Twilight was trying to perfect her freezing spell till her friends came and accidently caused her to make a mistake ending up freezing them self's for 280 years. When they woke up they found that pony kind have ascended to the stars. The Elements of Harmony have a brand new adventure to save the galaxy from an sentinel machine race known as the "Slaughterers" by joining commander Shepherd.
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Change pickie to pinkie and pinkiepie has a space in the middle making it pinkie pie; with capitals of course. Oh, and re-read your work it has some mess-ups and some gramatical issuse.
-XxRUSxX
I haven't read this yet but typo in your description:
them self's
should be
Themselves
Your short and long descriptions are both full of run-on sentences. There's also a lot of tense shifts.
His name is SHEPARD!
3435025 Oh I know it's his real name, but in my fic the names of characters will be different. Like the Reapers will be called the slaughters, and Sovereign will be renamed Monarch.
3435075
Oh.
It's going to be one of THOSE fics right?
What's the point? It's not like you OWN these concepts after you give them a new name.
Plus, "Slaughters" is probably one of the stupidest names I've ever heard. Unless you mean "Slaughterers." Which still doesn't make sense since the word "Reaper" means "one that harvests", which is exactly what the Reapers do. They don't slaughter for no reason at all, they harvest galactic civilizations at the peak of their development.
3436331 I actually used the word "Slaughterers" because in the human world we send cows and occasionally "horses" to the "Slaughter house". A Slaughter house gathers the C's or H's to be process, so technically it is a harvest.
3436416
You just turned a race of space Lovecraftian abominations into a bunch of butchers, congratulations.
3436488 Oh and the Slaughterers will resemble seahorses.
3439189
Alright, now I know you're a troll.
See you, have a nice day.
3439805 Ok what does that word even means? I heard other people saying it, but what the hay does it mean?
Did you mean "glass?"
3443647 Thanks for the correction. Already fixed it.
Honestly, this chapter was a little too short for my taste but still you have my interest.
Was that last line meant to be Celestria or Celestia? Story is great otherwise!
3443704 Eh twas a little short of a chapter, but if I may give you some advice in many successful mass effect ficts one of the best ways to grab a readers attention is to be very descriptive in how you present your setting. At most I have no idea what the area around them looks like besides them being in canterlot somewhere...Is it cramped, dark, are the walls covered in strange plating, description of your thoughts can make a good story better than some movies. :D
Ummm......You did Picke Pie
That chapter was really short. Also re-read it. It has a few spelling error but I still want more. Keep writing
more please, i love it.
They tried to KILL them with mass accelerators? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!
The Mane Wix + Spike have been frozen for 280 years and you're telling me the guards that were supposed to be guarding them don't even RECOGNIZE them?
And seriously, the ice melt on the EXACT day "Shepherd" was appointed as a Spectre? What are the chances? All the planets must have aligned on Friday the 13th when a blue moon occured!
3449085 I do need the weapons from ME. And that royal guard wasn't guarding them he was just on a patrol. Plush the ME series had all sorts of coincidences.
3449950
The point isn't that they have mass accelerator guns, it's that they tried to FREAKING KILL THEM!
They don't have any shield, or any armor for that matter, so one hit and they're dead! WHY would the royal guards try to kill unarmed civilians?!
3449996 The guard clearly warned them that if they didn't stop he would have no choice to fire. Just like the police officers in the real world.
3450053
Don't give me that, real world police officers are not allowed to shoot to kill unless the suspect is carrying weapons and/or posses immediate threat to the officer, another officer or the general public. (Pointing a gun at police officers, running into a hospital with a bomb, etc.) They are not allowed to shoot people just because they're trespassing.
3450720 Ok this is my story and I can do whatever I want. End of conference.
3454065 And you called me the trol?
Look at your self.
I feel like playing Mass Effect again..
Scar, other than that no errors.
Well they could have still been called mass relays.
But awesome chapter.
um, isn't it supposed to be the reapers? nveermind, it's your story.
3493179 Thank you for understanding my work, unlike that jerk M-Tails-P.
3493192
yeah, I understand. It's your story, and no-one has the right to tell you what it should be.
3450720 think of it like this, appearing in fort knox. walking out of the gold room and then proceeding to run away from a guard
3454351 also i hope the Normandy is still called the Normandy
ok, this seems like a good story but it seems like you would need to play Mass Effect 1 recently to understand what is happening
Huh, thought the MLP Protheans would be Hippocampi, still awesome
3493377 I did play mass effect 1 before typing this.
3495104 im not saying you, im saying the reader
Thanks for explaining the name. Wonder what will happen when they meet the asari. Are changelings griffons diamond dogs zebras and dragons considered equestrians?
3493353
First of all, they didn't appear out of nowhere, they've been there since Celestia brought them in.
Second of all, that still doesn't explain why didn't Celestia assign guards to them, what if they wake up all of a sudden? What if someone tries to steal them? None of it makes any goddamned sense.
Third of all, that guard has absolutely no reason to not know something that's been there for nearly three centuries. Judging by the fact that even the Council know about them, (I don't care about the stupid names the author gave them, they ARE the Citadel Council) it's highly unlikely that it's classified information, so why didn't the guard know them? Because the plot demands so!
And that's ignoring the OTHER problems with this story, namely "If Celestia is so much more powerful than Twilight, why can't she undo the spell Twilight casted?" and "Why the hell did the Mane Six get over the deaths of ALL THEIR FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES so fucking fast?"
......Why did the guards try to kill the Mane six? I mean...why?
3505125
ERT?! You have a fimfiction account?
Anyway, it's not just that. As I said, the Mane Six lost all their families and friends. Sure, they still have each other, Spike and the Princesses. But Twilight has her parents AND her BBBFF! Rarity has her parents and Sweetie Belle! AJ has a HUGE family and now EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is dead and there's no way for them to go back. Yet one minute they were like "Oh no, all our families and friends died of old age." And the next they were like "YAY! SPACESHIP!" WTF?
My fav so far keep up great werk >> M-Tails-P who cares if some of it dusnt add up its still great in my opinion so if u wuld kindly shaddapp i wuld apreciate it TY
3508464 Yeah tavrosfreshie! Tell M-Tails-P to shut up about my story. Oh and I have another story called Mare Do Well Begins if you want to read it.
Ty i also reported m tails p fer bein a.butt lol il read mare do well begins now ty
3508915
Tell him to shut up about your story? SERIOUSLY!? What does that say about an author when your response to people actually giving you criticism is to tell them to shut up?