Okay, so.

After reading just about all of the first chapter in minute detail, I have come to the following conclusion.

Your grammar needs improvment. Better punctuation on all dialog-based sentences could be a good start. Also, remember to separate lines of speech to make things a bit clearer. I was confused in quite a few places.

The action in this chapter didn't do it for me. It was a passing thing, a fleeting commentary on the air combat, and I'm the kinda guy who wants to be inside the helmet, making the turns, firing the shots. If it's a cataclysmic wipeout, as you suggested... show us the wipeout in minute detail. I've written an action scene before, and this barely counts as one.

As far as a prologue goes, this did not serve as a good hook to the story. Nothing about it pulled me in, which is what a hook is supposed to do. Find an editor and re-write this chapter. More audience involvement, more dynamic movement. That's all I'm going to say.

>>1233812338

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I actually have been looking for an editor so hopefully that update will be here sooner rather then later, good point with making the prologue sequence and actual action sequence.

Hope you check back

Zephyr is getting popular.......

>>1311913119

Oh no, is someone else using the name?

Habanc, Me, you.....

He's actually a fimfiction user.....

Duplicate names is not that big a deal in writing.  Zephyr's name for wind, and ponied like names for common things.  I'd be really surprised if in Equestria there were a while flock of Zephyrs.  It's probably the Dick or Harry of ponidom.  In fact having too odd name can be a negative point.

Since the striker unit seems to be a unique feature from the usual MLP-verse, you need to explain them better.  I'm imagining something akin to the units from Strike Witches which is an interesting solution for an already flight capable, magic species to cope with modern air combat.

If you still need a proofreader, I'm your huckleberry.

>>1314413144

Hahah it's actually a short form of my best friend's name IRL and Zephyr here is pretty much her OC/Ponysona. I think Errant makes a good point though, that particular name would probably

>>1317913179

Think more along the lines of the ex-gear from Macross Frontier, just a big bigger and more heavily armed. I have the whole mechanics of how they work, worked out as well as a fairly technical description in my head, I'm just trying to find a place to work it in to the text.... I'm going to keep having Clanky writing letters to Ditzy and Dinky, so a full description will show up there as a response to a question from Dinky or.... Idea! I love it when a solution presents itself. Errant I did get a proofreader already for Chapters 1-3 and Chapter 3 will be live briefly, with the new edited prologues, chapters 1 and 2 going up later tonight depending on what formats I need to mess with. However I will PM you later this week and you can get your hooves on chapter 4. Thanks for the offer!

Oooh, heeey, Im in another story! Yaay!

Oh, wait...

If I get it right... I'm a mare? O_o

Okay, this is wierd...

But no worries PonyMarine!

Your story is very good!

Also, you didnt gave us a description from the characters (or I didnt found it yet....) so if you want some help to imagine 'me' look at my profile. Its blurred, but I can give you a link with a better qualified version. Oh, and I made a female version too!

And I dont think so that the name Zephyr is that common, this is the first place where I see this name, except Habanc's and Black Alicorn's stories. (I was involved by request.)

Anyway, keep up with the good work!

      Zephyr

Character descriptions are actually in the new edited that will be going live shortly, thanks for your kind words =]

Edited and revised editions of all chapters are up and flying, chapter 4 is about to go in to editing

WHOA Epic background music for the last part!!!

>>1661616616

Have to get you all pumped up for chapter 5 next week ;)

I down right love the music ya include, opened my eyes to a whole new area of music.

>>1670016700

All credit goes to my old Deathwatch (Warhammer 40k RP) DM, he loved including epic battle music with his story sections and it added a lot to the campaign for me. One of the benefits of the electronic medium versus say paper is I can actually include music with my work and I don't even have to license it haha.

More please. I love the whole thing, esp the detail of Clanky painting on their strikers. It just reads as so realistic.

I love this.

>>1714917149

I'm doing my best to give everyone an authentic pony asskicking experience, the fun really starts next chapter though

>>1789817898

Hahaha I was just reading Haylo! Always nice to see another Marine brony/military pony.

