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Cold in Gardez

Joined August 2011
2,162 followers

Ponies! They're in my brain, trying to get out!

Stories (18)

Blog Posts (64)


Twilight Sparkle is a gifted student and scholar. When she attempts to harness her creative side by writing a science-themed sensual romance novel, however, things rapidly get out of hoof. Can her friends stage an intervention before she humiliates herself (and them) at a prestigious literature recital?

No. No, they cannot.

Fan art! Rarity and Twilight at the cafe.

First Published
1st Mar 2012
Last Modified
1st Mar 2012

Comments ( 516 )

#1 · 125w, 1d ago · · 5 ·

You told me there would be no shipping. -.-

#2 · 125w, 1d ago · 26 · ·

I don't see why that would have been embarrassing. I would pay money for a full copy of Naked Singularity.

#3 · 125w, 1d ago · · ·

This story is good and you should feel good. Also, I'm with AestheticB on this one.

#4 · 125w, 1d ago · · ·

This. I love this. CiG, you genius.

#5 · 125w, 23h ago · · ·

Aw man, I saw Singularity and was hoping for a crossover of the game. Glad I stuck around and read it anyway. This was awesome. I hope to see more from you! Not about this story obviously. You marked it as "complete" for a reason.

#6 · 125w, 22h ago · 7 · ·

It's not often that I see cringe-humor so powerful I have to take breaks between paragraphs to de-cringify, but you've done it spectacularly well.

#7 · 125w, 22h ago · · ·

The fact that I read this in class only aided in the cringeness of all of it...

Good humor. Awesome story. Just... its one of those things that you really dont want to see happen but it does so anyway... :fluttershyouch:

Take all five sta- I mean.... one thumb. Take the one thumb.

#8 · 125w, 22h ago · · ·

I can't give you any constructive criticism because this was perfect. Everypony was IC, and so was Spike. I loved the pacing, and I especially loved the purple prose. Or should that be lavender? Please write more you sexy genius.

#9 · 125w, 22h ago · 2 · ·

This is ... the best ... possible ... thing!

Seriously, I loved it. Poor Rarity and Rainbow Dash will never look at Twilight the same way again.  I second Wonderousm - you are a sexy genius!

:raritydespair::twilightblush::rainbowhuh:

#10 · 125w, 22h ago · · ·

This was excellent. Superb. Splendiferous, even. Everything about this was hilarious and fantastically crafted.

It's the sort of 'original' concept that I continually kick myself for never having.

#11 · 125w, 22h ago · · ·

This is possibly the best thing ever.

#12 · 125w, 22h ago · · ·

You may have all of my applause.  Masterfully done.  :rainbowlaugh:

#13 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

>>278442

Speaking of which, what happened to 'First Light of Dawn'?

And, do ponies even have bosoms? I'm not sure how that would work...

#14 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

>>278672 I'm uh...Not sure why your asking me this.

But in a way, yes I suppose ponies have bosoms. Just, not like humans. As for the light of dawn? Your gonna have to ask the author...

#15 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

>>278672

It's, um, being worked on.

Slowly :ajsleepy:

#16 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

*Looks at title*  Hmm, might be worth a look  :applejackunsure:

:rainbowderp:

:facehoof:

:pinkiegasp:

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

In that order, Very well done sir, and original to boot

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:  5/5 Mustaches

#17 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

>>278767

That, sir, is a damn dirty lie.

#18 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

Where did you get the picture?

#19 · 125w, 21h ago · 1 · ·

My goodness. That was amazing. Very few fics that claim to be comedies have me laughing, but I could not control myself! Well done!

#20 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

>>278848

EqD drawfriend, about a half a year back.

#21 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

Oh lordy. One of those rare comedy fics that had me laughing out loud all the way through the story. Excellent work, as usual! Although I won't ever be able to look at particle physics in quite the same way ever again...

#22 · 125w, 21h ago · · ·

I had fun reading this

#23 · 125w, 20h ago · · ·

>The candles on Twilight Sparkle’s desktop guttered weakly.

Guttered can be used like that?

