Celestia hasn't taken one day off since she banished Nightmare Moon all those years ago. Its hard to believe, but when you had to rule a kingdom by yourself for a thousand years, it becomes second nature to never stop working.
But Luna thinks she would benefit from spending the day with her as sisters, the same way they did when they were fillies. It would nice to get out of the castle for a day, letting their manes hang loose. And so Celestia takes her up on the idea.
At the same time, Celestia has been experiencing nightmares about a certain day of her life. It continues to haunt her, but she doesn't know why for sure. Maybe today, she can get past it...
Cover image by Dragk.
WARNING: There is no clop in this story. I just used that image because it matches a scene at the end. Its more like snuggling your favorite pet. And this has an Everyone rating anyways, silly filly.
"comtinues" in the story description.
I like the premise of this, I shall make sure to check it out when I've got a chance.
"Cover image by Dragk."
NNNNNOPE! NOPE NOPE NOPE!
This was both fun and beautiful - thank you!
There are a lot of little writing mistakes - repeated and misused words, little typos, etc. - but not enough (for me, at least) to affect the impact of the story too adversely. If you'd like more detailed proofing notes let me know.
In the mean time: very nicely done, and thank you for sharing this with everypony
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
This story is very touching and quite an enjoyable read. I have to applaud you for this one now, but considering I don't have hands... I'll have to settle with giving you a Pinkie Smile
Bravo mate... Bravo...
*hits Read Later* Definitely gonna-*sees picture and collapses from cuteness*
This is a nice little story :) Well done!
*Sees cover image*
Oh boy here we go again... Wait it's not a clop fic, what a twist!
And let it be known that on this day, many a tear was shed. some for how beautiful you made their relationship in this, and some purely for the quality of writing of the fic. well done sir, well done. and now to the panel.
I faved so I could read later because I thought I was going to be too busy to read it now...then I realized I had already finished my classed for the semester, and I don't go to work until monday, and I have no chores to do around the house...i had plenty of time, and I enjoyed every second of this story. Now it's bed time, and I will sleep fantastically.
This is an unfortunate disappointment. The premise, from the feature box, was so good that I had to click this story. You really had a good idea in you. But with terrible execution and a comedy aspect to the story that completely derailed the serious story you could have had, this fic came out as little more than a rambling of tell-don't-show narrative with an ridiculously high dialogue to narration ratio.
Next time when you have a synopsis this good, make the story match it.
o-o
Sounds like a griffon version of FlashLight
Oh god... I feel the need to post a reference...
"You did WHAT?!"
Guards walk in like:
What is Luna doing in Celestia's bed...
3365883
Yeah, I used it because it matched what the final scene has.
And oh my gosh....I didn't think it would hit number one in the feature box. I haven't done that since Pinkie Pie Discovers Coffee, and that was over a year ago.
You have no idea how much I needed this. After the emotions of finishing Kiss of the Dark, and the stressful day I just went through, this is what I needed to see. Thank you all so much.
3365883
OR IS IT?
This was an awesome little story and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I know there are others who would say that it was poorly executed but those people need to get the stick out of their butt. Not every story has to be some twenty chapter novel about anguish and loss, trials, tribulations, and soul crushing retribution.
I love what you did here, you told a simple story about two sisters, one hurt and the other wanting to help, she knew what was going on (as I suspected) and did what she thought was best to help her sister. Don't change, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.
3367033
Thank you.
Oddly enough, I really did write one of those long stories like that with my previous project, Kiss of the Dark.
Criticism first. That one time you changed perspective to Rainbow Dash wasn't necessary and is a bit disruptive, considering how unimportant she was to the story. I am also wondering if the dialogue "how do you react to your dream" is kind of forced. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem like something she would have said afterwards, and was just there to force that confession out of Celestia.
Other than that, I enjoyed this. It is good to see a fic with Celestia and Luna hanging out together. It has its funny moments with the way others react to them being in public. I got a good sense that Celestia was having lots of fun and being nostalgic of the old times. The ending is good, with the sisters putting the horrible part of their past behind them, the dream seizing signifying Celestia's emotional resolution after talking things over with Luna, so overall, the story worked. So yeah, thumbs up.
3367451
I can't argue with the part about the dream line, but the Dash segment was my way of trying not to be redundant with the way I was portraying the race. I wanted to mix up how many ways you can say "they reached this destination by flying really fast" and that was my attempt at it.
Still, thank you for your consideration.
3367451
Also, the Dash bit was a leftover from the original blueprint of the story. Tia and Luna were planned to go around flying, not really as a competition, but they would still pass by Ponyville.
Dash would notice them flying by, and tried to keep up with them. But then the sisters decide to show off and fly faster than even Dash, and she couldn't keep up with them.
But after writing the intro dream sequence, I decided to just make ir a race that Dash got roped into.
Really, the race and cloud slide bits were completely improvised as I wrote them, though I tend to come up with ideas fast, so if they seem to be weaker parts of the story, that's the reason.
3367033
Execution is not about writing a million chapter of epic stuff. Execution means the author conveys the emotion or theme or whatever they want through their story, and that includes short stories. While it personally worked for me as light fluffy reading on Celestia bonding with Luna, if it didn't work for someone else, I think it is good to hear why the story didn't resonate for them emotionally. After all, this story depends on that 'dawww' feeling you get from reading Celestia and Luna being all sisterly, and if that part fails, the story fails.
Couple of minor grammar errors throughout, but this one I just couldn't resist:
No shit, really? That's news to me, bro. I had no idea time passes with time. I'll keep that in mind.
