Crossed Eyes, Cross Stallion
"Please reconsider this idea." O'Malley begged, grabbing onto Sarge's hind legs as he walked up to the door.
"You had your chance." Sarge laughed, kicking O'Malley off of his legs. "Besides, it won't be that bad."
"It won't?" O'Malley asked hopefully.
"Nope. It'll be worse." Sarge said with a large grin, before knocking on the door loudly. "Hey Caboose, you in there?
"Yes? Who is it?" Caboose asked from upstairs.
"If we leave now we can still make it!" O'Malley said, pulling on Sarge's hind legs again. "If you let me leave I will make your death as painless as I can at the time when I take over this world."
"Depends, are you going to try making that weather machine again?" Sarge asked.
"...I haven't thought that far ahead." O'Malley said quietly.
"Caboose, get out here. I got you a gift!"
"Oh boy, I love gifts!" Caboose yelled and the sound of hooves slamming against stairs came from inside.
O'Malley let go of Sarge and began slowly walking backwards as the sound of Caboose got louder and louder. The door shot open and O'Malley yelped, turned around and began to run, but he was tackled to the ground and slammed his chin into the ground.
"O'Malley?" Caboose asked as he got off the floor. He turned to Sarge and looked at him with a look of confusion. "Where is the present."
"It's O'Malley." Sarge muttered.
"I will feed him everyday!" Caboose cooed as he hugged O'Malley's stomach.
"Fine, both of your deaths will be long and painful." O'Malley said as he shifted his eyes from Sarge to Caboose. "Perhaps it will involve barbed wire and lemon juice. Or maybe I'll make you watch the Howard Stern show."
"I will name him Bleep!" Caboose gasped.
"I'm enjoying this already, how about you?" Sarge asked with a rough laugh. he looked back at Caboose. "Listen Blue, I need you to find something for O'mal-"
"Bleep."
"Right, I need you to find a job for Bleep. I don't care what it is."
"Can you tell the future?" Caboose asked as he smiled brightly at O'Malley.
"Yes. You will feel the highest amounts of pain and beg for death." O'Malley growled, lifting his lip to bare his teeth.
"Well that doesn't sound fun." Caboose said, rubbing his chin. "Can you make food?"
"I could shove you in an oven and try." O'Malley suggested.
"I don't know, that sounds awfully warm..."
"Don't try anything O'Malley." Sarge sighed. "Could kick your ass any day of the week."
"Did you see what I did to that tree?" O'Malley laughed.
"You didn't see what he did to Carolina." Sarge smirked. "Besides, Caboose has a higher kill ratio than you. Probably because you spend all your time talking and not enough time doing anything."
"Yes, well... shut up... fool!"
"Uh-huh. Good luck with him Caboose. Don't rough him up too bad." Sarge said, patting Caboose on the back as he began walking back to the farm.
"Okay!" Caboose chirped happily, grabbing O'Malley by throwing his left foreleg around his neck. "Come Bleep, we have a world to save!"
"Excuse me?" O'Malley asked groggily as Caboose dragged O'Malley forward.
"Gummy told me how to make a rocket ship, so we're going to try and find aliens in space and fight them before they drink our blood!" Caboose exclaimed as he punched the door open with his other hoof.
"Please, what is it made of? Paper-mâché?" O'Malley began laughing, but was cut short when he saw the plans for a rocket plastered over every surface of the bakery. "What..."
"They're the plans for the rocket!" Pinkie laughed, coming out of the kitchen with blueprints on her back and a pirate hat on her head. She stopped and tilted her head at O'Malley, then she looked at Caboose an her look became dead serious. "Corporal Caboose, who is this?"
"A friend." Caboose whooped as he put on his eye patch. "Private Pinkie, where is Captain Gummy?"
"In the back." Pinkie said slowly, eyeing O'Malley cautiously. "Why is he here?"
"Sarge gave me him as a gift!"
"Well it would be rude to not accept a gift." Pinkie nodded. "How are you at flying rockets?"
