Identity Crises
Roll for Initiative
Week 3
Identity Crises
“Before we begin tonight’s game, there’s a couple of things I want to talk about,” Twilight said as she passed out the character sheets. “First of all, I’m making a little change to how I give out experience points. From now on, you’ll get bonus XP for good role-playing.”
“That’s certainly generous of you, darling,” Rarity said. “I feel like I've been stuck at level nine for ages.”
The others nodded and chanted their agreement, but Twilight held up a hoof to interrupt them. “Actually, if you keep playing the same way you’ve been doing it, some of you won’t be getting any bonuses at all. The only one who’s been making an effort to role-play properly at all is Rainbow Dash.”
“I don’t get what you’re sayin', Twi,” said Applejack.
“Indeed. I’m afraid I don’t understand your concern either,” said Rarity.
“You just need to make your characters act less like your real selves. You’re playing a role, not inserting yourself into a different coat. Try to give the characters their own unique personalities.”
“Oh, I get it!” Pinkie exclaimed. “So instead of acting like me, I should act like not me when I’m acting like Swirly, because even though Swirly is me, she’s not supposed to be me, and I’m not really—”
“Pinkie!” the other five yelled in unison, along with Spike, who had settled in a corner to read the latest comics while the mares played their game.
“That’s right, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “You all just need to try to develop unique personality characteristics for each of your characters. Now, the other thing I wanted to bring up was the matter of snacks. I don’t know if anypony else noticed, but not all of us got our fair share last week.”
“Seriously?” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.
“Yes, Rainbow, I’m serious,” Twilight said as she started to pull her books, dice, and papers out of a small box.
“What, are you counting popcorn kernels or something?”
A piece of paper hovered out of Twilight's box. It was divided into six columns, each with a pony's cutie mark at the top. “As a matter of fact, I—”
“Forget I asked,” said Rainbow, her voice muffled by the hoof pressed to her face.
Twilight grimaced, but pressed on. “As I was saying, before you all arrived, I counted the cheesy hay chips in the bowl, and there are exactly thirty-seven for each of us. I want you all to keep count and not go over that limit.”
She was answered by silence and five blank stares. “Twilight?” Fluttershy said after a long pause.
“Yes?”
“Wouldn't it make more sense for us to bring extra snacks?”
“Oh… I guess it would.” After faltering for a moment, Twilight quickly recovered. “But for tonight, we only have the one bowl of snacks, so we need to ration it out. Starting next week, we can all bring something.”
Before the others could reply, Twilight levitated her screen into place and opened her books. “Now, let’s get started. After your last adventure, you've been enjoying some downtime in the newly-constructed Temple of Trixie. Having been present at the ascension of the new deity, you have been acknowledged as prophets, and are treated with special honors. As a new day dawns, you are each awakened by a knock on your door.”
“I get up and answer it,” Rainbow said quickly.
“No, you don’t,” Twilight answered.
Rainbow leaned forward, staring at Twilight through narrowed eyes. “Why not?”
Twilight met her gaze, but counterpointed Rainbow's scowl with a smirk. “Because your new character hasn't been introduced yet.”
Rainbow blinked, breaking the eye contact, and retreated back to her seat. “Oh. Right," she muttered.
“Anyway…”
As the first rays of sunlight peeked through her open window, Swirly Sparks was rudely awakened by a knock on her door.
“I hears you,” she said gruffly as she climbed out of bed. Using her magic, she ran a brush through her mane, which had changed from pink to orange overnight, and put on her purple cloak. Finally, she reached out with her magic and opened the door, revealing one of the younger acolytes, a chubby blue colt with a pair of scissors for a cutie mark.
“Good morning, your prophetousness,” he said.
“Whatchoo want?” Swirly snapped, scowling at the intruder.
The colt backed away from the door slowly. “Um… It’s time to wake up, Miss Sparks.”
“I wakes up when I chooses to wakes up. Ya hears me, ya little brat?”
“What?” Pinkie said in response to the stares she was getting from all sides. “You said to not act like me.”
“But Swirly has an intelligence score of nineteen!” said Twilight. “She needs to sound appropriately smart!”
Pinkie leaned back and crossed her forelegs. “How do you know somepony with nineteen intelligence wouldn't talk like that? Do you have nineteen intelligence?”
“Pinkie, I don’t have an intelligence score at all!” Twilight shouted. She slammed a hoof on the table to emphasize the point, causing her screen to fall over. Her magic lifted it back into place, but in the split second it blocked her vision, Pinkie disappeared.
“You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Pinkie said from beside Twilight, throwing a foreleg over her withers. "You’re the smartest pony I know. I’d say your score is at least a twelve. Maybe even a thirteen.”
“How did... Forget it! Back to the game.”
As the first rays of sunlight peeked through her open window, Light Hooves’ meditation was interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Enter."
She did not turn to look, but the hooffalls were light, indicating a young filly or colt. She stood up as the young Trixian acolyte nervously approached. The rising sun’s light reflected off her armor, casting a golden glow over the room, as she turned around to find a lanky unicorn colt with an amber coat.
“G’morning, Snails. You need somethin’, sugarcube?”
