You Wouldn't Like it When My Beard is Angry
You Wouldn't Like it When My Beard is Angry
Jerry Burnside leaned back on the sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table, knocking over empty cans and spilling a few magazines to the floor in the process. He pushed his shoes off using his feet and left them where they fell.
"Looks like I got here just in time, man. You're not going eat that entire thing by yourself, are you?" he asked.
Harvey Grimwold had not moved from the front door. He was still standing with a box of pizza in one hand and the door knob grasped in the other. His face, hidden beneath his helmet, was set in a strange and awful grin. He felt a sharp tug from his beard and snapped out of his trance. He walked over to the couch, set the pizza on the table, and sat down.
"That's what I'm talking about," Jerry said as he opened up the pizza box. His eyes widened for a moment. "Dude, where's the meat? You on a diet or some crap?"
Harvey's helmeted head slowly turned to look at Jerry. His friend was picking at something on his foot as he continued to talk.
"So anyway, I was over at Mike Goff's; Remember him, the one with the lump on his head? Anyway, I was over there and he says to me 'Dude, the Cowboys suck this year,' and I was all 'No man, it's just because of injuries.' But he didn't see it that way and blames the secondary coaches, which is nonsense of course," Jerry stated.
Somewhere beneath Harvey's leather jacket, Pinkie began to stir.
Jerry continued, oblivious to everything else in the room, "I told Mike, I says, 'Bro, I'd bet my ride that the Cowboys will be in the playoffs this year.' Which reminds me, I didn't see your Harley out there. Jeanie, was it?"
"She's being worked on," Harvey said.
"What, man? Can't hear you through the helmet," Jerry responded.
"She's being worked on!" Harvey shouted.
"What, you let someone else touch your girl? Now why the hell did you do that? You know that Harley inside and out, man!" Jerry said with genuine horror.
Harvey was silent. Jerry took it as a sign to keep talking. He grabbed a slice of pizza and resumed.
"Banana peppers, really man? Anyway, I met this dumb chick down at the bowling alley last night. She didn't even know what an F-150 was. Can you believe it? It might be a newer model, but a girl has to know her bikes, man. She just wasn't all there, you know what I mean?" Jerry continued to ramble.
Slowly, Harvey Grimwold's leather jacket began to unzip itself. Jerry didn't seem to notice.
"Then there was this chick, I think her name was Barbara. Like that popular girl's toy you know? Anyway she couldn't even change a spark plug. What's the use of being born if you can't even do that, know what I'm saying?" Jerry said between mouthfuls of pizza.
Pinkie carefully peeked through the jacket and looked at the pizza. She was so close! The smell was causing her mouth to water. She fought back tears of frustration.
"That actually reminds me of the time I took this girl back to my place and it turns out it wasn't a girl at all, man! I don't think I told you about that one yet. It's a long story, but we've got time. So anyway, there I was at the bar and this woman walks up to me..." Jerry began.
Suddenly Harvey Grimwold's jacket pushed apart to reveal a desperate, angry, pink beard-thing hanging from beneath his helmet. It looked to Jerry like some kind of pink rat had been glued to his friend's face.
"For the love of all of Equestria, stop talking and give me that pizza right now!" Pinkie shouted.
Jerry sprang out of his seat. The rat had talked, and he hadn't even been drinking today.
"Holy hell man, your pet rat just... " Jerry began.
But Harvey had stood up, cracked his knuckles, reared his hand back, and struck Jerry squarely in the jaw with his huge fist. Jerry's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he fell onto the pizza and through the coffee table.
Harvey took his helmet off and threw it into the corner of the room. He casually picked up the case of beer Jerry had brought over and went to the kitchen to place it in the fridge.
"Hurry back, the pizza might still be hot!" Pinkie cried desperately from beneath Harvey's chin.
Harvey walked back over to his couch and surveyed the devastation. The pizza was currently laying directly under Jerry Burnside's bottom.
"No. No!" Pinkie gasped. "It's ruined. The pizza is ruined!" she said the last word with venom.
Harvey felt the pony begin to climb up his face. She's still tied, how did she manage that? he thought to himself. Suddenly he felt his nose being sharply jabbed by a small, pink hoof.
"This is all your fault. You didn't have to do that to him." she growled.
Harvey frowned down at his ponified beard. "Stop poking me. I had to knock him out, he saw you," he said.
"You should have just shaved me off ages ago," the pony retorted.
"No way, man. I already explained that," the biker replied.
"I don't care. Shave me off," Pinkie said.
"No."
"Yes."
"No, man. Shut up and let me think."
Pinkie's eyes narrowed and she frowned. It was time for the big guns. She took a large breath.
"Shave me, shave me, shave me, shave me, shave me, shave me! Shave me right this instant!" she screamed.
"Oh yeah? And what's going to happen if I don't?" Harvey grinned dangerously.
"I'll lay you out on that bald tush of yours! You really want to step to this?" Pinkie said through gritted teeth. Her eyes suddenly grew wide and she brought her front hooves up to her mouth. "Oh my goodness, what was that I just said? That was so mean, Pinkie would never say that to anyone!"
Harvey looked down at the pony with amusement. So she had some fortitude in her. Good for her.
Pinkie was still troubled, however. She looked down and thought for a moment, then her eyes widened.
"It is your fault!" she said in triumph.
