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There's a new colt in town who's fallen head over hooves for Sweetie Belle – if only he could overcome his shyness and confess his true feelings to her!
5 stars on Equestria Daily -- March 18th 2012
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Lucky Dreams
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Lucky Dreams
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Joined March 2012
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61w, 6dKeeria's Library
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49w, 6dOh god! The FEELS!
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Wow, wow, this is now my #1 favorite short fic. I really have no criticism on this one. I love the use of the postcard illustrations. Usually (in my opinion) illustrations distract from the story, but in this case I think it added a lot to actually see them. Bravo. 
Thumbs up and can't wait to see what else you write.
You have melted the collective's heart.
Image: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/themes/src/131405565382.png
Saw this on EQD, and wow! There are just so many d'aww moments, I don't even know where to begin!
First off: So. Adorable. 
This has to be the sweetest little one-shot I've ever read, and you had me smiling the whole way through. 
I loved Rainy Day from the get-go, and just everything about this fic was awesome! Your characterizations of the Cutie Mark Crusaders were spot on, and your writing style flows smoothly, without a single hitch. It truly was a very enjoyable read. 
Insta-fave! 
>>339595 Thanks! 
>>339616 I grew quite fond of Rainy Day and his mum when I was writing this, so I may well write about them again. Otherwise, I wasn't planning a direct sequel... although I'm really thrilled that ponies enjoyed this story enough that they're asking for one, so thanks for the comment!
>>339619 When I write, I tend to write loads and loads and loads... and then suddenly lose all confidence in it and cut it down to within an inch of it's life 
. It's keeps my stuff from getting too wordy, but on the other hoof, it also means that a lot of what I write is too fast paced for it's own good. Still. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for watching me
>>339714 Check yo inbox
>>339775 That's exactly the kind of comment that makes writing fanfic worthwhile! Also, thanks for the watch 
>>339837 Egh, don't remind me! I put it in there on the assumption I'd think of a better name for it later, and then sort of just... forgot. If that sounds like a lame excuse, that's because it is, but unfortunately it's also the truth 
. I can always change it in the future, mind.
>>339905 Funnily enough, I got the idea for this story whilst watching that film. I don't know if I succeeded or not ('cos I mean, man, Up is an absolute masterpiece), but with the ending where the balloon's floating over the Arctic Circle, I was trying to create a similar sort of feeling to the last shot of Up, where you find out that the house has landed right where it was supposed to, yet none of the main characters know about it...
Ah sorry, I'm starting to ramble. I'll stop now!
Nearly sentences before the dream scene, an enigmatic feeling overcame me. I can honestly say, I've never felt anything like it. An almost erie sensation, yet warm and endearing. Its probably related to me being tired, but it still scarred the stuffing out of me. 
As for the story itself, fantastic premise and execution. Imagining it all had me spilling over with chuckles and innocent childhood memories.
Thank you for this beautiful experience.
It was okay. Though, I have some problems with the story like sentences that could be better rephrased.
My biggest peeve though, is that Rainy Day was cut straight to Carousel Boutique in mid paragraph. Right after he's grunting “Arrrg!” in pain when he steps down from his bed, he's already there, just a few steps away. I think that needs to be lengthened in detail and separated by a page break to him arriving.
Very nice. I d'awwed. : )
Some notes:
“Mother and father are going to be here any minute...” – Father should be capitalized, since it's being used as a name.
“...attempted it before- not seriously anyway, the idea was much too frightening- so how...” – Those should be em dashes (–) with no leading or trailing spaces. Hyphens can't be used parenthetically. (Also, em dashes are used to indicate a hard cutoff in dialogue or thought, so they should replace the hyphens in lines like “Um, can’t I just-”)
“...his wings seemed to had frozen...” – That should be “have frozen”. Alternatively, just “seemed frozen” works too.
“...pushed everything into place making him queasier than ever...” – That should have a comma: “...place, making...” Alternatively, “...place and made him queasier than ever...”
“...imagine her sat on the end...” – Should be “sitting”. If you want to preserve the past tense without rearranging the sentence, then a different verb should be employed, such as “perched.” – N.B. I looked this one up after I noticed that you used it again later, and discovered that it's an idiom from England. In American English (and other forms of English?), that phrase jumps out as looking wrong.
“What’s he wrote?” – Should be “written” or “writing.”
