- Member Since 30th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 21st, 2019
ambion
Work hard. Learn. And use your skills to better Equestria. That's a worthy goal for anypony!
ambion
Joined 30th Mar, 2012 ·
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....
i can tell this is refrencing something
but what?
Very few technical errors in this (most are just missing commas after end quotes), ambion.
I really like what you did with this. The story's beginning induces a bit of trepidation in the reader, which only grows as the plot progresses. Just enough is stated so that you have a general sense of what's happened, but a great deal of it is implied, which is a style I happen to like. Makes it more interesting that way.
I thought Fluttershy was done well in this piece. Every reaction she had seemed natural to her character, especially in the last bit at the end, with the candles a-flaring. Of course, since this is a shorter piece, she's not particularly well-developed, but I find myself not really caring about that. "Snow White's Bane" (or whatever she was called) is an interesting character. Certainly not unique, in the sense that it's essentially the Nightmare in a different host, but I like your take on it. Having the Nightmare actually take control of Applejack by overwriting her personality is kinda neat, and the fact that Applejack herself is just not there at all gave me goosebumps. Like, with Luna, you can see the natural progression that led her to hosting the Nightmare, as she still had bits of her old self in that form. But this... there's nothing. And honestly, I think I was scared more by that fact than I was by the twist at the end, though I loved the ending.
I think the part that was done the best was actually the ending. I understand the setup of this kind of story: build-up, build-up, build-up, conflict, twist. But the interesting thing about this was that, in regards to the preceding list, the conflict was actually my favorite. Everything "Applejack" says makes sense, in some twisted, logical way. Everyone of her arguments is plausible, and I found it intriguing how she mentioned that she "kept" being defeated. In a way, you've done a cool little bit of indirect characterization here with the Nightmare. Fluttershy's scene at the end was brilliant, in all honesty. You can tell that she really does believe that it's all a bad dream, and you feel a surge of hope when the shadows are stripped away.
And then the twist drops. Goddammit, ambion. I guess that's what makes this a Dark fic and not Sad/SoL...
Very well done.
It's... well, a bit "meh" for me.
I was enjoying it as an atmosphere piece up until the Nightmare showed up. After that it didn't feel like much of anything special. I think it may have actually been stronger had it just been about Fluttershy trying to cope with solitude, or if the Nightmare really had been all a dream, but she woke up to the empty house with no-one to comfort her.
But maybe that's just my personal preference for subtle fear. I'd rather see a story where nothing comes of the darkness, or which even has a "happy" ending, but nevertheless leaves me feeling unsettled.
3359104 You know, I actually agree with you whole heartedly. The first half of the story was much more satisfying to write, and ultimately the reason I chose to go with what I did was my concern that most readers would prefer a tactile, quantifiable threat over the nondescript cerebral horror I myself also prefer.
Serves me right for thinking stuff.
3358449 I do have a sort of expanded storyline in my head which I called on for referencing and context while writing this, but it changed over the course of actually writing it (doesn't it always?) A lot of this involved drastically toning down Applejack's presence, making it less a symbiosis and more a domination, as well as the involvement of the other elements, even only present in mention as they are.
I did find introducing the nightmare tricky, and while I don't think her dialogue is much a strength of the story, I really did enjoy writing out the interplay of shadows and candlelight, the eyes and the teeth.
3353982
I didn't consciously reference anything that I recall, though that said unconscious ones have happened before with me, and I imagine the format itself isn't uniquely original either. So, in short... "I dunno?"
Curious, since I'm stumbling across this again : I have some vague idea of what the story has going on, but since I rarely get the opportunity to ask an author directly 'What is it meant to mean...', well, what's the story you have in your head to go along with this? What all, well, happened prior to it?
3556140
Yeah, this story does fail a bit on conveying anything clearly. Having to explain it here proves it.
More or less, the idea here is one that works on the assumption that what made NMM was an outside force or entity (not a theory-canon I actually hold to, but worked with for this story)
Since the NMM fiasco, this malevolence is looking for a new medium, a new host if you will. And it's learned that the game isn't about how much raw power it can acquire, oh no. It's about finding the goldilocks sort of mind.
Hence Applejack.
Hence Fluttershy.
Ponies that have a lot to be afraid of, but some of the strongest resolves in facing that fear head on. And the stronger that resistance against the nightmare, the better the eventual prize, eh?
As for the story itself, it started with the simple idea of wanting to write a sequence of events in which Applejack overpowered each of the other five, one at a time. Pretty much 'cause I felt it'd be cool, and that mare seriously is underrated.
Then the idea to make it so that her motivation - and hence the basis of a story - was that she was a newly converted minion to Nightmare. There, an excuse for these events to happen. And from there I came to realize, I could do pretty unique and interesting forms of combat for the other four, but for Fluttershy?
With Fluttershy, it couldn't be a physical contest at all. Because overpowering Fluttershy physically doesn't prove anything. Hell, she'd wouldn't fight back. So I knew it'd have to be a sort of mental confrontation. A struggle of beliefs, and in fleshing out that idea, this battle sort of stood out and became distinct, and from there it became the whole of the story.
Does that help?
3556293
It does.
Although it leaves the ending still somewhat confusing, in that Fluttershy appears to face the conflict head on and, well, win; so the twist at the end that Applejack is still possessed seems somewhat bewildering, since it implies Fluttershy is doomed regardless, and therefore somewhat contrasts with the rest of the story.
If Fluttershy had done something over a line, opened herself up in some way to 'win', and thus made herself vulnerable to possession, it would work, but as is it leaves this lingering sense of...not sure. A 'well, what's the point of the mental struggle, if she could never win anyhow'?
3556379
Indeed, what is the point?
3556384
Well, if there is meant to be no greater point, then
3556293
Y'know, the author's note about not forgetting a tag made me interpret this story somewhat differently. (Or perhaps it's the same way and I'm just reading the last part of your comment wrong.)
Anyway, in my head, the story was exactly what you just described, right up until the end. Then came the author's note, and it all got flipped around. I thought "holy crap! Applejack was never in it at all!" The way I see it, AJ was never possessed - the Nightmare came straight for Fluttershy, and used an image of a corrupted friend to ignite her anger and get her to turn her back on kindness. Fluttershy's love for her friends and her fear for their safety becomes the tool for her own possession.
Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Either way, well done!
Edit: now that I think about it, I think that is the same. You say the battle became the whole story, which means that only Shy and the Nightmare are present. It doesn't matter whether or not the Nightmare went to AJ first - if so, by now the nightmare is all that's left of AJ, so it amounts to the same thing.
Maybe I should just shut up and get back to work...
Approved for Tag-A-Long's Book Club
i.imgur.com/BF6x9JM.png
and The Goodfic Bin
i.imgur.com/GizVyc0.png
The lack of a space after every single ellipsis is really bothering me.