"Me? I'm not." O'malley muttered, but his eyes quickly went from the plans and then to Pinkie. "But I'm a fast learner."
"DO you have any experience with machinery?" Pinkie asked, now walking around O'Malley, occasionally prodding him.
"Er, a robot and a machine to control the weather." O'Malley said, flinching whenever she hit him.
"I see. Well we have been having problems with our weather machine, so maybe we could get you to check that out later." Pinkie said thoughtfully.
"You have a weather machine?" O'Malley asked with surprise, but it quickly turned to concern. "What were you planning to use it for?"
"I dunno." Pinkie said honestly.
"Well you don't just build a weather machine for no reason." O'Malley grunted.
"Who told him about the weather machine?" Caboose asked hastily, tackling O'Malley to the ground. "Brigadier Bleep, are you a spy?"
"No, I am not a spy. But Brigadier?" O'Malley laughed darkly.
"You aren't a Butt Brigadier, you're only a regular one."
"I see. I seem to have escalated the rank quickly."
"Nope." For Pinkie's Privater Party Patrol, the ranks are as follows; Brigadier, Corporal is equal to Private, except on Wednesdays when Butt Brigadiers hold their weekly barbeque, then they toss a coin to see who gets control for that day, and then Captain is first."
"That seems deliciously idiotic." O'Malley said sarcastically.
"Thanks." Pinkie smiled, then stuck out her hoof. "Welcome aboard Brigadier Bleep!"
"Er, thank you." O'Malley said quietly as he quickly shook her hoof and trotted towards the kitchen impatiently. "Now, where is your rocket? In the backyard you said?"
"Yup. But we have Brigadier Derpy guarding it at the moment. So no funny business until we find out you aren't a spy." Pinkie said as she hopped next to him.
"And when you fools find out I'm not a spy?" O'Malley asked.
"Then you can have as much funny business I want." Pinkie giggled.
"Then I can have open access to your weather machine?"
"Mhm. But only after you've proven useful and not a spy."
"I see. How do I do both of those things?" O'Malley muttered.
"For the first one you have to be useful by... um..." Caboose started, then began scratching his head.
"Being useful?" O'Malley finished.
"No, that's not it." Caboose shook his head. "You have to be useful."
"I... see." O'Malley said, eye twitching with annoyance. "And what about not being a spy?"
"That's classified information." Pinkie said as she silenced Caboose by holding her hoof over his mouth. "Trying to get information makes you suspicious."
"Good to know." O'Malley muttered as they reached the back door. "Have you finished nailing this thing together with wood? And how many does it fit?"
"Wood? No it's not made out of wood, that would be bad for the trees." Pinkie said as she pushed the door open, letting the suns glare shine into O'Malley's eyes making him close them. "It's made out of Tungsten!"
O'Malley rubbed his eyes and looked away from the shine to look at the rocket. Not a tall rocket by any standard, it being only forty feet tall. It was extremely pink with blue stripes and a green finish, and there were several windows scattered around it.
"Want the tour?" Pinkie asked, already at the door of the rocket.
"I think I'm safer out here." O'Malley said. How come I didn't see this on my way in? On that, how come it seems none of these- oh right, they're probably oblivious idiots.
"Alrighty, suit yourself!" Pinkie shrugged as Caboose put gummy on his head and went into the rocket. "We have fifty-eight and a half seats in there."
"It would be stupid to ask what the half seat is for, so instead I will just say why so many seats?"
"Well if the test works out then I will make this a moon tour!" Pinkie said. She gasped and jumped into the rocket. "I should ask Luna if there are any cool places to visit!"
"Mhm." O'Malley grunted, then glanced over to see a gray pegasus sitting next to him, staring at the rocket dumbly. He looked at her flank and saw bubbles, then scoffed. "Who are you?"
"I'm Brigadier Derpy." Derpy smiled. "So you're that new recruit I've been hearing about, huh?"
"Er... yes?" O'Malley asked quietly. "I mean yes, I am. Brigadier O'Mal-"
"Brigadier Bleep!" Caboose yelled from the middle of the rocket.