“Shanghay” – Nice. : D
“Ah shucks Scoots...” – The typical spelling of that is “aw.”
“...unable to tare his eyes away...” – That should be “tear”.
“...said Sweetie Bell as she peered out of...” – Typo on her name.
“Look here, we made just fine after Mom.” – You're missing a word after “made.” Made do, made it, or alternatively, got by.
“...ribbons of light and hold their hooves in silence...” – That reads as though they're each holding their own hooves. I recommend either “hold hooves” or “hold each other's hooves.”
“Her white fur was exactly the way he remembered...” and “...make his fur stand up...” Edit: oops, missed one: "She had a white coat of fur..." – Horses have a coat made up of hair, not fur.
“...drifting out of his life like a balloon on the wind...” – Do ho ho, I see what you did there.
“...caring ‘lil...” – The way I've always seen that written is li'l.
“...he leant forward...” – This is a Britishism; that form of “lean” has almost disappeared from American English, so it looks strange. Also, a few lines below this, you say that Sweetie “leaned forward”. Since you're using both forms anyway, I would recommend standardizing on “leaned.”
“Art-hoof” – You use a hyphenated form in the text and no hyphen in the postcard. To my eye, “Arthoof” looks awkward, but less awkward than “Art-hoof” does, so I recommend standardizing on the postcard's form. (Also it's harder to change the postcard than the text, heh.)
>>340244 I can't really argue with that- I'm always worrying that my writing is too fast paced. And thanks for being honest
>>340323 But playing with ponies emotions is sooo much fun!!
>>340518 Sorry man, I wasn't planning on continuing with this. But thanks for the comment!
>>340699 ... and yet so little time...
>>340719 Yeah, you got it right . Originally, Sweetie actually told him that she was the one who wrote it, but when I read it back it seemed really blunt and forced to me- hence why I changed it.
>>340808 Sorry about that. I'd pay for your hospital bill, except the cute ran away with all my money 
(ack, lame joke! I'm so sorry).
>>340977 Wow! Thank you so much, you didn't have to do that
If I've learnt anything from writing this story and trying to get it posted on EqD, it's that I should really, really get someone to read through my stories first instead of trying to go it alone. It's not because I'm convinced my writing's so good that I don't need any help (far, far from it), but rather I can just be so painfully shy sometimes, even when I'm on-line. By any chance, would you be interested in proof-reading for me? If you don't want to, that's completely and utterly fine -- either way, you've already been so helpful, and I wouldn't want to think I was wasting your time. Plus I'm pretty sure there's a pre-reader group that I can join
You know, I didn't know that 'leant' was a Britishism, and it makes me wonder if there's any others in there which I might not be aware of. I made a concession for 'Mom' (here in Britain it's spelt 'Mum'), but I guess I'm going to have to really get to grips with American English if most of the people reading come from America...
I definitely agree with you about 'Art-hoof Circle'. I put a hyphen in there because I was worried that ponies might pronounce it 'Arf-hoof', but really, the more I think about that pun, the dumber it seems anyway. I'm going to have to think of a new one
Thanks again
Wow. This seems a notch above the rest. I loved the little postcards. Everypony is characterized really well. Rainy Day is about as well developed as can be expected from a story of this length, and there definitely seems to be room for more in his character if you give him another story. Top marks on all of that.
The quality of writing is really good as well. Nowhere did I feel like the writing was holding anything back. No typos I noticed, sterling stuff all the way through.
All in all, a great job from a critiquing standpoint. If you would like, I can take a closer look and find some improvements to make, but this is solid enough that I didn't notice anything my first readthrough.
Does Rainy have a cutie mark yet? I didn't see any reference to one, so I assumed not. That will be an interesting story, but one that can't really be written yet, I suppose? Not without a time jump, and it'd be easier to wait for the CMC's to get theirs. I don't know, you probably already have a few ideas of what to do with the characters.
Thanks for a good story!
Very well written. Heh... it reminds me of a few years back in middle school... wait... that was only 3 years ago...
Anyway, I hope you add a few more chapters to this, as that ending allows for it to continue without having to re-write the last paragraph. 5/5 stars, and a Hoof Up (including tracking this story), and if you need time, I'll invent a time machine or something else that's near-impossible.
Yeah, this story is that well-written.
