Night Light, Agent of BUTTS
"Nnnnggghhh... Miss Cheerilee, I don't think I should be drinking wine and giving you flank massages..."
"Scootaloo!" Spike hissed, shaking the pegasus filly hard. "Wake up... seriously, you are kinda creeping me out."
The orange filly blinked her eyes, lifting her head up from the plain gray pillow she had been resting on. "Wha?" She smacked her lips, the sleepy fog that had enveloped her mind slowly dissolving away as she awoke. "Spike? What's goin' on?"
"What's the last thing you remember?" the baby dragon asked.
Scootaloo groaned. "Uh... I was on my scooter, getting ready to jump Springfield Gorge..."
~Scootaloo's Memory~
"I'm gonna make it!" the filly said with glee. "This is the greatest moment of my life! I'm queen of the-AAAAAAAA!!"
Her scooter plummeted just a few feet short of the other side, the orange filly cursing as she hit the rocks.
“D-oh! Ow! Oh! Ow! D-oh! D-oh! Ow!”
"Scootaloo, that happened to Homer Simpson."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Oh... right." Scootaloo tapped her chin. "Wait... the explosion... filly Twilight... the gas..."
"I am sorry about that," Night Light said, entering the small holding cell Scootaloo and Spike had been placed in. "I am afraid that protocol dictated that I gas you both until we were able to determine if you were under any magical effects or corruption. You've received a clean bill of health so I can now explain to you how and why our lives are now threatened."
"...huh?" Scootaloo said blankly.
"Let me start from the beginning," Night Light said. "I am Twilight's father."
"I thought Twilight was the child of Discord and Nightmare Moon," Spike said.
Night Light frowned, his tongue running along the inside of his cheek. "Yes... well... uh... anyway, I am her father. When Twilight was little, my wife and I knew that she was destined for great things. Even as a foal she exhibited extreme cases of accidental magic and as she grew and became fascinated with her unicorn gifts her magical abilities were further revealed. This all came to a head when, during her entrance exam to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, she did the impossible and created you, Spike."
"You mean hatched, don't you?" Spike said.
"No, I mean created. Twilight was never meant to hatch that egg... the professors were gauging how a student such as Twilight would react to failure. She had already been accepted into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns... they just needed to gauge her maturity to better determine her placement and educational regiment. None of them expected her to tap into her magic and produce... well, you." Night Light shrugged. "Truth be told, the egg she had been given was a chocolate one with a caramel center. We were going to have it at her celebratory party after that last ‘exam’."
"...is that why my urine is sticky and delicious?"
"Yes."
"Ewwwww!" Scootaloo screeched.
Night Light cleared his throat. "I have become sidetracked, however. During that test, Twilight's magic caught the attention of not only Princess Celestia but many in her court. They began to fear what she could do, if left unchecked... I don't blame them, actually. Twilight is my daughter and I love her... but she turned me into a potted cactus during that exam! It wiped away any delusions I might have had that my little filly could have a normal life.
"After many secret meetings where many…poor ideas… were batted about, it was decided that Equestria needed a new organization. As you know, our national security is defended by several different groups: the royal guard protects the cities and monitors common-place crime. After the Changeling Invasion, The Elements of Harmony are now tasked with defeating invading threats-"
"Don't forget The God Squad!" Spike added.
Night Light scowled in utter disgust. "Believe me, I couldn't if I tried." He shook his head, casting any thoughts of the crazy deities (who were totally stealing jobs from hard working spies) from his mind. "Finally, a governmental body was created to deal with one of our most dangerous threats: Twilight Sparkle."
"That is your daughter... you do remember that, right?" Scootaloo said.
Night Light sighed. "I do. But the Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle was set up to not only protect Equestria but also protect my daughter from herself. Now then, when you-"
"Wait," Spike said, holding up his hand. "The Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle?"
"Yes, the Bureau-"
"So... you are an agent of BUTTS?"
NIght Light glowered as the baby dragon and the filly snickered. "Yes yes, very amusing. We'd already come up with the Bureau's name and by the time we figured out what its letters spelled the jackets had been ordered and it was simply to late to… you know what, I don’t have to explain myself to you. Look, we get enough ribbing from Princess Celestia, ok?"