“Pardon me, Miss Prophetess who doesn’t sound much like a paladin, but you have never heard my name. Did you receive a divine message from our magnificent goddess, the great and powerful Trixie?”
“Have I mentioned that I still hate you for that?” said Rainbow.
“Don’t blame me," said Twilight. "Blame your dice.”
“Oh, yes, of course. Please do pardon me,” Light Hooves said, suddenly using a much more elegant accent, reminiscent of the big city elite. “I have not heard your name before. I merely addressed you according to your cutie mark.”
“But my cutie mark is a falcon, not a snail.”
“I hate you, Twilight,” Applejack snarled.
Twilight only grinned in response. Behind the screen, she erased a crudely-drawn snail from the flank of an equally crudely-drawn colt and replaced it with an ugly bird. "Now, which of you is next?”
As the first rays of sunlight peeked through his open window, Crusher was awakened by the sound of a bird’s chirping. It was sitting on a tree branch outside the window, trilling happily.
The huge stallion slowly got out of his bed, then walked over to the closet, where his Taurrusque-chitin armor had been set on the floor alongside his battle ax. The bird continued to sing as he put on his gear.
Before leaving the room, he walked over to the window and stared out at the beautiful and innocent creature, which seemed to be performing a lovely song written only for his ears.
“Graaaaaarh,” he roared, startling the bird into taking flight. In the hallway, a small hoof stopped just short of knocking on the door, and the acolyte slowly backed away.
The entire table went completely quiet. Even Spike had looked up from his comic and was staring. Fluttershy looked into the confused faces around her, and with each one, she shrank a little more.
“I didn’t see that coming. Nice job, Fluttershy,” said Twilight, an exuberant smile painted across her face.
“I feel dirty.”
As the first rays of sunlight peeked through her open window, Noble Gem yawned and stretched. Though she would have preferred to stay in bed a while longer, an insistent knocking at the door took that possibility off the table.
With a gentle sigh, she put on her slippers and opened the door. The sight of a young priestess in acolyte robes—as blue as all the others, but lacking the embroidered stars on the robes of the full-fledged clergy—greeted her on the other side. Bowing, the filly said, “Good morning, Prophetess Noble Gem."
Noble Gem rolled her eyes at the gesture. “Morning, kiddo. You here for a story? A song? Or are you just here to call me down to breakfast.”
“Just breakfast, I’m afraid, milady.”
“That would be lovely. I’m positively famished,” Noble Gem said, only to frown and scoff a moment later. “Oops. I meant that’s great. I’m really hungry.”
“Excellent! Please follow me downstairs," the filly chirped as she set off at a trot.
“Twilight, please tell me you’re going to forgive that little slip,” Rarity said. “Getting into such an unfamiliar character is difficult, to say the least.”
“Yeah, no kidding,” Applejack said. “I ain’t used that fancy accent since I was a blank-flank filly.”
“Hey, do I get to join in soon or what?” Rainbow asked.
“Yes, Dash. You’ll join the game in just a moment," Twilight said. "Now, you all enter the dining hall at the same time.”
“Including me?”
“No!" Twilight shouted. "Just wait a minute. You’re all seated at a long table...”
Four of the tables were occupied by acolytes and guests of the temple, but the fifth was reserved specifically for ordained priests and honored guests, such as Trixie’s prophets. The meal placed in front of them was simple—oatmeal, hay, and water—but the oatmeal was warm, and the water was clean thanks to the clerics' purification spells.
The four warriors all scowled during the prayer. “Our great and powerful goddess of might, luck, and eating really questionable objects, we beseech your blessings upon our humble meal, and ask that your power be granted to us throughout Celestia’s day, that we may go forth from this place, in your name, to oppose all that is evil, wears tacky clothing, or uses the most untrustworthy of devices: wheels.”
After the prayer, the high priest stood up. As he had been in Trixie’s service no longer than any of the others, he had been chosen for the post by the fairest possible means. The oldest priests had compared their ages, backgrounds, and powers.
When that failed to reveal the strongest candidate, they settled it in the time-honored—since last week—tradition of Trixian clergy: by rolling dice.
“Fellow disciples of our almighty goddess, visitors, and honored guests, I am pleased to announce the arrival of another illustrious guest to our humble temple,” he said as he gestured around the opulent room. Intricate tapestries adorned the walls, and golden chandeliers hung from the ceilings. The tables were hoof-carved from mahogany, polished to a mirror-like finish. Stained glass windows depicted Trixie’s greatest feats: some real, some embellished, and some made up on the spot.
“You’re having way too much fun with this Trixie thing, Twilight,” Rainbow said.
“I must agree,” Rarity said. “The novelty has begun to wear rather thin.”
“Fine,” Twilight huffed. “Rainbow, I’ll introduce your character now. Who’s it going to be? Lightning Dust? Derpy? Maybe Gilda?”
“Nope. I made one up this time.” Rainbow’s smug expression melted as she noticed her friends’ lack of responses and their disbelieving stares. “What?”
“You actually made a completely original character?” said Twilight.
Rainbow Dash stood up and spread her wings defensively. “Yeah, I did. What of it?”
“It’s just unexpected, is all, sugarcube,” said Applejack.