Yeah, I'm the shy type too, although I usually put on a show of bravado, so just looking at me wouldn't exactly show my lack of confidence.
If I applied myself and actually worked on a story, it'd be worthy of having readers... and I wish I could realize that putting yourself out there for criticism as well as compliments is actually very healthy and important. Meh... I just need to man-up...
Also, I don't care if you use a more European English dialect (specifically British), but it'd probably be a good thing to make it easier for those (I'm American as well, don't get me wrong.) extremely picky American readers if you'd make it more "American" English correct. Trust me, people try to find a way to criticize over the smallest of things...
Probably why I won't write a fan-fiction until I have more self-confidence...
>>341311 Awesome! Although don't expect anything for another week or two. I'm a pretty slow writer 
>>341327 Agh, there's so much of it!
>>341949 Thanks! Although I apologize for the diabetes. That can happen 
>>342755 Oh no, I've given yet another pony diabetes! What have I done?! 
>>343007 I know, right! I had a friend who did it once and ended up getting a postcard back two weeks later. He was thrilled
>>343109 Personally, I think of the Benny Hill theme. It also works quite well for My Little Dashie
>>341553 Thanks for the detailed comment. I love getting these
I always feel deeply unsure about my writing (I just read 'White Box' for the first time a couple of minutes ago, and I don't think I've ever read something which has made me feel so wholly inadequate as an author), so it's nice to get comments like yours where you explain why you thought it was good . And I'm glad you seemed to like Rainy Day. Maybe it was the result of editing this story so many times to get it up to EqD standards, but I've actually grown quite fond of him, so although I don't ever plan on writing a direct sequel to this, I'll almost certainly end up writing about him again some time in the future.
Also, no, he doesn't have his cutie mark yet. Originally I did actually say so in the story, but no matter where I put it, it ended up seeming forced, like I was only mentioning it just because I was obliged to or something. I figured it wasn't important to the story, hence why I left it out. If that makes sense.
And thanks very much for the offer to go through it again! To be honest, though, I just want to move on from this story now - it's gotten a better response than I could've ever seriously have dreamed of, and now I want to take everything I've learnt from it and apply it to my next story. If, once it's done, you wanted to help proof-read that, than that would be super appreciated! But only if you want to. Strictly speaking, I've already got one pony willing to proof-read (although the more the merrier), and the last thing I want is to feel like I'm forcing anything on anypony.
Again, thanks for the nice comments!
>>342426 Screw the writing! If you could go ahead and make me a time machine anyway, that would be freaking SWEET 
But seriously, thanks for the detailed comment - I really like getting these .
Unfortunately, I wasn't planning on adding more chapters to this (although it seems like some ponies really, really want me to; one of them even private messaged me about it!). Speaking for myself, I think the story ends at exactly the moment it needs to - it starts with Rainy getting a crush on Sweetie, and then it finishes at pretty much the same moment his feelings are returned. That's it. I don't see much point in carrying it on beyond that, although I'm extremely flattered that ponies want me to.
However, that's not to say I'll never write about these characters again - I've grown very fond of Rainy Day and his Mum. So go ahead and track it anyway: if I ever do return to these characters, it won't be a direct sequel, but I'll make sure that everypony who's tracking knows about it.
I can relate to you putting on a show of bravado. Somehow, no matter where I go, I end up with a reputation of being exactly like Pinkie Pie, and ponies look forward to me coming out with them and such... But I seriously have no idea how this keeps on happening, since I swear that everything just terrifies me!! I could quite happily just lock myself away in my house like Fluttershy on Nightmare Night and leave it at that. But that wouldn't do me much good, so I force myself to keep going out. It's worth it to see my friends smile.
Please do man-up! I understand how daunting putting your work out there is (I was absolutely convinced that everypony was going to despise this story with a passion), but on the other hoof, until you put it out there, you just don't know how it's going to be received. And if ponies don't like it, then, what's the worst that could happen? You'd know what to avoid doing in future, so that can only be a good thing. It'd be a real shame to never put your work up for fear of negative comments, so please don't let it hold you back.
Imagine if I hadn't have gone through and replaced every instance of 'Mum' with 'Mom'. Because I almost forgot to do that. I think that would've been a sure-fire way to drive away ponies by the cartload
If I gave you that time machine and a dozen chocolate chip and blueberry muffins complete with a fancy letter, would the chance of you writing a sequel (direct or indirect) be much more probable? No D:? What if I added a Fluttershy said face 
? Still no? A yacht? A billion dollars? Inspiration? A second time machine? Still no?