"Sorry," Spike said.
"Thank you, now, the reason we gassed you-"
"Gassed!" Scootaloo squealed in delight. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"... amusing," Night Light said dryly. "Now then, may I please continue?"
"Yes, yes," Scootaloo said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Let's get to the bottom of all this."
Spike snickered, trying desperately to hold in his giggles. Night Light, for his part, did not dignify the play on words with a comment. He merely waited for the two youngsters to get their laughter out of their systems before continuing. "The Bureau works around the clock to monitor Twilight and ensure that what damage she might cause with her powers is kept to a minimum."’
Scootaloo frowned. "But wait... I remember a lot of times where Twilight's magic caused problems!"
"Yes, and those could have been a LOT worse..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Don't worry!" Twilight called out as the Ursa Minor stomped towards her, his lips curled back in a snarl. "I got this! First I'll levitate that water tower and-"
BOOM!
Twilight blinked as she, and the rest of the crowd, was suddenly covered in glowing blue goo.
"Ya... ya killed it, Twi..." Applejack whispered.
"By Celestia it's everywhere!" Rarity screamed. “It’s even in my… and my… ew ew ew!”
“Oh, hello girls,” Fluttershy said, walking towards them. “I know I have been busy the last few days, what with Angel’s dance recital but now…” Fluttershy sniffed. “What smells like bear blood?”
"I... I didn't mean to!" Twilight cried out.
"And you didn't," a BUTTS agent said, walking up to the crowd and pulling out a neuralizer. "Everypony stare into the light..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"There has to be a problem for me to fix and send a letter to Princess Celestia about!" Twilight said, tossing all sorts of random items out of the wooden chest she was searching through. "And if there isn't one... I will make one! Aha!" Twilight grinned as she pulled out a gun. "I'll shoot a bunch of ponies! Tragedy always brings out the best in ponies!"
"How about a Want it Need it Spell?" An agent of BUTTS who was hiding in the corner of the room whispered.
"Even better! Thanks sparkly elves!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Please Miss Twilight, can't ya use your magic to give me a cutie mark?"
Twilight shifted, looking down at the sad filly that stood before her. "Ok Appleseed, I will."
"Thank ya!" the brown earth pony filly said, presenting her flank. "Now then, let's just-"
BOOM!
Twilight blinked as red goo dripped down her face.
"Man, this ice cream is really good," the agent in charge of watching Twilight that day said as he entered Sugar Cube Corner's kitchen. "I am so... oh not again!" He glared at Twilight. "You couldn't have waited three more minutes?" Sighing, the agent pulled out his neuralizer and zapped Twilight. "Now how am I suppose to fix this?"
"Hey Miss Twilight, have ya seen my twin sister?" Applebloom said, trotting into the kitchen. “I know she’s all jealous about me havin’ a cutie mark before here but… what the hay?”
The agent rubbed his chin in thought before pulling out his Cutie-Mark-Removal-Spray.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I'm doubting the validity of those stories," Scootaloo stated with a huff.
"The point," Night Light said in annoyance, motioning for the two to follow him out of the room, "is that my agents have been keeping tabs on Twilight and trying to prevent and/or minimize any disasters that might come about due to her and her magic. And what we find ourselves in now is the granddaddy of them all."
Scootaloo and Spike's jaws dropped. Not because of what Night Light had said, but rather at the sight that awaited them when they stepped out of their cell and into the main atrium of BUTTS. The ceiling hung several stories above their heads and through the air zipped pegasus ponies in black suits. The atrium was the size of 5 hoofball fields and the distant walls, done in the same gleaming silver as the rest of the building, had many different balconies and depressions built into it; all of these were being used by dark-suited ponies of all different shapes and sizes. The ground floor which Night Light, Scootaloo and Spike walked on was filled with different work stations where agents busied themselves with all manner of different projects. The air was filled with a cacophony of buzzers, beeping, whirling computer fans and the mumbling of agents.
"So this is where our tax-bits are going," Spike muttered.