>“Oh Evening Glimmer,”

Why does it always have to be a self-insert?

Now I want to read about the "centipedes" episode.

>‘Hello Twilight, I just finished your story and I discovered absolutely no redeeming qualities in it whatsoever. I suggest you burn it before anypony else sees it.’

... Can I use this? I just need to replace "Twilight" with another author or 10's names...

That Dialogue... Is 100 times better than most pornos.

OOh, Gardez, I love your soft susurration.

>It was time to get dirty. Dirty with science.

What horror has science wrought now?

Sorry. I literally have no comment for the rest of the fic other than "lol".

>“I’m volunteering with the Canterlot Benevolent Association for Impressionable Young Fillies,”

Sorry let me rephrase that to "ROFL"

Also I love how rainbow Dash is basically a foil for the audience in this.

But poor Dash. Not realizing she was lusting over her own r63 version.

Anyway, I've read a bunch of these saucy comedy fics and I have to say this was definitely one of the more original takes. But why no Luna? I would imaging her being the only one to actually be able to properly relate to the narrative style.

#24 · 125w, 20h ago · · ·

This was insanely good. Beautifully written. I mean, genuinely, sincerely, better than a lot of actual published literature I've read. I was in hysterics of laughter for most of that. Although, to be fair to Twilight, I would buy her novel, because it was... awesome. Have all the Spikes :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache:

#25 · 125w, 20h ago · · ·

>>278859 Could you please link to it?

#26 · 125w, 20h ago · · ·

>>279000

Ta-da! http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/drawfriend-stuff-215.html

#27 · 125w, 20h ago · 2 · ·

Magnificantly well-crafted. Just from a technical stand-point, I must really approve of how you set all of the manuscript's text in italics. I know it seems rudimentary, but I know a lot of authors that would just be too lazy to take the time to do that. The scene-breaks were all properly placed and nothing felt like it was mashed up against everything else.

Now for the content. I gotta say, this is a pretty original concept, and now that I think about it I'm surprised that no-one's made a famous story about it yet. Twilight writing a novel, a romance novel at that, just seems to fit with her personality and character. While many, many authors seem to agree that Fluttershy reads a lot of smut, no one's really bothered to wonder where any of it comes from until now. Which leads me to my next point of praise. The manuscript Twilight wrote was just great, you can really hear HER voice in it, rather than your own. Masking one's own voice in writing and making it legitimately seem like someone else is a rare talent that should be admired by all. The fact that Twilight not only wrote the most robotic and technically-driven romance plot EVER is a testament to how much time and effort YOU put into the intricacies of what she wrote. Yes, it was bad, but it was bad on purpose and you made it flow as if it were from her hoof.

Also, excellent job on the tension as well. Parents, foals, Cheerilee even Celestia were all packed neatly into the scene to cover every possible squirm-worthy demograph. The only missing pony would've been someone random, like... like Big Mac. But he's not really the bookish type so that wouldn't have made any sense, haha... Anyway, it takes a lot to make a reader squirm like that, and I can tell you, you definitely accomplished this, building it up higher and higher as more ponies she knew came in. Not to mention the hilarity of her friends bursting in on not one but SEVERAL of the wrong coffee shops. That was a good touch, hahaha!

Well done! You should be proud, cheers!

#29 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

so silly

oh celestia so silly

brb laughing like the joker

#30 · 125w, 19h ago · 1 · ·

>>279041

Twilight writing self-insert stories and friend-insert romances is one of the main jokes of the Friendship is Witchcraft series, so it's not entirely a new idea. Cold in Gardez just took it to its inevitable, lurid, hilarious conclusion.  

#31 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

>>279172

Thanks for taking the time to correct me at the end of my high praise for this author's hard work. :facehoof:

Cynewulf
Story Approver
#32 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

This was beautiful. I don't usually read stories like this... but I read this and I am so glad I did. Laughed hard. :P

#33 · 125w, 19h ago · 1 · ·

I got about halfway through before it became impossible to read on. Maybe later I'll give it another shot.