Rarity nodded. “Yes, I was certain you’d be going back to Daring Do after your last experience."
“Well, excuse me for trying something new," Rainbow groused before plopping back down at the table. "Now, do you want to hear about my character or not?”
“Okay, Rainbow,” Twilight said. “I’ll introduce your character, and then you can describe her for everypony. Assuming it is a mare, that is.”
The high priest fished around for words as he tried to remember where he was. “Hm… Stained glass windows. Tables. Tapestries. Chandeliers. No, wait, I didn’t say anything about those aloud. Oh yes! May I present our new guest, the master rogue known as—”
“Stop,” Rainbow Dash said, holding a hoof up for emphasis.
“What is it now?” Twilight said, groaning.
“I’m not a rogue.”
“What? But you told me...” Twilight's magic gripped Rainbow's character sheet, but Rainbow put a hoof on top of it and kept it from moving.
“I know. I changed my mind."
“Then what’s your new character now?” Twilight asked as she released the sheet of paper.
“A cleric.”
“I gotta say, that there’s a surprise. I never figured you for a cleric,” Applejack said.
Rainbow turned toward Applejack, but found her vision full of Pinkie's muzzle. “Yeah, Dashie," Pinkie said. "You being a cleric is like making cupcake batter out of maple syrup, but maple syrup is delicious, so your cleric must be delicious too. I hope I get a taste before the monsters eat you.”
Rarity gave Pinkie the usual response of raising an eyebrow and not thinking too deeply about what she said, then chimed in with her own feelings about Rainbow’s new character. “I must say, a cleric is certainly an odd choice for you, but I have every confidence in your ability to break the game, or at least not drag us all down when you get killed, so I’m fine with it.”
Fluttershy’s only contribution to the discussion was a meek “Oh my.”
“See, Twi? They’re all cool with it. Sorta.” Rainbow turned back to the dungeon master to find her wide-eyed, frantically rifling through her papers. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong is that I thought you were going to be a rogue again, so I designed this game’s challenges around the party having one! If there’s nopony to pick locks and disarm traps, there’s no way you can possibly win!”
A thoughtful silence descended over the table, broken only by the occasional turn of a comic page in the corner, the crunching sound of a cheesy hay chip being eaten, or the scratching of Twilight’s quill as she recorded who had eaten it. It was Rainbow who finally spoke.
“I think I have an idea, but I’ll need your help, Fluttershy. Or rather, I’ll need Crusher’s help.”
“What do you mean?” said Fluttershy.
Rainbow leaned in close and whispered in her ear. Fluttershy’s eyes opened wide as she said, “Oh nononono, I couldn’t possibly do that."
“Trust me. It’ll be awesome. If we don’t do this, the whole game could be ruined because of how long it would take me to make a new rogue from scratch.”
“Well, yes, but…" Fluttershy hesitated, but after closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she said, "Okay, I’ll do it.”
“Game on, Twilight," Rainbow exclaimed. "Introduce me as a cleric, and watch us be awesome!”
“Ahem. Excuse me. I meant to say the cleric known as—”
“Holy Roller, at your service, my children.” The interruption came from a brown-coated earth pony mare with a bright yellow mane, who had walked up beside the high priest.
“Holy Roller? Are you ser—" The high priest coughed and started over. "I mean, welcome to the magnificently humble temple of our beloved goddess. Please join us for breakfast. You can sit with those four adventurers, whom you’ve never met before, but should bond with quickly enough to go questing with them.”
As she sat down, the priestess nodded to the others. “Hello, my children. I am Holy Roller, a cleric of the Order of Celestial Light.”
“Greetings, Sister Holy. I am Light Hooves, a paladin in the Order of Celestial Light.”
“I’m Noble Gem, a bard.”
“Calls me Swirly, hot flanks. I be a mighty sorceress wit a bad attitude.”
“Me Crusher. Crusher get mad and hit things. Crusher happy to meet you.”
Holy Roller grinned at her new friends as her breakfast was placed on the table. “Why, it is just as the high priest said. I feel an instant connection to you fine adventurers, and I desire to go on quests with you.”
* * * * *
The quintet entered the high priest’s office. He stood with his back to them, staring through his window at the snow-capped peaks of the Problematic Mountains, which appeared at the edge of the horizon, jutting above the treetops of the distant Forest of Constant Danger.
“Whatchoo wants wit us, Pops?” Swirly said.
Light Hooves smacked the back of her head as the high priest turned around. “Swirly! That’s no way to talk to our host.”
“It is quite all right, noble paladin," said the high priest. "I have called you all here on a matter of grave importance. There is a storm gathering to the east.”
“You should calls a pegasus for dat, Pops. We ain’t a weather patrol,” Swirly grumbled.
The high priest sighed and shook his head. “A metaphorical storm.”
“Then gets a metalforkal weather pony ta do it.”
“Pardon me for interrupting, Swirly,” Holy Roller said patiently, “but I believe that the high priest is simply saying that there are troubles in the land which must be addressed.”
“Exactly,” the high priest said quickly, cutting off Swirly’s attempt to reply. “Now, the quest which I am hoping you will agree to undertake is a journey to a lost tomb.”