"Well, that and Princess Celestia's cake budget," a mare said as she joined them. Her coat was a pale white and her mane was a dark purple but Scootaloo's focus was on her face.
"Twilight?" Scootaloo said in confusion.
"That isn't me!" Twiley said, happily cantering from behind the white mare. "This is my mommy!" The filly hurried over to her dad and gave him a hug. "This place is so cool, daddy!"
"Glad you enjoy it, Twiley," Night Light said with a smile, though the joy didn't quite reach his eyes. "Why don't you go to my office and do some more drawings for me, ok? I need to talk to your friends for a bit more."
"Ok!" Twiley said, trotting away happily.
The mare held out her hoof. "Twilight Velvet. I am sorry we are meeting like this, Miss Loo." She let out a sigh, the happy smile she had been wearing while around Twiley fading in an instant. "I suppose you have a lot of questions."
"And then some," Scootaloo stated dryly. "Let's start with how Princess Twilight got turned into a filly."
"She didn't," Night Light said sternly. "That isn't our Twilight."
"Huh?" Spike and Scootaloo said in unison.
Velvet walked over to a white board that hung on a cubicle wall and used her magic to grab a dry erase marker and draw a crude image of Twilight. "This is the Twilight we all know. When you crashed into her lab, you caused several of her experiments to react violently with each other. The combination of these already unstable elements created an explosion that blew up Twilight."
"Blew... as in... kaboom?" Spike said sadly.
"As in she's never coming back?" Scootaloo whimpered.
"Yes and no," Velvet said. "Mostly because this fic isn’t grimdark.”
“Fic?”
“The Functionality in Canterlot,” Velvet said. She held up a hoof. “Don’t ask, ok? It’s a long story. The explosion caused everything that makes Twilight... well, Twilight... to shatter. These Twilight Pieces, as I've nicknamed them, were shot across Equestria and some even farther than that. The good news is that if we collect these Pieces of Twilight-"
"Before the Templars get to them?" Spike said excitedly.
"No, of course not, don't be silly." Velvet shook her head. "Who told you about Templars anyway?”
“Pony Joe,” Spike said, turning away just as Night Light made a note to neuralize Pony Joe. “If we collect the Pieces of Twilight we can, hopefully merge her soul back together."
Scootaloo frowned. "Wait... if Twilight was blown up into tiny little bits, how come we have a filly Twilight running around."
"And why does she think Shining Armor is one of the Elements of Harmony?" Spike added.
"That's the bad news," Night Light said. "The Pieces of Twilight know that they need to be whole. Due to the nature of the magical energies Twilight was experimenting on, each Piece was radiated with magical energy... energy that allows the pieces to create rifts in space and time."
"Space... and time?" Spike said with a gulp.
Night Light nodded. "Yes. One piece, which remained in the library after the explosion, called for the filly you saw and bonded with her. Twiley, for the sake of avoiding confusion, is being completely honest: her brother IS the Element of Magic and leader of the Elements of Harmony... in her dimension."
Scootaloo nodded. "Ok... that makes sense."
"It does?" Velvet said in surprise. "I created that theory and even I think it is a little out there. I’m surprised you accepted it so quickly."
Scootaloo motioned towards Spike. "Have you met the baby dragon that works with your daughter? How about the magic water that made Pinkie clones? Or the evil smoke king that trapped an entire kingdom for a thousand years?"
"Point taken," Velvet said.
“And don’t mention King Sombra, please,” Spike whimpered. “I’m still trying to avoid Lord Tydal because of that.”
Velvet motioned for the two to pay attention. "Now then, with Twiley safely here we have at least one Piece of Twilight. We need to locate the others and bring them back here so we can get my daughter whole again."
"And deal with the other Twilights," Night Light said.
"Other... Twilights?" Spike said nervously.
"Yes," the agent said. "Each Piece will be opening a rift... within hours Equestria will be filled with Twilights from alternate dimensions. We need to track them all down and bring them here."
"That's where you come in, Scootaloo," Velvet said.
Scootaloo pointed at herself. "Me? What about me?"
Velvet patted the filly on the head. "I want you to close your eyes and begin walking, ok?"