#34 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

So ... I expect Naked Singularity will be out in stores soon?

#35 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

>>279192

I was only too happy to do so. All creative types - authors, artists, scientists, philosophers, etc., stand on the shoulders of those who came before, and it does no harm to remember that. Nothing detracts from the fact that this is a great story by a great author, and we could all only be so lucky as to have Cold in Gardez grace us with a half dozen more of his excellent works. I would even go so far as to call this my favorite short fanfiction yet. :raritywink:

#36 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

Science + Romance + Twilight + Science = Win

As a physicist, I approve of this story for all aspiring scientists/writers.

Good show.

#37 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

Oh man, I loved this.

But, since I study physics, I understood most of those...ahem...descriptions. I would actually be quite interested in a copy myself...

#38 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

It's been a long while since a story has made me burst, loudly, into actual laughter.  

This was beautiful.  Thank you.

#39 · 125w, 19h ago · 5 · ·

Oh wow, Twilight's novel was the hottest thing ever!  I'm talking hotter than 1.3 femtoseconds after the Big Bang!  I could just FEEL my amygdala's neurons firing desperately to regulate the massive increase in activity within my anterior cingulate and ventral globus pallidus!  Nitric oxide levels have been rising steadily within the spongiform vasculature!  

*reads the part again about the saline, alkaline colloid, which Twilight had edited for her final print version*  Oh Celestia... she added 'a sweetness reminiscent of 5% aqueous fructose solution' to the passage!  HNNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!  :twilightoops:

*pants*  Oh Twilight, you know how to push a biologist's buttons!  :rainbowwild:

(actual comment)  I was laughing so hard it hurt.  Alot.  :rainbowlaugh:

Especially at RD's attempt to cleanse herself after realizing she'd been lusting heavily after the male version of herself getting it on with Twilight.  I do notice, however, that Rarity wasn't exactly insulted.  I suspect she harbors certain fantasies of herself with the geeky librarian!  :raritywink:

#40 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

I have to say this is one of the funniest things I've ever read! I've studied chemistry, maths and physics so I understood all the little references too. More please, for science!

#41 · 125w, 19h ago · · ·

One of the funniest fics I've read in a while. Also, gratz on your EQD post! :twilightsmile:

#42 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

*reads*

Meh

#43 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

I award 4 out of 5 'staches.

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

That was truly hilarious.

#44 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

Yes. Just yes, so good.

#45 · 125w, 18h ago · 3 · 1 ·

ALTERNATE ENDING!!  :pinkiegasp:

*Celestia saunters slyly toward Twilight*  My my, I never assumed you had that in you.  I always assumed you to be the more 'straight-laced' sort of mare.  Why don't you follow me back to the castle and give me a... VERY detailed... report on what you're learned about this sort of 'friendship', my ever-so-faithful-and-fun, student?  *saunters away slowly while Twilight is reduced to a puddle of lust, barely maintaining enough surface tension to extend pseudopods and ooze along after the infinitely desireable Sun Princess.*

*Pinkie Pie suddenly pops up*  And that's how Molestia was laid!  :pinkiecrazy:

#46 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

Oh my God...

:rainbowlaugh:

As a science geek, and particularly a physics geek (though I have stopped taking science classes since High School), I give this story unrequitted love and a lovely :facehoof: Poor Twi. She needs more practice.

You, sir, are great though. 5/5 staches

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

May the Grace of the Valar Protect You

Shire Folk

#47 · 125w, 18h ago · 1 · ·

:rainbowhuh:

this sums it up pretty well, i think.

i have to say, it was hilarious. i feel a little stupid that i didn't realize prism slash was r63 rainbow...:facehoof:

anyway, have ALL the moustaches! :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

#48 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

Release dates = Bad for Cassius.

#49 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

like particulates crossing a membrane via osmotic action…

Osmosis refers to water movement, not particle. :facehoof:

#50 · 125w, 18h ago · · ·

Oh Celestia, I was cringing and grinning in all the right places.  

Amazingly well written, my friend. You managed to make a fic that was completely enjoyable as well as totally uncomfortable.

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