• Member Since 14th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 19th, 2017

reflexrex


T
Source

There is a repulsive creature, one that has no place in the land of Equestria. Spat into the world from the dimension where Equestrian magic originates, it has a voracious and unusual appetite, and nothing will slake its thirst for long...

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 32 )
BHF

Pretty darn shnazzy if I do say so myself... :raritywink:
Keep it up!
Hope to read more :P

I love your vocabulary! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
also, poor Derpy. :derpyderp1:

Damn man, that had me intrigued the whole way through! Your style of writing is nice and the plot so far is reeling me in to wanting more! :pinkiehappy:

Keep it coming.
(Holding onto my rating for now, I like to read more before I make a decision.)

This was well written and all and even had good dialogue. You even had good control of the horror atmosphere and panic that was going on. Also a decent description of the beast.

Although I will have to say about the first half, that I didn't find it interesting and not very exciting. It was well written, but just a bit boring really. Maybe it was just because it had too much description and I personally am not a big fan of description, I tend to skip some description in my novels just to get on with the book.

You're probably right about that, I had a feeling I may have strung it out a bit far. I was trying to set the scene and create a bit of juxtaposition, but I think I took it a bit far (I tend to get carried away and use adjectives like I'm trying to cultivate a garden with flowery language). Thanks for the feedback!

The perfect half-moon is skittering across the skyline, chasing the sun into submission and turning the shadows a deep, rich and dark purple."
Doesn't quite flow right with the commas at the end. If you want it to be a list, then do deep, rich, and dark purple. Which doesn't sound quite right either. Perhaps you're going to have to take one of the adjectives out.

"Either the princesses have their manes in a mangle over something Twilight warned them not to do at least 3 dragons ago..."
I'm not quite sure what you mean here... but don't use numbers, it interrupts the flow of text. Spell out your numbers and you'd be amazed how much smoother they flow.

"...or perhaps on this particular evening all the magic that infuses Equestria is restless, bored, and looking for something to do."
The end there creates a run-on. You can make it a bit better by removing either restless or bored, and having just, "that infuses Equestria is restless/bored and looking for something to do." Choose only one, if you heed my advice. I recommend restless.

Even in this densely dark, dank and dangerous part of the dreaded Everfree Forest
There goes your list again, though this one you just need to insert a comma after dank.

mared up
a mare is a woman horse. So that doesn't make too much sense. Points for effort on the ponidiom, but didn't quite work.

unicorn taking no notice of the events outside, a stallion perhaps slightly taller than average, but not by much
I recommend you get rid of but not by much, it kinda makes the sentance a run-on.

He seems oblivious of the enormous amount of magic potential that has built up, and is busily attending to some complicated alchemical experiment, blissfully unaware of the power dripping from the air being funnelled into his hard-fought-for home.
Yet another run-on. That last part of the sentance needs to go, but it's important. So figure a way to make it into it's own sentance, or just tidy up the whole thing. This is gonna take a while, lol. No offense, but your grammar is atrocious. I'm happy to help though.

getting crumbs everywhere in the process!
In narration, I don't believe it's improper to use an exclamation point, but I and many others I know frown upon it extremely.

set of six or eight legs,
or because the something-insect
A set of six or eight legs would mean twelve or sixteen legs total. An insect has six legs total, two sets of three. There's my science for your story.

her happy place, her mind, where the taunts of everypony didn't matter was so overwhelming that she couldn't hear him
I recommend getting rid of happy place and just replacing it with her mind, and also you need a comma after matter.

Okay, that's it for grammar! I like this plot, though not much has happened yet, so I can't tell. I'll leave a track and see where it goes. This has potential, though. Sorry if I seem to be mean, you asked me to preread, I did and will. Just send me a PM whenever you need me to.

291828 Thanks a hoofload for the feedback, it helps a heck of a lot. I've addressed most of the issues you raised, and gave it another proofreading: yeah, you're right, my sentences do sorta get carried away and go on a bit (and yep, grammar is a weakness of mine). The reason I'm being unclear with the number of legs the first time I describe the beast (even though it isn't technically accurate), is mainly because I'm deliberately trying to be vague with the details and keep as much mystery about it as possible (which is integral to the rest of the plotspine i have planned out.). And please don't apologise, you weren't being mean, just a good critic.