Chapter 5 is in editing, Chapter 6 is almost ready to join it in editing and I'll be starting on Chapter 7 and the 2nd Intermission here shortly. I'm also gonna take a second here to respond to a PM I got! Somepony wanted to know why nopony had a cutie mark in my little corner of Equestria! Everypony does I just haven't really bothered mentioning them in the narrative. So here's the three leads for everypony who's curious:

Flare - a stylized sun mark with a single tongue of flame coming off it, Flare earned his cutie mark diving through a burning home to rescue a trapped foal, the flames were so intense and he was going fast enough that he resembled a solar flare coming out the other side of the building, unfortunately he doesn't have Dashie's invincibility and was pretty seriously burned (he was literally on fire for a minute or two) but obviously made a full recovery with out any ill effects.

Zephyr - A nautical mark symbolizing the North Winds, Zeph picked her mark up apprenticing to a navigator of an civilian air cargo plane, navigating them through the teeth of a ferocious storm, it required no small amount of flight ability on her part as well. At one point taking the controls from the flight team to navigate through the safe course she'd determine.

Clanky - a nut and bolt, Clanky was always quite the mechanical genius growing up always tearing things apart and fixing them, her parents ended up taking her to an airshow at one point and she somehow managed to end up on the flight line and helped a military ground crew repair a striker (read: she got to watch) Clanky immediately decided that high speed aircraft were the coolest things she'd ever seen and dedicated herself to becoming a mechanic on such devices.

Does being a badass run in the Doo family?

"As soon as I find out where the hell my office is, you three’d better be in it!"

Up until that last line I had been super serious, but then I busted out laughing.

>>2033720337

Clanky's level of badass surpasses even her genetics

>>2035420354

I have to confess, I laughed my tail off for a couple minutes when I wrote that, it seemed like the perfect end cap to a mostly serious chapter.

Love the rewrites, PM!  Great descriptions, especially of the enemy fighter.   Are all the dates next to each chapter dates of last revision?

And I spotted a few typos I missed....mea culpa.  

>>2037220372

I honestly have no idea Indy, the dates just started showing up on their own this morning

Well, did ya do revisions to the earlier chapters on the 22nd?  Because I know you didn't originally post all the stories on the 22nd.  If it's dates of revision, that's a cool idea because that hints readers to go back and read earlier chapters that might have been improved.

>>2042520425

Hmmm well I reckon that must be it eeyup I did revisions in and around that date so that appears to be what it is.

Good job mate.

Your story is awesome! Gives me goosebumps.

>>2322723227

Thanks! I've been following Spirit of Knight for awhile now!

Keep up the good work, i always love a good story and this is one of the better ones i've read.

>>2535225352

Glad you're enjoying it!

Also a warm squadron welcome to our three new trackers with today's update!

So for everyone who didn't catch it and who doesn't track random and obscure factoids in US Marine Corps history, SSgt Reckless from chapter 5, is named after a REAL mare who was promoted to the rank of Staff Sergeant in the US Marines during the Korean war, she was awarded two purple hearts and a host of other medals and was generally an incredible bad ass. She was buried with full military honors at the military cemetery aboard Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton California in 1969.

I enjoyed it. It seemed to go by a bit fast however.

Oh, damn. It couldn't have been as simple as killing off two of the main characters... Could it? Either way, one hell of a cliffhanger. You write great air battles.

How do find the awesome fitting music!?

>>3023230232

Thanks DJ glad you're enjoying my little world

>>3042230422

Muwahahaahhahaha, find out this weekend! Same time, same channel! OR WILL YOU?

>>3069230692

Magic, and listening to Two Steps From Hell way tooo much this coming chapter (8) is unique because it's going to feature the first track with vocals we've seen in the story so far.

This keeps getting better and better.

Okay... if anypony wants to help out i would be willing to do a reading of this. I can handle the narrator and a couple of the male voices but i can't do female voices.

