Nightshroud is a Lunar Guard like many others. Unlike many others, however, he just can't seem to get Princess Luna out of his head. He is determined to approach the Princess with his feelings, but what chance does he have?
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 18th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 21st, 2023
ChromeMyriad
In a box under the stairs.
ChromeMyriad
Joined 18th Jul, 2013 ·
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Cute story
.....
This story has only one major flaw, but perhaps it was a mistake.
It is marked as 'completed.' The smooth writing style and adorable story suggest that this is a mistake.
Needless to say, I loved it.
...one-shot...that's a joke, right? You're good-naturedly ribbing me, aren't you? If that was a one-shot as opposed to a beautifully-woven tale with great characters and a decent plot, then I'm the Queen of England. No, I refuse to accept that. I hereby do away with your perception of reality and replace with my own, one in which you have expanded this into a story with no fewer than 10 or so chapters. Now go do it.
Also, have a fave and like.
3382220>>3381766>>3381641
Alright, so the initial reaction to this story seems to be 'ONE-SHOT? EH?'
I have to admit, I could go places with this story. My only real gripe would be that I have a tendency to go dark and dramatic with stories when they go on a bit long for me. Even as I'm thinking about what to write next, I can see writer-me grinning evilly at me over his steepled fingers. I want this story to be fun and light-hearted, so I'll do what I can to keep his bony fingers away from the keyboard. It would just be laziness on my part to keep this as a one-shot.
Sooo, more chapters confirmed, I suppose. I'm busy with college and another story I'm writing, but a break is coming up, so hopefully I'll put in some work on both within the next month or so.
3382529
Why thank you good sir.
3382529
Yes! Look forward to reading it. Thank you very much!
3382529
If you want any help on expanding this story...I'd love to offer my assistance!
i also want to offer my help, for this story needs a mustache
3395618>>3392538>>3395133
Anyone who wants to help with this story, go ahead and PM me with what you'd like to do. I can't work on it much right now due to exams, but I have some free time this upcoming weekend.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Lunar Gravity
Grammar score out of 10 (10)
Pros
1. Your sense of humor shines through very well. The combination of Blackwell acting as the joker and Nightshroud as the strait man is perfect.
2. Your inclusion of Flash Sentry was unexpected, simple, and funny. He was there, he served his purpose, and he was gone.
3. The play between Celestia and Luna read just as sisters would talk to each other.
Cons (list three cons)
1. The only thing that I can find to even nit-pick about is that Luna seemed to switch from threating to accepting a little too quickly. However, with her having seen his dreams she might be more flattered that he took the chance to profess his love than I realize. As I said, I am really having to stretch to even find anything to comment on negatively.
2. I’ve got nothing.
3. Even your grammar is perfect.
Notes:
I really cannot see a way you can improve this. The only thing I would suggest is that you add a chapter or two more to this wonderful story.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Luna’s Nightmare Night Challenge.
Hilarious and very well written.
Welcome to my favorites.
This fic amuses me so.
continue the story
3477365
Rest assured, it's in the works.
3382529
I wonder what dreams he was having....
3521953 We may never know...
3521958
But we can always dream...
3522004
Sshhh don't let Luna hear you...
3522010
Oh really...
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/100/1/e/luna_trollface_by_spaerk-d3dp4k7.png
3522033
Oh. Uhm... Hi, Princess! So how have you been? Good? Good... I know how this looks, but I only wrote this fic to... um... why is your horn glowing?
3522053
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120908225442/mlp/images/thumb/9/9d/Luna_Magic_S2E4.png/480px-Luna_Magic_S2E4.png
"...And that's how foals are made."
"But how does that explain the weird black streak on the ground?"
3522110
3522127
media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/a6/d8/3b/a6d83b878780a443dc405fc24747941d.jpg
3522164
I want to reply with something clever, but all I can think about is how when someone replies to a comment I made on one of my stories, it sends me two notifications. It makes my OCD act up. *twitch*
3522190
Really... *proceeds to cackle fiendishly and rub hooves together*
3522254
Hydra.... wut are you doin
Hydra
Stahp
3522286
Don't you mean 'stop'?
3522299
Correction, it sends me two notifications on-site and an e-mail. Oh Celestia, now I have both tabs open.
3522306
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/330/1/c/princess_trollestia_by_daddius-d5mb1j3.jpg
3522328
Now I closed the tab with my email, but my email is linked to my phone! GAH! Modern technology, why you do this?
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/067/f/d/crazy_twilight_by_ackdari-d4s16e7.png
3522333
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK6zxE1GJqQ]
3522364
This video makes everything better.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/609_large.jpg
3522383
Ah technology. Allowing me to annoy people since... well about an hour ago it would seem.
Here is your return review on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of the story: Lunar Gravity
Grammar score: 10/10
The grammar was great and the dialogue very well punctuated. There was nothing that drew me out of the story's flow as I read.
Pros:
The dialogue was very engaging and although the idea behind the story is old the jokes were fresh and the execution sharp and enjoyable.
The dynamic between the royal sisters was excellent and showed their depth and experience. It was far better than the stuff I usually get in stories about them. The relationship between those two is one of my favorites to read when it is well done and the usual comedy involving the princesses often gets too silly to be interesting anymore.
Cons:
I feel like Luna's depth as a character turned more shallow when Nightshroud confronted her about his feelings. Although we learn that she has already been aware of him, I imagine she would have been more stern and calculating in her acceptance of him.
Regarding Nightshade's dialogue with Luna: I thought some of his responses to her comments were a bit too clever or well-thought-out. I think he would be a bit more dumbfounded that she would even consider him. Even just adding a little more body language to their whole conversation would probably clear that up for me.