"Uh, why?"
"Just trust me."
Scootaloo shut her eyes. "Yeah, trust the ponies that foalnapped me. That is a brilliant idea. Next she'll be telling me that I should get into chariots driven by strange stallions who offer candy."
"I love candy!"
Scootaloo blinked her eyes open, staring in shock at Twiley. Somehow Scootaloo had managed to find herself in Night Light's office, where the purple filly was happily scribbling away on a piece of paper.
"How... how did I..." Scootaloo stammered.
Velvet approached her and patted her on the back. "Because you were in the explosion the magical energies soaked into you. You, and you alone, have the ability to sense alternate Twilights."
Scootaloo glanced at her flank, only to find it blank. "Oh come on... I can't even get a cutie mark for that?!?"
Spike hurried over to join them, Night Light having a more leisurely pace. "So, let me get this straight... you are a massive government agency and our only hope is a filly who still does Macaroni Pictures?"
"Hey!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
Velvet looked down at Scootaloo and smiled. "Don't worry, sweetie... the Bureau will be aiding you the entire time... except me." She shot her husband a murderous look.
Night Light rolled his eyes. "We've been over this, Velvet! You are a Dedicated Innovation-Centered Scientist! You are needed here at the Bureau, not in the field."
"That is our daughter, Night Light, and I want to help!" Velvet shouted, clearly upset she wasn't being allowed to go out and help find the other Twilights.
Night Light let out a roar of frustration. "And I will say it again: DICS belong in BUTTS!"
Scootaloo and Spike looked at each other before collapsing into a fit of laughter. Twiley stared at them, not getting the joke.
"OH GROW UP!" Night Light bellowed.
~MC~MC~MC~
In a small tavern north of Coltumbus...
"I say, brother, it seems we've come on a run of bad luck."
Flam nodded. "Yes, Flim, a very bad run indeed."
"Do you suppose it is our fault?"
"Of course not! We were merely offering to help those good ponies... how were we to know those farmers would refuse our aid?"
"Our generous aid," Flim said.
"Very generous. Makes us humanitarians, in a way."
"Why do we call it that, anyway?" the bartender said, cleaning a class. "What is a 'human' anyway?"
"I think it’s a dish made in Saddle Arabia using crushed peas," another lout slurred.
Flim and Flam sighed, nursing their drinks. "Yes, our glory days are truly behind us, Flim my boy."
"Indeed they are, dear Flam."
"I don't know about that," a dark, sultry voice purred. Every head in the tavern turned as one, each stallion feeling the blood leave their heads and pool farther south at the sight of the mare who'd entered the tavern. She was a regal beauty with a dusty purple coat and a purple mane streaked with black. She had a long, lean body with a swan-like neck and a horn nearly as sharp as Princess Celestia's. In fact, if the mare had been sporting a pair of wings they would have believed her to be some undiscovered alicorn.
While it was lust the stallions felt at first it was fear that soon replaced it. The mysterious mare was wearing not saddle bags or even standard clothes but gleaming black armor. Her chest and back were wrapped in the metal and her hooves made dull clanks as her dark horseshoes stuck the wooden floor. Upon her head sat a simple yet fearsome helm and under this peaked her green-tinted eyes, the pupils of which were slit like a dragon or capricorn's.
One of the drunks slowly rose, his hard cider having given him enough liquid courage to approach the shadowy female. "Ya know," he hiccupped, "ya kinda look like that new princess."
"Do I?" the mare asked in amusement. Her voice was smooth yet hard, like velvet-wrapped steel.
The stallion began to lewdly rub against her. "Yeah... what's her name... uh... Princess Twerpy... Twinky... Twilight! Twilight Spar-"
The mare's horn flashed and a thin beam of magic struck him in the chest. He let out a gurgle as his body dissolved into dust, crumbling to the floor (as this wasn’t Canterlot, things could go grimdark). The bar flies screamed and tried to escape but the mare forced them to stay seated.
"Stay there, boys, before I really hurt you." She walked over to Flim and Flam, giving them a once over. "Yes... yes, you will do."