"That isn't my name!" O'Malley snapped.
"It is if you want to come into this rocket!"
"I don't want to." O'Malley muttered, shaking his head at Cabooses mental deficiency.
"Too late, no take backs!"
O'Malley closed his eyes and bit his tongue, hesitant to insult one who has access to a weather machine that he could potentially use. He relaxed and looked at one of the windows to see Caboose staring at him. O'Malley gave him an extremely reluctant nod.
"Brigadier Derpy, give Brigadier Bleep a hug, he seems sad!" Caboose said, disappearing back into the rocket.
"Don't do it." O'Malley said, pushing Derpy away as he sat down to watch the rocket.
"But-"
"No. Just no. I don't want to catch what you three have."
"What do we have?"
"A meager amount of active brain cells." O'Malley muttered.
"Is meager a lot?" Derp tilted her head and smiled.
"Sure." O'Malley rolled his eyes and stared at the rocket. "So does she own this place or what?"
"I don't think so." Derpy said curiously. "Mr. Cake runs the place with Mrs. Cake. They just let her do her thing."
"Hmm." O'Malley grunted as he rubbed his chin, then looked up to her hat. "And what is your hat for?"
"I'm the mailmare."
"Of?"
"I go where I'm needed. When I get called upon, I act upon, for delivering mail is my calling. When an old mare needs her medicine, I'll be there to deliver it. When a colt needs a wheel for something, I will be there to give it. When I need a muffin, I bring it to myself. Be there blizzard, thunder shower or hurricane, I will be there to deliver." Derpy said dutifully, saluting to no one in particular. "I don't just work for Ponyville, I work for Equestria. But I'm not the mailmare Equestria needs, I'm the mailmare Equestria deserves."
"Doesn't say much of their needs of a postal service." O'Malley noted.
"Oh, and what is that supposed to mean?" Derpy asked, unfurling her wings.
"Nothing." O'Malley chuckled.
"Any spies out there?" Pinkie asked as she slammed open the window on the rocket ship.
"I don't know, I think Brigadier Bleep might be one." Derpy muttered.
"What? No I'm not! How dare you even consider that!" O'Malley said quickly.
"Okay." Pinkie smiled, then closed the window. "Are all systems go?"
"Yes! No, wait. What is this blinking light?" Caboose asked.
"That's not a light, that's a button, and it-"
"Oh boy I love buttons!" Caboose screamed.
The sound of horns wailing erupted from Sugar Cube Corner, making O'Malley slam his hooves over his shriek and bellow a threat at the sound. O'Malley looked at the rocket and smoke began bellowing out of the bottom, filling the area around Derpy and himself in a thick, gray mist. The rockets then came on and fire shot out of the bottom, lifting the rocket off the ground. O'Malley watched in awe as the rocket flawlessly floated into the air. It suddenly shot forward and within seconds it disappeared from his sight.
"Well that was fun." Derpy giggled as she patted O'Malley on the back, then walked into Sugar Cube corner. "Come on Bleep, this call for a celebration!"
"It actually worked." O'Malley blinked dumbly. "And if that worked, then the weather machine must be near completion."
"Yeah, there's just a few kinks left in it. That Gummy sure is an inventor. And nobody would have found out until Caboose put him on his head."
"What? Why?"
"When Caboose puts Captain Gummy on his head they can talk to each other through their minds." Derpy said, looking around shifilty as she leaned in closer to him. "Legend has it that together they form a being called the Great Destroyer, and their power can rival that of the Royal Sisters combined!"
"Well that's enough mild stupidity for today." O'Malley muttered, temporarily forgetting the weather machine as he began walking away.
"Sorry, but I have direct orders to keep an eye on you." Derpy said, running in front of him.
"By who? I was with you the entire time and heard no such thing." O'Malley growled, trying to push past her.
"Corporal Caboose did." Derpy said, pushing him back. "Well, Captain Gummy told corporal Caboose to tell me that before you got here."
"Right, now's the part where I tell you to leave me alone." O'Malley sighed a he walked around her. "Leave me alone."