Notes:
Again, I love finding authors who can write Celestia and Luna well. The story had me smiling the whole way through and I definitely look forward to more.
Also, I personally liked the bash on Flash Sentry and hope you will continue to give him trouble if you expand the story. He deserves a good couple of emotional bruises... just a suggestion ;)
I actually really enjoyed this! I couldn't help smiling and giggling. It was full of fluff, and this is actually my first exposure to Luna fluff, and I have to say that I FRIGGIN LOVE IT!
Can't wait to read more!
Yes.
That is all.
3573405
Message received.
...
Also thank you.
Yay! =)
with luck..,maybe celestia will find her special somepony.
(I've always wondered...the alicorn amulet probably would help with an ageless spell....)
Very well-written! Keep it up!
3574489>>3573457
Glad you guys liked it! The next chapter should come out a bit faster now that I have some help.
I like the detail you added, Im sitting here thinking, "yay I'm finally usefull!"
This story is very cute. Give me a charming romance over sappy clop any day!
Great to see this chapter go up, it looks great. As usual, the way you write Celestia and Luna's interactions displays a closeness and dynamic between them that I want to see more of in this fandom. Thanks again!
Also thanks for the credit. I didn't expect that.
This review is proudly brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of story: Lunar Gravity
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9.99 (you have no idea how much it hurt me to type that)
Pros:
1) The interactions between Princesses Celestia and Luna feel incredibly natural. It's strange that I can imagine you writing them in-character, since we've never actually seen them in more "relaxed" and "isolated" times.
2) When I read about Nightshroud and Blackwell together, I don't feel like I'm reading about two fictional lunar guardponies: I feel like I'm reading a scene from 2 1/2 men, with Nightshroud as Alan and Blackwell as Charlie. It feels great.
3) This was amazingly well-structured. The scene transitions happened at precisely the correct time.
Cons:
1) This is a very personal thing (simply because I'm actually stumped to find any real issue with this story), but I feel like the dig at Flash Sentry was a bit unnecessary. He cops so much flak from the fandom, it gets tiring. I'm yet to read a story with him shed in a good light (written by a decent author, at least).
2) I found two of the teeniest, tiniest nit-picky grammar errors. This saddens me more than usual, because I TRULY wanted to grade you a perfect ten (you'd have been the first person I give it to, ever).
3) This is an even smaller issue, but you might want to consider making it just that *little* more obvious with your scene transitions.
Notes:
Holy balls, a princess/OC shipping story with merit! WOW! Sun, I am very approving! Everything from the way the Princesses interact with each other, to the juxtaposition in attitudes about dating between Nightshroud and Blackwell, to the bar scene with the disbelieving patrons and barkeep.. it all felt natural and flowed flawlessly. There was not a single moment where the story felt either rushed or slow in any way. Everypony's general attitudes with each other were perfectly natural and believable. Even though I thought that Luna's change in attitude was rather abrupt at first (going from seemingly pissed off to being cute and giddy), you made it immediately clear afterwards why this attitude-shift was present.
This (along with Unimpressive Vagaries' Moonlight) is one of the best Princess shipping fics I've ever read. Like his, this is made even more astounding by the fact that it involves an OC. I can definitely draw very similar attitudes and feelings between Nightshroud and Gizmo (his OC); perhaps, you've both found the perfect way to write about a lower/middle class citizen wooing royalty. Your methods were different, but the feeling was the same. And that feeling was "d'awww."
As otherwise perfect as this story is to me--and this is really driving me insane to the point of literally groaning and cringing at my keyboard--I found two minor errors in your grammar:
quiet?
question mark.
The only other point I can say that might need improvement is the way you split scenes. It took me a double take (upon which I noticed the double enter hit) to realise that the scene had changed. I suggest that you either insert a horizontal line between scenes, or chuck a few centered asterisks in there.
This is going into my favourites list for sure. I will be eagerly awaiting updates. Please, continue your stellar work.
This has been your review for AHA, by Cerulean Voice. I'm pleased that you liked my story These Flowers Never Bloom and I await your official review of its sequel story, Keeper of the Crystal Heart.
Final personal score (based on grammar and execution): 9.5 (my highest score given yet). Be proud.
3621050
Considering the quality of your own work, I am indeed proud.
I've never watched 2 1/2 men. I suppose I'll have to look it up. It must be good.
Hmm, the scene change issue has me a tiny bit confused. Are you not able to see the horizontal rules, or are they simply too light? Fixing the grammar issues (
so close).
3621062
Curse this new format.
Wait, there are actually horizontal rules?
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING, IT'S TOO DARK!
I'm sorry...
Also, if you're gonna watch 2 1/2 men at all, you should really stick to everything before season 9. They replaced Charlie with a different character called Walden and the show has taken a turn for the worse in humour and quality.
3744413
Thanks so much for taking the time, Golden Vision. I'm glad I came to WRITE with this story as it helps to have both a professional opinion and an extra set of eyes. This was, indeed, originally intended to be a one-shot. The second chapter holds something resembling justification for the characters' actions. In truth, trying to turn what was a one-shot written in an afternoon into a full-fledged story has been difficult at best.
I'm particularly glad you mentioned my 'show, don't tell' woes. I've heard similarly from other vetted critics. BP has actually been very helpful in explaining to me exactly what I was doing wrong. Knowing what I know now, I think it would be best to salvage the premise and scrap the story, as it were.
I think I'd like to restart the story and give it a real arc rather than trying to create one from a shadow. From a reader's standpoint, would it be less jarring to insert chapters here in order to flesh out the story, or cancel this instance of it and restart it afresh in another location?
Before I even read this, I have to ask something. Shouldn't there be a "other" or an "OC" tag on? Because what your tags are telling me is that this is a CelestiaXLuna ship. But your description says otherwise... maybe.