“And where da hay—” Swirly’s remark was cut mercifully short as Noble Gem shoved a hoof into her mouth.
“And where’s this tomb?” said Noble Gem.
“East,” the high priest answered.
Noble Gem stayed silent for a few seconds, but when the high priest didn't say anything else, she spoke up again. “Could you be a little more specific?”
“No."
Noble's eye twitched. “Why not?”
The high priest shrugged and said, “Because I don’t know. It’s a lost tomb, after all.”
As the others sighed, Light Hooves stepped forward. “Your Grace, we really must be given more to work with than 'a lost temple to the east.’ Perhaps you could tell us its name?”
“Nope. Lost.”
“Crusher think you holding out on us. Make Crusher happy or Crusher get mad and break head.” The large black pony loomed over the high priest.
“I can’t believe you succeeded in picking up his hidden motive,” Twilight said. “Let’s see you if you can intimidate him into telling you more.”
Fluttershy rolled the die again. “Is a twenty-four enough?”
Twilight rolled a die behind her screen. “Yeah, that’ll do it. The high priest tells you about a legend he once heard. In the legend, Clover the Clever defeated an army of griffons and minotaurs by freezing them and imprisoning them in a secret tomb. While he doesn’t know exactly where the tomb is, he thinks you should be able to find it by following the cold wind blowing in from the east.”
"Why would he try to hide that from us?" asked Fluttershy.
"Good question," Twilight said. "You'll have to find that answer later, though."
After several days of travel through grasslands that had inexplicably transformed into a tundra, the five adventurers arrived at the gaping entrance to a long-forgotten tomb. The rubble around the area suggested that it was recently blown open from the inside.
Holy Roller stepped into the icy gale blowing from deep within the tomb. She stepped back a moment later, shivering and covered in frost. “S-Swirly, my ch-ch-child, we would all ap-p-p-preciate it greatly if you were to help with th-this.”
With a sigh, Swirly fired up her horn and cast an enchantment across the entire party. In an instant, all the snow and ice clinging to them evaporated. “Ya happy now, Holy Rolly?”
“Much better. After you, my dear fellow." Holy motioned for Crusher to take the lead.
“Wait a moment,” Noble Gem said, stepping in front of Crusher. “If there might be traps, I should go first. I may not be as good as a real rogue, but I might be able to spot a few.”
“No. Allow Crusher to display his versatility,” Holy Roller countered. As Crusher stepped around the bard, Holy fell in line behind the barbarian, keeping a generous distance. The others followed closely behind her.
A click announced the first trap as Crusher’s heavy hoof pressed a concealed switch. While the others watched from behind, a hail of arrows rained down upon him from all sides. The bombardment ended after a few seconds, and the barbarian turned around to face the rest of the party.
“Found trap."
“You can’t be serious,” Twilight said.
Rarity tilted her head around to get a good view of Fluttershy, who was blushing furiously, and the grinning Rainbow Dash. “That’s completely insane! What were you thinking?”
Applejack smirked and leaned in closer to the others. “Wait a second, y'all. I think I get it. How much damage did ya just take?”
“Three,” Fluttershy whispered.
“That’s it?” shouted the rest of them, minus Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m a genius.” Rainbow flapped her wings to get into the air and strike a pose, but the sudden gust blew the character sheets off the table. She rubbed the back of her head and laughed awkwardly as she floated back down. “Whoops. Sorry.”
“So much for all that genius hooey,” Applejack grumbled as she picked up the papers near her.
Twilight cleared her throat as she picked her screen up from the floor and levitated it back into place. “Anyway, you still have another problem to work out. Maybe you can get through the traps, but you still don’t have a way to get through locked doors. And guess what. After you get past the arrow trap, there’s one right in front of you.”
“Darling, I think we have more than enough options,” Rarity said. “I can attempt to pick the locks, and even if I fail, Pinkie can cast an unlocking spell.”
“Pinkie, do you have that spell?” asked Twilight.
“Nopey dopey!” Pinkie said as she popped a cheesy hay chip into her mouth.
Twilight smirked as she turned her attention back to Rarity. “And do you happen to have a set of thieving tools?”
“Uh… No."
“Then I guess you’re stuck." Twilight leaned back and stuck her nose into the air like a Canterlot noble. “Your only choices are to go back, have Rainbow re-roll as a rogue, or rest for eight hours so Swirly can memorize that spell.” A soft chuckle brought her head back down. “What is it now, Rainbow?”
"You just don’t get it, do you, Twilight? We have a rogue with an awesome lockpick," Rainbow said. Though she was grinning, her brow was furrowed and her eyes were narrowed.
“No, I’m absolutely certain none of you took a level in rogue,” Twilight replied.
Fluttershy’s blush deepened, but she smiled as she said, “Crusher rogue. Crusher have lockpick.”
“You wouldn’t…”
With a feral roar, Crusher smashed his double-edged ‘lockpick’ into the door, splintering the heavy wood. He smiled as he observed his handiwork momentarily, then stepped through the opening, into the chamber beyond.
