Flight

A young pegasus yearns for the freedom of flight, eyes fixed towards the sky. Yet, he finds himself flightless without his father to teach him and a unicorn mother with no knowledge of flying. What will the young colt do to find his place in the clouds, where he belongs?

(A/N) I'm not sure If I will include any of the main characters in anything other than support roles. Until I've made up my mind only the OC tag will be active.

On hiatus until further notice

Chapters (2)

Prologue: A Battle in the Sky · 1st Nov 2013 · 1,795 words
1,795
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1: Family and Dreams · 23rd Nov 2013 · 1,570 words
1,570
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Comments ( 4 )

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TheGuyWithTheFace

TheGuyWithTheFace #1 · Nov 3rd, 2013 · · · Prologue: A Battle in the Sky ·

Hey, I'm returning the favor for your excellent review of my story.

Grammar score: 8, though I must admit this is my main weakness so I might not be the best judge but the only problem I saw was a missing word or two and a lack of transitions (granted that might not fall under grammar per say)

Pros:
very interesting hook to the rest of the story, I'm assuming it will be about the aftermath of the Sgt's death for his family
I really liked the medic, falling star, and how I could tell he was a seasoned medic from such little dialog
you did an excellent job describing the chase and the general state of the city

cons:
As I mentioned above, some transitional word would be helpful, as is the sentences feel jumpy if that makes any sense

The Sgt does really show any emotion during the whole thing, he saves a guard (who i assume is under his command) but barely reacts when said guard is attacked right in front of him

As good as having things go to shit just as they're going well is, i can't really find a way to justify how this severely injured griffon survived dive-bombing a full battalion and trying to kill the commander. Maybe add a small note of how he was driven out of the shield by magic blasts or something.

That's about it, I'd suggest fleshing out Areo more but seeing as this is just a prologue it wold do much. Try to add more transitions to make things flow better and keep an eye out for plot holes so you can head them off and you'll be in great shape. I'll be keeping an eye on you

my_little_medic

my_little_medic #2 · Nov 5th, 2013 · · · Prologue: A Battle in the Sky ·

I loved it and can't wait for more! You did a fantastic job portraying Falling Star, I think you've given me the motivation to continue his story! Thank you and keep it up!!!