What about begging and whining?
...
Nah, just kidding about the whining part, but seriously: Whatever you want. I'd rather have a happy writer making other fan-fictions than a peer-pressured writer that's unhappy working on a sequel to a beautiful fan-fiction.
Also, I forgot one detail that made me enjoy this fan-fiction so much more: The image letters. That added some kind of feel to the story that made it all that much more easy to imagine and follow. Well, I'm gonna try and end this reply before it becomes an incessant 5-page article praising each and every small thing I can find, with a tiny paragraph at the end in size .0000000000001 font (Honey Badger don't care if that's not a possible font) pointing out any mistakes or errors.
>Insert 5-page article here<
Alright. If you'd ever like me to proofread something of yours, shoot it towards my username here at gmail.com, and I'll be happy to read through it. I'll try to get back to you in no more than two days, assuming RL doesn't throw me a curveball. Helping you authors improve is one of the surest ways to help the fandom as a whole. I'm glad to help.
(Baseball idioms aren't used in British English, are they?)
See you around!
>>347292 Ooo, it's all so tempting! And yet there's a part of me that tells me I ought to hold back and wait to see how much more stuff you'd be willing to give me. I want a third time machine. And then I can put that time machine inside the second one, then put the second one inside the first one, and then I could send them all off to different time periods and try and create some sort of weird paradox or something 
... In seriousness, I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I think I've got the very beginnings of an idea forming... and more importantly, it's been a few days and it still doesn't seem like a completely terrible idea, so that's usually a good sign. I'd quite like to write something long to keep me occupied over summer between seasons 2 and 3, so, we'll see
Also, five pages of praise just for me? Sweet!
>>348407 Thanks so much! Although don't expect anything for another week or two. I'm a slow writer at the best of times, but I completely burnt myself out getting this one up to EqD standards (each time I sent it in, it always seemed so close and yet so far).
... You know, now that you mention it, I know what all these idioms mean, and yet I've never heard anypony say them in real life
Hmm... maybe you should try using one in real life and see if anyone else knows them. That'd be an interesting experiment.
Something I'd want to pull off if I went to Britain, but it'd probably be expected as I'd be so obviously American it's not funny... You know, I actually want to try that now. I want to pop up in Britain for about a month, and see how long it could take to pass off as a local. (As in from the Isles, not actually local, that'd be nearly impossible.) Because you guys must have your share of strange ethnicities in some cities, though they aren't as common as over here, and I'm really really good at picking up accents, given a little bit of time with them. And then, as soon as I'm fully assimilated, BOOM, out go the American idioms.
Wish there was a :pinkiemischievious:
Ok, I'm going to stop dropping random on your comment feed now.
>>352099 I feel like this is somewhat appropriate! And don't worry about the red heavy. I've got my eye on him
>>353072 That plan is so amazingly convoluted that I simply love it. Best of luck to you!
I need to get one of those for a classroom.
Teacher: these parenthesis are inside the parenthesis, therefore, using PEMDA-
Me: Parenthaception!
*hits button*
DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Well, I have a feeling these replies are getting random, so I guess I'll just say this: See you on your next fan-fiction's comment section!
... But yeah, I'll see you there. Bring more random. Bring a whole suitcase of it!
>>356469 It must be craziness. Mwahahaha! 
In seriousness, I'm actually a little surprised with all the comments I've had, only you and one other pony have said that it made them sad in anyway. I kind of assumed there would be more.
Thanks for the comment
And I quote 
: "Aww, that was such a sweet story."
Congratulations, it really was well written and full of the heart-warming feeling. I first read it on the train in the epub format that you can download the story as. But when I clicked to view the story here (to thumb it up and comment on it ) I noticed those amazing postcards inside (they weren't there in the epub version, though the cover was). My heart just melted right then. An amazing touch.
In other words - congratulations. The story really makes you fell nice inside. 
Thanks for sharing.
>>385413 Thank you, that was such a lovely comment! And thanks for getting my story up to 100 thumbs up
Also, I'm glad you like the postcards (I had no idea that they didn't show up in the epub version 
). I know they're pretty simple, but you'd be shocked at how long they took to do... comments like this make that time feel like it was well spent
Was I that lucky to hit your 100th thumb? It was an honor then.