As the rest of the party followed, Noble Gem noticed that the lock’s mechanism was still in place, held up by a thin wire, which was stretched taut and appeared to be near its breaking point. “Oops, we missed a trap.” In clear defiance of the will of Fate, which intended the trap to go off as Holy Roller passed, she propped the mechanism up on a loose bit of wood before waving the last of her friends through.
The darkened room they found themselves in was large enough for the sounds of their voices and hoofsteps to echo in the distance. Once their torches were lit, it became clear that the room was circular with a high ceiling. Most of the floor space was occupied by a large pool of murky water. In spite of the freezing cold, it was not frozen. However, the surface was as still as a pane of glass.
Light Hooves reached out to touch the pool, but Noble Gem slapped her hoof away. “Don’t disturb the water.”
“I do not see what you are so concerned about," Light Hooves said. "Do you fear that some monstrosity within may be watching us, prepared to grab anypony who breaks the surface with its massive tentacles?"
Noble shrugged. “Actually, I hadn’t thought about that. I just think it’s pretty."
“Well, I thinks you guys should goes for a swim,” Swirly said. “If there’s something in there to fights, we should hurries up and do it.”
“Crusher prefer not fight. Crusher want leave.”
“I don’t thinks we got a choice, Crusha. You sees that door over there?” Swirly asked. Crusher nodded. “It’s got four locks, and they's connected to floor plates. If we stands on ‘em, whatever’s in that water will wakes up.”
Perfectly in time with the others, Holy Roller shook her head and sighed. “Swirly, please, for the sake of everypony’s sanity, stop speaking.”
“She has a point, though,” Noble Gem said. “There really are floor plates around the pool. We probably have to stand on them to unlock the door.” She prodded one gently with a hoof, causing it to move slightly.
The four circular plates were evenly spaced around the circumference of the pool, each one wide enough to accommodate a single pony. Directly across from where the party had entered, a heavy stone door barred their path.
“I guess this seems easy enough,” mused Light Hooves, “but that still leaves one of us unaccounted for. What is the last one meant to do while everypony else stands on the switches?”
“What makes you think there’s anything for the fifth pony to do?” asked Twilight.
Rainbow scoffed. “Give it a rest, Twilight. If there’s five of us, the dungeon’s gonna be designed so that we’re all needed.”
“Ugh. Fine.” Twilight rolled a few dice behind her screen. “Pinkie, you notice a switch next to the stone door. It has four colorless jewels set in the wall next to it, which nearly blend in with the rocky surface.”
“Hey, you guys, I just seen—”
“She fills you in on what she saw!” Twilight yelled. Pinkie huffed and crammed a hoofful of chips into her mouth.
Applejack stamped a hoof on the table and picked up her D20. “Okay, y’all, I reckon it’s time we pony up and see what’s gonna happen.”
Light Hooves was the first to step onto a pressure plate. It gave way slightly under her weight, sinking about an inch and settling into place with a loud click. On the far wall, one of the jewels beside the switch sparked to life and shone with golden light.
“So far, so good,” said Light Hooves. “Before anypony else steps on one, we need to discuss our strategy, should the worst happen.”
As the other ponies approached the paladin, Noble Gem asked, “What’s the plan?”
“I believe it is likely that when the four switches are pressed, this chamber’s guardian will appear," Light said, motioning around the room and pointing to each of the pressure plates. "Considering the size of this pool, it could be extremely large.”
As the rest nodded, Holy Roller spoke up. “Yes, my sister in Celestia’s Light, you are probably correct. Also, we may need to hold our positions during the battle.”
“So the weakest fighter needs ta be the one ta throws the switch,” Swirly said.
“Exactly, Swirly,” Noble said. “The one most likely to be killed should be the one to throw the switch. Wait... Why are you all looking at me?”
“Crusher hit monster with ax. Light use sword. Swirly use magic. Holy have magic and mace," the barbarian pointed out. "Bard no need break new lute on monster like last one."
Noble sighed. “You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?”
“Nope,” they all answered together.
“Fine,” Noble Gem said as she slunk off toward the wall switch. Crusher took up a position on the pressure plate to Light Hooves’ right, allowing the others access to the ones closer to the exit. To Crusher’s right, Swirly stomped onto the next floor switch, leaving the final one for Holy Roller. With the others in position and all four lights beside the switch glowing, Noble pulled down on it.
It stopped halfway.
The floor trembled beneath their hooves as a loud thunk issued from the depths. The serenity of the water’s surface was marred by ripples, followed by bubbles, as the water seemed to boil.
“The switch won’t go down all the way!" Noble yelled. "I can’t open the door!”
“I’ll come help,” Holy Roller said. “Hey, what’s going on here? I can’t move my hooves.”
“The plates are magnetized!” Light Hooves yelled as she strained to lift her legs. “Our horseshoes are sticking to them.”
Noble lifted her legs experimentally. “I’m still free over here."
“Glad ta hears it, swank-flanks. We gonna needs ya free ta helps fight dat thing.”
At that moment, a huge head broke the surface of the water. It looked vaguely like a pony, but instead of a fur coat, it was covered in oily green scales. In place of a mane, a spiked fin stood straight up. Its teeth were as sharp as knives and its eyes—each the size of a regular pony—were the color of blood.
