I'm an Australian brony who likes reading stories about magical talking horses. Deal with it.
Oh yeah, and sometimes I write stuff, too.
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Chapter 4: Anal Probing
(Still not clop)
A man sat, staring at his keyboard. He spent all his ideas on a chapter that would go unpublished until after a resolution had been reached, and his storyline was looking shorter and thinner by the minute. After this admission, he decided he must go on, with major continuity errors noticeable for those who are unlucky enough to read part three before they read this.
‘So basically, we all look away, you take off your clothes and step inside the scanner, call out to me, I start the process and we’ll address the rest when we get there, okay George?’ stated the doctor. A game plan was needed, that’s for sure, and the doctor believed he was the one most qualified to do it. Unfortunately, captain Golden Shield thought otherwise.
‘I say we do it my way.’ He argued. Unfortunately, his way involved watching George to make sure no escape attempts were made. ‘We don’t even know if he was telling us the truth when he said he was male.’ His argument, however, fell on deaf ears, as George much preferred the doctor’s plan. He decided to at least humour the captain, and said he could place a door guard, but the very idea of a mare staring intensely at him while he was naked was just creeping him out.
‘Alright, so my plan is, we do what the doctor says, with your…’ He stopped to snigger. Still with a note of laughter in his voice, he continued ‘Unicorns... heheheh… I’m sorry, but on Earth, unicorns are considered a bit, well…’ He stopped, due to the glares he was getting from two and a half pairs of unicorn eyes. Noticing the odd number of glaring eyes, he asked ‘How’d you lose that eye?’ One of the doctor’s guards stood a little straighter. He had a cut going down across his right eyelid.
‘I served in the Equestrian military a few years back, we went up against a nest of three full grown dragons, and–‘
‘Okay, I don’t want to know. I have a friend who’s in the SAS, haven’t heard from him in a while, but he got picked to be in some special unit, they’re probably on a secret mission somewhere… Right, I was saying I’ve heard war stories, and they’re always pretty gruesome. Just hope you got that dragon back.’ Actually, it hadn’t happened until they were on the way back home, ragingly drunk after they had successfully gotten rid of them all, finding among their treasures they had a few casks of wine. He didn’t see a root sticking out, tripped, and cut his eye open on a rock. He decided, for pride’s sake, to let George believe what he wanted.
‘Well, after that narrowly avoided flashback I think we better get started. Gentlecolts, if you will.’ They turned, though three eyes remained in a place they could watch the doctor from. He pushed some buttons, and the chamber of the scanner opened. ‘Nightmare Moon’ll have this report in a jiffy!’
‘Okay, I’m going in. If you lock me in there, I’ll find a way out and kill you.’ Threatened George, with all seriousness. He was quite fast getting in and out of clothes, and hoped that the scanner didn’t hurt, and that there was no probing.
‘ALLON-SY!’ Yelled the doctor, slamming a control which sealed the doors and began the process. ‘Oh, and because we want to know what you eat, and your vomit from earlier wasn’t accurate enough, we will be anally probing you.’ He said, with a knowing wink to the unicorns guarding him. One winked back, the other might have just been blinking, the doctor never found out.
‘Oh, bugger. And here I was thinking I could have my first normal day in Equestria. Well, that idea’s out the window!’ He thought about the closest he’d ever gotten to meeting royalty, then felt his vision go funny as he remembered it in 720p detail.
It was one of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s visits to Australia. George was only a kid at the time, and wasn’t even in the first row, he was in the third of 10. He waved an unfamiliar flag uncertainly, at the time he thought it was just a small section of the Australian flag, but he went with it anyway. The police escort went past, the car the Queen was in, more police, and it was over. Not even 10 seconds.
‘Are we done yet?’ He hazarded. He hadn’t felt anything at the tip of his spine, which was good.
‘Oh yes, we finished a while ago, but we decided to wait for your flashback to finish.’ Replied the Doctor, muffling a laugh with one of his fore hooves. ‘I suppose I’d better let you out now?’
‘Yes thank–oh!’ He was cut short by the door of the circular chamber opening very suddenly. ‘What happened to that probing you warned me about?’
‘Well, urm…See I thought it would be funny to tell you that was going to happen, even though nothing of the sort was actually planned.’ Replied Doctor Whooves, still trying not to laugh. The guards had no such problem, they were trained to not laugh.
‘So my spew on the floor was conclusive?’ He said, knowing that if anypony trotted in at that moment that would sound REALLY weird out of context.
‘No, that part was true. I came here to extract the information from you verbally.’ Said the Captain, not realising that it sounded threatening.
‘Okay, I’m dressed now. It’s a little hot, to be honest, like a North Queensland summer night, so I’ll keep my shirt off.’ He walked over to where some results were printing out. ‘And could I get some brekkie while we’re at it? Also, doctor, your face is kinda bruised up a bit. Is that from the smashing or the dropping?’ He ignored the fact that technically a bruise shouldn’t be able to be seen because of the fur. He was in another universe, it probably made sense here.
‘AWAY FROM THAT REPORT VAGABOND!’ Yelled Nightmare Moon, suddenly teleporting into the room, almost causing George to REALLY wish he bought some extra clothes. ‘I SHALL BE THE FIRST TO READ THY REPORT!’
‘Well, this isn’t going to be a fun holiday’ Moped Constantine. He was too confused to be anything but sad and bored.
(Authors notes) I might have forgotten to do some formatting, but I don't think there are any italics in here so should be sweet. BTW chapter will be uploaded weekly on Tuesdays. Dang thing refuses to upload! GOODBYE, PEOPLEZ!