>>3664236642

That would be fucking awesome

Also welcome to our new readers, and four new trackers!

>>3664236642

As much as I'd love to voiceact, I can't do women either. I will, however, be sure to listen in if you get the project off the ground. Best of luck in your endeavour!

I love the feeling in this chapter. I've never had to experience it, but I can't imagine that there is a worse feeling for an officer than not knowing if your subordinates are still alive while behind enemy lines and that you left them behind. That's the curse of being an Officer. They have to make the calls that no one wants to make, and if that means you have to leave men behind to save the lives of the rest of your command, then that's the call you have to make. As the saying goes, "Honor the dead, but fight like Hell for the living."

I have to say this, I've kinda grown attached to the Flight Officers, Fly-boys as they are (I got family in the USAF, I've earned the right to make that joke). If I was there, damn the consequences, I'd be out there with Clanky. I will never leave someone, dead or alive, behind by choice. If I'm ever forced to,  I'm not going to leave them there and may God have mercy on any OPFOR who stands in my way, because I won't.

PS: Hooah, Marine! From a soldier in the US Army.

I agree.  This just keeps getting better and better with each chapter . . . eagerly awaiting chapter 9, and if you need/want the editing help I'd be more than willing to be your backup again because I'm getting really into this >_>

You always pick the most fitting background music.

>>1233812338 When your IN the cockpit, you don't notice every minute detail, you don't notice everything other than your little bit of space. Your fighter may roll, duck, twist, whatever, but you only notice that its moving the sights closer towards your target, or away from your enemy. Minute details run wet down your back and you can only see now.

Your scared shit-less in a firefight. Even AFTER all the training. Your whole body aches to get into combat, but once your in it, its the most confusing thing in the world. Realistically, you aren't going to get everything from a battle.

Normally battles go by that fast. Its there one second, then its gone. No time to think or remember, just do, react.

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap..........

>>3799937999

'Rah, glad you're enjoying it!

>>3876438764

You're on the editing team list now Foolz, you'll even get billing at the end lol

>>3885238852

*bows* I do my absolute best for you all, music is a big part of how I write and I want to share that with everypony.

>>3886938869

Techno you're absolutely right in how combat works and the perceptions of the same, but CFA had some excellent points as well, story telling is a written/spoken medium that strives to create a visual stimulus. At least for me what I want to do is create movie quality visuals in the minds of my readers and description is the mother of that type of visual mental stimulus. Also remember that CFA was commenting on the original of the prologue which was... a lot sparser to say the very least.

any way mid-week update and just as a word of warning I may not have an update this weekend due to holiday stuff. Updates will probably be sporadic at the end of december as well, I have mates flying in for a visit. No matter what though this fic WILL finish, especially given where we are in the stories. Fear not loyal readers, I won't let you down. *dashsalute.jpg*

>>3664236642

I'd be will to do some of the male voice overs. Marine could attest to my ability to be loud.

...I've also actually practiced basic voice acting.

the cliffhanger, it's unbearable! i loved this. this was amazing. PLEEEEEEEZE MAKE A SEQUEL!

>>4210342103

woah i derped out there. i thought this was compleat. silly me. change "sequal" to "next chapter"

>>4210742107

I have not yet begun to fight!

I'm sorry this week was an update miss everypony but some stuff came up this week (stupid holidays) that merited putting it off to ensure the best quality of writing from me, and the best quality of editing from my elite team of editing ninjas. Stormriders will only end when the story is complete and not a word before.

Hey everypony,

I am so goddamn sorry leaving you all for a couple weeks, especially on a CLIFFHANGER! I fully think I'm a bastard and I understand if you think I'm a bastard too. I hit a serious patch of burnout/writer's block and I didn't want to force it and give you all a shitty chapter. This fic is worth more then that, and you sexy, sexy readers are worth more then that to me. Chapter 9: Tundra is being worked on RIGHT NOW, and will be in editing as soon as I can wake one of my editors up.