As it emerged further and its lower half became visible, octopus-like tentacles splayed out across the room. The largest ones attached themselves to the floor, while the rest were held menacingly in the air.
Swirly fired the first shot, striking the beast in the face with a glob of acid. The octopony retaliated by slamming one of its tentacles down onto the floor, but instead of aiming for Swirly, it attacked slightly to her side. Noble Gem narrowly evaded the blow.
“I can’t reach its body,” Light Hooves said.
“Then attack the tentacles!” Holy Roller yelled back.
Heeding her advice, the paladin slashed deeply into the monster’s nearest appendage, a tentacle which was fastened securely to the ground beside her. The creature briefly roared in response, then renewed its cry when Holy Roller also struck a tentacle.
"Hey, I just realized something," Rainbow said. "How are we hitting it if our hooves are all attached to the floor?"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Hm. That's a good point." She raised a hoof to her chin, humming softly while she mulled it over. "Maybe you're holding the weapons in your mouths?"
"Then how are we talking?"
Sighing, Twilight shook her head. "Magic."
"Seriously? You can't think of anything better than that?" Dash countered.
"Would you prefer to say that you have an 'experienced tongue'?"
"Magic it is."
Despite the other attacks, the beast’s gaze was still locked onto the bard. In an attempt to transfer its attention to somepony else, she ran toward Crusher. After she finished moving, her lute’s music filled the air.
Crusher, for his part, hacked away at a tentacle. Swirly focused her attention on the same one, firing a bolt of crimson energy at the ax wound.
Despite the damage done by the others, the octopony turned once more to face Noble Gem and slapped at her again. The blow knocked her to the floor, flat on her belly, and the tentacle curled to grip her. She rolled to the side, however, narrowly avoiding it. "I thought I was supposed to be safe," she yelled.
Light Hooves and Holy Roller continued to strike it, but instead of joining the attack, Noble Gem ran around the room once more and took up a position on the opposite side, next to the cleric.
“Crusher very angry,” muttered the barbarian. “Crusher smash ugly thing.” Once more, his ax sliced deeply into the enormous tentacle beside him. The next shot from Swirly’s horn finished the job; the tentacle was completely severed and the monster’s grip on the floor weakened, causing it to dip slightly into the water.
“Great job, big guy!” Holy Roller shouted. As she yelled, the monster turned in her direction. “Uh oh.” A quick swipe from one of the smaller appendages knocked her down, but due to her hooves being fastened to the floor, she involuntarily sprang right back into a standing position. The same blow sent Noble Gem reeling again.
The paladin struck the closest target once again, but as the cleric prepared to do the same, she was stopped by the bard. “Wait! I’m badly hurt. I might not survive another hit.”
“Oh all right,” Holy Roller said. Instead of attacking, she cast a healing spell to restore most of Noble Gem’s lost vitality. The bard immediately picked herself up and sprinted around the room again, stopping halfway between Crusher and Swirly.
“Hey, waits a minute,” said Swirly as she watched Crusher take a swing, but miss due the monster’s main body being out of reach. “I gots an idea. It’s only chasing after Noble Gem, so if I makes her invisible, it might stops attacking.”
“Do it,” the others confirmed.
“Good thing I thought I might needs this spell. Yo, NG, heads up.” Swirly’s horn flared, causing Noble to vanish.
The reaction from the beast was immediate. It rotated its head all the way around the room, searching for Noble. When it couldn't find her, it released its tentacles from the floor, one at a time, and attached them higher on the walls, lifting its bulk out of the water completely.
“What in tarnation?" Light exclaimed. “I mean, why is it climbing?” High up above their heads, well outside the range of their weapons, the octopony came to a stop.
“So it’s just gonna stay up there?” Holy said.
“Why it no attack?”
Noble Gem’s voice came from somewhere near Crusher. “I don’t understand either.” When she spoke, the monster shifted slightly. “Is it only after me?” It moved again.
Light turned to the sorceress. “Swirly, can you take the invisibility off her?”
“Nope. Once she disappears, I can’t brings her back. The spell needs ta wears off on its own. It’ll just takes a minute or two.”
Applejack leaned back and stretched her neck. “I reckon we should take a minute to strategize.”
“Sounds good,” Rainbow said.
Rarity tapped rhythmically on the table with one of her hooves as she thought about it. “It seems to me that hacking away at tentacles won’t actually kill the octopony."
“We’re trying to kill it?” said Pinkie. “I thought we were just trying to drop it back into the water so it hits the last pressure plate and lets us open the door.” As the others stared at her, Pinkie pulled a pin from her mane and dropped it onto the floor. “Hey, I really did hear it!”
“Pinkie.” Twilight spoke slowly, carefully enunciating every syllable as locks of her hair popped up. “How in Equestria did you know about the last plate? Nopony had spotted that yet.”
“Just a hunch.”
The octopony suddenly released its grip on the walls and fell back down. In one quick movement, it bit Swirly’s head off, then began using its tentacles to pound her remains into paste.
“Okay, fine. That didn’t really happen.” Twilight brushed her mane back into place as she shrugged off the six bemused stares directed at her. “The fight is still ruined, though.”