Thanks again for the pointers and the track, means a lot to me :twilightsmile:

292147
Sure thing, im glad to help an aspiring writer

Nooooooooooooooooooo :raritydespair:

314941 Hehehehe, did the ending get you? It was hard to do that to them, even if they are fictional :applecry: Hope you enjoyed it though :pinkiehappy:

There's more on the way, but I'm not sure when it will be out, as I'm going on vacation for 10 days at the end of the month. I'll try to get it done, but no promises :pinkiehappy:

Alright, I had my full attention with how you did Zecora's scene, the description was good, you did really well with Zecora's dialogue and the action was good, but afterwards you were just all over the place. You had too much description at times and too little at others, even some arguable unessential bits like did we really need you to tell us Fluttershy was a little happier? I'm sure we would have known. You also need more work on the six mane ponies, you try to make too many wisecracks that it ends up with me questioning if they'd even say that. Really I question if you found the part Zecora interesting to write yourself wasn't as fun, my question was it? Because if it wasn't fun for you to write, what makes you think it's going to be fun for us to read.

I say fine job for the early part, but my hands low for afterwards :unsuresweetie:

But... but... my two favorite ponies... Celestia and Twilight... why? :fluttershysad:

Anyways, apart from my broken heart (:applecry:), this was very nice. The way it was written was good and the dialogue could use a little work, but all in all, I like! Keep it coming man. :pinkiesmile:

:trixieshiftright: I feel sorry for what im about to say, and i hope you dont take it to personally, BUT THIS WAS BORING. You put to much description into things, even when the action moment happened, i was still longing for it to end, and wasnt gripped into the story at all. I really hope you only took that as advice and not me hating it. Everything else except the undeniably massive boredom i had while reading this, it still has potential, and i only read the full chapter because i wanted to help you. My advice is to not put as much description into things as you are, in the beggining, there was like 400 words just describing one thing. There is really no need. Enough description is ENOUGH DESCRIPTION.

Just giving some advice, please dont take it personally, :twilightsheepish:
-Yodudes567


"Twilight Sparkle was more agitated than Starswirl in a submarine!" I got no idea what that means, but I thought it was pretty funny. I really liked it actually, it's pretty competently written and kinda thrilling.

336328 Well, I was trying to make a ponidiom, in as much as I imagine Starswirl The Bearded (an astronomer) would be relatively unhappy in a submarine, whence from it is impossible to stargaze. Didn't really work though :facehoof:

Glad you enjoyed it though, thats always nice to hear :pinkiehappy:

337034
I see your point, maybe you should've used "in a cave" instead, someplace underground or something that people would more likely think of as a place where you can't see stars, espescially since you CAN see stars in a submarine (starFISH but still...)

Oh, and Yodudes567, I see what you're saying, the pacing is maybe a little off, especially in chapter 2. But what I will say is that this was never intended to be a fast-paced, 80's action movie, Die-Hard-Rambo-Commando sorta fic. I'm trying to steer it more along the rails of suspensey, tension-ey, Alien(the first one) style of thing, which needs a certain amount of juxtaposition in order for the tense parts to mean something. But anyway, I do appreciate the feedback, and I've no doubt you are right to a point (especially about chapter 2). Will keep on revising it as I go :twilightsmile:

HEY, MAN, what happened? I see no updates anywhere. :fluttercry:

646299 Yeah, sorry bout the slackness >.< It's been a preposterously hectic few months for me: had to sort out a holiday in India for me and my sis, and I've also moved house (which comes with a veritable host of subsidiary problems- no internet for 45 days). Thankfully, have got everything sorted, so I can bang out the last chapter now.

Least, I think it's going to be the last chapter. I mean, I do tend to contract verbal diarrhea at the faintest provocation, and there's a few plot points I want to cover before I wrap this story up for good. But I don't want this story to outstay its proverbial welcome. But I do want to expound upon the ending I have in mind. This may take a while...