Gad dammit, you take forever to update and then you throw another cliffhanger at me. You're killin me.

>>108138108138

Hahah I know I'm a bastard, I admit it. Chapter 10 WILL be coming shortly, it's already done and just needs editing. No cliff hanger next time I promise!

ah well, it is a good cliffhanger.

... anyone else think of that sound from metal gear when snake is spotted on that last line?

you updated! yaaaay

ok, now this, this is awesome.

WOOT.

i.

love.

this.

story.

i like those direct quotes. personal experiance?

>>118494118494

Eeyup, the first one was not to me but a recruit near me, the second was during a libbo brief during my training.

As always a big Stormriders Welcome aboard for close to TEN! new trackers who've joined us over December and in to this double update. Chapter 11 is being written now. Be patient guys this chapter is gonna be a doozy. Chapter 12 is my current planned ending and will follow shortly behind it, hopefully at the same time as a release of the prologue and chapter one of the sequel. Stormriders: Dead Seas.

I just said it in chat but i'll post it here. I love the detail in the torture scenes, it really helped to build tension and was wonderfully detailed. Also hurray for marine lore... I feel learneded

My favorite Marine history quote comes from WWII, "Is there anything you need?" - Pearl Harbor radio operator. "Send more Japs." - reply from Marine radio operator on Wake Island as the island is being attacked.

This is one of the BEST, if not THE best, military-based story I've ever had the pleasure of reading, even if it is all about Marines and Air Force (). Can't wait for the next chapter/sequel. And once again, PonyMarine, Hooah!

>>209839209839>>118358118358>>178064178064>>118494118494>>3905439054

Hey ponies! Check out http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5030/Stormriders%3A-Dead-Seas Stormriders Dead Seas is PUBLISHED! Holy shit right?

Fantastic as always. But damn, another cliffhanger for the main characters. RPG explosions are not conducive to staying healthy and quadrupedal.

>>214347214347

Don't worry our final chapter wraps it all up with a TODAY! My early valentine's day present to all you sexy sexy readers

So this is the end of this one eh?

It's earned a favorite from me, this was one of the first stories I read here on FIMfiction; I was reading this even before I got an account.

Looking forward to the stuff you write in the future, and I'll check out the sequel that you linked.

>>216871216871

Thanks for sticking with me!

Im gonna put this on my "Fics that are good"-list. Interesting concept, well-paced, well-written and really cool with the marine folklore snippets and the music (Yeah I'm a fan of two steps from hell now, thank you for that sir). Well done and thank you

Between the fantastic and VERY accurate military jargon and some good old-fashioned world and character building, this has been a pleasure to read.

>>216943216943

The pleasure's all mine, I hope I can continue providing you quality pony based action adventure!

>>217232217232

As I said the pleasure's been mine to have you all as readers, but hold on to your helmet and strap your flak jackets on folks, You ain't seen NOTHING yet! *flips his epic meter up to 12 and begins to write*

Heh, I always enjoy little bits of character development like this. I'm hooked, Mr. Marine!

sweet. that was buckin awesome.

one of the best things about it was the background music. you picked good songs.

the other good thing was... everything. this was great.

"he enjoys guns, shooting, hunting, sleeping, reading, writing, poetry, high fantasy, sci-fi, long walks on the beach and guns."

where are you from man? this sounds like what i like.

guns twice was very obviously intentional. sounds bout right.

>>249428249428

Colorado and intentional? Me?

>>249553249553 ahhh... not far off then. i live in the wonderful (sarcasm) Montana. there is nothing to do here.

but yeah. guns twice sounds right to me. i like guns twice. double tap?

That was great.  Reminds me of the CIA's first air-to-air kill.

Thanks to Arc the Brony for recommending this for me, this fic is pretty good so far.

I noticed some grammatical errors, which make sense though.

If it's dialogue or letters I find it better to have a grammatical or spelling mistake here or there.