“It’ll be fine, sugarcube," Applejack said. "Nothin’s really changed since we were focusing on the tentacles anyway. Now we just know what’ll happen when we win.”
Twilight sighed and shook her head before putting the screen back in place. “Okay, let’s get back to it for real."
The moment the invisibility spell wore off, the octopony descended again. Its new position put the three remaining anchor tentacles beside Crusher, Holy Roller, and Light Hooves. Combat immediately resumed.
The rest of the battle passed in a blur as Light and Crusher hacked away at the tentacles closest to them while Swirly destroyed the one near Holy. Noble Gem continued to run away, never allowing the beast to corner her. Holy Roller’s efforts were focused on keeping the bard healed.
At last, the final tentacle was severed and the octopony fell down into the water, immediately sinking down into the pool and landing on the final pressure plate. Noble Gem rushed to the exit and threw the switch. The door shuddered and slid open, the sound of grinding rocks assailing the ears of all the adventurers, who found their hooves released from the magnetic grip.
Crusher led the way as the party entered another corridor. Halfway down it, something clicked under one of his hooves and he found himself bathed in flames as spears were flung from holes in the walls. A quick splash of conjured water extinguished his mane, and the damage from the spears was healed by Holy Roller’s weakest spell.
At the end of the passage, the party found another wooden door. “Crusher pick lock."
Twilight groaned. “Forget it. Let’s just say this one isn’t even locked."
Crusher smashed the door anyway.
As the party stepped into the next room, they immediately noticed that the walls were all frozen over and the floor was coated in two inches of fine snow. In the center of the chamber, upon a throne of ice, sat an ethereal horse with a crystalline crown atop its head.
The king of the Windigos.
“And we’re going to leave it on a cliffhanger this time,” Twilight said.
Rainbow jumped up and yelled, “What?! Are you serious?”
Twilight pointed to the clock on the wall. “Look at the time. It’s after midnight.”
“Oh.”
“Aw shucks," Applejack said. She stood up and stretched. "I’ve gotta get back to the farm and get some sleep. I shoulda already been in bed.”
Fluttershy scrambled to clear away her share of the mess. “And I need to feed the nocturnal critters before I go to bed. I'm already late! I hope they're not angry with me."
As soon as the books and papers were packed away, and the clutter had been picked up, the others hastened home. “Spike,” Twilight said, “take a letter.” The yawning dragon obediently put down his comic book, then picked up a scroll and quill.
“What is that, sister?” Luna asked as she walked into Celestia’s room. Celestia was sitting on a cushion beside her bed, poring over a scroll.
“It’s a letter from Twilight. She was just telling me about a game she’s been playing with her friends, and the lessons she’s learned about friendship because of it.”
Luna sat down beside Celestia. “What sort of game?”
“I’m not entirely sure, but they’ve been playing every Saturday night for over a month. It’s something called an RPG. It apparently involves using dice to fight monsters. I don’t really understand it.” Celestia glanced over at her sister and found her grinning like a madmare. Luna hopped up onto her hooves and bounded to the door.
“Where are you going?” said Celestia.
“To get my dice!”
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Luna's going to join Twilight's game? Awesome!
And it makes sense that Pinkie would meta-game. And Fluttershy as the angry barbarian is hilarious! Picturing those lines in her normal voice is just too cute!
Best strategy ever. Nice one, Rainbow.
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I laughed more than i read seriously this was funny i still am laughing from the temple of trixie!
Can't tell if Pinkie is too aware of gaming tropes, or simply puzzled it out.
BTW what's lulu gonna be?
3766495
You know I can't spoil that.
3766454
If you could tell, it wouldn't be Pinkie, would it?
(Luna emoticon) Been stuck on the moon for 1,000 years: I need to get my dice bag!
3766515 Please pretty please i'll give you a +3 wheel of destruction and spandex!!
BINWIN!
And that ending, so great. ^_^ I can't wait for the next one!
Heh, the Barbarian Thief reminded me all too much of the Autistic Giant melee Adept I'd played for a while in Shadowrun. He wound up having a horrible vendetta against locked cars and an overwhelming urge to climb buildings. It was glorious. He also lived the longest out of all my characters (still alive, just doped up to his eyeballs in a supermax prison).
Ah, the timeless "Rocks fall, everybody dies." kill-off.
Is this gonna be a bunch of vignettes, or are we gonna have an overarching plotline?
3767576
Each chapter has unique elements and subplots, but the main story is slowly building up and taking shape. The format will remain roughly the same, however.
3767139
I've never actually used falling rocks. The only time I've ever intentionally killed off an entire party, it was by having them run a fetch quest for a gnome. They inadvertently brought him the last components he needed to split atoms.
You know, I'm not a tabletop RPG player but I still found this hilarious. You get my fave good sir!
If I may offer a suggestion on things the party could do. I would suggest anything from this video:
It's from a series called Counter Monkey by a guy named Noah Antwiler a.k.a "The Spoony One". Counter Monkey is a series where he basically tells his stories related to D&D and other tabletop RPGs. They're funny as hell and very informative, even if you're like me and don't play RPGs.
