Brook lives a simple life in a rural town in early Equestria. When the plague sweeps through his town and claims the lives of his sisters, he is distraught, and desires to see them once again. He soon finds that he can, but must promise much in return.
This was spawned from a project for my creative writing class, but I figured bronies would like it a lot more than non-bronies. Now with original(ish) music in chapter four.
Cover art from Zaorvek on Deviantart:
http://zoarvek.deviantart.com/art/The-Night-s-Reaper-333882648
Audiobook by Plundersteed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8eFXpJ-5oQ
Written by 'red Sage
Chapters (6)
Vermilion: Thanks Sage, it was really quite a spectacular read. Merry Christmas/Happy Advent to you buddy.
So far, I like the Tolkien-esque descriptions of the environment surrounding the protagonist. Even so, I find it hard to tell where exactly this is set. Is it Ponyville? Manehattan? Canterlot, even? All I can tell, so far, is that these characters with ponyish names have fallen victim to some horrible plague. Other than that, this may as well be set in Earth. I'll keep going; maybe everything will be explained later.
So, this is what I've gathered so far: Brook made a deal with Death in order to talk to the spirits of his dead relatives, and now Death is collecting on that debt by quickening the expiration of the ones Brook has come to care for. Kinda dark for pony, in my humble opinion. Still, I've seen darker. Where is this going? Why is Brook seeing Death manifested? Is he crazy? Is he sensitive to spirits? I dunno.
On the subject of writing alone, chill with the ellipses. An ellipsis is meant to indicate a pause longer than what would normally be indicated with a comma. Something along the lines of... say... three seconds. Anything shorter than that, use a comma.
I'm starting to get that this story really isn't about ponies, or about Equestria, or anything like that. This is Brook and Death. Either his experiences with death have attuned him to the suffering of others, or he's just going crazy. I can't tell. Maybe 'cause I'm buzzed. Either way, the descriptive elements of the story are still spot-on. Even though I don't know where exactly this takes place, I can see the world around Brook. You do a good job with that, at the very least.
I just... I don't even...
So, Death exists, not as a metaphysical concept or hallucination, but as a physical (non-corporeal, perhaps) creature that can be seen by others than Brook. I don't know what to make of this. I really don't.
Environmental descriptions notwithstanding, you could give a bit more consideration to the characters themselves. Reading through this, I couldn't really visualize the players, instead becoming lost in the (unrealistic?) dialogue between them. Brook seems uncommonly literate and well-spoken for a pony who grew up in a plague-stricken world and came to become a farmer. The dialogue between Toll and Brook just strikes me as mechanical, as if they are both the same character talking to itself. I wish I could explain better than that.