"Sorry, I'm going to have to follow you to make sure you don't snoop around."
"Do what you wish as long as it doesn't involve talking with me."
Derpy nodded and began hopping after O'Malley, flapping her wings with each flap, sending her flying a few extra meters with her jumps. O'Malley stopped and looked around the front of Sugar Cube Corner and saw nobody in sight. He looked behind him to see Derpy had stopped hopping and was hiding behind a box, watching him carefully. O'Malley trembled, wanting to do something about this pest. He then thought about all the technologies Gummy could have produced with Caboose, so he put the thoughts of violence temporarily to the side. Those could come later. O'Malley turned back around and began to walk around Ponyville, getting the feel of the area to make plans for the future. Like where each of his thirty-two gold plated statues would go.
"Wow, that sun sure is hot, huh?" Derpy asked after ten minutes of walking as she squinted at the sun.
"Mhm." O'Malley murmured, annoyed that his plan would have to wait. "Why don't you do the world a favor and continue staring at the sun until your eyes melt out of your head?"
"How would that be doing the world a favor?" Derpy asked, keeping her gaze on the sun as she followed O'Malley.
"Well for one it would be doing me a favor, then I would do the world a favor by not telling anyone."
"But why wouldn't you tell anyone? Eye melting doesn't happen everyday!"
"The world can be cruel, hm?" O'Malley inquired as they reached the town's fountain. "Not enough eye melting, too many annoying horses trying to get along with you."
"Aw, you're not that annoying." Derpy said, then shook her head. "If I saw somepony's eyes melt I would tell everypony! Wow, that sure would be something to see. I hope it wouldn't hurt them though. Do eyeballs grow back?"
"We could find out." O'Malley said, stopping by the fountain. He glanced around quickly. No ponies were in the area.
"No thanks, I don't want to try it on you." Derpy chuckled. "What if it did hurt?"
"Well you could laugh."
"I guess, but that's not very nice." Derpy sighed, stepping next to O'Malley to look at his reflection. "Y'know, you seem really familiar."
"That's my reflection, you fool." O'Malley grunted.
"I know that, I mean you look a lot like that Neighoming guy who moved in town a short while ago." Derpy said quietly.
"Neighoming? Sorry, I don't know any-" O'Malley stopped and turned to her, recognizing the familiarity. "What does he look like?"
"Well, like you... except you look stronger... and he's yellow." Derpy said, then looked around nervously before leaning in to whisper. "And he has a really strange voice. Like really strange. And neither of you have cutie marks."
"I see..." O'Malley muttered, staring back at his reflection.
"Actually now that I think about it..." Derpy said slowly, squinting at O'Malley like she did to the sun. "That's been happening a lot recently. There was another pony that came to town a bit ago who didn't have a cutie mark when I met him. His name was Church! And then there was that one who beat up those meanie pegasi..."
"Was her name Tex?"
"So you do know her..." Derpy said slowly. "Where are you staying right now?"
"That is none of your concern." O'Malley said icily, walking away from the fountain.
"Whoopsies, sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude." Derpy said quickly, looking back at the fountain. She took off her hat and began flapping it in front of her face to cool off. "You should take a break since it's a really hot day though, are you sure you should be walking around non-stop?"
"Because I have matters to attend to." O'Malley growled, looking back at how she was standing by the fountain, completely defenseless. He looked around again. Still no witnesses. He smiled darkly and began walking towards her. "You're right, I should break something."
"Who said you should break something? That's just silly." Derpy laughed, letting go of her hat. "I was just saying it was really hot."
"Then why don't you go for a swim?" O'Malley snarled, jumping towards Derpy.
"Whoops, dropped my hat!" Derpy laughed, lowering her head to the ground to place the hat back atop her head. A large splash came from beside her and she glanced over to see O'Malley trying to stand up. "What are you doing in there?"
"Oh, just going for a delightful swim." O'Malley said sarcastically, slipping back down.
"But you're not supposed to swim in the fountain." Derpy giggled, then glanced around, eyes unable to focus on the same thing. She then looked at her reflection in the fountain to make sure her hat was in place. Satisfied, she looked up at O'Malley. "How does it look."
