• Member Since 12th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 28th, 2017

electreXcessive


I am an average everyday brony. I like to let my creative juices flow and create things. I'm always striving to improve, so I hope you enjoy my stories.

E
Source

After so many months, Rarity gets the fateful news of Spike's inevitable fate.

Author's Note: Part of a competition with my good friend The Tobacconist. Our challenge was to write a fic where Spike breaks up with Rarity. The maximum word limit was two-thousand words. Hope you enjoy.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 30 )

I kind of like how we both had flowers as a theme for this competition.

3400677
You just gave me one of the best laughs I have had in a long time, thank you.

I am legit crying right now

nice and sad, as well as very well done

Yes! That is awesome! Though I didn't cry but I did feel something. Good story man, good story.

nope. i just can't read this. i'm not thaaat masochist... just seing that Rarity's sad face... oh gosh, no. :raritycry:

OmniFox #8 · Oct 26th, 2013 · · 1 ·

Spike giving up just like that?
HELL NO!!!!

The feels, man. So many feels. :fluttercry:

2000 words dead. Not bad. Short of course, but well written and very sad

:raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry: Why you post it?

SHL

:fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:
The feels.... Uuuuuuf.... Poor Rarity and Spike.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Wilted Roses

Grammar score: 9 out of 10
If there was anything wrong with the story then it was beyond my skill to find.
Pros:
1)The feels. I felt them. I thought you portrayed the sadness of a dying loved one very well.
2)I thought the wording was very descriptive without being excessively wordy.
3)Both Rarity and Spike were portrayed quite well. I can easily imagine Spike being willing to sacrifice anything for Rarity. And I can easily see Rarity not wanting to let her "knight in scaly armor" go.
Cons:
1)I don't think that the ponies would pull the plug on anyone. They are just too caring and optimistic. I think that they would keep fighting and looking for a cure. I think that Spike would have just forbid Rarity from returning to his mind until he died or was cured.
2)I think there was a minor age issue. How old are they exactly? We know from the show that Spike is almost as old as Twilight and he is still a baby. In this story you make it seem like he was a teen dragon/young adult. So, when did he grow up?
3)It was too short. It wasn't rushed, just too short. I need more feels. (Sorry if this is kind of a sucky con but I can't find a better one:twilightblush:)

Notes: *Slowly claps*
Quite good, I enjoyed this immensely.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Facility 0013

I think I just died inside:fluttercry::raritycry: poor spike

This review is brought to you on behalf of the "Authors Helping Authors" Group.
Name of story: "Wilted Roses"
Grammar score: 9 out of 10

This is a fresh peek through the eyes of those dealing with death. I think the stories palpability was strongest in Rarity's reactions and her constant denial. Even the doctor, who had to break the news to Rarity every single day, was a nice touch, as few of us can even fathom what doctors think when baring the bad news. However, while your sensory descriptions and character reactions were solid, I found the overall result to be toothless. Nearly everything you've described failed to resonate, and I was left with a disturbing amount to be desired.

Here is my analysis.

Pro: (1.) You have a firm grasp on showing without being excessive. I clearly envisioned your characters doing what you've described, and the need to skim was kept at a minimum. Which is something pretty rare for me. Showing emotions is a great way to spur the readers into discovering the reasons behind things, and you're clearly talented in that.

Pro: (2.) The Characters actually felt real. Your facial cues and bodily reactions in between dialogue was spot-on. Besides Rarity slapping the doctor, nothing in your characters seemed forced. Honestly, I think the strongest character depiction was Spike. It was deliciously clear that he was troubled the moment he entered the scene, which engraved the story's tone until the very end. Very, truly bittersweet.

Pro: (3.) I think showing Equestria's pity through 'mercy killing' was a decent direction to take. It presents an issue within the peaceful diarchy that could quickly undermine everything the Founders of Equestria strode to create: Love and Tolerance for all. That's what had me nodding by the end of this read; leaving me with a question that I could answer with my own disturbed imagination. Well done.

Now, brace yourself.

Con (1.) This story suffered a SEVERE lack of clarity. While I can appreciate a slow reveal, taking the reader through buildup and tension, the actual revelation behind everything was toneless and unclear. For starters, I would loved to see a paragraph or two describing how Rarity and Spike hooked up. More desired, was a clearer explanation of why Spike was in the hospital. The most we got was 'helping Rarity out' and 'a carriage'. The Hell happened with the carriage? Did it crash into his skull? Did it knock him down, bashing his head against a rock? Did he dive out of the way and bash his head against a rock? Without firm, direct, unswerving explanation of the events you've set, I cannot be made to fully care about your characters' situation. Now, I understand you had a word limit, but trust me, a story can be told in MANY forms. Some can even be told in 200 words. I cover that topic below.

Con (2.) This issue actually irritated me. Next to having no clue how old Spike was, or understanding how he became so cold and accepting of Death, he felt incredibly out of character. I understand you wished to depict an older Spike that has matured and seen the fruits of life, taking it for all its flaws and mishaps. But what the Hell? Did he just wakeup one morning with this sagely knowledge? Were there unspeakable tribulations he endured, including love, that gave him the attitude you've described? I don't know. I have no clue. And that is where your characters failed. While this is reminiscent of 'lack of clarity', it's important in its own right; without backstory, characters are just characters--husks with faces that shed tears and lament their words. We see they're troubled, we see they're in pain, but we can't. Actually. Care.