"We... we will?" Flim said nervously.
"Yes," the mare said. "I am in need of servants and you two will satisfy my... every whim."
Flam gulped. "Who... who are you?"
"Nightfall," the mare said. "Nightfall Eclipse."
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Oh, if only Plotdump were around this chapter wouldn't have been needed.
Yes, I admit that this is a giant set-up chapter. We needed to find out what was going on and get directed towards the plot and get the key-players in place. So, to make up for that, I did a bunch of butt jokes.
...hey, I'm just giving the audience what it wants!
BUTTS is based on SHIELD, ARGUS, and the MIB, obviously. They will be playing a supporting role in this fic but don't worry, Scootaloo and Spike will be our leads.
And look, Nightfall has come and she's making Flim and Flam her sex slaves. Yay?
Oh, and one final thing... I love the title card I made from this. Screaming Scootaloo always makes me laugh, baby Twilight makes me smile when I think of her first appearance that will be coming soon, and the trinity of stares (Nightfall glaring at Dusk, who is looking at Cap. Twilight, who is glaring at you) is just a hoot.
I lost it.
You will never escape judgement for what you did to Mr.Wiggles Spike.
DICS and BUTTS really i mean just really.
Likewise.3278938
Well that puts a different slant on a few episodes.
And yeah, the title card is great.
For a moment I was briefly confused but those agencies.... what a name to pick or the description about Spike....
Isn't there a Green Lantern Twilight in there? What you do with that?
3278996. I liked it.
3278916 ARGUS?
Quick question:
With all these Twilights appearing, does that mean Scootaloo and Spike will run into the Twilight from the Faith and Doubt series?
Me too. We're not going to have to check her filing cabinets for flower petals, are we?
But how would you even know...? TMI!! TMI!!!
That said, good job. As far as infodump chapters go, it was entertaining, and the humor had all the maturity you would expect when it revolves around BUTTS. Ha, and of course you jump straight from that right to a major-threat-level villain, instead of easing us in with Mime Twilight or Too Much Coffee Twilight. Was Captain Whiplash in town?
BUTTS really should work on creating acronyms. It's a good thing they are a secret organization.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/are-you-fucking-kidding-me-face.png
You can't be serious
3279421 Not to mention a fun one.
Ok, that was disturbingly funny.
I see a possibility of the Equestria girls Twilight Sparkle appearing (the one that cannon!Twilight technically took the place of during Equestra girls), and maybe a Twilight from a universe that is more like a action movie (as in a Indiana Jones type Twilight)
Cool
3279440
Well, it's slightly better than the 'it was actually a painted rock' theories. At least a chocolate caramel egg is made of organic material.
3278916 Not to sure if your last statement was kinky or easy so I am going to ignore it's existence and
Nothing will ever top this
You didn't think the acronym was clear enough did you?
... So... BUTTS needs to collect all the TP?
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME
For the rest, great chapter. I had a blast reading it! :D
Suddenly, I'm imagining Shinigami Twilight, Arrancar Twilight, Quincy Twilight, and Fullbring Twilight. (Bleach)
Kira Twilight (Death Note: Equestria), every pre-season 3 alicorn Twilight, every post-season 3 alicorn Twilight (fanon obviously), CB Twilight, HLF Twilight (TCB-universe), Neo Twilight (Matrix), a few undead Twilights (various zombie-based media), and every single incarnation of Twilight from The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments. Not to mention Camaraderie is Supernatural Twilight, Mentally Advanced Abridged Twilight, Friendship is Witchcraft Twilight, and xanauzumaki's "I am a female" Twilight.
...
I think I just hurt my brain.
Well no one's gonna miss Flim and Flam.
3279243
It is possible.
3279227
A secret organization in the DC universe.
Soo... Those episodes were simply us (the viewers) getting false information after being neutralized through scene transitions?
I knew it!I knew something was wrong with those episodes! Now I wil just... hey, why is a black-suited pegasus on my desktop... *BLITZ*
...
...
...
...
"You will remember nothing of this chapter, nor any information regarding Twilight's magic mishaps other than those you've watched in the cartoon. You will not remember anything about BUTTS and Twilight will forever be a simple, adorkable unicorn."