"Fantastic." O'Malley muttered, climbing out of the fountain. "It looks so fantastic that I wish I had a hat that looked like it."
"We can't just give anypony this hat." Derpy shook her head, thinking he was serious.
"Darn, well I guess we have nothing more to talk about." O'Malley said, then stopped. "Say, do you know where town hall is?"
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Sorry no chapter last night, Cait is moving to California and I'm moving into an apartment closer to my school with my friend so we spent the night together. Might be no chapter tomorrow since that's when we're setting up the internet at my place. Also I don't have the attention span to write 6k words, so have a double long one instead.
And ffs, before anyone says it, there will be no O'Derpy, or any other way you can put those two names together.
WHOOOO good job Darkwing your on your 200th chapterdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
"Curses, foiled again!"
Silly O'Malley. You will always be foiled by the forces of adorable.
Derpy has so much win that she doesn't even know she has so much win!
Please say you are going to write there space adventure. Because it would simply be awsome on so many levels. The shear awsomeness would make Rainbow Dash jealous.
Please say you are going to write their space adventure. That would be awesome on so many levels it would make Rainbow Dash jealous.
Started reading Cheerlie's garden got up to the part where Sweetie belle gets murdered by rats
....then this updated and i'm glad it did. I needed something to laugh at because i certainly couldn't read anymore of that story after that.
Good chapter by the way
Oh crap is o'malley really going to go to town hall? If he is then i know why hes going.1216146
i hereby dub it Derp'malley!
'"We can't just give anypony this hat." Derpy shook his head, thinking he was serious.'
Is anyone else concerned that Caboose and Pinkie just blasted off in a rocket?
... Anyone?
... No one?
Okay just making sure.
Rockets make everything BETTER!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
1216524
Fixed that 20 minutes ago.
Might make it a new rule to pm me errors because they just take up comment space.
...
I'll give you a couple of sketches to see what the Great Destroyer could be.
wiki.guildwars.com/images/thumb/9/9e/The_Great_Destroyer_concept_art.jpg/300px-The_Great_Destroyer_concept_art.jpg
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2009/2/4/128782715113151391.jpg
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Destroyer%2Bof%2BWorlds.%2BJust%2Bthought%2Bthis%2Bwas%2Bawesome_964101_3682206.jpg
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/186/b/b/destroyer_of_worlds_by_craigarndt-d563cnz.png
media.giantbomb.com/uploads/3/39440/1230944-800px_the_destroyer_2_super.jpg
Do any of these match Derpy?
1216575
debluebird.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/logo1.gif
Were do i signup to join their squad!?
200 chapters of goodness. i think this is the longest written story on here.
This story is SO AWESOME!!!
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png Just a few minor spelling errors here and there, but nothing too bad.
Keep up the good work. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png Can't wait for the next chapter!
o.0 pinkie and caboose are something else damn hilarious SPACE ADVENTURE!! xDD grats on ch. 200!! :D
I'm not the mailmare Equestria needs, I'm the mailmare Equestria deserves.
well said derpy, batman would be proud
1216146 Hahahaaaa, someone knows their fan base well....pffff, hahahahaaa.
Ah god idk what it is, but there was just something hilarious about that last part..hehehaaa.
Process of reading a story:-
#1. Read the story
#2. Ponder who can be shipped
#3. Confront grammar issues
#4. Demand MOAR (with complimentary picture)
#5. Post a 'Dis Gon Be Gud' gif
#6. Find another story
#7. Repeat process
"Fine, both of your deaths will be long and painful." O'Malley said as he shifted his eyes from Sarge to Caboose. "Perhaps it will involve barbed wire and lemon juice. Or maybe I'll make you watch the Howard Stern show."
You sick bastard!!
I would never make ANYONE ever watch the Howard Stern Show!!