Con (3.) This is where it all comes full circle and connects everything I've said in this review: lack of storytelling. Beyond 'The same thing. Every time.' and 'The carriage', nothing in this fic could be described as anything but 'well-crafted showing'. While I applaud your foreshadowing of the story's end, that was one of a sad few that kept me from moving on before finishing. Showing without explanation is a pitfall MANY authors (myself included :trixieshiftleft:) are faced with. And, unfortunately, that is what makes beautifully described characters empty, intentionally heart-wrenching scenarios laughable, and entire stories an unfair waste of both the reader's AND the author's time. Remember this well. When you're going for a certain feel, you must take pains to explain what you're getting at. Make. Us. Care. Also note (I can't stress this enough), brevity is the soul of wit.

A decent attempt, made more impressive because of the word limit, but it could have been so much more with a dose of backstory. This receives a neutral vote from me, and is left with my best regards for improved quality down the road. Best of luck to you.

Craine...

PS: it's not a necessity, but you may read and review my story "Thrive" if you feel so inclined. Just a thousand word oneshot. No need to rush, though. Honestly, I only joined this group to do as the title suggests :raritywink:

3520113
The worst part for me was not the word limit, but the time limit I was placed under :( Thanks for the feedback though! I'll try to do better next time!

This was actually very well done.

I really enjoyed the story. It wasn't overly complex, but it didn't really need to be. It was just a simple good bye and having to deal with losing those you care for. Having lost someone I care about, it is hard to let go and its hard to move on. I would have love to see more on how Rarity coping with the death of Spike, but with only 2000 words to use, it worked well enough.

A lot of people thought that 'Spike giving up was weak'. I actually thought it was relatable. I thought, "If I was in that situation, I would act the same way" If you are watching someone you deeply care about hurting everyday and the reason why is that they are desperately holding on to a glimmer of hope that doesn't exist, it would be a hard thing to tell them the reality of it. Death is especially hard when it is someone you care about and Spike has accepted that his death will bring Rarity peace, because he won't be suffering anymore and she won't have to watch him suffer and vise versa. Is it hard? Yes. Does it happen? Yes. Do people (ponies) recover? Yes. It's hard, but they do. So, really, I relate to Spike's choice to keep Rarity from hurting.

Again, my only problem was that it was only 2000 words and I would have really loved to seem more depth with the two. Other than that, good story. It worked well for being short and the characters were still what they should be, at least I think. Thanks for letting me read. I look forward to more in the future. Take care. :pinkiehappy:

(P.S. I'm not a fan of SpikexRarity, but that didn't stop me from enjoying this.)

So sad!!!!!!!!!!!:raritycry::raritycry::fluttercry::applecry:

4146313

Sometimes, a writer doesn't have to have a back story

What? Are you serious? If any writer wants to have a 'complete' feel to their work, backstory is an absolute necessity. Just thought I'd say that before I get to the real issue here.

I'd like to address the view of 'reader interpretation'. It's a very fickle, very vague, very sensitive, and very, very stupid mistress. But the one thing that MUST be said here and now is this; Never leave readers guessing the plot itself. The ending? That's passable to SOME degree--a spur of curiosity, a dread for the future--it all plays gently with reader interpretation. Leaving out valuable points and info makes us imagine things, sure, but who's writing the story here? Us, or the author? As readers, our imaginations run rampant when images are PUT into our head. The author of this tale succeeded in that regard with brevity I can respect.

The out of character stance is equally necessary, because this isn't original fiction. It's fanfiction; based off of characters that already exist. Canonically, Spike and Rarity never actually hooked up. Canonically, Spike never showed a knowledge and acceptance of death. And Rarity most CERTAINLY never slapped anyone. To that end, without backstory, how the Hell can these actions be relatable or even believable? Imagination is great and all, but if I was just going to read a story just to imagine the whole thing, I'd write it myself.

You don't need a "tell all" story, you need a "mysterious outlook, a different take on life" story. Those are the best.

Actually, 'tell-all' stories, AND 'mysterious-different take on life' stories are the best. ESPECIALLY with characters. They are the soul of any story after all.

The best literature only tells what needs to be told, not a huge back story with everything explained!

On the contrary, these two go hand-in-hand. I only emphasized the backstory issue because, clearly, the author put this fic in the group to detect flaws with our help. And in my experience, stories are never actually complete without backstory. I didn't ask for an epilogue or an extra ten thousand words. How authors go about telling their stories is their own business--as long as they actually tell it.

I like this. 2000 words is a little short, but you've managed to get the entire story out.

WHY CRUEL WORLD!? I love it but I'm sad too. :raritycry: :fluttercry: :applecry:

In Her day he only broke his leg, Here it's a total feels,,,,,poor precious scales


http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2015/040/4/4/her_day_by_hillbe-d8hbsfi.jpg

Ach, dangit, you did a sad one.

Speaking of, it's a pity you were restricted at 2K words. I wouldn't have minded having more insight regarding what led them to that situation. I liked it, though.

6149585
Thanks for taking a look at it XD

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