"What's my fault?" Harvey asked curiously.
"It's your fault I said that mean stuff. I mean, it's obvious isn't it? I'm stuck to your face right now, so technically we're one creature. Your personality is tied to mine now, and because you're a big meanie you just caused me to be a big meanie," she said miserably.
"That doesn't make a damned shred of sense," Harvey huffed.
"And having a pony stuck to your face suddenly does make sense? That's great, it looks like the big, rude, ugly meanie has all of the answers. I'd give you a cookie, but you'd probably just beat it up," Pinkie glared at the biker before her expression changed. "Oh no, I'm doing it again."
Harvey ignored her and began dragging Jerry's unconscious body through the house and into the spare bedroom. He bent down and, after a moments struggle, managed to lift Jerry onto the bed. He then walked to one of the drawers in the living room, opened it up, and retrieved a couple extension cords. He returned to the bedroom and began to tie Jerry's arms and legs to the bedposts.
"What are you doing to your friend? Is he not your friend now? Maybe I don't want to be your friend if this is what you do to them," Pinkie said thoughtfully. "Nah, we can still be friends. You just need to be nicer!"
Harvey ignored her. He went to another part of the house and found some duct tape. He pulled a piece off, returned to the bedroom, and placed it firmly over Jerry's mouth.
When he was finished, he slapped his belly with a chuckle. "Problem solved, woo ha!"
"Really?" Pinkie asked with a deadpan look.
Harvey walked out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He walked over to the phone, picked it up, and dialled. After a moment, someone answered.
"Yeah hello? Hey, your stupid driver dropped my pizza, man. Yeah, it's ruined. Yes, I still have the box and can prove it. No, man, send another driver this time. Alright then," he said.
Harvey Grimwold sat on the sofa, crossed his arms, and waited for the second pizza to arrive.
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279797
Never stop this story please.
279859
Would you believe that I get that look all the time?
Why is this story so utterly interesting?!
Am honestly starting to wonder if it's time for me to lay off the random tag when it includes or focuses upon PDP...
So much love, and yet we never got featured. I smell a conspiracy!
Anyway, thank you all. Much more to come. What started out as an idea for a very silly drawing has become... well, this.
I wants more xD
I am the scum of the internet, because before even reading a word of it I have to ask this question.
"Was the argument invalid?"
Poor Pinkie, she's turning into a biker.
I hope Harvey has a heart and shaves his be-err, Pinkie off
...
...
...
-claps enthusiastically-
You sir, are a genius.
I would shave her off, and carry her around with me. I would have a cute little mini Pinkie.
This is amazing. Like, oh my god, I can't even amazing. It's just that awesome.
I'm wondering how many people noticed that Pinkie defies gravity in this scene.
Don't look now, bro, but you've been featured on Equestria Daily! That's actually how I found this thing.
And may I add, this story is seven flavors of awesome.
This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I laughed for a good ten minutes durning chapter two. I can’t wait to your write more. And to think, I didn’t even notice one spelling mistake. I’d personally be proud of my talking, pink beard. Then again I’m not quite normal. I can’t wait till you upload more of this amazing piece of art, it’s quite an amazing feat to make it on EQD.
282899 Thank you very much. The nice reception it has had is wonderful, and I'm glad to have made people smile and laugh.
This story is what the
emoticon was made for.
This story has the most ludicrous premise I have ever encountered. Huzzah!
Um, being an actual biker and having delt with Hells Angels in RL. I am finding this story hard to read.
283378 Well, let's put it this way. You know how there are certain aspects of every group that just make us shake our heads at times? Harvey falls a bit into that category. He's respected... in this particular branch. And this particular branch, well.
I've personally known a few Hell's Angels and, of course, they don't really act like this. Then again, Harvey has a pony growing off of his chin, so it shouldn't be taken seriously.
As a sidenote: I love your Manliest Brony vid, Dustykat.
283605
<(Almost got it. Pepper = Chilli. Oni = Japanese Demon, making it a demonic chilli.)
279916I do!
lol its just like midori days
real men show their pony beards with pride
Dude... this is so awesome! I just love it! Tracked and thumbed. :3
WANT
Why does he not just crush her, or drowned her.
Or let a dog eat her?
Problem solved.
Good day.
...I.... umm... what?
Poor Harvey.
I'll give you a cookie.
WAIT- What about Pinkie? TWO COOKIES!
assets.lunabar.com/uploads/products/CCD_2011_Vanity_777x286.png
HA HA, THE COOKIE HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
But seriously, I couldn't stop laughing. I demand Pinkie Pie beard be made canon.
274016 Bah! Fool! I shall grow ENORMOUS amounts of body hair to encourage this dimensional transfer!
GENTLEMEN!!! BEHOLD!! PINKIE PIE NOW LIVES IN MY RIGHT ARMPIT!!
Cut
The
Beard.
MOARMOARMOARMOAR!
MUST READ MOAR!
"Oh my goodness, what was that I just said? That was so mean, Pinkie would never say that to anyone!"
-I guess either the world-change or being linked to him is having a mind-altering effect on her... clears up an earlier objection of mine.
287126 Thy wish... granted.
Too many pinkies has a clone pinkie being a beard..
Be grateful that she's on your beard. Think about it this way. At least she's not on your pubes.
*shiver*