1216435
Eh just a Typical Monday for them
1216412
Nah, Darkwing says he's not letting that happen. Besides, the Derpster deserves a better stallion (mare?) than O'malley could ever be. Hell, the only pony I can think of that DOES deserve a shipping with our wall-eyed mare is Princess Luna.
1216705
Yes... Gods so much F-ing yes that I should be vomiting royal rainbows of joyous laughter. You, you sir deserve a thousand internets.
A rocket made out of TUNGSTEN!?!? What's next, making a new Sheila?
... that would be awesome.
Congrats on Ch 200! Here's to an awesome story!
Hey man, I hate to say it, but you might be digging yourself into a hole here. I mean, two new A.I's are being introduced, but aren't in the story. This is a pretty substantial plot hole, as Epsilon would have had all the A.I's. Not only that, but Carolina's personality was severly flawed. I'm not saying this is your fault, far from it, but it's getting pretty bad due to you not knowing what happens next in the RVB universe.
1217648
Or, that Carolina was really a fake sent to test their fighting skills by an other-worldly power, and the real Carolina never came in after them. And the Epsilon unit wasn't a storage device, but a forerunner artifact which could transport someone to another dimension. Did you ever think of that?
1217740 That is the perfect explanation!
Furthermore, there were only six statues that the AI could turn into proper bodies at the site where they were revived from Epsilon. The other, less powerful AI would be released as pure life energy and would have to create their own bodies. Right now I'm thinking that Carolina's AI could be a pair of fragile pegasi.
And let's not forget season 6, in which Washington implied that the Alpha was split hundreds, if not thousands of times. Just look at all the lights in the map they chose for that scene; they're all supposed to be recovered AI... I think.
blahblahblahgreatstoryblahblahblahwritemoreblahblahblah
There's just one error that stands out to me. "Derpy nodded and began hopping after O'Malley, flapping her wings with each flap, sending her flying a few extra meters with her jumps." That doesn't seem quite right...
1216146
derp'mally!
(That arlight I'm fine with no derpy-o'mally...but if gary was more keen onto jumping into people heads why not omally? Just asking, but it funnier when he's not in someones head)
1217740 Even so, the other A.I's would still be there on the fact that they were created by Epsilon (Church's) memories. This means that all the A.I's in service would have been ressurected.
1217648
They are going to be in it and I already set up how, so take that ye of little faith.
And yeah, as for Carolina being off character, can't really help that since she was only shown to be nice ONCE in the series before season 10. And that was to York, because she liked him.
1219307 Yeah, and after the episode where she saw York's log, I feel really bad for her. I feel bad for all of them, even Maine, South, and Wyoming, they were all just pawns in the Director's plan. Also, is Church (or Epsilon) going to start remembering what the Director did to them?
derp'Malley for side-villain
Congrats on the 200 chapters mark.
REFERENCE SENSES TINLGING >_> <_<
I see bad things ahead...
You had fun writing this chapter didn't you.
That O'Malley is a spy!
First no rest for the wicked, now the great destroyer? Get some borderlands 2 in here!!!1216575
the last one looks cute. I like derpylands, great way to look at the amazing and attractive qualities of our favorite mailmare. Also its a derpy / borderlands thing I made up.
Awww.... I reeally liked the Concept of O'Derpy...
I'm making ships for all of the AIs
Delta - Zecora
Omega - Derpy
Gamma - Nopony. He's too l33t to be restricted to one Shisno.
Theta - Angel. JK.
Sigma - The Human Torch. They have so much in common.
O'MalleyxDerpy. I demand thou shippith it right now!
2826372 no! if anypony is going to be with derpy, it's the doctor!!!!! i wil shout you to death! -takes deep breath- FUS-RO-DAH!..
2826372. OMG I THOUGHT THE SAME THING. LOL
Omally is too funny!
2860353 Ok... now I'm torn between my main ship, Derptor, and O'derpy.... WHAT DO I DOOOO????!!!!
2860353 YOL TOOR SHUL!
"You didn't see what he did to Carolina." Sarge smirked. "Besides, Caboose has a higher kill ratio than you. Probably because you spend all your time talking and not enough time doing anything."
Oh BURN