But not too long :pinkiehappy:

:pinkiesick: I-I don't think I'm the right person to read this... :fluttershysad: I've never had a strong stomach for horror...
Sorry reflexrex... :pinkiesad2:

No sweat Zyth, I know horror isn't for everypony. Even though this fic has no gore/clop, characters still get severely bucked up. I think we need to have better-defined ratings categories, maybe even an extra one. Oh well :applejackunsure:

Wow, this is awesome. and so god damn creepy :raritycry:
the struggle of derpy :fluttercry: ...

you, my friend, just earned a follower

ahh, so many questions! need next part!:raritydespair:

871559 Thanks again, I'm glad you like where I'm going with it :yay: I'm almost disappointed in myself that I wrote in some blood in this chapter, I had originally intended this to be a 'clean' fic, but I suppose I have to go where the fic takes me :applejackunsure:

Glad you're following it too, I'll be putting up the next part very soon (I'm working on it right now). I've got a rough idea of the plotspine, but basically I'm just messing around and seeing where it takes me :derpytongue2: I honestly don't like doing these horrible things to Derpy, I swear, it just seemed necessary for the narrative...:fluttercry:

Whoa, hey now. Fluttershy love out of no where. :derpyderp2:

Anywho, this chapter was interesting. I don't quite see the point of the sudden romance between Rarity and Fluttershy, but I'm going to trust your instincts on this one. :ajsmug:

Nonetheless, I still can't get enough of the way you write. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter! :pinkiehappy:

NO, NOT ZECORA TOO! Why must you pick all of my favorite ponies? :fluttershyouch:

Awesome chapter, though. The scene with the water and Mane was a little... disturbing, but all together it makes up for another great chapter. :pinkiehappy:

902023 A good horror story always has a quiet moment where's no death, darkness or other negative things (remember this is not a gore-fic). A timid character like Fluttershy can easily get carried away by such dark events that the come out of her love to Raritiy fits perfect in the process of the story. This is a great contrast to the big the evil that distresses the country, also this builds up a deeper relaitionship between the characters. I really like that.

@ Reflexrex: again the atmospere is superb! awesome what you're doing here.
At the CMC part i was like: oh god, no, he wouldn't do this! he can't do this!! OMFG he does it!!! YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!??:raritycry:

now i'm gonne read the next chapter :yay:

"The forest is gloomy even in clear noonlight" did you mean moonlight?

"and an unspoken question hangs over the group like a stormy sky... " what? what question? what is happening? Is the Dr ok? IS FLUTTERSHY OK??:raritydespair:
I demand answers!! Don't you bucking dare to harm fluttershy!!

Phew!..ok calm down...
this...is epic. The emotional dilemma of Shy and Rarity are now playing out perfect and we can see the reactions of rarity on this and ...if there wasn't this bucking CLIFFHANGER!!! GODDAMMIT!!

sry, but this is so extreme thrilling i got a bit carried away...

I'm glad you're enjoying it, and the best compliment an author can recieve is that the reader is feeling the emotions the author is trying to convey, which you most certainly do: I'm all about the tensio0n and suspense in this. So thankyou, it genuinely makes me happy to hear you say that. And yes, it is supposed to be noonlight. I was saying that the forest is gloomy even in full sunlight, but now that there is no sun it's nearly pitch black. Moonlight/noonlight, if you see what I mean. And rest assured, things are only going to pick up from here :raritywink:

Hey, just saw you post in the group we're in. Looked like you were asking for people to rip apart your story. Something I read put me in a really bad mood, so I'd just like to criticize others to make myself feel better. Thanks for being there for me. Now to get started.

(ready to silently spew it's power) Ha! I found one. It's means it is, "its" is the way to make it possessive. (keeping it's form obscured) You did it again, I kicked it back up here or conciseness.

''Hi mr doctor!" It doesn't matter if it's his real name. Mister needs to be capitalized if it's part of a name, or written out if it's simply referring to him as an adult male (Ex. "Hi mister doctor!")