I would almost pay to see Rarity use the Bardic Knock Spell or any of the other tricks in the video. Plus, Twilight seems like the kind of DM that would just love that sort of thing.
3768737
I'm very familiar with Spoony, but I've never watched his Counter Monkey videos. I'll give it a shot sometime. Thanks.
3769303
No problem. I'm glad I could show them to you!
Watch the one I linked at the very least. He gives a whole bunch of hilarious ideas for bards and the use of the bluff, intimidate, and diplomacy skills.
Whatever you choose to do. I look forward to seeing it!
Some of my best sessions were playing a barbarian. High strength, constitution, and dex. Charisma and intelligence were average. Wisdom was a 5. Smart enough to figure something out, not wise enough to NOT do it.
Buttons, levers, switches, cursed items... if it could be manipulated or equipped, he'd do it. Truthfully I think that character was responsible for more party member deaths than the DM.
Oh dear god.
If RAinbow can break the game...
I have no clue what Luna would do...
~Skeeter The Lurker
3769596
That sounds awesome. It's always fun being in a game where your own party members are a bigger threat than anything the DM throws at you. Maybe I'll put my regular group through a game like that once our current one wraps up.
3770063
Luna? Break the game? Where would you get a silly idea like that?
When I played awhile back, my group barely finished two dungeons in that time.
WHY ARENT MY D&D GAMES LIKE THIS
3771364
Well, the game didn't necessarily start at level 1, nor is the first chapter necessarily their first game.
Also, I love Crusher too.
3773423
Most games aren't, I'm sad to say. The best way to liven a game up is to make a ridiculous character with an off-the-wall personality and hope the mindset infects the other players.
This is wonderful in every way.
But my favorite moment had to be the prayer to trixie 
Now to have luna help by making the game map in dreamscape mode and bring the others with her that would be awesome
Me: "Wat?"
-
3767701
I did that once, kinda. I used burning asteroids to destroy the floating 'dungeon' that was in the Twilight Realm from LOZ Twilight Princess.
-
This is hilarious!
This fic is utterly hilarious. More please.
But seriously... I haven't enjoyed a fic quite like this in a while.
3983685 I'm glad you've enjoyed it. My updates tend to be sparse due to constant demands on my time, but I try to make up for my lack of quantity with even more quality. My current priority is updating my other major fic, There Goes the Neighborhood, but once that's done, this story will get a doozy of a chapter.
3983760
That's fine. I don't actually mind if updates on a given story are slow. So long as the wait is worth it, I could wait for literal years. And trust me, you aren't the slowest updater I follow.
That said, so long as the quality is the same as it has been, you'll never disappoint me.
3983760 i recodnise your avatar from somewhere, but i cannot remember the specific video where that monk used a chainsaw....
4174495
It's a screen cap from The Gamers: Dorkness Rising. I hope you've seen it, but if you haven't, you should look into it.
3803178 double meanings
if she actually eat her as food it would probably be a case of baked bads
4174506 i have, that is why i was trying to remember where it came from.
Reminds me of when I was on my church's bowling league. My team's name was Holy
ShitSplitFor a second I thought Holy Roller was going to be a cleric of Trixie.
3773892
Funnily enough, I'm finding that with my current Rise of the Runelords game. One of the players is running a Dwarf barbarian (who doesn't really "get" civilisation...) and he's stealing the show. Even the NPCs think of the party mostly the dwarf and his minions. (And, by frag, practically handing me the plot tie-ins gift-wrapped...)
That particular player always has a tendancy to do that, actually - one time, when we were playing Rolemaster, he played the best evil character in a good party I've ever seen. And the only time in the ENTIRE campaign he ever took damage was when he fell off his horse. There was, at one point, a crossbow trap. The rest of us were rushing through and getting show. The player said he walked through... And every single bolt missed (there was like a dozen or eighteen or something). The rest of and the DM just sat there with jaws agape... Truly he was favoured by the Dark Side.
Of course Twilight is GM.
After all, she does canonically have RPG experience playing Ogres and Oubliettes with her brother and his friends.
3767139
Nope, just a rock farmer.
...I'll have to remember Rainbow/Fluttershy's methods of lock picking.
4183887 Also important is the Bardic Knock spell.
*walks up to door, knocks on it*
Because who expects your enemies to knock?
4183873
I don't see why anyone would downvote that comment. It's a fair question, although you've probably seen by now that Spike does have a presence in chapter 3. He'll be a fixture in the ongoing story.
4183887
It's been years since my brother came up with that idea, but I never forgot about it. Unfortunately, the poor guy has never been able to use it in a game.
Whelp. Shenanigans like that only really work for one session.
Don't worry, y'all can rest assured that subsequent traps will be overkill-deadly and doors will be made out of solid titanium with impenetrable force-fields.
But Luna joining in? THIS I'VE GOT TO SEE.
... My barbarian tried to smash a door once... I rolled a one and dislocated my arm.
Haven't read it yet, but this will be interesting...
Cheers Prak.
4185744
Just keep it in mind next time you're looking for a few giggles, eh?
4185808
No problem, eh?
I see Twilight had her "Rocks fall, everyone dies!" moment with Pinkie's character, there.
Luna gettin' in on this, awww yeah.