This story is a sequel to The Lightning Seven: Equestria Bound *Old story*
After returning home from the messed up venture in Equestria the seven mercenaries return to their home planet. Unfortunately they accidently brought with them several new equine friends with them. Little do any of them know they will be dragged into a journey that none of them had thought of doing before
This is a more recent rendition of the Lightning 7, the original story was...for lack of a better word, underdeveloped. For those that read the original story will see changes from the original for better or for worse.
Chapters (14)
put a space after period
Capitalize look if it is part of name
I would change it to:
or something among those lines...
I would get rid of the word "only" it isn't needed in the sentence for that usage...
I would change the wording to something like...
Just an opinion... but I would of started this with "Finally" instead of "At last"... just sounds better to me....
Get rid of the word "whole" again it isn't really needed....
Not sure where this came from.... I'm not sure how to fix this, the wording isn't great.... Not sure where this paragraph came from.... If I knew what in the world was happening, then maybe I could fix this....
What device??? Please explain this....
Change "Eventually" to something like "After a while" since you used it in the last paragraph, makes story smoother....
no space in archenemy
Sorry to say but the story needs a lot of work.... Don't get me wrong if the story ran alittle smoother then it might be somthing I could get into.... That's something because I don't normally like stories with humans in them....(side note: add human tag....(side side note:I apologize if there were no humans to begin with but the beginning makes it sound like it...))
Getting bake to the point, your story is very rough.... you have given no info on things (the device, Lord Jagger, ect.) like where they come from or what they are.... its like I've sat down in a room and was given a test on something I was given no info on.... I have the test in front of me and what info is given to me on said test (test=story), and I am told to complete said test.... It cannot be done.... That was my metaphor of the problem with this story....
I'm sorry if that made no sense.... it sounded way better in my head....
From what little info I have... This story was potential!!! You have an interesting mix of characters, you have given some info about them(but best to give more info about them....) Hope this helps a little.....
I'm sorry I don't have time tonight to do other chapters but If I have time in the morning I will try to proof-read the rest....
3250472 thank you I shall edit as much as I can. hopefully