(Dr. Brainymane led Derpy gently) No! You've forced me to put up with present tense (which I hate) for this entire story, you don't get to switch into past tense now. You do it again later in the story too, make certain your tenses agree.

(While the Doctor and Derpy are puzzling over the mystery) Doctor when used as a title is capitalized, when used as a noun it is lower case. The one exception being "The Doctor" from Dr. Who as his name actually is The Doctor and he doesn't actually hold Dr. as a title.

(I came to Ponyville is that I like muffins'') punctuate here.

(...in the name of Celestia's shiny plot...) Plot is not another word for ass. That was something that was derived as a meme from the show. Assuming the show and bronies haven't influenced the good doctor, he shouldn't make that mistake.

(If one had the chance to look closely, one might be convinced of two faintly glowing, entirely purple eyes hidden in the darkness- but there again maybe not.) Two problems (-but THEN again maybe not.) also you can't convince people of nouns. It's like me saying "I convinced my girlfriend of teddy bear." it's nonsense.

The writing style bugs me, but it's not technically wrong. You add "T3h fluffies" to a point that irritates the hell out of me in some places. Your opening paragraphs adds two or three adjectives to a noun, multiple times in the sentence. Some of the sentences are so long that I can't say them in one breath. (I diagrammed some of them and found out they're not technically fused sentences. Plus Venatus called you on the run ons earlier.) But it gets to be a pain to even read because you're saying so much nothing. Then we hit the dialogue and suddenly you have a complete lack of T3h fluffies! It's like a messed up polar inversion of the problem! Things like character thought, body language, EVERYTHING is stripped out of any sentence with dialogue. I don't know how that happens. Buuut...TECHNICALLY I can't give you crap for it, because there's nothing technically wrong with it. Not only that, but it seems like everyone likes it so I guess I just have to call it a writing style. I don't like your writing style, even though it's not incorrect.

Huh...I really thought I'd feel better after that. I don't. Thanks for trying though. See you around.

I've just read the first chapter entirely, and actually, I enjoyed the descriptions a lot :raritystarry:

OK, it's true, maybe it was too much sometimes, but I think it's just the style you're using, and all that atmosphere, all of those comparisons, I like them, but I like them because I came here to read something like that... This isn't something you read in a casual manner... I think the story will atract only the people who enjoy these kind of things.

Keep going! I love the style, and the story, really immersive! :twilightsmile:

SPEEDRUUN GOOOOOOOOOOOOO.


Chapter 1: Everything's all perfect on the everything inside your face. Oh and of course! DERPY'S A FUCKING MORON! HOW NICE OF YOU TO REMEMBER!

Something's inside my head and I can't get it ou

MMM. SEEMS LIKE THE ROOFIES ARE TAKING EFFECT.

So all in all, Derpy dun fucked up and lost her sweet permanent tatto through an advanced method of Bug. The side effects were soul-sucking of which she was unaware of, and is now currently near catatonic.

OH GOOD. I LIKE COMEDIES.


Chapter 2:

Just far too exhausted I am, to continue with my gardening plan. A short recline I have to take, if magical brews I am to make

A little big of Iambic Pentameter never hurt anyone! Except Zecora. Because it'll kill her :3.

Welp, beside that little...thing. I couldn't find any problem, so points, but it seems to me that this chapter's about Twilight going all Paranormal Entomologist Activity and causing shenanigans! Horrible, horrible pain.

Chapter 3:

sadistic beads of water

Are we talking about H20 or Anal beads?

So, this chapter seems to be about Derpy rehabilitation and Fluttershy vocational training! Way to go! Helping the world, one story at a time!.


Chapter 4:

We are not alone

ALIENS! I FUCKING KNEW IT! ALIENS EXIIIIIIIIIIIST!

Chapter 5:

firsthand

So in conclusion


Alright. Sooo this is a good story. Little bit over descriptive seeing as how you're trying to do action and poeticism at the same time, but that's personal. Other than that, it's a good story, peace.

Login or register to comment