...
...
...
...
Buh.. wha? Huh, whazzit? What was I doing again? Oh, new chapter! Gotta read this now.
The Global Acronym Initiative should offer to send over some personnel, because it's clear that Night Light badly needs some GAI-DICS. Twilight Velvet might not be too happy about the intrusion, but everypony else should come away satisfied.
I am surprised the Evil Twilight isnt an alicorn. Isnt there a rule saying the villains get all the cool stuff?
Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.
Also, MOOOAAARRRR!!!
Somepony works very hard to have straight A's...
I swear, it's the last time I drink something while reading a fanfiction...
At first I thought that Twilight Velvet is Pinkie Pie's relative...
Probably somewhere in this bureau is a Council Of Creative Kids. And some special agents are Secretly Hidden In Toilet...
Oh it's Team America all over again!
........were going to see Scootaloo and possibly Spike doing a "Montage!" aren't we?
Well alteast your not adding BASEketball references to this.......
..........I've just doomed everyone haven't I?
Never a truer statement.
3281507 I checked the FAQ, and I'm still not sure if that qualifies for a Teen rating.
Clever... I like it when someone can use a decent lampshade to say something that would otherwise have to go in the author's notes
Ha ha ha. now get your mind out of the gutter.
...Also, wouldn't it have been "DICS belongs in BUTTS", since DICS is functioning as a singular noun? You say "butt then the joke wouldn't have worked! " (sic), butt I say "Well if you are in the mood for that sort of joke (and don't get me wrong, I thought it was funny, butt grammar comes first), you would have figured it out from context."
I found a couple of things you may want to edit.
Now, I may be wrong here, but shouldn't be “celebratory“?
Since Scootaloo is talking to Twilight Velvet, shouldn't that be “daughter“?
This totally broke the illusion and I felt like I was in a badly written story. You really shouldn't have mentioned that...
That did too.
3283522
You must not have read the god squad. The amount of times that jokes been made; it's completely in character. No illusion breaking whatsoever. Besides; the 4th crumbles in comedy stories, as it should.
3283522
And as others have said, the FIC thing is a callback and the DICS joke has been one of the most popular jokes. So, you may feel that way but it is clear to me that there was nothing wrong with me using them both
*shrugs*
Spike having caramel urine.
Now I can't eat caramel anymore.
Good job, author.
You have an enjoyably meta writing style. I look forward to more acronyms.
Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall? I don't see a Fourth Wall so how could it possibly exist?
On a side note:PUNS!
Okay, so, Bureau of Undoing Trouble from Twilight Sparkle = BUTTS. Pieces of Twilight spells "pot". If you associate the word "chamber" with one of these two things, I'm going to laugh. Again.
It may just be setup, but it was the funniest chapter yet. There were more moments in this one that made me bust a gut than either of the two previous chapters (and that's not counting the acronym jokes). I would say you deserve the most props for that Functionality in Canterlot gag and its followup. But there are two things about the information revealed here that struck a chord with my brain:
1. Spike and Scootaloo as young detectives solving dangerous mysteries together is one of the coolest ideas for a fic ever conceived. This isn't quite the same, but I'm excited by your choice for the two leads. Let's hope they have entertaining chemistry beyond typical banter (but if not, that's okay).
2. The exposition in BUTTS hindquarters reminded me of a fic that has a similar premise: Fragmented. It's a little darker and slightly less hilarious, but is certainly no less entertaining.
And then there's those GS references...
*sigh*
FINE, I'LL READ THE GOD SQUAD ALREADY!
Sorry but this was not my type of fic... now don't get me wrong i loved the story but making twilight seem dangerous and making the show seem fake kinda killed it for me. (just my opinion love the story just not my cup of tea sorry)
3293655 hindquarters... Nice
Likr this if u came here from God Squad!
Awesome references. What did tydal do?
Now sit down boys before I really hurt you
Takes out whip, corset, and dildo.... @.@
Oh the puns, oh the puns, this made me choke on my laughter.
So much funnies
Nightfall Eclipse. I like it