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Twilight Sparkle is a gifted student and scholar. When she attempts to harness her creative side by writing a science-themed sensual romance novel, however, things rapidly get out of hoof. Can her friends stage an intervention before she humiliates herself (and them) at a prestigious literature recital?
No. No, they cannot.
>The candles on Twilight Sparkle’s desktop guttered weakly.
Guttered can be used like that?
>“Oh Evening Glimmer,”
Why does it always have to be a self-insert?
Now I want to read about the "centipedes" episode.
>‘Hello Twilight, I just finished your story and I discovered absolutely no redeeming qualities in it whatsoever. I suggest you burn it before anypony else sees it.’
... Can I use this? I just need to replace "Twilight" with another author or 10's names...
That Dialogue... Is 100 times better than most pornos.
OOh, Gardez, I love your soft susurration.
>It was time to get dirty. Dirty with science.
What horror has science wrought now?
Sorry. I literally have no comment for the rest of the fic other than "lol".
>“I’m volunteering with the Canterlot Benevolent Association for Impressionable Young Fillies,”
Sorry let me rephrase that to "ROFL"
Also I love how rainbow Dash is basically a foil for the audience in this.
But poor Dash. Not realizing she was lusting over her own r63 version.
Anyway, I've read a bunch of these saucy comedy fics and I have to say this was definitely one of the more original takes. But why no Luna? I would imaging her being the only one to actually be able to properly relate to the narrative style.
This was insanely good. Beautifully written. I mean, genuinely, sincerely, better than a lot of actual published literature I've read. I was in hysterics of laughter for most of that. Although, to be fair to Twilight, I would buy her novel, because it was... awesome. Have all the Spikes 
Magnificantly well-crafted. Just from a technical stand-point, I must really approve of how you set all of the manuscript's text in italics. I know it seems rudimentary, but I know a lot of authors that would just be too lazy to take the time to do that. The scene-breaks were all properly placed and nothing felt like it was mashed up against everything else.
Now for the content. I gotta say, this is a pretty original concept, and now that I think about it I'm surprised that no-one's made a famous story about it yet. Twilight writing a novel, a romance novel at that, just seems to fit with her personality and character. While many, many authors seem to agree that Fluttershy reads a lot of smut, no one's really bothered to wonder where any of it comes from until now. Which leads me to my next point of praise. The manuscript Twilight wrote was just great, you can really hear HER voice in it, rather than your own. Masking one's own voice in writing and making it legitimately seem like someone else is a rare talent that should be admired by all. The fact that Twilight not only wrote the most robotic and technically-driven romance plot EVER is a testament to how much time and effort YOU put into the intricacies of what she wrote. Yes, it was bad, but it was bad on purpose and you made it flow as if it were from her hoof.
Also, excellent job on the tension as well. Parents, foals, Cheerilee even Celestia were all packed neatly into the scene to cover every possible squirm-worthy demograph. The only missing pony would've been someone random, like... like Big Mac. But he's not really the bookish type so that wouldn't have made any sense, haha... Anyway, it takes a lot to make a reader squirm like that, and I can tell you, you definitely accomplished this, building it up higher and higher as more ponies she knew came in. Not to mention the hilarity of her friends bursting in on not one but SEVERAL of the wrong coffee shops. That was a good touch, hahaha!
Well done! You should be proud, cheers!
I was only too happy to do so. All creative types - authors, artists, scientists, philosophers, etc., stand on the shoulders of those who came before, and it does no harm to remember that. Nothing detracts from the fact that this is a great story by a great author, and we could all only be so lucky as to have Cold in Gardez grace us with a half dozen more of his excellent works. I would even go so far as to call this my favorite short fanfiction yet. 
Oh wow, Twilight's novel was the hottest thing ever! I'm talking hotter than 1.3 femtoseconds after the Big Bang! I could just FEEL my amygdala's neurons firing desperately to regulate the massive increase in activity within my anterior cingulate and ventral globus pallidus! Nitric oxide levels have been rising steadily within the spongiform vasculature!