Just for the record I downloaded the epub again and viewed it on my PC (and not the phone like back then on the train). The postcards were there, strangely enough.
Let me just once again say that I love them. I really appreciate how realistically you made them look. Different hoofwriting, post stamps, even stamp codes... And the last written with crayons... I'm speechless. I have no idea how long it took to create them, but let me say that it was worth it. Of course your story would also be as amazing and heart-warming as it is even without them, but they make such an amazing finishing touch. I have never seen anything like them in other stories.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm sure that a simple thumb up doesn't give the story enough praise it so richly deserves. Let me fix that. Consider the story favorited and yourself stalked (watched, as it were 
) from now on.
And when I say favorited I really mean it. Even with the changes on the site today I will regard my favs as a sort of special thank-you for stories that really outshine the others. Like yours.
>>520190 You're right on the money there! I thought they would take me an hour or two, but they ended up taking what felt like an absolute age. Especially the second one with the Wonderbolts signatures... which is ironic since that's actually my normal handwriting (I kept on making really daft spelling mistakes). 
At the end of the story I wasn't sure if I loved it or hated it.
After thinking a little longer, I decided I liked it. So much so that I reviewed it!: http://supremestfanfictionreviews.blogspot.com/2012/05/review-sweeties-letter.html
If it offends, I'll take it down. Either way, have a nice day!
>>560937 Offended? Goodness, not at all -- if anything, I'm really glad that ponies are still reading and enjoying this story, let alone taking the time to review it!
That's a nice little website you've got going there by the way. And I'm sure the comments will eventually come if you keep plugging away at it
Although the main thrust of the story was the developing relationship between Rainy Day and Sweetie Belle (which I totally ate up, mind you), as someone who has lost his mother, I found the dream sequence especially touching. The way you infused the lighthearted tone into the exchange made it feel very genuine for me.
I have a lot of words buzzing around in my head, but this is the best I can muster at the moment.
Thank you.
>>688358 I'm very sorry for your loss. I know too many people who've lost parents, and I know the pain never quite goes away no matter how many years pass (I'm always scared about stuff happening to my own family -- or rather, I should say even more stuff -- and that's partially where this fic came from).
The sequel's going to delve a lot deeper into the relationship, so I hope it lives up to this story. And thanks very much for the lovely comment
Oh, wow...
You just pick up things I usually hate in MLP fanfics and put it together so nicely, that i absolutely loved it!
I usually hate stupid and forced shipping with random OC (on the other hand, shipping with OC is a lesser evil, really). I hate overly dramatic stories, which only purpose is to make us cry by any means necessary (they usually fail miserably at this).
But wait! Rainy day is actually very real and likable character! His sad backstory has real purpose. In fact, this is a wonderfull example of bittersweet backstory, which doesn't try to drive us into the dumb depression, but instead make us like and respect the main character. The main character, who isn't complete emokid and retard (My little Dashie, i am looking at you right now). Who doesn't sink in self-pity the entire time. He is alive and kinda have will and courage. And his lovestory witth Sweetie is pure, innocent, touching and absolulty wonderfull! Your idea with letters is pure win, and final letter together with ending kinda give me the chills.
Someone here said that your story feels like movie "Up". I might add, that this fic feels like best parts of "Up", when it is deep and touching story about life, not boring and REALLY stupid so called "adventure" with talking dogs on tiny planes. So, in some sense, your fic is better than "Up".
This story really need more praise.
Sorry for bad English.
Colts don’t get crushes, and that’s that.
Do you even listen to yourself, Rainy? I could've told you that was clearly false when I was eight, and I haven't had a crush in my life (I think).
Sweetie Belle was looking at him expectedly, her face a portrait of hope.
Hint: this is the part where you kiss her. Or say something romantic (well, what passes for romantic when you're eight, anyway). Or something like that.
before he could tell himself that this was a bad idea, he lowered himself out of bed and stood on the floor.
You're eight. That's far too young to be putting yourself through so much pain so unnecessarily in the pursuit of love. Seriously, she'll probably be over later today, and then you can apologize for being such an introverted mood-killer and tell her how you really feel. Doesn't that sound a lot less likely to leave you collapsing in the street, unable to move?
Eh, personally I'm not entirely a fan of Rainy's mom's role in the story.
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