  – Should be “written” or “writing.”

“Shanghay” – Nice. : D

 “Ah shucks Scoots...” – The typical spelling of that is “aw.”

“...unable to tare his eyes away...” – That should be “tear”.

“...said Sweetie Bell as she peered out of...” – Typo on her name.

“Look here, we made just fine after Mom.” – You're missing a word after “made.” Made do, made it, or alternatively, got by.

“...ribbons of light and hold their hooves in silence...” – That reads as though they're each holding their own hooves. I recommend either “hold hooves” or “hold each other's hooves.”

“Her white fur was exactly the way he remembered...” and “...make his fur stand up...” Edit: oops, missed one: "She had a white coat of fur..." – Horses have a coat made up of hair, not fur.

“...drifting out of his life like a balloon on the wind...” – Do ho ho, I see what you did there.

“...caring ‘lil...” – The way I've always seen that written is li'l.

“...he leant forward...” – This is a Britishism; that form of “lean” has almost disappeared from American English, so it looks strange. Also, a few lines below this, you say that Sweetie “leaned forward”. Since you're using both forms anyway, I would recommend standardizing on “leaned.”

“Art-hoof” – You use a hyphenated form in the text and no hyphen in the postcard. To my eye, “Arthoof” looks awkward, but less awkward than “Art-hoof” does, so I recommend standardizing on the postcard's form. (Also it's harder to change the postcard than the text, heh.)

#40 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>339954 I felt you pulled it off brilliantly, and you used the power of allusion beautifully.

#41 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>340244 I can't really argue with that- I'm always worrying that my writing is too fast paced. And thanks for being honest :pinkiesmile:

>>340323 But playing with ponies emotions is sooo much fun!!

>>340518 Sorry man, I wasn't planning on continuing with this. But thanks for the comment! :twilightsmile:

>>340699  ... and yet so little time...

>>340719 Yeah, you got it right :raritywink: . Originally, Sweetie actually told him that she was the one who wrote it, but when I read it back it seemed really blunt and forced to me- hence why I changed it.

>>340808 Sorry about that. I'd pay for your hospital bill, except the cute ran away with all my money :raritycry: (ack, lame joke! I'm so sorry).

>>341031 :pinkiehappy:

#42 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>340977 Wow! Thank you so much, you didn't have to do that :heart:

If I've learnt anything from writing this story and trying to get it posted on EqD, it's that I should really, really get someone to read through my stories first instead of trying to go it alone. It's not because I'm convinced my writing's so good that I don't need any help (far, far from it), but rather I can just be so painfully shy sometimes, even when I'm on-line. By any chance, would you be interested in proof-reading for me? If you don't want to, that's completely and utterly fine -- either way, you've already been so helpful, and I wouldn't want to think I was wasting your time. Plus I'm pretty sure there's a pre-reader group that I can join :pinkiesmile:

You know, I didn't know that 'leant' was a Britishism, and it makes me wonder if there's any others in there which I might not be aware of. I made a concession for 'Mom' (here in Britain it's spelt 'Mum'), but I guess I'm going to have to really get to grips with American English if most of the people reading come from America...

I definitely agree with you about 'Art-hoof Circle'. I put a hyphen in there because I was worried that ponies might pronounce it 'Arf-hoof', but really, the more I think about that pun, the dumber it seems anyway. I'm going to have to think of a new one :facehoof:

Thanks again :pinkiehappy:

#43 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>341267 I'd be happy to. I enjoy editing, not least because it's highly educational for me. :twilightsmile:

#44 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

I haven't read a Sweetie belle romance, especially with OC. But that was a really sweet and well-written story ;)

#45 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

ALL OF MY dawwwwwwwww :pinkiesmile:

#46 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Wow. This seems a notch above the rest. I loved the little postcards. Everypony is characterized really well. Rainy Day is about as well developed as can be expected from a story of this length, and there definitely seems to be room for more in his character if you give him another story. Top marks on all of that.

The quality of writing is really good as well. Nowhere did I feel like the writing was holding anything back. No typos I noticed, sterling stuff all the way through.

All in all, a great job from a critiquing standpoint. If you would like, I can take a closer look and find some improvements to make, but this is solid enough that I didn't notice anything my first readthrough.

Does Rainy have a cutie mark yet? I didn't see any reference to one, so I assumed not. That will be an interesting story, but one that can't really be written yet, I suppose? Not without a time jump, and it'd be easier to wait for the CMC's to get theirs. I don't know, you probably already have a few ideas of what to do with the characters.

Thanks for a good story!

#47 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>341553

Ok...FiMFiction's commenting system is just weird...

#48 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

And a three, a two , a one everybody with me now. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG.

and now you've gone and given everyone diabetes. Any who wonderful story and I hope to see more from you in the future.:twilightsmile:

#49 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

Very well written. Heh... it reminds me of a few years back in middle school... wait... that was only 3 years ago...

Anyway, I hope you add a few more chapters to this, as that ending allows for it to continue without having to re-write the last paragraph. 5/5 stars, and a Hoof Up (including tracking this story), and if you need time, I'll invent a time machine or something else that's near-impossible.

Yeah, this story is that well-written.

#50 · 109w, 2d ago · · ·

>>341267

Yeah, I'm the shy type too, although I usually put on a show of bravado, so just looking at me wouldn't exactly show my lack of confidence.

If I applied myself and actually worked on a story, it'd be worthy of having readers... and I wish I could realize that putting yourself out there for criticism as well as compliments is actually very healthy and important. Meh... I just need to man-up...

Also, I don't care if you use a more European English dialect (specifically British), but it'd probably be a good thing to make it easier for those (I'm American as well, don't get me wrong.) extremely picky American readers if you'd make it more "American" English correct. Trust me, people try to find a way to criticize over the smallest of things...

Probably why I won't write a fan-fiction until I have more self-confidence...

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