Just giving you a bad time. Great story!
3367513
I really liked the race and cloud bit. The cloud slide was creative and really fun to read about. I just thought that part with Rainbow Dash's scene just felt out of place, introduced a character that didn't matter at all, and it interrupted the flow of the race scenes.
A bit of a soft spot has formed inside of me.
It is a soft spot for both princesses.
This story probably increased it by triple.
3367622
Is it called a heart? Because in Whoville they say, that a heart can grow three sizes in a day.
"Warning: No clop"?
Why not "Rejoice! No clop!"?
3367909
Cuz some of us are into that kinda thing. *shrugs*
3366953
Regardless of what an overly critical reader thinks *glares at Alondro*, I thought this was a great story!
3367909
Because I think some guys saw the cover and imagined it getting cloppy.
3368290
I think there is a really good reason why, considering who the artist is.
3368411
Honestly, I have no idea what else the guy draws. I was browsing Derpibooru for an image that would fit the ending well, found that, thought it was adorable as hell, so I picked it.
I do understand the artist gets a little bit of heat for what else he makes, but IMO it doesn't take away from the fact that this image is just perfect for my story.
3368468
You don't understand.
Normally I respect all artist, including the clop artist, but Dragk makes me wanna puke.
He draws his OC fucking and raping the princesses, as well as Lauren Faust's OC. Hell he even did a picture of his OC with Philomena. It's fucking disgusting and selfish.
I have no quarrel with you choosing one of his pics for your cover art, but I just felt you probably needed to understand what I'm getting at, considering the nature of the artist.
3367532
For the most part, I agree with you. However, I dislike people who crap on someone else's work without giving a compelling reason. When I see something like that all I see, is "I don't like your story because you didn't write it the way I would have"
Okay, read it now...and I sniffled at the end, too. Overcoming Nightmare Moon in more than just the Wave Motion (Friendship) Gun is always awesome. ^_^
Very touching. Very heartfelt. Nice to read on a peaceful evening.
Damn it I wanted more :'(
That was a really great story, I hope that I find more like it.
*hint, hint* (anyone got some good ones?)
is this by anychance lunestia? or is it more of a sisterly bonding without any romantic or sexual love added? i run the celestia x luna shipping group and that is why i ask.
3373235
I think you could argue there's some scenes bordering on being shippy, but its really not. Its more sisterly bonding than anything else.
3368634 3365550 oh right, that bastard
I'm an obnoxious semi-moral jerk at best, but Even Evil Has Standards.
The story itself was quite cute. I feel like there were some pacing issues here and there, but overall it was a sweet, inoffensive read.
3374163
I'll probably read the story.
But like you said, evil does have lines where crossing it means it is unforgivable.
Frankly, that line is pretty close by. Rape shouldn't be treated like art.
Alright, here's the deal. This story is OK. Great premise, good cover photo, and the storyline was great.
But the story itself could use some great improvement. In many ways.
First off, the storytelling in itself. For most to all of the story, it's either very rushed, static, and/or misplaced.
• When I say misplaced, I'm particularly talking about when you suddenly switched to Rainbow Dash's POV. There were some other points, too, but that was the big one. Now, it definitely can be done, and can work well when executed correctly, but you did not do that.
• Rushed. A well-paced story is hard to judge, because it can be somewhat subjective. But this story is definitely rushed in places.
• Static. It has a little bit to do with the way you have things organized and ordered here. It almost seems as if the order is exactly the same throughout the whole story—description, dialogue, action, and repeat—with a few differences and not nearly as much emotion as this kind of story would require. There was also another thing that irked me for this—a lack of thought from Celestia. I'm not sure if you didn't do this because you didn't know how, or you didn't think of it, or what, but there were a few good points where a little bit of Celestia's thinking could be added, or altered with other parts of description. For example:
You could make that into:
Now, that's not exactly how you may want it to sound like in your story, but you get what I'm trying to say.
Another issue I had was with the way you formatted the story, specifically with description. I felt like I was reading a magazine article, because you made a new paragraph every two or three sentences. Don't be afraid to make it a big paragraph—granted, not too big, to the point where it becomes a wall of text, but still big.
Another thing that you could do—and this is another part of that "static" comment—is combining different types of writing. And when I say "types of writing", I mean things like dialogue, description, action, emotion, and thought. In your writing, you make it very clear about which is which by clearly separating them, when in fact, it is okay—in fact, I would encourage it—to combine them, otherwise it can feel . . . lacking, if you know what I mean. Here, let me show you.
This is a section from your story:
This is how I would edit it:
Notice the difference? Again, the adjectives are up to you, but you see what I'm getting at.
If you're still reading this, I hope it will help you!
If I offended you in any way, I'm sorry, I was only trying to help.
But if you feel this helped . . . great! I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. Thank you, and have a great day/morning/afternoon/evening/rest of your life/whatever.
3375193
....after reading parts of it, I think I realized that I'm really not in a good mental state right now. But thanks for the advice.
Beautiful story. Regardless of writing issues, it was quite a wonderful reading. Have fun in your future writings!
3366918
Wait... it got featured on the top spot?
Also guys, for anyone wondering about the cover image, it was either that or a pic of Celestia and Luna playing outside in a pool. But I liked this one better, so I told Soothing to use this one. So you can kinda thank me for a cloppy-looking cover image.
3378159
At its peak, yeah.
3378473
Well... I'm not surprised, actually.
Although the punctuation and pacing could've been better, it it didn't affect the story badly. I thought it was well-conceived, sweet, and left me feeling peaceful. Keep writing!