*reads the part again about the saline, alkaline colloid, which Twilight had edited for her final print version* Oh Celestia... she added 'a sweetness reminiscent of 5% aqueous fructose solution' to the passage! HNNNNNNNNGGGGG!!! 
*pants* Oh Twilight, you know how to push a biologist's buttons! 
(actual comment) I was laughing so hard it hurt. Alot. 
Especially at RD's attempt to cleanse herself after realizing she'd been lusting heavily after the male version of herself getting it on with Twilight. I do notice, however, that Rarity wasn't exactly insulted. I suspect she harbors certain fantasies of herself with the geeky librarian!
ALTERNATE ENDING!! 
*Celestia saunters slyly toward Twilight* My my, I never assumed you had that in you. I always assumed you to be the more 'straight-laced' sort of mare. Why don't you follow me back to the castle and give me a... VERY detailed... report on what you're learned about this sort of 'friendship', my ever-so-faithful-and-fun, student? *saunters away slowly while Twilight is reduced to a puddle of lust, barely maintaining enough surface tension to extend pseudopods and ooze along after the infinitely desireable Sun Princess.*
*Pinkie Pie suddenly pops up* And that's how Molestia was laid! 
Oh my God...
As a science geek, and particularly a physics geek (though I have stopped taking science classes since High School), I give this story unrequitted love and a lovely 
Poor Twi. She needs more practice.
You, sir, are great though. 5/5 staches
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
This is hilarious, adorkable Twilight at her finest. The transparent replacement names are perfect in showing just how little experience Twilight has. But her writing wasn't too bad. It just had serious pacing issues. But it is just like Twilight to go overboard with scientific explanations like that.
There's nothing I can say that wouldn't echo everyone above, but thank you for writing this. I smiled several times and had to put my tablet down several times at the awkwardness you so masterfully wrangled into this short. Everything about it was great, from the story itself, to the characterization, and even the authentically terrible romance novel Twilight writes.
But I think the thing I admire most is the way you craft the prose between the dialogue. I've read several of your stories before and there is always this top notch flow about it - it never seems stilted in the slightest. I admire that so much and will constantly be trying to imitate that style, with mixed results now, but hopefully more your pace in the future.
Thanks again, you get a like from me, of course, and another fan in the large amount of dihydrogen monoxide that washes against your limestone cliffs with swelling equal to Uncommon's...well, I'm sure you could phrase it better. 
"Twilight’s novel ambitions."
Seriously though, this is hilarious. Poor, poor Twilight. I was sincerely hoping the summary was wrong for her sake.
Damnit, CiG, STOP BEING SO GOOD. You're making the rest of us look bad.
This was just so incredibly funny. My standard commenting procedure is to quote a line that particularly stood out but I would quote the WHOLE THING so that's out the window.
You've perfectly encapsulated... everything that this story involves. Honestly, the moment I finished reading this story, I went and read something I wrote not a week ago and, ugh. You're so right. In just a few passages of fictional godawful clop, you've managed to effectively satirise pretty much the entire fanfiction community and MAKE US LOVE IT.
Kudos. I wish I had more than one Like to give.
Amazing story. I always wondered what would happen in one of these situations where someone's about to tell something really embarrasing, or something that's top secret, where they actually tell it in the end. Those stories always end in either a) the thing they were telling not being the thing everyone else thought it was or b) someone stops them at the very last second. Good to see my expectations didn't coincide with the actual ending, and in such a well-written piece as well. I wonder if you found it difficult to write so badly for Twilight's novel.
This is singularly, brilliantly hilarious.
I really had no idea how you were going to pull off the ending where Twilight has actually just read that to a captive audience that includes young fillies. I laughed so hard when one of them said they wanted to be Uncommon... it just seems like exactly what would happen. The fact that Celestia is calm and caring at the end, that Twi's trio of friends arrive late, that Rainbow Dash loves the story and then gets what's going on at the end - those things really pulled it together like quarks uniting in a perfect bled to form the core particles of a stable atomic nucleus.
Curse you Cold in Gardez cuuuuuuuuursssssssse yoooooooooooou you have made all other humor look paltry and half baked in comparison to yours. I can no longer write my fic without constantly being reminded of how inadequate I am in comparison to you every time I try to make a joke.
Oh god, this was hilarious! Twiligh's first attempt reminded me of this show on HBO where these guys sat around and made fun of the crummiest, cheesiest pornos they could find. The second attempt reminds me of how me and my friends talk about sex when we are in front of our parents; speaking of "two biological entities that combine semi-viscous liquids in a heated state". Then there's all these people she knows at the coffee shop! Oh god, every sentence was a laugh! I felt like a total nerd for even knowing what most of that science was! Twilight blinded all of us with science!
I have just realized that we can never be as good as CiG through physics.
There are four know facts about awesome
Fact:There is only a limited amount of awesome in the universe
Fact:Ponies are awesome
Fact:Mustaches are awesome
Fact:Pancakes are awesome, if they have maple syrup they are twice as awesome
Therefore we can deduce that the author must have a mustache made of ponies and wrote this fic whilst eating pancakes with maple syrup, thus creating a singularity of awesome which sucked all the awesome in the universe into this fic. Thus condeming all others to be not as good, that is why we can never be as good as him/her...EVER
Just like with many of the commenters before me said, this was brilliant. Once I was past the 1,000 word mark, I had a stupid grin on my face the rest of the way.
There was plenty here to relate to and Twilight's little excursion in writing reminds me of the dreck I wrote in high school. God am I glad the internet wasn't readily available back then to keep me from posting any of it.
Not sure what else to say other than this is getting added to my favorites list. I've got a fair number of your fics on that list, come to think of it. Keep writing good sir and perhaps more will get added!
That was magnificent. There are no other words to describe it.*
The traditional science references were hilarious and perfectly in-character, I particularly liked the observer-quantum wave function interaction, I swear to god if there had been an insult thrown in there using the Heisenberg uncertainty principle to describe certain areas of anatomy I'd print this and stick it up on the wall.
Well done, sir / madam / other.
*with the assumption that "magnificent" can also be taken as synonymous with arresting, august, brilliant, chivalric, commanding, elegant, elevated, exalted, excellent, fine, glittering, gorgeous, grand, grandiose, high-minded, herpestine, imperial, imposing, impressive, lavish, lofty, luxurious, magnanimous, magnific, majestic, noble, opulent, outstanding, palatial, plush, pompous, posh, proud, radiant, regal, resplendent, rich, royal, smashing, splendid, standout, stately, striking, sublime, sumptuous, superb, superior, superlative, swanky, towering, transcendent and just plain fucking awesome
Other way around, actually. This was in the works when I was writing that scene, and he agreed to give me permission to use it.
Well, it was more like "Hey, I'm stealing your story title for this scene." to which he responded: "That's fine, I'm stealing Prism Slash from you."
I stole more than just Prism Slash from Drakmire. Half of the best jokes in this fic were his idea. He deserves a lot of the credit for making this fic as successful as it was.
Edit: Just so he doesn't get a swelled head, some very bad jokes were his idea too. Drak, do you remember the "work=force*distance" once? I'm not sure I still have it.
I still like that joke : ( At least, what I can remember of it. It was off the cuff and I didn't save any of them.
Only one I'm really sad about was... well, I won't spoil it for anyone since you're posting the extras. But I think you can guess which of the ones it is, of those that got scrubbed.
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Please send me an e-mail next time if you think I need to jump-start editing. My queue is like a stack of papers; I take what's on top. The inability to alter an already-released project eats me from the inside. 
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